Every day, I receive testimonies and questions from people who are tormented by the guilt they feel for their original families - dysfunctional families rife with chaos and misunderstanding. This podcast is for people who have chosen to walk away or who are still hesitant to do so, people who are lost, who are grieved with guilt and do not yet know which path to take or how to go about it. with their families of origin.
Okay, I'd rather tell you right off the bat, there will probably be some tears that will fall. I'm sorry for that. But I hope it really will be tears of liberation.
The incomprehension of those around you and the taboos in society do not make it easier when you want to distance yourself. There is always someone there to make you feel guilty, to remind you of the importance of family values, to preach you talks about unconditional love and forgiveness. And what about traditional holidays that are synonymous with family reunions?
And especially when you see all those social media posts from your friends or loved ones posting pictures of perfect portraits of happy families? How do you feel on Mother's Day or Father's Day? Birthdays ?
All these people who make you feel guilty, what do they know about the suffering you are going through ? They rush into judgments saying that you are a horrible and heartless person. If this sounds familiar to you, then this podcast is for you.
Healing from family abuse sometimes involves making radical decisions for one's sanity, but also dealing with overwhelming feelings of guilt. First of all, it is important to understand what exactly we are talking about. I will therefore try to clarify the concept of guilt.
Generally speaking, it's normal to feel guilt for any human being with a conscience, isn't it? It is a part of what makes us human. Because this feeling of guilt that gnaws at us, allows us to question ourselves and correct our mistakes.
Sometimes that involves apologizing to someone you've unintentionally hurt, or correcting behaviors that have negatively impacted a person. And sometimes you can also be unfair to yourself. In this case, guilt allows us to take steps to realign ourselves with our own values.
There are two types of guilt. The first is the one I just described. The one that allows us to fix our mistakes.
This is what I will call the normal guilt that any human being with a functional conscience feels. But the 2nd form of guilt is unfair and inappropriate. It is a guilt which does not correspond to any wrong.
It means that you haven't done anything wrong to make yourself feel guilty. But you still feel this form of unwarranted guilt. It is a heavy burden that you carry and that other people use to manipulate you emotionally.
The problem is, these two forms of guilt are very similar in terms of feeling. So you are not always able to distinguish, especially if there is one or more people who are exerting psychological pressure through guilt. We are all humans who make mistakes and sometimes we even make bad choices.
But to inflict punishment on yourself without wrongdoing is an injustice. You are carrying excessive and unwarranted weight. I myself struggled a lot with this unwarranted guilt when I was at the beginning of the path, when I wanted to take back control of my life and my sanity .
. . when I made categorical decisions to distance myself and finally come back to me .
. . Today, with hindsight, I see how much this guilt had robbed me of my energy and my joy of living at the time.
Whenever I allowed myself to treat myself to something just for myself or to do something that made me happy, like spending a few days on vacation with my friends instead of visiting my mother, I would dive back into it. guilt. Yet I wasn't hurting anyone by just wanting to take a few days of vacation and recharge my batteries.
If I speak of guilt today, it's not because I studied it in books and research articles, it is because I have lived, I have suffered and I ' managed to free myself from it. And here I want to help bring you my help to regain your zest for life and free you from this dark and overwhelming feeling. I really hope that these few words from the heart will help you understand two essential things: First you are not alone.
And two, you don't have to suffer more. Guilt is psychological torture. And since the dawn of time, it has been used as a powerful weapon of manipulation, to get people to make choices and make decisions under duress.
Guilt is a means of coercion. And if today you - you feel weighed down by the weight of guilt, it's not because you made mistakes, but because it's conditioning, it's a cognitive pattern that you've been dragging along since. long years.
In other words, a diagram is a kind of program, like a computer program, that allows you to encode information and interpret the world around you. If guilt and shame are part of your conditioning, it's no wonder you repeat the same program as an adult and continue to read the world through the guilt spectrum. Your mind has been used from childhood to automatically react in a certain way when faced with a certain type of stimuli.
In other words, there are automatisms which are executed by default without your being aware of it. These are called automatic thoughts. And I open a parenthesis here to explain what an automatic thought is.
In fact, we have two types of thoughts. The so-called reflective or conscious thoughts. For example, making the shopping list, or doing a calculation without having to use a calculator.
And the other type of thought are the so-called automatic thoughts . These are all thoughts that are repetitive that have at some point been automated by the brain. And it is this 2nd type of thought that poses problems.
Fortunately , then, not all automatic thoughts are dysfunctional. But among these thoughts, there is a part which are called dysfunctional thoughts or fast cognitive distortion thoughts and are therefore not processed by the cognitive part of the brain. For example, at work, Emma has the habit each morning, to spend a friendly and sympathetic moment in front of the coffee machine with her colleague Andréa.
One morning, Andréa walks past the coffee machine without even saying hello to her colleague. Emma is in all her trouble. Immediately, she thinks that her collaborator is angry with her.
She wonders what she could have done or said to upset her and she is consumed with guilt. So, this is an example of dysfunctional thinking related to guilt. Because Emma has been conditioned from a young age to feel guilty about all the problems in the family.
This situation with her colleague automatically triggered the execution of her default conditioning. But if Emma learns to spot the appearance or the automatic triggering of this program by default, she can first examine the veracity or the relevance of this thought, then she will gradually learn to replace these faulty conditionings. It obviously takes time.
It's not going to happen overnight. So he makes you be very patient. When we are not aware of the occurrence of these types of automatic thoughts , we let ourselves be invaded and we feel excessively guilty, and yet we have done nothing wrong!
And we have an inner discourse that is very unfair to ourselves. We are passing a very severe judgment on ourselves! To break free from this unfounded feeling of guilt, it is necessary to examine these inner dialogues, to learn to spot the triggers of such dysfunctional thoughts.
In other words, what are the events, situations or external or internal stimuli that trigger in you this feeling of guilt? It takes a little time and a lot of work. When you come to understand what causes such automatisms in you and plunges you into guilt, you will be able to gradually transform this negative and unfounded dialogue into more reflective and rational thoughts.
There are several factors that contribute to intensify this feeling of guilt, including the dominant belief system on families, the lack of awareness and knowledge about dysfunctional family dynamics, but also on the impact of childhood trauma on the family. psychology of the adult and the need for this adult to come out of this environment to heal his wounds. Among the guilting talk you can hear: "You shouldn't abandon your family.
But let's see it's your mother, or else your father, but you know they love you. You're exaggerating! All parents love their children.
. You should forgive. You should show unconditional love.
" These same people don't even know what the concept of unconditional love means. They won't tell you in a straightforward way. But they imply in their speeches that you are a horrible person because you are abandoning your family.
But let me tell you one thing once and for all. No one chooses to move away from their family. When you come to such a radical decision, it means that you had no other choice and that you were forced and compelled to walk away.
This means that we have already tried everything, that we have taken other paths to find common ground, to initiate a benevolent dialogue . . .
But all that did not work. It is not a question of love or hate but a question of personal dignity! A question of self-respect.
Choosing to move away is not saying no to one's family, but saying no to abuse, refusing manipulation, refusing disrespect, intrusion, coercion, manipulation and family drama. You are not abandoning your family. But you - protect yourself and refuse to be a victim.
Often, the unconditional love that we ask for is a one-sided love. It is always you who should show unconditional love. But it doesn't work the other way around.
You never receive this love and you have never received it. Their affection was always conditioned on you doing something to glorify their narcissistic ego. What kind of family is this?
A family unable to see your suffering, blind to your pain and deaf to your cries of pain. A family that doesn't care about your needs. Who totally despises your need for individuality and cares only about what you can bring to the family.
And we can no longer exploit you, you are not legitimate. Besides, you never were in their eyes. The people who make these guilty speeches indirectly validate this injustice and allow them to go on forever.
They make you feel guilty without knowing exactly what they are talking about. They ignore the psychological consequences, the scars you have in your heart . .
. They ignore your suffering. And in some cases they are completely indifferent and unresponsive to your pain.
Do they have your heart to suffer or your eyes to cry? They are based on generalizations . .
. They make assumptions . .
. without considering your feelings. If you have chosen to walk away, you have chosen a different path, that of freedom and dignity .
. . not because you don't love your family but because you are bored and you need to find yourself.
. . .
But what do they know about all this? People who speak guiltily have never lived a single moment in your skin. They have no idea what goes behind closed doors.
They blame the victim for being a victim . . .
And I am not saying that we should mope around the status of victim . . .
But it is very important first, to recognize the reality of harm you have suffered, then take the necessary steps to stop authorizing this type of abuse. This 2nd form of unfair and unfounded guilt means that you have not yet clarified whether you are guilty of something wrong or not. The person who feels the most guilt in a dysfunctional family is often the person with the most sensitivity, and often this is the person who has been assigned the role of scapegoat.
I am not saying that there is exclusively one person carrying this weight or one person whose suffering is legitimate. But the person or people who have the most sensitivity will carry the most guilt. This guilt is often coupled with savior syndrome and the deficit of self-love - that is, the needs of others are more important than one's own needs.
By the way, on this subject I recommend that you listen to the podcast I made on the self-love deficit - you will find the link in suggestion. This person - that is, the one with the most sensitivity - is going to carry all the guilt and shame that the family does not want to acknowledge. I know it is difficult to accept the idea that you are not responsible for the suffering of your family.
That you are not the person to blame . . .
that you are not guilty of anything by choosing yourself! By choosing your dignity. We were innocent children caught up in the confused tangle of the dysfunctional family system.
We could not realize it at the time. We thought it was normal because we were born and raised in such systems. And we depended on adults to take care of us because we were vulnerable.
But today you are adults and you have to take responsibility to distance yourself , take the decision to step away and protect yourself from this harmful environment for you. If you quit a job because you have a tyrannical boss, would that be considered normal in society? I think the answer is quite yes.
No one will come to question your decision to leave a work environment that is harmful to your mental and physical health, is they. But to resign, in quotes, from your own family, socially it is not accepted! But you don't need the company's approval .
And, well I think you feel guilty because it's social conditioning too. While you've been in therapy for years. And you suffered from it in loneliness and bitterness.
You've silently endured lies, manipulation, breaking your limits . . .
you've been their punching bag for years. And now it is time to step out of this role of pain-reliever. You don't need society to tell you what to do and what not to do .
You don't need these completely foreign people to dictate your personal choices and decisions. Don't waste your time or precious energy on people who are never, ever going to approve your decisions. Rather, go inside yourself.
Look for the keys in your heart, not in social beliefs. Do this mental reprogramming work. And it is by reprogramming dysfunctional patterns little by little that you will free yourself from this burden of guilt.
No one has power over your heart. You are the master of yourself. I know it takes time to develop some resilience.
But I also know that you have the stamina and that you have the will and the determination to do it. Your place is not in this toxic environment. And you are not abandoning them, but you are forced and forced to move away from the people who destroy you mentally and physically.
Some people will come to you and talk to you about family loyalty. But let me ask you a question, well a rhetorical and common sense question. Why is loyalty asymmetric?
Why does it always have to come from one person? Why is it not reciprocal? Why is no one there when you need support?
Family loyalty? Wow ? Who decided on such a moral precept ?
Who has decreed that this loyalty must necessarily rest with children even when they have been abused and their rights have never been respected? You didn't ask to be born and your parents were responsible for you, period. It is normal for all parents to take care of their child, to take responsibility for their education in the best conditions available to them and also to support them to grow, to assert themselves and to build an independent, assertive personality.
and autonomous, is not it. Another concept that was invented to chain us and keep us slaves to the past! It is counterintuitive to feel loyalty to someone who has betrayed us.
That doesn't make sense, does it? So tell me, what exactly do you feel guilty about? To live your life?
To build yourself? To have a life independent of the family drama? Are you guilty because you chose to respect yourself first?
Moreover, many people testify to have prospered on all fronts when they have distanced themselves from their dysfunctional families. And you shouldn't see that as a form of rebellion, it's not a lack of maturity, it's not a lack of responsibility, nor a lack of loyalty . .
. You are not a bad person. On the contrary.
Because this decision surely took you a long time and you know you had no other choice. Because this decision has surely cost you. And it took you a while to get to this.
And you know you had no choice. They gave you no choice. And you chose your freedom, you chose to take flight on your own .
. . And there, I would like to tell you a little story.
Imagine the egg of a dove falling from the nest in a chicken coop. The egg hatches and the little dove is found among the hens. She didn't know she was of a different nature.
She therefore followed her fellows. She walks, she pecks . .
. But one day she saw other doves flying over the environment. She lifted her head and sighed.
She wanted to fly too. But her parents and siblings told her repeatedly that she was incapable of flying, that chickens were not made to fly and that she never could. But deep in her soul she knew that one day she would fly away .
. . She knew she was different from the others.
Despite the taunts and contempt of the other hens, she trained every day to succeed in flying one day. And when she finally took off, she landed on the branch of a tree and looked down towards the henhouse. Her parents' disapproving look made her hesitate.
She was torn between wanting to get away from the henhouse and the feeling of abandoning her own family. Now let me ask you a quick question. What would you do in the place of the dove?
Do you fly away or come back to the henhouse? The message I wanted to convey to you through this little story is that the dove is different in its nature from hens. She's made to fly.
You can't blame a dove for having wings . . .
You ca n't blame it for its ability and desire to fly. Because that's his nature. On the other hand, imagine what this dove could still endure if it remained in the henhouse!
To remain among the hens is to renounce one's nature, one's freedom. Of course, it's a simple analogy that has nothing against chickens, because I personally love and respect all animals. And I find chickens to be particularly adorable creatures.
I just used this image just to illustrate my idea. And so the message behind this fable is telling yourself that you are not guilty of wanting to fly away from these people who are dragging you down and preventing you from thriving and flourishing. Making the decision to walk away is a form of self-preservation and not contempt for others.
Getting away is to regain control of your life and not to punish your own family. This decision is the expression of your authenticity and your congruence with who you are. It is time to let go of the responsibility that is not yours to fix your family.
Because this mission is an absurdity, a rock of Sisyphus. Accepting this reality is a strength, not a weakness. You don't have to justify yourself, you don't have to justify your choices , you don't have to explain to people who do not intend to understand you the reasons which pushed you to make such a decision, you do not you don't have to explain or justify anything to them.
You are an adult today and you don't have to do this anymore. Your decision is up to you. And be firm.
It's your own story. Your own way . Your own path.
It doesn't belong to anyone and it's you. It is not about them. It's about you, creating the life that looks like you, and discovering the new version of yourself.
And I hope with all my heart that these few words have succeeded in convincing you that you are not guilty of anything, or at least that it has moved something in you to help you bring you closer to inner peace and serenity. . Okay, lastly, you know the usual message, a thumbs up for the YouTube algorithm.
Thank you very much for listening. Take care of yourself and see you next time.
