Sick Mom made a new friend at her senior complex who called herself Annie and wanted to manage Mom's medications. I set up cameras and caught her doing this to my mom. My 40-year-old elderly mom (70) has been ill for quite some time and is on hospice.
She was living in an independent living place where it was all elderly people in apartment-type units. She has been living there for about six or seven months and made a few casual friends but mostly kept to herself. A couple of weeks ago, my boys and I were visiting my mom; we live right down the street and visit often, when a woman walked up to us with my mom.
I extended my hand to introduce myself to this woman when she dismissed the handshake and instead went in for a hug and said, “Oh, I only do hugs for family, and we’re pretty much family. ” Okay, a little weird coming from someone I’ve never met before and also never even heard a single mention of her, but I pretty much brushed it off, thinking to myself that she’s probably just really lonely or something. I asked my mom about this new friend, and she just said that they met there at the old people place and that she’s been a really good friend to her.
Great! I love when my mom has friends; it’s important to have friends. But this woman just keeps giving me weird vibes, and I can’t pinpoint why.
A few things seem off to me: 1. My mom is moving to a more traditional apartment complex this weekend, and this new friend liked the new apartment complex so much that she decided to move to the same place as well. Her apartment isn’t ready yet, but she’ll be moving to the same complex as my mom next month.
2. She apparently bought my mom’s “World’s Best Auntie” sweatshirt for Christmas. They had known each other for maybe two months at that point.
3. She called the other day too; I don’t really know why. I guess to give me her phone number and more formally introduce herself to me.
She talked about doing a lot of caretaking stuff for my mom, saying, “Oh, I can manage her medications for her if you want. ” So I replied that while I appreciate the offer, there are a lot of controlled medications, and hospice prefers to keep minimal people involved in the medicine stuff. I mentioned that taking on caretaking responsibilities for a friend can get exhausting, so it might be best for them to just focus on being friends rather than her wearing herself out trying to take care of her.
She immediately went to my mom and made it sound like I was shit-talking my own mom, saying how she’s just an exhausting person, blah blah. When I confronted the new friend about going to my mom and relaying our private conversation in a totally twisted way, the friend lied and said that my mom had grabbed her phone and read it all in the text messages. It was over the phone and not at all via text messages.
When I pointed out there were no texts, she just kind of stumbled, and I dropped it because I knew it wouldn’t get anywhere. 4. Every time I talk to my mom on the phone, I can hear this woman telling her what to say or adding comments in.
None of it is outright worrisome, but it feels like I can’t have any conversation with just my mom. I am a very trusting person who generally tries to see the best in people, and this woman has not given me any concrete reasons to doubt her intentions and has, in fact, been very friendly and polite to me in all of our interactions. Nonetheless, I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something wrong here.
I sat my mom down yesterday and had a conversation with her about my feelings towards this new friend. She didn’t get defensive at all but disagreed with me and said that her new friend is just being kind and offering to help with stuff because she knows my mom is not the most organized of people and could use the help. I begged my mom to please be cautious and to take the friendship slow and to keep it simply as a friendship and let me, her actual family, handle caretaking stuff.
Despite no changes in medications, my mom has been more confused lately and comes across to me like she’s overtaking medication, but I only give her one dose at a time, and the rest is locked up at all times, so it isn’t that. But just to be safe, since she’s more confused lately, I took my mom’s credit and debit cards so no one can take advantage of her financially. Reddit, please help me figure out what this woman would have to gain in coming between my mom and me.
If it isn’t medication or money, I don’t know how to do a background search or if that’s legal for any random person to do, but I did look this new friend up on a couple of websites, and all I learned from that is that she has a lot of “also known as” names, but I can’t find anything else. I’ll pay for a background search if anyone has a recommendation for good ones; we’re in California. Does any of this raise any red flags to anyone else, or am I just being too overprotective of my mom on this?
Oh, I almost forgot: I called one of my mom’s oldest and closest friends the other day and asked her if she’s met this new friend and, if so, what was her impression. She said, “Honestly, I don’t know why I feel like this, but I just get a bad vibe. " Feeling about her: I just feel like she's up to no good.
Hearing this made me feel better in that I'm not the only one to pick up on something, but I don't know what, if anything, to do about it all. Update 1: Thank you so much for all of the responses and heartfelt advice. I'm so sorry to have been MIA for so long after I originally posted, but it's just been a lot.
I needed to take a beat to take it all in and deal with the punches from real life that kept coming my way. Immediately after I posted, I went to talk with my mom. I explained my concerns, and she agreed to the two cameras I put up in her apartment.
On moving day, I was out of the apartment for a few minutes, taking my kids back to my house when I logged onto the camera app to test out the settings. I overheard my mom and a friend talking about me. It was not very nice and very much seemed like the friend was just teeing things up to come between my mom and me; my mom was playing right into it.
The friend—I’ll just call her Fran to make it easier—was gone when I got back to the apartment, but I got into it with my mom. I was crying, telling her how hurtful it is to hear my own mother participating in a negative conversation about me after everything I do and have done for her. She cried; I cried.
It was awful, but at the end, I had at least convinced her that Fran was up to no good. Mom agreed to create some distance between her and Fran, and she immediately told Fran that her behavior towards me was not going to fly any longer and that all talk of anything to do with me was off-limits. Fran seemed to understand and blamed her behavior towards me on some flimsy excuse that I didn't buy for a second.
All was calm for a week or so when one morning I called my mom to check in on her, only to find out she was with Fran, out running errands. When I pushed for more information, I uncovered that Fran had taken my mom to the bank so that my mom could obtain a new debit card. Fran very much knew I had taken my mom's debit card, with my mom's blessing, because my mom was having episodes of increased confusion and wasn't aware of who or what she was spending money on.
Because my mom had forgotten she had given me her previous debit card, that was the final straw for me. That night, I sent Fran the following text message: "Hi Fran, Mom told me about you guys going to the bank today to get a card, and I just wanted to let you know that I know. I know my mom appreciates your friendship, but that I do not appreciate your getting yourself involved in things you have no business being involved in.
Mom and I have her finances under control between the two of us, and we do not need any assistance getting her squared away, no matter how well-meaning. She's asked me to take her card again, the new one, and has put me as the main account holder, so I can be sure she has access to what she needs, but that no one else does. I want to believe you're coming from a sincere place of just wanting to help my mom, but it complicates friendships greatly when you get into financial territory.
I handle all of my mom's finances and medical stuff, and it's working for us that way. My mom very much appreciates having you as her friend, but she doesn't need a caretaker; I've got that covered. If you sincerely want to be her friend, you need to take ten giant steps back and check yourself regarding how you are coming across to me because, from my perspective, it very much looks like you are dancing precariously close to the elder abuse line, and I'm sure you wouldn't want me to get the authorities involved here, but that's exactly what will happen if things continue down this path.
" Fran responded with some BS reply akin to, "Oh my word, I would never take advantage of anyone, and I just wanted to help your mom," blah blah blah. "Oh, and I think you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot, daughter, which is my fault, but I'd like to start over again," more blah blah blah. I never replied to Fran further, and she has shockingly not really reached out to my mom since.
I believe she is due to move into the apartment complex this weekend, though, so we shall see if she pops back up out of the woodwork. I think she understands that I see through her attempts to come between my mom and me and that she'll need to focus her efforts to scam people somewhere else. I notified my mom's hospice nurses and her social worker as well.
I also bought a really super cool medication dispenser. I won't name it because I'm not plugging anything, but feel free to reach out to me if anyone has family members that they need some help managing medications for. It's expensive and probably cost-prohibitive for a lot of folks, but it has been a game-changer for me to keep my mom's medicine safe and organized.
That is locked and syncs up to an app, so I get notified every time it dispenses a medication. That made me feel much better about Fran not having any access whatsoever to my mom's prescriptions, but the trip to the bank showed me exactly what Fran was after. I notified the bank that if Fran is with my mom, they are to.
. . Contact me immediately.
All in all, I think most of you were correct: Fran was using my mom for money, or she was trying to, but luckily I caught it before much damage was done. I think I've made my position on Fran clear to her, which is why she is staying away. I still need to contact the independent living facility about my concerns with Fran, because I swear I'm not making this up.
My mom says that Fran is going to be working at the independent living facility after she moves out, and I don't want her to be in a position to take advantage of anyone else. Thank you again to everyone who replied and reached out to me with resources and/or advice. I read every reply, and I actually read a number of them to my mom as well; it really helped her to see Fran for who she really is.
Update: 2 Sep 2024. Thank you to those who keep checking in with me, asking how my mom is doing and if there are any updates. My mom is still on hospice and doing okay, all things considered.
She has her good and her bad days, but she has been mostly lucid lately, and I'm grateful for that. Fran has been mostly mia, thank goodness. Ever since I told her in no uncertain terms to beat it, the only time I have heard from her since was when my mom's phone wasn't working, and Fran called me and left a message wanting to know if my mom was okay.
I left her on read, so that told me that my mom hasn't cut her out completely, although she tells me she has. With my mom's blessing, I've taken control of any avenue Fran could possibly use to take advantage of my mother. I alerted the hospice nurses and social worker, and I let Fran know that I had done that as well.
My mom also finally made some better friends who live nearby, and they also help keep an eye on her for me. I did not go to the police, as I didn't feel I had a case to do so, but I did let Fran know I wouldn't hesitate to do so if given reason. If Fran comes back around my mom or gives me any reason to think something is up, I'll update you all to let you know; but as of now, my mom is safe.
I handle all her medication as well as her finances, so no one can weasel their way in to try to take anything at all away from my mom. Thank you to everyone for your care and concern. Comments where OP has replied: snoo suggestions 8483.
They want her pills. OP: I thought the same thing, which is why I locked them up tight. My mom agreed to a camera right over her dispenser so we can keep an eye on her medications at all times.
The machine I got her is pretty cool too and alerts me via text if the machine door is ever opened—not that it could be, because it has a passcode on it that even my mom doesn't know. So there's lots of safeguards in place to ensure no one gets into any of her stuff at all. Next story: Dad refused to give his blessing and handed my fiancé two rejections, then cut contact.
Now he says he'll only come to my wedding if I don't let my stepdad walk me down the aisle. I'm 23F, and I got engaged a few months ago to my fiancé, 21M. We're over the moon, but my dad refused to give his blessing, and now he's not only boycotting my wedding, but also cutting off all contact with me.
The worst part? He's taking his whole side of the family with him. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the bad guy here.
Let me explain: I've never been super close with my dad. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I barely remember them being together. My mom remarried when I was four, and my stepdad has been a solid father figure ever since.
My mom had 80% custody, so I grew up mostly with her, my stepdad, and my brother. We all got along great. As for my dad, we had a decent relationship, but it wasn't deep.
He lived two minutes away from my mom's house, and I saw him once a week and every other weekend. When I turned 18, I stopped visiting as much, but we'd still have dinner together occasionally—maybe once or twice a month. The issue?
My fiancé (let's call him Arch) and I started dating when I was 22 and he was 20. We met at a youth group and quickly became best friends. I know it seems fast to some, but when you know, you know.
I can't imagine my life without him. Before proposing, Arch wanted to ask for blessings from both my mom and stepdad, as well as my dad. My mom and stepdad were thrilled and gave their blessings immediately.
My dad, however, wasn't as cooperative. He dodged Arch for weeks, despite being retired and having plenty of free time. When they finally met, my dad came prepared with two printed letters—one for Arch and one for me—stating that he would not give his blessing.
He didn't even let Arch ask the question before handing over the letters. He also scoffed at the fact that Arch asked for my stepdad's blessing, calling it ridiculous. Arch defended my stepdad, but the damage was done.
He came home upset, and after some prying, he told me what happened. I was hurt and felt disrespected, especially with how he dismissed my stepdad's role in my life. After cooling off for a few days, I met my dad at a park to talk things out.
It didn't go. . .
Well, my dad told me he wasn't coming to the wedding, and neither was his side of the family. I asked him directly, "If I get engaged, you won't come to the wedding? " He flat-out said no.
I then asked, "If I go through with this, are you saying you want nothing to do with me? " His response: "No sweat off my back. " That's when I lost my composure.
I was holding it together until that point, but his indifference hurt me deeply. He insisted we needed to wait two more years to get engaged, and maybe then he'd reconsider. He ended the conversation by saying he wouldn't pay for the wedding or be involved in any way.
A few days later, Arch proposed. It was perfect. Our families, minus my dad and his fiancée, were there, and it was a magical night.
We posted about it on social media, and while we were showered with congratulations from friends and family, there was complete radio silence from my dad's side. I started second-guessing myself. Maybe I had been too hasty; maybe I was in the wrong.
So, I reached out to him. I texted a heartfelt message telling him I wanted him at my wedding, that he's my dad, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. His response?
He asked for my email. Confused, I gave it to him. A few hours later, I received a long, emotionally charged email.
He accused me of disrespecting him and ruining what should have been a special time between a father and daughter. He said Arch and I were responsible for the destruction of our relationship and that it would take enormous effort to repair things. His final words were, "But you got exactly what you wanted.
" My mom, stepdad, and Arch's family are all supporting us. My mom and stepdad have offered to pay for the wedding since my dad backed out. Wedding planning has been fun, but this whole situation has me questioning whether I really am in the wrong.
So, Reddit, Am I the Asshole for moving forward with my engagement and wedding plans despite my dad not giving his blessing? Edit 1: I am editing because there have been a few comments regarding this. Money is not an issue for him or his side of the family, so the waiting two years has nothing to do with saving, and he is not trying to get out of paying for the wedding.
He is retired and has been for quite some time. Edit 2: I can't reply to all the comments mentioning this, so I will write it here. I wanted my fiancé to ask my parents out of respect.
I guess I always thought it was a sweet gesture, but we viewed it as a way to include them in this next stage of life rather than viewing it as asking permission for him to marry me. I'm not sure how to properly articulate it, though. Sorry.
And as for my mom and his relationship, they were always very civil, and I'd go as far as to say they were friends my whole life. There were never any fights in front of me and my brother, at least, and my mom and stepdad would invite him and his fiancée to parties we would have. I'm not 100% sure of the reason for their divorce, though I can speculate; it just wasn't something we talked about.
I will add that they chose the custody themselves and did not have a court battle, as I've seen a few comments say. There was never a fight for custody; he chose to move out and live two minutes away. My mom did not want his money; that was also never a fight.
She just wanted to spend Christmas with us and stay in the house. Regarding comments where OP has replied: Did your mother and father marry young? OOP: Not super young, no, but they did marry pretty fast.
However, my mom remarried her now-husband after 11 months, and they've been together since I was four. I did bring this up to him during our long talk to see if that was his reasoning, and he said it's not really about that. OOP on if her father's fiancée might be the reason for the disagreement: OOP: It's possible, but I'm not sure why.
Her and I had a great relationship before all of this—not super close, but I always looked forward to seeing one another. I have not heard from her since any of this. OOP on what the possible problem was that her father was not sharing with her: OOP: I ask myself the same.
I think part of it is that he asked my stepdad and mom for their blessing first, and I think he thinks we're too young. I have talked to my fiancé, my mom, his parents, and some people in our lives who would be considered mentors to us. We do couples counseling to ensure we are making the right decisions, and it helps us to have a healthy marriage and relationship.
Has OOP been closer to her father? OOP: Well, yes. We're not close, but I have always respected and valued him as my father, so I've always wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle and have a father-daughter dance with both of them.
I am more confused with his response to all of this. Update (September 28, 2024): This whole thing went down about four months ago, and I hadn't spoken to my dad since until a few days ago. He texted me, which I didn't notice right away since I've had his notifications silenced.
When I finally saw it, I was walking out of work and literally dropped everything—RIP to my Celsius and the lip liner that rolled out of my bag; you will be missed. His message read: "I am texting. .
. " You know, because we need to have a conversation. I debated whether to even respond, but my peace of mind—and let's be honest, my anxiety—got the better of me.
I texted back, "I'm open to having a conversation with the intention of moving forward, not rehashing the past. " We scheduled a call for the next day. Fast forward to the call: he starts by saying he loves me and that hasn't changed.
Then, almost immediately, he switches to how upset and disappointed he is that he had to reach out first. Um, what? He then asked if we've set a wedding date.
I told him it's late next year, hoping maybe he'd changed his mind. But nope, he followed it up with, "Do you have a venue? " I said yes.
His response? "So this is happening. " Well, I'm not telling anyone in the family not to go; that's their choice.
There aren't sides. I tried to explain that there are sides because no one in the family knows my side of things. I'm not super close with that side of the family, except for my grandma, who made it clear she's on his side.
He cut me off, saying he didn't want to be on the phone long and that's all he had to say. I asked if I could ask a question before he hung up, and he agreed. So, I asked, "Do you stand by your decision not to come?
" His answer? "It depends on how I'm treated. " At this point, I'm floored.
I asked him to elaborate because I've never been disrespectful to him. Then it all came out: he feels like he deserves the title of Father of the Bride and thinks it's completely disrespectful to him if I let both him and my stepdad walk me down the aisle. He went on to double down and say that my stepdad should never have been asked because it wasn't his blessing to give, and he's my biological father.
He would only consider coming to the wedding if he's treated with the respect he deserves by having the sole title of Father of the Bride. And then the kicker: he told me that my mom needed to call him to talk about all of this. Um, okay.
Well, my mom is having none of that; she's refusing to call him, rightfully so, and is protecting her peace, as she should. If he wants to talk to her, he can pick up the phone and let her know that himself. I'm still reeling.
Originally, I was fully planning on sending him an invite, but now I don't even know what to say. The whole thing feels so messed up. My fiancé's parents are upset, and so are my mom and stepdad.
I'm honestly at a loss. I didn't expect to be giving an update this soon—or at all—but here we are. I haven't spoken to him since that call, and I'm thinking about writing a letter to him.
I want to take a few days to calm down first, though, before I decide anything. If I do send something, I'll update again. For now, this is where things stand.
