I am the host of the program. Thank you for welcoming us. Thanks for coming.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US here at our headquarters in in beautiful Los Angeles, California. It is the one year anniversary of the fires one year ago today. The fires that went on to devastate Aladina and the Pacific Palisades ignited.
We remain grateful to the first responders who risked their lives to protect us, especially the firefighters who got out there. And of course, that's right. We also are grateful to the real hero, our president, Donald Trump, who turned on that giant spigot to allow all the beautiful water to flow bigly and freely from his vivid imagination to save us from the fires only two weeks after they went out.
Thank you, Mr President. It's maybe next you can turn that spigot to release the Epstein files. WE EL Presidenti is now on day five of his side job running Venezuela.
And in case you were worried that this is some kind of a brazen money grab, Chevron Don would like you to know this. He wrote, "I am pleased to announce that the interim authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 million barrels of high quality sanctioned oil to the United States of America. This oil will be sold at its market price and that money will be controlled by me.
Signed, Diddy J. Trump. This are we Oh, good.
The Don't worry. The oil money will be controlled by him. That way we know it will be spent honestly.
And I'm sure this had has nothing to do with the fact that oil companies spent almost half a billion dollars to get him elected. I'm sure if the windmill people had just asked, he would have invaded Holland instead. But Trump, and this I think is interesting, he Trump has been obsessed with Venezuela for a very long time.
And for uh an obvious reason, see if you can guess which country won the most Miss Universe titles after Trump bought that pageant in 1996. I'll give you a hint. It's not Tunisia.
No. The winner is Venezuela. Venezuela.
Venezuela and Venezuela. There you go. Trump has personally crowned not one but four Miss Universes from Venezuela.
That last one, the one he's kissing. Yeah. Her name is Alicia Machado.
She was 19 when she won. And the reason she's on an exercise bike in that photo is because she committed the only unforgivable crime in the Trump universe. She gained weight while she was Miss Universe.
She says he called her Miss Piggy. He called her Miss Housekeeper. All of which he denies, but he can't deny this.
>> When she won it, she weighed about 118 lbs. >> Too light for her. >> And actually, uh, from what I understand, a little bit heavier.
But I will say when she won the contest, I had never seen anybody more beautiful. And she's totally beautiful now. But I think come contest time, what are you talking about in terms of weight?
>> We our goal is to get her between 125 and 130. She will look 118 to you. >> That's when I knew he would one day be president of the United States.
You can see why Jeffrey Epstein liked them, right? I mean, they've got a lot of What kind of a pageant has a weighin? Is she fighting Sugar Ray Leonard?
Last night, you know, we showed a clip of Ramble Stiltskin yammering incoherently to Republicans in the House. And if you thought he sounded ridiculous in English, wait till you hear it on BBC Persia. I didn't know the Persian word for is I mentioned last night that Trump says he's considering military action to acquire Greenland if necessary by force.
Trump says we need it for national security reasons. Some Republicans are pushing back on this crazy idea and none more forcefully than Mike Johnson, the squeaker of the House. So yeah, excuse me for going this way about military action to Greenland.
>> No, I don't think that's >> No, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my hollowedout tree before the cookies burn. Thank you very much. >> He doesn't think it's appropriate to invade.
And we all know how much Trump cares about being appropriate. Trump says he would prefer to buy Greenland, but if it's not for sale, we may just take it. And the dumbest part of all of it is we've had an agreement with Greenland and Denmark since 1951 that says we could build military installations pretty much anywhere we want.
The agreement allows us to construct, install, maintain, and operate military bases across the country. We can house personnel. We can operate ships, aircraft, etc.
In other words, why would we invade the cow when we can get the ice milk for free? this business of strongarming other countries, Greenland, Venezuela is not very popular. He ran on the platform of staying out of other countries.
They specifically said, he specifically said they will not be a part of regime change. They don't want any part of that. And now that's exactly what they're doing.
And so the White House has had to call in reinforcements to convince Magaland that this is a good thing. Senator Lindsey Graham has been leading that charge. He took a break from binge watching Heated Rivalry to put on this dramatic show of support.
>> There will be regime change in Venezuela through the ballot box. But who's in charge of Venezuela? Donald J.
Trump. If you defy him, if you're one of the holdovers and you try to undercut him, what happened to Madura is going to happen to you. The dictator, the thug is in jail in New York.
Donald J. Trump, in my view, is the greatest president of all time. >> He's not going to date you, bro.
He's got a wife. Come. Who is this person?
I mean, is that is that the same weird old lady who 10 short years ago said this? >> I'm going to talk to the Trump supporters for a minute. I don't know who you are and I don't know why you like this guy.
I think what you like about him, he appears to be strong when the rest of us are weak. He's a very successful businessman. He's going to make everything great.
He's going to take all the problems of the world and put them in a box and make your life better. That's what he's selling. Here's what you're buying.
He's a race-baiting xenophobic religious bigot. >> That's right. And that's what they like about him, you know.
And now that seems to check every box on your Tinder profile, too. He Lindsey Graham, he really has fallen in love. It kind It reminds me of the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
You know, they hated each other first. Trump's Matthew McConna, Lindsay's Kate Hudson. And let me tell you, Kate is all fired up >> to the Ayatolloas.
You need to understand if you keep killing your people who are demanding a better life, Donald J. Trump is going to kill you. >> That's right.
And he won't stop killing you until he gets that Nobel Prize. What is happening? He's going to kill Maybe they're You know what?
Maybe they're trying I know what they're doing. They're trying out a new slogan. Donald J.
Trump is going to kill you. IT'S PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT? THIS THIS MANIAC, he isn't just killing people overseas.
An ICE agent today shot and killed an unarmed 37year-old woman during an ICE operation in Minneapolis. They're there under the guise of protecting us. And of course, our president weighed in with compassion.
He wrote, "I've just viewed the clip of the event which took place in Minneapolis. It is a horrible thing to watch. The woman screaming was obviously a professional agitator.
And the woman driving the car, this is the woman who was killed, was very disorderly, obstructing and resisting, who then violently, willfully, and viciously ran over the ICE officer who seems to have shot her in self-defense. Now, I saw this video. It didn't look like anybody got run over to me.
It looked to me like a woman got scared, tried to drive away, and they shot her. That'll be for the court to decide. Well, the mayor of Minneapolis, though, had this to say.
They are already trying to spin this as an action of self-defense. Having seen the video of myself, I want to tell everybody directly that is bull. This was an agent recklessly using power that resulted in somebody dying, getting killed.
And I have a message for ICE. to ice. Get the out of Minneapolis.
You know that is the shirt I want to see. Two ice. Get the out of Minneapolis.
Get the OUT OF ONE OF THESE FOR ME. NOW, in fairness, I also feel like I should mention the Trump administration did something good today. Kind of.
They did something. They did something as close to good as they can possibly do. Uh, our Secretary of Health and Human Services declared war on unhealthy processed foods.
It's shocking that our own government helped to drive these cataclysmic changes in our diet. The damage is real. It is preventable.
And President Trump has ordered it to end. He has. Are you sure he has?
Because I the Donald Trump that I know was the one who said this. >> Everyone loves something at McDonald's. There's always something to have.
I like the fish. I like it. You could do a little bit more tartar sauce someplace.
>> That's right. Just a little. Just another dollop would be wonderful.
Remember when Michelle Obama suggested we eat more vegetables or Republicans acted like she was the Baba Duke or something? Maybe he'll stop blowing up fishing boats if he tells them they're catching fillets. And then it was time for Dr Oz, who that's right, he's in our government, to unveil our new and looser guidelines for drinking alcohol.
So alcohol is a social lubricant that brings people together. In the best case scenario, I don't think you should drink alcohol, but it does allow people an excuse to bond and socialize, and there's probably nothing healthier. They're having a good time with friends in a safe way.
There is alcohol on these dietary guidelines, but the implication is don't have it for breakfast. >> Don't have it for breakfast. What do you think about that, GMO?
I don't know if you're paying attention, but Dr Oz Dr Oz said don't have it for breakfast. What do you think about that? THAT HOLD ON.
Be honest. How does that taste? >> TERRIBLE.
Our um our historically healthy president does not drink and that is definitely a good thing because he already has enough trouble staying awake. Teddy Roosevelt told the Wall Street Journal that you know those videos, many videos of him nodding off during meetings. He says he's not sleeping, he's blinking.
That's right. He has the rare ability to hold a blink for minutes at a time. And to showcase that ability, we put together this video montage of um some of the many times he most definitely wasn't falling asleep on live TV.
It's so quiet. It's all so stale. I'm so peaceful and still here.
