okay the next step then we do not attribute responsibility for our feelings to the other person we never say that you make me feel or i feel because you instead we are conscious that the root of feelings are needs see behind every feeling there is a need now certain feelings tell us that there is an obstruction in our thinking that instead of our being directly connected to our needs we have chosen to go off to jack-o'-land see so what are these feelings that tell us that we're not directly connected to our needs anger depression guilt
and shame those feelings are very valuable they tell us that at this moment i'm not directly connected to my needs instead we are up in our head telling ourselves moralistic judgments about somebody anger we're making moralistic judgments about somebody else depression guilt and shame we're playing that game on ourselves but we're not alive and as i would define lot being alive which is connected to our needs do you make a distinction between needs and preferences or design yes we make a different a big difference as we'll see when we get to the next step now
because needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met those are preferences or strategies or requests so we make a big difference between needs and between preferences requests strategies so let's get into that let's right now connect our feelings with a need let's not go up to our head and think about the other person let's go into our heart and connect our feeling with our need because needs give us the most power with people see giraffe is based on a power model power with people it increases our power with them in the
sense that it increases people's willing giving to us to enjoy giving to us that's power with people we have been trained in a power over model the use of punishment and reward that's power over people to get them to do things not because it's coming from their heart and they want to contribute to our well-being or to life no they want to avoid punishment or get a reward so we want to increase power with people and the most powerful form of communication to do that is to bring people's attention to our needs that are not
getting met when people's full attention is on our needs they hear no criticism no demands it is natural to enjoy giving but if we hear any criticism or demand we lose connection with that natural desire to give and now we want to defend and attack so let's learn a language of needs under sea it says imagine again that you are talking to the person and express your reasons for feeling as you do this way when you do what i described i feel as i'd expressed because i am needing or because i need see so now
see if you can identify what need of yours is not getting met leave the word you out of here because that will mix up need and preference leave the other person out of here just express the need without reference to the other person all needs are universal every human being in the world has the same needs so you can look at what you said and see whether this applies what you wrote down is a true need every other human being in the world has that need we're all created out of the same energy so we
really see this at the level of needs all human beings have the same needs what differs immensely is the strategies that we have been educated in for meeting the needs different cultures educate people to meet the needs in a different way but the needs are the same who wants to check theirs out okay to know that you are responsible and honest that uh notice brought the other person in there i have a need to know that you are responsible and honest how do we express the need without bringing the other person in there now we
can bring it in one way i have a need for your happiness or your protection we can say that okay see but not uh the way you're saying it yes i need to be seen and heard as who i truly am i have a need to be seen and heard is who i truly am okay now i have a impulse to qualify that and say free to be free i have a need to be the last word in that sentence is who i truly am free i have a need who i truly am to be
free yes that's a need we all have the important thing will come out when we get to a request because that's a request that only you can meet other people can't do that they can't meet that need so if you don't know how to meet it for yourself for freedom you won't have that need met um i'm feeling a bit frustrated because i'm noticing that everything is a strategy in other words mine is a need for an aesthetic environment but underneath that there is a need for serenity and my serenity doesn't come from the environment
so this entire request starting at a is a strategy to get something called serenity okay that's the need then i have a need for certain peace but isn't there a need and there for certain aesthetics that will right but it it crumbles the house of cards for me of wanting the sink not filled with dirty dishes help me understand that why wouldn't the uh if you have a need for serenity but serenity doesn't come from a clean sink okay then we haven't got the the right need then or the right then it's not that you
want the strap the sink cleaned out but i'm projecting that need onto the sink thus onto a behavior of someone else well the other person's behavior can be getting in the way of our need getting that if the dishes aren't done and it could be some needs of yours are not being met by that then you have to identify what the needs are that are not getting met i'm not sure i'm i'm really not sure that i'm not basing my an assumption that by having that sink clean that i'm going to have serenity and i
think it's a false distinction well the nice thing about being clear about our request is we can test it out if i say i for my need for serenity i'd really be grateful if you would clean up the sink the person does it and i'm still not serene okay that helps i know that doesn't work see we never really know what we want until after we get it if after we get it it makes life more miserable then we know that isn't what we wanted if it makes life more wonderful then we know that is
what you know the strategy that will meet our need that's what makes life fun we never know what we want until after we get it that's why paul tillis the theologian says that christianity requires the willingness to sin courageously [Laughter] you ask for what you want hoping to meet your needs you get it it makes life worse okay now i've learned that isn't what i want wouldn't it be boring to know what is wrong yes when okay when you do what i described i feel as i expressed because i need respect and acknowledgement and i
need to be able to feel safe in my job environment i hear needs in there yes when you do what i described i feel as i express because i need to express my desire and need without it hurting you no no no no we got a bunch of stuff if you want to avoid hurting other people the only way i can offer you to do that is to become a nice dead person yeah because if other people have jackal ears they can get hurt if you have heartburn so would i just cut off that second
half just i need to express my desire and need yes and then i and then what you want to say to yourself and i want to learn to enjoy your pain which is we're going to show you after lunch how to enjoy the other person's pain ooh that sounds it's one of the most loving things you can do you see if you as i will define it obviously i don't mean in a sadistic way yeah so i have a couple i'm working on one of them is because i have a need for predictability you know
i have a need for predictability okay and the other one be because i have a need for privacy yeah okay my need is for comradeship and acknowledgement of my comradeship i have a need to memorialize the life of your father and in doing so honor the life of your entire family the need to honor this life yes um i have a need to have communication with other people that is open and supportive of life need for supporting of life openness okay when when you do this i feel hurt because i have a need to be
heard and understood yes very important need that need for understanding to be heard to be listened to empathy there's different ways of expressing it but it's a critical need one that we have daily daily yes bottom line i have a need to love you and to let your love in i have a need to love but don't bring the other person in there too late i have a need for love to to love loving and to let blood yes see our needs don't when we believe that our needs involve another person doing something we take
a very abundant world and make it scarce very quickly so we don't want to mix up our need and a request we may have a request a strong request that a particular person meet our need for love see that's a strategy we may want this particular person but we don't have a need for that person to love us that's that's mixing up the need and the request we have a need for love we have a strong preference that this person take the actions to meet that need but we don't want to mix up the need
and the strategy okay
