Jimmy I am a host of the show thank you for watching thank you for joining us here on a that was a beautiful day in Hollywood California I don't know if you're aware of this maybe you saw this when you're lined up outside hundreds of people are hard at work setting up the Oscars which happen on Sunday right across the street we have a special guest on our show tonight joining our show for the first time ever one of the all-time television greats a man who goes by many names the Irish beanock the Jolly Ginger
Giant the albino rhino the host of the Oscars Conan O'Brien is here with us now that's that's the good news the bad news is I'm looking for a new place to buy yarn because after 82 years the knit has hit the fan Joanne the store your mother's love since before she even loved you the store where your grandma bought the needles to crochet your little booties and that had you were one time is going out of business they're shutting down 800 I I'll give you a few moments of silence for prayer or reflection I have
to say I know why they close and it's not because of the internet everybody thinks it's because of the internet the reason they're closing Joanne is because they named their store Joanne okay used to be Joanne Fabrics but some genius was like you know what we've got more than just Fabrics we've got glue guns we got ribbon we have buttons maybe we should just go as Joanne and everybody's like oh yeah that's a good no one raised their hand said hey that's a terrible idea it's confusing Joanna is my aunt's name you tell me I'm
going to Joanne I'm like oh say hello to Uncle Tony you can't change the name of a store to Joanne it could be Joann's it could be Joanne Fab could be the Joanne store not Jo Michaels isn't Michael it's Michaels and guess what still open that's right and I'm going to tell you something right now my at home laughing his ass off at Joanne it said I love that story I never went in it but I love that story but while Joanne May soon be gone all the weird stuff we bought there will live in
our hearts and boxes in our closets forever [Music] so many gnomes so many gnomes in our homes you know um oh you know what they say when a Joanne closes a Spirit Halloween store opens its doors in happier news guess what is coming back the fire Festival the disastrous music and lifestyle fire Festival that happened back in 2017 and was such an epic mess it inspired not one but two documentaries about what an epic mess it was is coming back the guy who ran it went to prison but you know what they say if at
first you strand hundreds of people on an island with no food or water try try again tickets on sale today range in price from $1,400 to $1.1 million an experience McFarland says includes yacht accommodations and access to artist performing though no artists have been announced yet we're going to have artists across electronic hip-hop pop and rock however it's not just music we might have a professional skateboarder do a demonstration we might have an MMA champion teach you techniques in the morning you say we might have are any of these for sure halves are they booked
so I think what makes fire so cool is that we are selling the experience of Fire who would want the experience of fire hey half the state of California had the experience of fire it wasn't great my Farin says he knows the experience might not be for everyone is it a risk to buy a ticket to fire Festival too I think it's always a risk you're taking a risk because I made a lot of bad decisions and messed up the first Festival well when you put it that way why not you know do you take
Discover card I'd like to get the $1.1 million package that guy his name is Billy McFarland he did four years for wire fraud uh for bank fraud and making false statements to law enforcement how he's not part of the Trump Administration already I have no idea because he fit right in the whole country is a is a fire Festival right now and Elon Musk is soaking the mattresses it is so much worse than I think anyone imagined it might be Elon and his Musketeers you probably heard they sent an email to all federal employees ordering
them to list five things they did at work last week Trump loved this idea he said it was genius and he said anyone who didn't respond to the email would be fired or semi fired which what if that was his catchphrase on The Apprentice meatloaf you're fired or semi fired but then just a few hours later the office of personnel management said responding to the email it was not mandatory it was voluntary and a number of Trump's other departments like the FBI the justice department the defense and state department specifically told their people do not
respond to this email in other words thank you Doge our government is finally running efficiently what a job so then today you know there were more than three million federal workers right now spinning in circles because they don't know what to do today our celebrity president made his plan perfectly clear can you clarify hopefully once and for all what your expectations are with this email to federal employees what are you going to use that information for and do you see it as voluntary like op said or mandatory well it's somewhat voluntary but it's also if
you don't answer I guess you get fired uh what it really is what it is is do people exist okay now I understand it's somewhat voluntary but if you don't respond he guesses you get fired thanks for clearing that up I think it might be time to give the planet to the Apes because we're finished these poor federal workers I mean really can you imagine these federal workers are as confused as elon's kids were when they realized their father named them after a phone number and maybe the craziest part of all of it is Elon
Musk has no official authority to fire anyone he's not an elected official he wasn't appointed he wasn't confirmed who knew you could fire people at a place you don't even work I might try it at Chipotle sometime just to see what happens and then because there isn't enough dumb happening we have the clan mom Marjorie Taylor green who doesn't seem to think federal workers have any value at all those are not real jobs producing federal revenue those jobs are paid for by the American Tax people federal employees do not deserve their jobs federal employees not
do not deserve their paychecks wait aren't you a federal employee it's you're a congress person I got to tell you something I can't believe Kermit the Frog goes out with her it really thousands of employees have been let go at National Parks thousands of Park Rangers have been laid off or resigned in protest you know how Smoky bear says only you can prevent forest fires it's about to be true they are firing CIA agents uh the FBI agents the VA the CDC scientists working on the bird flu which could soon be a pandemic or losing
their jobs but Trump's flying monkeys are all in they love this so much in Florida Governor Ronda santis held a press conference to announce he's now forming his own Doge task force on a state level and all also uh he wanted to do this weird thing to his face okay do we have any questions yes yeah I have a question could we see that again but it's slower this time all right he goes for the nose once twice then for the lips and then a swipe of The dimple and down into the pants that's right
as if as if Florida wasn't gross enough it's like he's trying to Ian trying to tell somebody to steal second or something we' have gotten very relaxed since Co when Co showed up we stopped we weren't even shaking hands but as soon as it died down we went right back to creaming our germs all over each other again which is not good it's a bad thing and and it's the reason why I've been working to develop a product that I believe will save Millions if not hundreds of lives and I call it hand mask I'll
show show you how it works Garo all right you just put it on SIMPLE and look at how healthy he is hand mask protects your hand and any hand you touch by shielding it so that germs never come into contact with your body genius you say well I'm flattered and I couldn't agree more hello it's me your favorite television celebrity and I am so proud to be partnering with my friend Lee Greenwood to bring you my newest and greatest product yet hand mask this is the most important advancement in public health and sanitation since the
recently debunk polio vaccine the hand mask protects you and your loved ones from nearly every non-sexually transmitted disease neuro virus Corona virus eoli chickenpox trucker rash ious bladder lazy uterus cooties crabs and whatever this [Music] is I bought a thousand boxes of these on Amazon and now I am marking them way up and offering them to you get your hand mask for only $29.95 available in both right and left and they're so easy to apply that fum but don't just take it from me damn it take it from fellow satisfied hand mask wearers hand mask
hand mask could gives me the freedom to shake hands again hand mask again I never take mine off me neither wait aren't these just gloves pick them ah greet the world with the confidence of knowing that disease and pestilence are a thing of the past thanks to hand mask to get yours go to handm mask with 2k.com the extra K is for Kimmel because hand mask with 1K was taken hand mask does not protect against germs or disease yes it does no it doesn't it does it doesn't use hand mask at your own risk available
at Walgreens I accept your Nobel prize g Mo do you know how many subscribers we have on YouTube now uh 20 million that's right yeah that's why we're wearing these glasses thanks for being a subscriber if you're not help us get to 20 million in one [Music]
