Mother Complex: How To Heal Your Mother Wound (Read This Psychology) - Inner Work Library [180/500]

did you have a hot mommy or a cold mommy were they way too much or not enough and were they way too close or way too far in a distance these three questions these three spectrums of emotional psychological investigation will give you a precise subjective analysis of your particular mother wound I've got a few books for us to go into three books on feminine psychology but fundamentally we're going to work with the mother wound and the mother complex so that you can understand your relationship to women in your adult life to your literal mother yes

but also to family members who are women if you're a man to the women that you're dating or maybe your daughter the many women that we have in our lives women and female friends there all kinds of examples I can't go into every single one but what I can do is give you a blueprint of Investigation to know how your mother didn't feel the way she should there's distortions and there's disorders and there's trauma within the mother wound but if you start googling for the mother the wound or the mother complex or issues with your

mommy overall you're going to find all kinds of psychological terminology around narcissism or attachment disorders or some kind of disorganized social bonding or something that happened during breastfeeding whatever it might be you're going to find all of this terminology but you didn't experience her that way when you were a child you experienced her energy you experienced her proximity and you experienced her intensity put simply the mother wound can be broken down into temperature how hot how cold proximity how close how far and intensity as I just mentioned way too much or not enough there's many

different anecdotal investigations but by the end of this video you'll be able to understand your initial imprinting of the feminine and probably get some insights and oh that's why I keep dating this kind of woman oh that's why I keep having these issues with my female friends oh that's why I still have issues with my actual mother and I'm going to give you a healing Pathway to try and create healthier more reliable and arguably personalized relationships to women which heal the trauma of the past it puts it in its own container you don't Loop and

repeat on that initial conditioning and this is revolutionary if you're a man watching this video and you think that it's kind of a waste of time to look at your mother wound maybe it's a bit of a weak thing to do frame it as an important Act of self-inquiry so that you can have better relationships with romantic partners with female friends and maybe with your daughter that's a powerful powerful incentive and if you're a woman who thinks that your mother should be left in the past because of what she did or what she didn't do

understand that the literal relationship to your mother may not need to be changed but you will encounter the mother wound on the faces of all the women that you encounter because you can't get away from that initial conditioning if you haven't taken the time to look back into the past with an honest truly introspective moment of contemplation that's what we're going to work through in this video by the end of the video you'll have a timeline from 0 to 18 more or less of how your Mothership over time you have an idea of what went

wrong and what went right but fundamentally ask yourself the question was your mother a hot mother or a cool mother what kind of hot what kind of cold was she a warm loving embracing kind of warmth or was she more of a firework was she more of a volcanic eruption and that's where rage comes in or was she more of a simmering lowgrade warmth it was barely there barely a candle in the Darkness but she was still a little bit warm or was she more of a icy mother was she Ice Cold Stone Cold there's

a reason we use that terminology and hopefully you're thinking back to your memories of what she was like and you have a pretty clear indication she was mainly a warm mother mainly a cool mother she might be the icy Mountain Queen but also she could just be a nice cold woman and this is what happens when if you go onto YouTube or you go on to Google and start searching for issues with the mother wound or mother complex you can lose a lot of the Nuance all of this conversation that's about to come up this

mother wound video which is a compliment to the father wound video which you can also watch you can see the same framework playing out over both of the parent archetypes the hot mother may be seen as the assumed best option the warm mother the loving mother that's what a mother should be but what if the child is way too warm does a firework child need another firework mother and definitely not they might have a lot of fun together when they're playing in the garden but generally speaking the firework child needs a cool mother a mother

who feels like the cool side of the pillow or like a cool breeze on a sunny day that child feels safe with the coolness of their own mom another child who's more cold more introverted maybe they're more involved in their own inner world or at the very least they could just be shy or timid they probably benefit from having a warmer mother I'm going to have a best uh a guest or a bet the majority of people who watch my videos probably are more introverted types not a wild guess for me to have and you're

probably a little bit cooler as a child so you'd benefit from a bit of a warmer mother but then how warm how often that's when we start to talk about intensity and proximity the proximity that we have to our parents is important for shaping our attachment issues we need to have the right space between time alone and time together of course developmental psychology running all the way from age zero to age 18 there's a lot of changes in the very very very distinct stages of childhood it can't all be mapped out on a single Spectrum

but generally speaking there needs to be a fine balance between time alone and time with mother did she get it right did you feel like your mother was way too close always up in your face always investigating helicopter parenting always butting in you were in your room playing and she'd always come in she'd always be doing something in a frantic or frenetic way or maybe not frantic maybe just that gentle presence maybe peeking around the door I love you I'm glad you're playing and then she goes again that feels very different they can be close

and they can have a high intensity or low intensity that's where it changes it high intensity way too close open the door a million questions trying to get involved feels like a bit a bit too much for the little boy or little girl close proximity lower intensity the door opens not so often not so many times per day oh that's a wonderful game sweetheart and then off they go you know she's there feels very very different these two aspects together how close and how intense they work across the entire Spectrum you can think of a

mother on the extreme end of the spectrum again she's really hot by default she's a hot mother quite literally she's a hot mother and she's too far away that means that she has a presence which is probably felt as more of an anger or a disapproving intensity you worry that if you get too close to her you might get consumed by her so you keep a bit of distance or she keeps a distance from you maybe she doesn't know how to relate to you doesn't really matter what the situation is if you felt like she

was warm but inaccessible it's likely that the proximity effect is that she is out of bounds she's Beyond reach you couldn't reach out for her she wasn't reliable she couldn't bridge that gap between an internal problem and asking for help or expecting that you receive the help that you needed from her these are just a few of the examples based on longdistance proximity and of course at the most extreme situation what if your mother abandoned you literally what if you were put up for adoption or your mother unfortunately lost her life when you were a

child or maybe there was a divorce in the family this is where the proximity effect can get more complicated fundamentally to recap we've got heat the temperature of hot or cold we've got the proximity of how close how far away and then that intensity aspect can again change dep depending on the intention a wonderfully loving close mother might be intense with her love but it's felt as a good thing to the small child a negatively tilted mother can be intense with her negativity and it feels like death and this is where we need to look

at a book like Into the Heart of the feminine because this book as you can see from the Medusa imagery on the front goes into a lot of the de mother I've actually selected a quote reading now directly from the book if we experience the de mother archetype while we are growing up we will internalize the negative archetypal energy in the course of time it will become written in our physical bodies as it was reflected did in the bodies of a certain myth and later down the page as our hopelessness grows these patterns May evolve

into defensive mechanisms that are also physical such as vomiting being overweight migraines and other symptoms such symptoms are an effort listen to this if you experienced the death mother when you were younger such symptoms are an effort to keep the poison out and to avoid dealing with our core inner issue so much more that I'm leaving out but that's one example of the death mother archetype and for some people the death mother archetype type can be very hot or very cold they can be very distant or very close but the intensity is usually very high

but also and frustratingly for me as a teacher the intensity can be low you could have a cold distant low charge death mother energy and that's the ominous looming threat like a a ghost in a haunted house she's barely there she barely exists in the home but you have an uneasy feeling about her because she's got something anxious something secretive something that you don't quite trust that's one version one face of the de mother or negative mother archetype whereas you could also be right up in your face fireworks exploding in your eyes and her anger

Knows No Limits it depends on your situation but hopefully you can appreciate that even just 10 minutes into this video we're breaking down the experience of being a child with your particular mother based on subjective conditions rather than psycho Babble and psychiatric language I'm not talking about too much it's unavoidable to some degree I have to say things like anxiety or anger or maybe depression I have to use general terms but I'm trying not to go into language around narcissism or certain types of disorders or certain types of attachment terminology and making it relatable to

your actual experience of childhood what you need to do if you can if you can feel what I'm doing here is try and Trace that over the timeline of your development because one thing that people fall victim to and I see this in my client work all the time is that they have an archetypal image of their mother which is fixated at a certain age and usually it would either be a particularly bad period in Life or a particularly good period in life I sometimes have clients who say to me Jordan my mother she was

an absolute Angel she never did any wrong she gave me unconditional love and at that moment I always know how I bet they are hiding something I bet they're a little bit inflated in terms of the mother archetype and I start doing a bit of gentle compassionate inquiry and I find out that yes she was like that between the ages of s and 8 when something was happening based on a school move for example based on a divorce in the family there's a particular bonding moment and they remember that particularly beautiful version of their mother

but they've lost sight of what happened in those first seven years and what happened in the next 10 years and you never have a single mother this is something that we really are blind to even in our adult lives you may have had a particularly beautiful image of her when she was seven because she responded to a certain condition paradoxically this could be blindness in itself because you could be fixated on that life saving vision of yes I do indeed have a wonderful mother and you're intentionally blinded or subconsciously blinded whichever one you want to

go with to the rest of the negative energy which was simply unpalatable likewise you could have a particularly negative image of your mother maybe there was a divorce in the family when you were 14 and she was the bad one and you sided with your father so of course that's your lasting image of your mother she was the one who had the affair she was the one who stole the money she was the one who ran away and quit on the family it was all her fault and you ignored the first 14 years of mothering

where she was actually a good enough mother she was very warm she was very consistent there was something going on in the parents' lives and it didn't work out and there was a moment of rupture and she didn't make the best calls at that time but you fixate on that negative image and you've lost sight of the 4 18 years of development and that could still be haunting you in your image of who she is as a 30 40 or 50 year old she's not that woman anymore and she wasn't even that woman all the

way through just pay attention to the wider timeline and a few guiding questions I could give you is just look at the various ages of the inner child archetype and who your mother was at those various ages if you haven't seen my video on inner child healing go back on the channel you'll see it's a mega video and there's a lot of information in there I think it's the most philosophically robust inner child healing video on YouTube or at least one of them because we go into it from a whole different angle um go look

at that video but fundamentally you've gone inner child as a baby inner child as a toddler inner child as a small child as a big child and as a teenager five rough developmental ages and there's a different mother for every stage and there's a different mother also in response to the gender of their child think about it if you have a brother or sister who's the opposite gender of you was she a different mother to that opposite gender sibling probably that's just a bias that we naturally fall into and to somee ree there's a necessary

involvement where a mother must be a different type of mother to her 10-year-old daughter versus her 10-year-old son to her 5-year-old daughter versus her 5-year-old so not so much at the early ages but definitely later on age 15 how do you be a mother to a 15-year-old boy how do you be a mother to a 15-year-old girl it depends on the temperament of the child it depends on the gender of the child to some degree based on certain conditions again masculine psychology once a boy goes into adolescence he makes a shift away from the world

of the mother and this is lifegiving he needs to be close to the father but daughters have a different story it's why you see many adult women who still have close relationships with their mothers if their mother was good enough they stay in proximity they call way more than adult sons will because of something about being of the same flesh many many nuances to go into but just pay attention to the Dynamics in the family of how your mother was not only across these different stages of your childhood and give her a bit of Grace

see how she may have been yes initially on those questions she was way too hot way too close and way too intense or maybe she was all the way on the other end of the spectrum just challenge that be honest with yourself was she like that all the way through initial answer might be yes she was abusive she was way too intense or she was no she was always absent she was always neglectful is that true I'm I'm asking this in service of your inner work a more honest and advanced level if your mother was

generally neglectful and you can't remember a single me meaningful conversation with her what if you sit for 5 minutes and try and remember try and remember one conversation likewise if she was way too intense and way too angry was her moment where she was genuinely chill genuinely loving and she was a calming presence this is honest inner work it would be very very very surprising if for 18 years of your development your mother was just a single mother because she had changes in her life depending on when she had you depending on what was going

on in her romantic relationship or romantic relationships if there was a divorce or something else happened many many different mothers there's not just one mother so change your perception and you'll get new avenues of exploration in your inner work if you want two books to continue to inspire you in addition to this one I showed you earlier you can read some Marian Woodman she's a fantastic youngian psychologist this is just one of her books addiction to Perfection this talks a lot about the relationship between mothers and daughters but even male readers like myself will get

a lot of insight as long as you go through with the anecdotes and you think hm yeah although I might not be a woman I can understand how a mother would respond that way and oh there's an insight into why my mother was way she was this is going to give you a lot of understanding of the mother archetype and if you want a broad spectrum contact with femininity overall as an energetic structure read this essay collection to be a woman you can see all the contributors on the front this is dozens and dozens of

incredible teachers the majority of them female teachers great esteemed female Scholars they're reflecting on personal stories and heroic mythical archetypal stories and weaving them together so that you can have a better understanding for women this is where we make it a practical conclusion if you understand that your mother was a literal mother yes of course but then you understand that you have a remembered image of your mother as the approximate mother of your childhood and you don't truly know because you haven't challenged that perception and you're willing to challenge the perception you enter into a

new realm of possibility and this has major major major implications for your relationships with women in your adult life romantically in terms of friendship and in terms of connections with family members older family members parallel family members and your own daughters if you can heal your relationship with the feminine by healing the mother wound that initial impression of femininity which matters so much especially to the young child especially those first four or five years you'll get a new realm of possibility you won't be caught up in projections and this is one that maybe men especially

suffer with projections around romantic femininity being something which is all loving and all adoring and it's kind of the princess fantasy of who the ideal partner might be it could be a compensation for the mothering That Never Was if you had a mother that wasn't available or she was too cold she was too much she was too something or another she wasn't enough you might try and rescue yourself at an unconscious level by bonding to a woman who's nothing like your mother or maybe you had a beautiful mother who was very very loving and this

is a classic a man marry is his mother well he does marry his mother if his mother had a good feminine energy because why wouldn't he it's not about her as a mother it's the energy of women of mothers as a whole the archetypal energy of the good mother and if he's going to build a family he obviously is looking out for someone who has a good mother archetype to look after his children that's how they're going to build a family together most of the people unfortunately on my channel we didn't have the best Impressions

from both parents consistently so there's usually Gap and some kind of unraveling that needs to take place we haven't got a simple blueprint but men in the dating life they fall into these situations over and over again I see it in my client work they'll try and run away from their mother or they'll run towards their mother in their imagination or at the very least they're estranged from the feminine within themsel and they're estranged from the feminine in a platonic friendship sense or in the sense of their colleagues or their employees they don't know how

to relate to women because they don't know how to relate to women they relate via projection they relate via a c board cut out of femininity and then they're surprised when the relationship isn't going too well you need depth in your understanding but also women who aren't looking at their mother wound from a romantic context you're looking at it from a sister wound context how you relate to your mother as a child is how you relate to all women because she's a major woman in your life maybe you had a grandparent maybe you had an

aunt but simply speaking she's a major woman in your life if that was safe it's quite likely that you'll have good female friendships or you've earned that through hard effort through unraveling things in your teenage years and maybe working through some of the old stuck patterns if you're still struggling with female to female friendships know that that doesn't need to be Destiny some of the women that I work with they say that they've always bonded better with men and maybe one of the reasons they choose to work with me as a male therapeutic figure is

that they feel they can trust a man more and they feel like they've been betrayed or backstabbed or otherwise taken advantage of by the feminine and in every single instance it's not the feminine it's their mother and then when we heal the mother wound suddenly or over a course of a few weeks it's really interesting to watch these women these incredible female clients develop closer relationships with other women in their environment almost as a natural spontaneous arising the woman at the office who was kind of nice but you never got close to them after healing

the mother wound or getting 80% of the way there suddenly you're going out to a cafe together and you realize wow it's nice to have female friends that kind of thing starts to happen so if that's a motivation just two examples of why do this work why read the books I've held up especially if you're man you might think why do I want to read about femininity well if you're still hooked on adult distractions and you're trying to build a life with someone who matters to you and you want to be in contact with women

in a healthy mature sense don't Outsource your thinking and if you're a woman who wants to build sustainable relationship to other women and also fundamentally to yourself as a woman again look back at the Primal pattern you have three metrics to focus on how hot how close how intense and if you want the next level in a work apply those same principles to your inner feminine this is particularly Rich work that I won't go into in too much dep but particularly Rich Work For Men when they're dealing with their inner feminine what is the nature

or the essence of my feminine within is she warm is she cold is she close is she distant how intense how does that match my anima projections how does that match my romantic f anes same principle and if you want to see that same principle again in regards to the father wound how a woman can see her in a masculine or her relationship to male romantic Partners or male romantic friends or men with their brother wound getting Brotherhood and getting proper connections and join me over on the complimentary video to this one where we're looking

at the father when we're doing the same framework twice over so that you remember it but there's going to be different examples and different specifics you won't want to miss it it's right over here I'll see you over there let's heal the father wounded together