Everyone has moments of dislike of themselves at some point in their lives. It could be because of something we’ve done, some aspect of our bodies, or maybe we believe we’re just not good enough. Whatever the reason, disliking ourselves means we’re not content with ourselves.
There’s something wrong, lacking, and deficient about who we are. Our perceived faults make us feel uneasy, which isn’t always bad and could be the start of a change in the right direction. But when our self-dislike intensifies and endures, it becomes hatred: self-hatred.
Is self-hatred—or self-loathing—ever truly constructive, or does it usually lead us nowhere? And perhaps most importantly, could it be that self-hatred is often, if not always, based on a delusion? Self-hatred can slowly creep into our lives, starting with small moments of self-criticism—telling ourselves we’re not good enough or have failed somehow.
Over time, these thoughts can grow into a deep loathing that affects how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Self-hatred doesn’t come without danger, but the reasons we self-hate may not be justified. Moreover, self-hatred may actually be narcissistic.
So, why do we hate ourselves? Is there any good in self-hatred? And how can we break free from it?
This video explores self-hatred. If you want to support Einzelgänger, consider joining my Patreon page, which allows access to ad-free videos, bonus content, and free merch. Thank you, and I hope you’ll enjoy this video.
Believing self-hatred is a good motivator is like thinking anger is an effective way to solve problems. It may sometimes work and it sometimes grants us the ability to push through boundaries we otherwise didn’t dare to cross. But is that progress worth the risk and pain that comes with self-hatred?
While it might provide a temporary drive, the long-term consequences often far outweigh the short-term gains. Unchecked self-hatred can have significant and long-lasting impacts on one's mental and physical well-being. It frequently results in a downward spiral, where depressive thoughts feed on feelings of worthlessness.
Self-hatred is also linked to self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors that might initially seem productive. For example, someone obsessively pursuing a healthy lifestyle might actually be masking an eating disorder rooted in deep self-loathing. Or a person who appears ambitious and hard-working may be driven by profound feelings of inadequacy, leaving him vulnerable to burnout.
Ultimately, self-hatred is a destructive force that makes people miserable. It can lead to addiction, isolation, self-punishment, and even the belief that the world is better off without them. But where does this self-hatred come from?
The cause of self-hatred is complex. There are various reasons why we hate ourselves. We could have cultivated self-hatred as a consequence of bullying, for example, which led us to believe we’re inferior and that there’s something profoundly wrong with us.
We could also hate ourselves because we don’t conform to societal expectations regarding achievements: we feel like failures. Or maybe we hate ourselves because we believe humanity is quite despicable, and it’s better we just stop existing altogether. In my experience and observations, self-hatred is mostly a personal matter.
It’s hatred directed at oneself as an individual for whatever reason. It’s often caused by feelings of not being good enough and not measuring up to the rest. A little personal story here: after years of success, my channel’s viewership dropped drastically.
Although I try to remain positive, there have been some dark moments on the way down. During these moments, I felt shame. Am I a failure after all?
What will people think of my downfall? I felt anger toward myself for the mistakes I made. I kicked myself for not working hard enough, even though I’ve been pretty burned out lately.
I started doubting my capacities and feeling inadequate, which started eating away at my confidence. I understand why people experience self-loathing due to failure. I believe this failure-based self-hatred is one of the most common forms of self-hatred today.
There’s shame, guilt, and self-blame for one’s shortcomings. There’s the fear of being judged for one’s lack of prestige. The self-hatred that may arise from failure isn’t surprising considering the imperative to achieve in today’s society, something philosopher Byung-Chul Han wrote about in his book The Burnout Society, which I previously explored.
According to Han, we’ve switched from a disciplinary society to an achievement society. While the former was governed by “no” and its sinners were madmen and criminals, the latter, the one we’re in, is governed by “yes” and “unlimited can” and consists of winners and losers. Unsurprisingly, many people feel like “failures” these days.
In their eyes, they failed to make it. They haven’t become successful entrepreneurs, millionaires, or whatever their environments tell them they should be. They call themselves losers, as society calls them losers.
These societal messages could lead to self-hatred. Feelings of inadequacy could also arise from certain inborn aspects we can’t change (or, at least, are very difficult to change). The concept of ‘lookism’ comes to mind here.
Lookism is a prejudice and discrimination based on how a person looks. It’s the notion that people treat people differently based on how much they adhere to the ideal of societal beauty. To put it simply, society treats beautiful people better than ugly people.
That good-looking people have it easier in many environments is probably true; a vast body of research confirms it. To what extent lookism decides the course of our lives is debatable, and there’s a lot of misinformation around this topic, which we’ll explore later. But it’s clear that one’s perceived deficiency in “good looks” could lead to self-hatred.
We can see this self-hatred with so-called “incels” (which is short for involuntary celibates), many of which encourage one another to give up on intimacy and call ugly, short men “subhumans. ” Whether or not society is partly to blame for these sentiments is a topic for another day. Self-hatred could also occur because of past behaviors: things we’ve done that we regret.
There could have been moments when we embarrassed ourselves. We could have treated people poorly, including those we love. We could have been cowards.
Maybe we fled when we should have stood our ground, which still haunts us. Thus, we carry these past experiences with us, identify with them, self-punish, and let these memories plague our minds, burdened with guilt and shame. Some people even deprive themselves of happiness because of mistakes they made in the past, which may seem noble, but is it a constructive way to deal with the past?
Self-hatred may also occur because of how we’ve been treated in the past. We may self-blame because of bullying. We may have internalized the things bullies have done and said and genuinely believe we’re less than others.
Our parents may have mistreated us, and we may blame ourselves for that as well. I mean, the fact others stepped on us and treated us like dirt must have a reason, isn’t it? Thus, we simply acknowledge we are inferior, deserving of contempt, undeserving of love.
Often, we show this self-contempt to the world through how we treat and carry ourselves. Interestingly enough, self-hatred has a narcissistic element to it, as there seems to be an intense focus on oneself, be it one’s unwanted aspects. When we think of it, self-hatred is quite a self-absorbed state.
Our investment in ourselves is so significant that it (16) leads us to these massive feelings of loathing and despair, all because of how we perceive ourselves, specifically what’s wrong with ourselves. When we spend a lot of time in a state of self-hatred, it’s worth asking: am I so important that I should focus so much mental energy on myself? When self-hating, we engage in a curious paradox: we hate ourselves while subsequently infatuating the selves we hate.
Isn’t that interesting? Take, for example, self-hatred as a consequence of having embarrassed oneself. Let me share an anecdote.
Let’s go back to the 18-year-old Einzelganger, in his first year of college, having to give a short presentation in front of a few hundred people. As anxiety-ridden as I was, I blacked out and made a total fool out of myself. The audience responded with an empathic “aww,” which was a humiliating experience.
This memory haunted me for years. I still feel the cringe when I think back on it. However, I dare to bet that not a single person in that audience even remembers that short presentation of mine.
And if there’s someone who does, this person probably doesn’t dislike (let alone hate) me for it, not only because nervousness during a presentation isn’t a reason to hate someone but also because those five minutes of me making a fool of myself probably aren’t that important. Perhaps it has been a life-defining moment for me, but for the world at large, it’s pretty insignificant. So, why did I keep beating myself up because of that experience for years?
Why are many self-hating people pretty much self-obsessing over things they’ve done, things they’ve said, the way they look, the achievements they failed to attain? There’s a Stoic exercise named The View From Above, which I made a video about in the past. The View From Above lets us look at ourselves and our lives from a cosmic perspective.
If we remind ourselves how tiny and unimportant we are amidst the billions of galaxies, the truth may eventually get through us: the things we hate ourselves for are insignificant. When we move away from cosmic viewpoints and back to a grass-roots level, to the human experience of time, our close environments, and our relationships (or the lack thereof), it’s easy to get wrapped up in self-loathing again. We may still see failures or ugly people when looking in the mirror.
We may still see our many deficiencies. While some of these faults and deficiencies are true, are they reasons to self-hate? Furthermore, aren’t we perceiving our faults much more significant than they are?
And what about the meaning we attribute to these faults? If, for example, we’ve experienced a business failure or failed an exam, does that truly define us as inadequate or destined to be unsuccessful? If we don’t meet societal beauty standards, does that mean we’ll never find love?
Does that mean we’re subhumans, as if ending our lineage would somehow benefit humanity? Distorted thinking is often the source of self-hatred. Self-hating people, especially those who indulge in it, tend to cherry-pick information that supports their self-hatred.
They love to dwell in echo chambers, accompanied by other self-hating people, exchanging and amplifying carefully selected information that fuels their self-loathing. The self-hating incel is a prime example of this. While there may be some truth in what they claim about looks and preferences in the dating market, their view of reality becomes skewed by magnifying bits of information supporting their views while discarding anything that contradicts them.
For example, when a woman chooses a good-looking male over a less good-looking male, it’s proof that, and I paraphrase, “it’s over for subhumans. ” But when a plain-looking guy with an attractive girlfriend is pointed out, they dismiss it by assuming he must be rich or is an exception to the rule. So, are the reasons we base our self-hatred on actually valid?
Aren’t we basing our self-loathing on misinformation? Aren’t we keeping our self-hatred going because of warped views of reality? If, for example, we failed a driver’s exam, does that mean we’re failures as human beings incapable of anything, let alone being able to hit the road?
Or does it mean we didn’t have enough practice to operate a vehicle and be part of traffic? Or if we’re not meeting societal beauty standards, does that mean we’re subhumans? ” Or does it simply mean we lack in one area society values—our aesthetics—without diminishing our inherent worth, our abilities in other areas, or our capacity for happiness?
Let’s suppose we have a reasonable view of our qualities and deficiencies. Suppose we indeed have flaws (everyone does). Suppose we indeed have pasts that aren’t pretty, and we have been unfortunate in the genetic lottery regarding looks.
What’s next? What alternatives do we have besides laying on the couch hating ourselves? What if self-hatred consumes you–is there any hope?
Is there a way to move forward? There are many things we can change about our situation. We can change how we look to a certain extent; we can achieve things or move to another place.
We can act in the present for a better future. We can exercise, eat healthier, and be more generous and kind. But there are many things we cannot change.
We cannot change the past. Our outside circumstances are essentially outside of our control. For the biggest part, we can’t change how we look.
We can’t change where we’re from. We can’t change the mistakes we made. We can’t change what people have said and done to us in the past.
So, how do we deal with this self-hatred on account of all this stuff? From a Stoic viewpoint, the problem isn’t our circumstances; the problem is the self-hatred. Self-hatred is a response to circumstances.
It flows out of the thoughts we have about what’s going on. Hence, when you go out in the world, you’ll encounter many people who have it much worse than you, yet there’s no sign of self-loathing in these people. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my travels, it’s how relative everything is; there are radically different ways of thinking and perceiving life.
I’ve encountered people who, according to Western achievement society ideals, would be considered total losers. Yet, they’re the happiest people I’ve seen. And if you think you’re a subhuman who doesn’t deserve to live, travel, visit public spaces, and see how many not-so-good-looking and even ugly people are in relationships and just living their lives.
They might even be quite happy. What’s the self-hating fuss about? Isn’t it an overreaction to life?
What’s the point of this self-absorbed state of indulging in all these ideas, thoughts, and emotions concerning one’s perceived inadequacies? Isn’t there a more constructive way of living? Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher, argued that a poorly instructed person blames the world, a person just starting instruction blames himself, but a well-instructed person blames neither the world nor themselves.
I’ve analyzed this idea recently in my Epictetus series on Patreon and concluded that Epictetus doesn’t deny that one’s own mistakes could cause misfortune and that one shouldn't learn from them; it’s the blame that’s problematic. Self-blame isn’t constructive. It’s unreasonable.
It’s not a helpful state to be in. What do we try to accomplish by beating ourselves up for our faults and undesirable aspects? Again, from a Stoic viewpoint, the problem is the blame, not the events.
I would extrapolate this view to self-hatred. When self-hatred consumes you, hope isn’t to be found in the circumstances but how you relate to them. You could hate the world; you could hate yourself.
But what do you really gain from it? Thank you for watching.
