let's kick things off with president-elect Donald Trump he's not even on America's payroll yet but he's already causing chaos for free what a workaholic as you've probably heard Trump has decided that his first big policy proposal will be buying or perhaps invading Greenland it's the kind of nonsense no one should take seriously but Trump said it so I guess we're all doing this would be exciting if Greenland was part of the United States I think that the people um of Greenland should be honored this to me could be Donald Trump's Louisiana Purchase um same size
as the Louisiana Purchase in square miles Greenland strategically it makes sense because it's the it's halfway point between our country and uh the UK so it would make sense to have that for uh War purposes yes uh War purposes I'm not exactly sure what that means but I guess we should Annex any place that's halfway between us and somewhere else this is just so sad I know she's trying to be supportive but you could tell even Ansley thinks this is a bad idea and this is a lady excited to marry sha Hannity can you imagine
how exhausting it is to treat every one of Trump's dumb ideas like it's a work of art oh sweetheart what a beautiful drawing it looks like a the Louisiana Purchase I'm going to put it on the fridge but while the Pentagon draws up plans for war a war against puffins Trump is giving giving us a reminder about what his leadership looks like during times of Crisis because while everyone else is deeply concerned with what's going on in Los Angeles right now Trump is handling the tragedy like the Statesman that he is Donald Trump is now
weighing in on the horrific fires in Los Angeles County and he's laying the blame on California's Democratic governor in a social media post referring to the governor as news scum and writing he is the blame for this yeah in the midst of chaos Donald Trump is taking action by opening up the Strategic nickname reserves thank you sir although quick question for Trump do you mean new scum or news come I'm going to come got it even though we can't count on the incoming president some people are stepping up and it's always heartening to see everybody
coming out to help their neighbors and I do mean everybody an important announcement I I wonder if I could just make here on Palisades Drive if anybody has a car and they leave their car leave the keys in the car so a guy like me can move your cars and get them up there so that so that these fire trucks can get up there it's really really important um thank you thank you for talking to us live sir what's your name my name is Steve Gutenberg holy Steve Gutenberg the actor Steve Gutenberg moving abandoned cars
out of the way for firefighters that that is amazing okay and and not only that but if anyone abandons a baby he and two other men will raise it for them hi Jinx will ensue of course as great as that is to see officials are warning that now that the fire has reached Steve Gutenberg it's only two degrees from Kevin Bacon now if you're wondering why Trump isn't focused on helping Californians it's because he's focused on the people who need him most his insurrectionists Trump didn't rule out pardons for those who were charged with committing
acts of violence on January 6th 2021 are you planning to Pardon those who were charged with violent offenses well we're looking at it we'll be looking at the whole thing but I'll be making major pardons yes yeah on the one hand it's absolutely shameful that Trump would pardon these riers but you have to remember these people are his riter dies they stormed to the capital and they shat on a desk for him no one's ever shat on a desk for me not one once and I took out a Craigslist ad for him it's all about
loyalty plus he's going to need a personal Army for when he invades Greenland those puffers aren't going to pepper spray themselves plus he also wants to give Insurrection it's a little treat they must have been so disappointed when January 6 came around this year and they didn't get the chance to Riot but for anyone out there who overprepared for this year's January 6 there are still some options for you you were ready to storm the capital but then Donald Trump won the election now what do you do with all that Insurrection gear no problem you
can just repurpose all that stuff you were going to patriotically end democracy with have too many zip ties make a belt to carry your tools or create a Timeless necklace for your wife that extra pepper spray can spice up your dinner leftover stun gun now a car battery jumper use a pipe bomb as a dumbbell and instead of using that flag pole to beat cops try using it as a flag pole that horn helmet is your new coat [Music] rack but keep all that Lumber you bought to build Gallows because hanging Mike Pence is always
an option this message was brought to you by your local hardware store we don't accept returns next time we'll discuss how to get vaccines out of your body [Applause] [Music]
