Ada for grounding my stepdaughter over her prank. Posted by you/h hot pepper throwaway. I 29F married my stepdaughter's 17F father M 3 years ago.

Ever since day one, I've struggled to connect with her. She's always been the only girl in her father's life as her mother passed away when she was young. Needless to say, she had a hard time when her father got a girlfriend and then a new wife.

I've tried where I could, but for the past 5 years total of our relationship, I've been subjected to a lot of anger and disrespect, and she gets even more resentful if her father takes my side. I tried to find a fun bonding activity under my husband's request. And so this morning, I took her to a specialty hot sauce store because she loves spicy food and pretends to be some expert.

I hate spicy food and I have cracks in my tongue, but I figured she could mostly enjoy this herself and I would watch her taste. We each picked a sauce for tasting. She said mine was terrible because it was the most mild they had and it was too sweet.

She even laughed at me for being a baby. She then tasted hers and seemed absolutely unaffected. She said she picked one that wasn't spicy at all and that it had really good flavors in it.

After a lot of pressuring from her, particularly about how I was supposed to be bonding with her, I made the mistake and tried it. Turns out the sauce had the spiciest pepper, Carolina Reaper, in it and was one of the spiciest available for tasting. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die.

She laughed at me while the clerk in the store brought me something to help with the pain. It was absolutely terrible. He said he himself couldn't believe that my stepdaughter found this sauce not spicy and she must be faking.

When we were back in the car, I told her on the spot she had no phone, TV, or computer for anything not school rellated for the next two weeks because she clearly did this to hurt me. She screamed at me in the car about how I'm not her mother, I was gaslighting and villainizing her, and that she wished I wasn't in her life. I told her that if she thought I didn't have the authority to parent her, then fine, I'll just let her father punish her.

She started the waterworks as soon as she entered the house. And surprisingly, my husband flipped on me, saying that my expectations of Spicy were unrealistic and that I couldn't prove that she really did it on purpose. Even when I took her electronics, my husband gave them back to her, telling me that I'm harsh and unfair.

Her daughter made several snide remarks, which he usually stops. But this time, he said she was justified. I told him that in this case, he was justified sleeping on the couch tonight.

Am I the jerk for grounding my stepdaughter over her prank? Top/relevant comments. Commenter, I'm debating between everyone sucks here and you're the jerk.

Maybe she genuinely thought it wasn't spicy and didn't know how you'd react. It's hard to say, but her laughing at your reaction was inappropriate, but also she's 17. You said that you grounded her because she clearly did this to hurt me, but there's no evidence of that.

Again, she could have genuinely thought it wasn't spicy, but you just assumed she was being malicious. So instead of talking to her about it, you immediately grounded her. My final verdict is you're the jerk.

You punished your stepdaughter without due process. You should have been the adult and talked to her instead of treating her like a child. Commenter two, not the jerk.

And you and your husband need to work on being a teen before this divide grows. Him dismantling your punishment and undermining your authority is a huge problem. He's a jerk and so is your stepdaughter who obviously knew what she was doing in the spicy store.

Commenter three, you are the jerk and your husband is too for having you ground her for any reason at all. My son has a stepfather and although he loves my son as his own and vice versa, it is my place to do the grounding. It makes sense why you have a bad relationship and you are definitely making it worse, not better.

My husband, of course, will step in if my son melts off or something, but the overall punishments and grounding definitely should not be your place. Where is your husband and why is he letting you be in charge of punishing his kid? If you want a better relationship with your stepchild, especially one that's almost of age and not that much younger than you, I would tone down control and tone up the friendship.

I would hate you too if I was a teenager and some chick a decade older than me showed up and started grounding me for God's sake. Take it down a notch. Ops response: Usually, I let my husband deal with it when she mouths off or shows disrespect, but in this instance, she went out of her way to physically harm me.

That's sociopathic behavior. Commenter four, you are the jerk and part of me thinks you made up details of this story. You obviously have your own not so positive thoughts just based on some comments you made in the post.

Also, it doesn't sound like her father gave you any authority whatsoever to punish her or take her stuff away. Ops response, she went out of her way to physically harm me. Who knows what she do next if she's starting this?

Commenter 5: Why on earth did you decide to bond with her over something that you can't stand to the point of actual pain? This would have never happened had the bonding place been well selected and you're the one who made that call, not her. Ops response.

Husband's idea. He said I could just go and watch. I feel set up by him and her.

Commenter six. Not the jerk. But why are you still there?

Obviously, it'll never get better. And since she decided to pull a prank she knew could hurt you and she knew her dad would take her side, why stay? You'll never be respected by either of them.

It sounds response. He normally does take my side, but for some reason this time he was really angry. Editors note, updates 1 to six were edited into the main post, so it is unknown how much time elapsed between each update.

Update: husband came into the room and said he wanted to discuss with me. He looked guilty, and I thought it was for the yelling. Sure enough, he and stepdaughter thought it would be a fun prank and just believed I was being a baby over the spice.

He then saw how angry I was with his daughter and got mad because she wasn't all to blame, but decided to just invalidate me rather than just come clean and tell the truth. It backfired big time. He did apologize, but I'm just so hurt.

I'm now at a friend's house. I'm still shaking. I'm so mad.

To specify, my husband had a large part in this. He actually is the one who gave me the idea of the store, obviously, and gave me a huge lecture about how I should just go and let her have fun and just try the least spicy. He said he thought that if I could laugh at myself a bit, his daughter would bond with me.

I feel so angry and betrayed. I've come to realize that maybe he's a larger portion of the problem than the stepdaughter. He's blowing up my phone now, non-apologizing by claiming he didn't realize I'd get so emotional over it.

I think they've won. Second update. He's now magically gone 180.

I finally sent him a text saying that I was not coming home for a couple of days. I felt manipulated by both of them. I'd been guilt tripped into this activity and did not think I could handle being in a relationship where this is going on.

He then said, "I crap you not. " That his daughter misled him into thinking this was a good thing for bonding and that he'd reinstate her punishment if I came home. Honestly, I'm disgusted by that.

I'm still certain stepdaughter has her own issues with me, but I cannot believe he's so quick to use his child as a bartering chip for our marriage. It makes me think that he knew we wouldn't get along even if he assured me it would get better and that he's really orchestrating a lot of the chaos in my life. I made sure he knew how grossly unappealing that was.

I also sent stepdaughter a text telling her that I was sorry for reacting harshly, but I thought it was all on her and that was wrong. I also apologized for her being in the middle of this, but I still said that I was hurt by her part in it because at the least I've always wanted a friendly relationship with her. I was left on red and don't intend on contacting her again.

I just feel bad because I don't know how many other times she's been weaponized by her father. Third update. I'm having a spa day with my friend tomorrow, staying at her house now, and then after I'm contacting a divorce lawyer.

What he's doing is anytime we get in an argument, he's giving stepdaughter ideas to make my life hell. He pretends to be calm and okay to my face, but then he finds a way to get me back. I'm over this.

I'll also be taking my things tomorrow, but I'll make sure I'm accompanied by a male friend so that I feel safe. Fourth update. I received a text back from stepdaughter this morning asking me to come home.

She says I've abandoned her and her father and that her late mother would never have done that. So now the kid who's been trying to get me out of the house resents me for leaving. I'm like 90% sure that my husband found out I sent stepdaughter a text and is texting me as her.

Needless to say, his panic over my leaving for a couple of days has been overwhelming and eye opening. I've contacted a divorce lawyer already over email and hope to be calling later today. For now, I got to run to the spa.

Also, a huge thank you to you/merbot 5 who took the time out of their day of trolling important subs like our/ Kanye and our/fight porn to call me a little and ass in DMs. I'm sorry you're afraid of the mods, Merbot. Transcription of DMs from you/merbut 5.

I hope you get a divorce so your husband and stepdaughter don't have to deal with your BTCHS anymore. I can't imagine being such a little You're pathetic. End of transcription.

Fifth update. Wow, this has blown up. I have an update here.

Stepdaughter actually, sure enough, was not sending me those texts. I took a small spa session, spoke with a divorce lawyer on the phone, appointment tomorrow, and then went back to the house with a couple of girlfriends and a guy friend. Thank God I did because he was trying to force me to stay.

He even called the police on me and my friends. We explained what was going on and of course we were fine. I also spoke to stepdaughter.

She was mad, of course, but because I apparently told her father that if he took her phone and laptop, I'd come home. My husband was away for a moment. So, I finally just went ahead and showed her the texts I got from her, which were sent after she had her punishment reinstated.

She was freaked out to say the least and told me she hadn't even read the text I sent her. I took the chance to ask her about the car. Sure enough, my husband told her she could use it for the weekend and then she was told that I changed my mind during her weekend and then wanted her grounded for not driving it back immediately.

I started crying again. I cannot tell you how terrified I was in that moment. I did take the chance to apologize to her in person and tell her that I didn't know any of this was going on and that I'm not going to pretend we've had a bond at all or even a real chance, but that she doesn't deserve any of this.

She cried too and told me some other details of the night before and that this also wasn't the first relationship that ended similarly, but now she's realizing why and in 4 months when she's 18, she's going to be gone. I let her know that if she needs some help getting on her feet and out of this situation, let me know. It wouldn't be as a steparent, just as some help.

I also told her what I told my husband. I'm leaving for good and I'm filing for divorce. I'm worth way too much to deal with this.

Do I feel bad for stepdaughter? Yes, but there's nothing I can do about it, unfortunately. At least until she's an adult.

Also, thank you for these awards. This is a throwaway. Please don't spend money on me.

Sixth update. I'm out staying with a girlfriend now. I'm still shaken up, but I feel so relieved.

I feel like a major stress is gone in my life. It'll take a while to get the divorce through, but we have a police report now in which I explained to the police what was going on since my husband called them. I now have proof.

Also, you/merbut 5 is still looking to argue and be nasty. He's informed me here that he's had a ton of fun talking with you guys, and clearly he's lonely. So, thank you to the five losers who have kept him company for me, and also for everyone's love and support.

It means so much to me. Transcription of DMs from you/ba 5 mau. Where did you post this?

I've gotten like five losers try to come to your defense in my DMs. NBM, I found it. Thanks for posting that.

A lot of fun DMs came out of it. End of transcription. Editors note.

I checked you/merbut 5's account and it has since been banned by Reddit.