[Music] thank you i have an important question has anyone out there ever felt like they didn't belong almost everybody's raising their hands i have another important question has anyone out there ever made someone else feel like they didn't belong i certainly have and i'll start there i was at a sales conference once it was a sales conference about 300 people in the room i'm one of about 10 women i'm one of two african-americans and i'm the only african-american woman in the room and the topic of conversation that day just happened to be diversity so i
remembered sitting in the front row and i remembered steam coming out of my ears because i'm sitting there looking at this typical white male executive talk about diversity and i sat there thinking you are going to talk to me about diversity no that's not going to happen so as i was sitting there i couldn't receive this person's message i mean as a matter of fact today i have no idea what that conversation was even about but i do know that i couldn't receive his message and i'm a really curious person so during a break i
walked up and i said mike you know what i really can't receive your message and he said why not and i said because of what you look like and he said i'm gay it was the first time that unconscious bias really hit me upside the head but i really didn't understand the impact of that story until i got home later that evening i was sitting down i was about to take my first bite of food and i burst into tears because what i realized is what i had done to mike people had been doing to
me my entire life they had been judging me simply by what i look like and i in turn had started to do that to other people it was that day that i said i would never make another person feel undervalued for who they were simply because of what they look like and i share that story with you because it's what drives me around this topic of belonging and it's actually what spurred me to start to think about the importance of why the notion of belonging really mattered to people so i want to talk a little
bit about that so a few years ago and by the way i've been doing diversity work for a really long time about 15 20 years and a few years ago there was a new topic that was or a new term that was actually introduced into the diversity arena and it was this term called belonging and i was super excited because i felt that as we were talking about inclusion and diversity there was something that was missing and for me it was belonging and now i finally knew exactly what it was and so i wanted to
go and find the secret sauce of belonging because what i thought because i wanted to solve problems for the world and i thought that if i could solve for belonging for all people and find that secret sauce i could help to transform corporations and workplaces and cultures and i could ensure that every single person in the workplace had a really positive employee experience i was so excited about this word belonging i created a whole structure around it it's called vibe value inclusion belonging and equity for all that's a talk for another day and so as
i sought to actually find this common definition of belonging i thought if i can just solve for belonging for the entire world i'll kind of have that secret secret size i'll bottle it up maybe make some t-shirts maybe some cool tennis shoes or mugs or something maybe make a couple of dollars um and so i went on the search to find the common definition a common definition that could apply for everybody around the world didn't matter what your race was your gender your physical ability your sexual orientation whether or not you were an immigrant it
really didn't matter this thing called belonging was going to be the best thing for everybody so as i search for this common definition i will admit that was my first big mistake let me tell you some lessons that i learned as i was going along this journey of belonging and i was trying to discover this for myself the first thing is that there are five basic conditions that must be in place for just about each and every one of us to feel like we belong there are five things that i feel must be in place
for me and i'll share those five things in a few minutes the second thing that i learned and it was a huge mistake and that was trying to define belonging in a single way for all people i couldn't do that because belonging means different things to different people what makes me feel like i belong doesn't necessarily make you or you or you feel like you belong belonging is different for each and every one of us so some things that make me feel like i belong one of those things is i can walk into work one
day sporting my braids and i can walk in the next day with my natural hair and people not look at me like i'm an alien because that's actually happened before or people gloss over me because they're afraid to say something because i've changed my appearance a little bit right but when i can come in and do that that makes me feel like i can belong or when i go into an executive meeting and i roll up my sleeves because it's a hot day and i want to show off my tattoo i don't want to be
judged for my tattoo because my tattoo is special to me it means something really important to me and i don't want to hide that part of me another thing that could make me feel like i belong is if i walk into work after a traumatic event has happened within my community and one of my workmates leans in and says hey how are you today that makes me feel like i belong now those might not be the things that make you feel like you belong but one of the important things that i also found was that
belonging is a two-way street and what i mean by that is we have to understand our own sense of belonging belonging isn't something that we can sit back and have something done to us we must participate and in order to do that you must know who you are as an individual in order to feel in or in order for you to be able to articulate what makes you have a sense of belonging those conditions those five conditions that i talked about which i'm going to talk about in a minute those must be in place and
that must be what other people do but you must also lean in and be able to tell people what it's going to take for you to feel like you belong because as i said it's different for every one of us the other thing that i discovered about belonging is that when those five conditions are in place and i still don't feel like i belong the power is in my hands i am the decision maker around how i can actually turn the tables and ensure that i do feel like i belong and i want to share
some tools and tips for that as well and then lastly and this is the most important thing and this is what my talk is all about and that is if you want people to thrive create the conditions for belonging these are the five tenets or conditions that i talked about the first one is psychological safety psychological safety must be in place because that that's what drives that sense of trust for us in the workplace or in the communities that we are in or at our church or at our synagogue or even on a team that
we are on that's psychological safety that place where i can actually share how i'm feeling regardless of how i'm feeling the environment is such that people are going to welcome how i'm feeling whether or not it's good or bad they're willing to listen to the experiences that i have and they're willing to they're willing to lean in to understanding those experiences as well psychological safety must be in place the second thing is empathy if we haven't learned anything over the last couple of years it is that empathy and care and compassion needs to stand tall
when we are leading other people and when we are engaging with other people we've got to go back to that sense of care about one another and in some cases we've actually lost our place there but empathy that care that compassion has to be in place for most of us as well acceptance is the next thing we need to be accepted for our out for our authentic cells and i use our authentic cells and our authentic best selves for a reason not our authentic whole selves because there is a thing about bringing our whole self
to work right there are parts of me that should be kept in the closet that we actually don't want to come out and when karen wants to be me nasty karen taylor on a monday my colleagues shouldn't have to deal with that that person gets to stay at home but my authentic best self that's the person that we want to show up every single day because that's a person who's going to who's going to help us thrive in the workplace as well the next one is about connection and connection is about a couple of things
it's about being connected to the people it's about being connected to a bigger purpose but for me this connection was even more so about feeling wanted people wanted me to be in that room that is an important element of belonging for me to feel that connection with other people regardless of how i am feeling that particular day that need for connection in all of us is something that is prevalent when you are building a culture of belonging and then lastly the notion of feeling embraced and some people think embraced hmm but think about this think
about what it feels like when you get that big warm warm embrace from someone that really loves you you feel valued you feel respected you feel appreciated and that's critical when it comes to belonging so these things are really important for just about any single person to feel like they belong but the important thing is when these things are at play this is when your energy level rises this is when you lean in at the table this is when your creativity and your innovation thrives this is when you want to be at the table and
people want to hear your voice because it's infectious the way that you're showing up okay that's what that feeling of belonging is all about because when these things are not in place you can't have a feeling of belonging when psychological safety is not in place psychological harm is and when psychological harm is that place emotional and mental trauma is actually playing out as well no one can thrive or feel like they belong when they're being traumatized right similarly if you feel disconnected how can you actually feel like you can thrive or like you can belong
if you feel disconnected from people and purpose right if you're not appreciated and respected for your contributions as a person and as an individual how are you going to feel like you belong so as long as these things are in place we all have an opportunity to feel like we belong because when the opposite is in place that's when we sit back that's when our voices are not being heard that's when we feel we're not a part of the system i don't know about any of you but that certainly isn't a place that i can
live for a very long time and imagine that you're actually the only one you're the only black person you're the only woman the only man you're only white person the only person with a disability it doesn't matter because when you're the only one now you actually are feeling isolated and you have no one that you can actually reach out to and talk to because that safe environment that psychological safety peace is not at play and that is not an environment that people want to stay or can thrive in all sounds doom and gloom but i
promise it's not because what i also believe is that you can actually change status quo when you when those five tenants that peace is in play for you and you are in your feeling psychological psychologically safe you can actually change the status quo if you're feeling like you're not belonging because imagine that you're sitting around a room and imagine that there's one seat left at the table and you go and you sit there and let's say that the two people standing next to you sitting next to you greet you and they say hello welcome to
the meeting how are you doing they want to hear your voice you're in a place where you can thrive your energy is high now imagine that you walk into the room it's that same room that same one seat is left but this time no one says anything to you no one says hello no one introduces himself no one cares about your opinion in the meeting okay that's a very different feeling that's a place where people can't thrive but if that's at play you can actually change status quo and here's why if those five things are
in play you can introduce yourself to the people next to you you can lean in and you can say i want to hear your voice a little bit more you can change your attitude and when you change the system around you is going to change as well when you act differently if you are more positive that will be infectious to people and they will be more positive around you so you actually can change the outcomes of your own belonging if peace is at play so i want to give you a few things to think about
as we close this day over the last few years we've lost our sense of humanity our sense of connection our sense of caring for one another our sense of coming together and making this a greater world for all people ensuring that there is inclusion belonging and equity for all of us it doesn't take much and so i leave you with this one question what are you going to do to ensure that you are creating the conditions of belonging in the circles that you run in because i guarantee you when you do create that sense of
belonging it allows people that opportunity to thrive it allows people to do what they do best and i guarantee you that if you want people to thrive create that sense of belonging and then sit back relax and watch people soar [Music] you
