[Music] what's up Amy hi Dr deloney uh how are you I'm great how are you pretty good pretty nervous oh don't be nervous I'm not that good at this you know that what's up um I have been wondering and probably have come into the realization that I think I might be a narcissist and I have like seen a lot of like narcissistic traits on the internet that I kind of resonated to and I have been sabotaging my relationships as well because I I don't I don't know if it's I'm not entirely sure if the root
cause of that is my past trauma but I don't I feel like I'm just making it as an excuse okay I will tell you that few few things in the world old are over dramatized and over complicated and overe explained and over fake diagnosed as narcissism on the internet okay okay the fact that you're asking this question in a compassionate way already put you way in the probably not category okay not all not all the way not all the way um I'm trying to think of the right way to approach this um name somebody that
you love my mom tell me about her she's very kind and compassionate okay she's she's very selfless and has Tau has raised me very well even though she's far away um where is she she um she lives in a different country okay okay and um she has she has never failed to even though we're far apart she has never failed to make her feel that she loves us and that she's still with us and um like reminding us to stay grounded and really have strength in our core Valu family love respect sure so what happened
as a child that makes you kind of feel like you're the the the tracks you were riding on in life are are are wobbly the child um the childhood is pretty Rocky for me tell me about it most of it it was good um but growing up oh sorry it's okay you're good um I saw my father like beat her up as well like physical abuse and I I I I I love my father he's a good Financial provider but he has a bit of controlling and is shoes um because he's the financial provider I
it seems to me that his way has to be like we should follow his way okay and like um and he there was an affair that happened between the two of them uh like my father kind of cheated and then also my mom kind of be it and then I think that that doesn't justify the action of my father beating my mom but no not at all yes but so you're a man can be a great financial provider and a terrible human being okay yeah and your father he might know how to make money and
he might know how to put you in school or send you over to America to the US he might know how to put cash in your check account and still be a horrific man for beating up your mom in front of you yeah on multiple occasions right I mean like like so all right so you're here and you're scrolling Tik Tok you're scrolling Instagram and you're seeing these five steps to know someone's a narcissist and suddenly you're starting to go oh God I think that's me what are some things you're seeing on that like in
these descriptions of these clickbait um these reals or whatever that makes you think I might have narcissistic personality disorder um it's the lack of empathy I think I'm kind of stuck in my other wound that affected me that affected myelf worth that I'm still questioning my my worth and feel guilty about it I don't think you lack empathy you just told me how you're empathetic to your mom and you like you're whole voice changed yeah I think if it's a family member I I am like that I love my family but okay I'm struggling to
how long have you been in the US um seven years seven years is this is English your first language no it isn't do you pass as a traditionally Caucasian person I'm sorry can you say that again do you do you pass as a traditionally Caucasian person no I'm not okay so you get dropped in the US during an incredibly hostile last decade right mm you're learning a language you are roundly known or you're seen and when you walk into a room not like us you don't know anybody you're dropped you see what I'm saying you
know you know without a doubt I cannot trust my father I know without a doubt both I love my mom and I Harbor and probably if you went there there's some anger around your mom too um you seem to have a lot of feelings I do okay I think another part of that is I was also sexually violated when I was young okay I'm so sorry Amy yeah how old are you now I'm 30 okay if I can tell you one thing is that your body has learned your body not your mind but your body
not that they're separate but in this case like take your fist right now and put it right in the middle of your chest okay like right there has learned people are not trustworthy because people will hurt you yes did you know the person who sexually assaulted you it's my uh my mother's half brother okay I can't trust family M now I get dropped into a new culture a new language a new I don't look like anybody everybody's marching and yelling and screaming and hating your body knows I'm not safe anywhere yeah and so a a
a a squashing of trying to absorb the feelings and energy and compassion of the people around you makes perfect sense cuz every time you you've done that in your life it got you hurt from an uncle from your dad from your mom from your the people you got dropped off with in the US you see what I'm saying yeah yes do you have an exaggerated feeling of self-importance do you believe you're better than the rest of the world no no okay um would you rather people put you on a pedestal and bow before you or
would you rather somebody that you deeply trusted come up and hug you and hold you that deeply trust and someone hold me okay and hug me yeah I don't do diagnostics on this show I just don't do it there's too much involved but you're not a narcissist okay okay you're not broken I think your body's actually working really well okay okay okay will you do me a huge favor take a huge deep breath and hold it three two let it out tell me about your friend group here in in the US um I don't have
a lot I have met most most of them from through my siblings but uh I have a few they're out of state um I haven't told them about my my past your siblings now I'm sorry I have told my siblings but I haven't told about my friends uh about my about I haven't told my friends about my past and um because there's still a part of me that's like shameful of that yeah I just shared it to my brother a couple of months ago and that that helped me a lot was he compassionate in his
response he is what a great man good for him good for him and that and that might be the first um man in your life that responded in a compassionate and vulnerable way where he said I see you and I still love you right yes he is a great man awesome he's the only man I I trust honestly okay so what what's your religion of origin I was raised uh in a Roman Catholic household okay and I am practicing Christian okay um in a Catholic and a Christian there's there's some and this is in every
major religion there's some ethos of confession and especially the Christian religion Roman Catholic Rel they've turned it into name all the bad things you did last week There's Something much deeper to the idea of confession okay the origin is I'm sitting with somebody who's hurting and I drop my shoulders and I say this happened to me mhm and and they say I see you and I still love you or as the great David Kessler says he's a he's a grief researcher here in the US and a practitioner really he says grief demands a witness oh
yeah what does that mean you have to find safe places safe people where you can tell your story it's true okay you bottling and holding all this in compresses the ability to meet other people where they are that's vulnerability and I hate that word it just is what it is what it is okay so that means some people need to find a therapist some people need to find a trusting Faith Community some people have an amazing brother like you have some people um have close close close friends I'm going to I'm going to implore you
as a 30-year-old I think your mission over the next four or five years is to get some great girlfriends some great friends yes that you can be honest and open with it might be um getting in your local phone book there in Sacramento and finding or getting online phone book May me sound like I'm a thousand years old get online and find like um a an abuse Recovery Group that can meet yeah but you need to be with other people where you can tell your story in a safe place and your whole body here's here's
the transition you're hoping to make I wasn't safe then I am safe now okay okay that's very helpful that does that does that resonate with you yeah I've never thought of it that way okay you care about other people you you don't other people aren't your jet fuel to get through a day right you don't walk around thinking you are better than everyone and so they are essentially the sidewalk with which you will walk on to accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish that's not you you're an amazing young woman who got hurt real
real bad by people who were supposed to care and love about her and then got shipped off to another country and said go figure it out that sound right yes it is correct can I tell you that I think you're brave for making this phone call and I'm really grateful for you thank you thank you so much um will you call somebody today whether that's a local counselor or a local friend and say I just need some things I need to talk to you about yes I will and actually have therapy tomorrow as well good
does your therapist know about all this yes she has okay I want you to ask her I want you to say the words I'm ready to start taking some action yeah and you're going to have two different kinds of action you're going to have one kind of action which is healing from the actual abuse yes and if she hasn't or is is in the process of starting through a um trauma AA therapy that will walk you back through and free your body from that then I I I want you to ask for that I'm ready
to start into the trauma therapy it's going to have some breathing exercises some calming techniques and then we're going to go back to to hell where things happened and we're going to tell teach our bodies that we're okay now right there's a whole process the second thing is I want you to ask your therapist I want you to say I want to find a group in town where I can begin to tell my story and be comfortable in my own skin here in Sacramento California in the US at the age of 30 I want to
start living my life forward now okay okay okay now just think about that think about 35-year-old Amy MH free does that sound so good yeah very common Amy you're not broken there's not something wrong with you okay there's not something wrong with you I think I think you're is working pretty good and for just for good measure you may want to ask your therapist you think I have think I have narcissistic personality disorder and your therapist will probably spit her coffee out and say I don't think so I don't think so I'm really grateful for
the call Amy and everybody on the internet stop calling everybody narcissist stop stop let's just take a moratorium on the word narcissist
