Thank you for watching. [cheering] Thank you for coming. Thank you for joining us here in beautiful Hollywood.
We're on uh [cheering] what is the Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Today, and I don't know if you're aware of this, GL, but today is the fifth anniversary of uh the events of January 6th.
5 years ago today, after losing what eventually judges from both sides in cities all around the country unanimously declared to be a free and fair election, Donald Trump tried to overthrow our government in a pathetic and illegal attempt to stay in the White House. There's no other way to put it. cannot look at the facts objectively and come to any conclusion other than that.
He tried to force the vice president to claim voter fraud and refused to certify Joe Biden's victory, which even his own vice president refused to do. And when Mike Pence chose the Constitution over his running mate, Trump got his supporters all riled up and sent him to the capital where they staged a violent and deadly riot which he enjoyed from the comfort of his office for hours on television until someone in his circle begged and pleaded with him to half-heartedly call them off. It was a selfish, disgraceful, tyrannical, and dangerous act.
And I think it's important I think it's very important that we do not forget that, that we don't give in to this revisionist history. Uh five years ago today, we saw proof live in front of our eyes that the American president is as unamerican as they come. So [cheering] I just wanted to [applause] mention that before I wish you all a happy January 6th.
>> Happy stormversary everybody. Now, the reason I mention is because the White House, these whitewashers, launched a page on the official White House website claiming Democrats staged the real insurrection by certifying a fraudridden election. They actually wrote this and they go on to praise Trump for pardoning all the patriotic trespassers and peaceful protesters.
You know, they commissioned an official plaque to honor the law enforcement officers who defended the capital on January 6th, but Mike Johnson, the squeaker of the house, refused to hang the plaque. Mike Pence, they were okay with hanging the plaque. No.
And not only didn't they put the plaque up, it is now missing. It's nowhere to be found. But don't worry, the plaques they hung at the White House calling Obama divisive and Biden crooked Joe, those somehow made it on the wall very safely.
And not only is today the anniversary of the insurrection, it's also the anniversary of the second biggest mistake Trump ever made. It's Eric's birthday today. Eric Trump on this date [applause] 42 years ago, Donald and Ivana Trump brought baby Eric home with strict instruction to never feed him after midnight or get him wet.
And if you're wondering whether Daddy Donald posted a birthday message for his son, he did not. But he did take time to post his Tik Tok stats. Yeah, that's right.
The president of the United States, a 79year-old man bragging about how many social media views he got. That's normal. I'm sure your grandpa does that, right?
This morning, Trump was at his newly self-named Kennedy Center where he delivered a pep talk to Republicans in the House. It was a closed door meeting, which he put on TV. So, I don't know why they closed the doors, but he covered a variety of important topics, not least of all Melania's distaste for one of his signature moves.
>> Put an eighth of an ounce on Then she's going to break the record for her mom who's sitting in the front with her father. I'm going to break her dead. My wife, by the way, my wife hates when I do this.
She hates when I dance. I said, "Everybody wants me to dance. " Darling, it's not presidential.
Could you imagine FDR dancing? She said that to me. Now, for those who, like Melania, are not students of American history, FDR was in a wheelchair.
He had polio and he was paralyzed from the waist down, which means he didn't dance much. But, nice work throwing your wife under the bus on that one. I mean, [applause] I do love learning.
I have to say, I appreciate the insight. [applause] I love learning that Melania hates it when he dances. I not just dances, by the way.
She hates it when he moves. So, the tantrum of the opera went on for 84 minutes this morning. For your sanity, we've whittleled that down.
And here are today's real moments in President. A friend of mine who's really smart said, "You know, you've got to be the most honest guy in history. I want this sign making.
The guy is great. The yellow is a beautiful shade of yellow. The fat drug doesn't work on you.
Why are you even taking it? " I have a little tiny fish this big. Bring your kids in.
We're going to change the sex of your child. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Sir, are you okay, sir? Could you call up? Yes.
I love this dog so much. Donald, uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. The answer is no.
No, no. P. Oh, yeah.
What? Whoa. Ah.
Boom. Ping bing bing. Defense.
Oh my bing. [gasps] Yeah. And [clears throat] [laughter] I wish you could uh explain to me what the hell's going on.
Oh, don't dance. Donald, [applause] I feel like [cheering] I feel like even he knows what he's saying is nuts cuz just about every time he goes off on these tangents, he makes he then makes it clear that he isn't actually scatterbrained. It's just a weave.
So, let me just finish up because you know I weave. I love to weave. If you ever weave and don't come back to the point, then that's a problem.
Then you say, "But when you weave and you go here and boom, boom, boom, always coming back. " Then you're in good shape. >> That's right.
And no one is in better shape than than he is. Congress is back in session. The first order of business for Congress is to try to avoid another government shutdown at the end of this month.
How are we already looking at another possible shutdown? The last one ended in November. Our government is running like the ice cream machine at McDonald's.
It's they've got a lot on their plate, uh, including that little Jeffrey Epstein problem. So far, the Justice Department has released 12,000 files, which sounds like a lot of files until you realize there are 2 million more. They are only6% of the way there.
If these files were Harry Potter books, we're not even at Hogwarts yet. We're still in the station. A lot of people who were appointed by Trump seem to be forgetting that the Justice Department was mandated by law to release all the files by December 19th and they just didn't.
According to the Deputy Attorney General, Todd Blanch, now this is the guy who moved Gelain Maxwell into a country club prison. So, you know, he cares about the victims. He says the reason for the delay is because the Justice Department is trying to protect sensitive information about the victims.
Um, like his boss, who's the real victim of this, honestly. And then we have something to distract us from all that. And that is the gift the president gave himself for Christmas this year.
Venezuela, the military operation to kidnap the president of Venezuela and his wife went off without a hitch. But nobody knows what's going to happen next, including Donald Trump, who is definitely making all this up as he goes along. Trump did not get approval from Congress on this, which he is supposed to do.
And so now his castrated companions in Magaland like Senator Mark Wayne Mullen of Oklahoma are working overtime to explain this and cheer him on. The >> what President Trump did is have a backbone. It's the first time we've had a real backbone to the Western Hemisphere since 1989 when we got rid of Nurgo or not Norgo.
Uh what's the word I'm looking for there? Uh >> yeah. Well, in in Panama and uh when we when we oulisted uh Noriega, that's what it is.
Noriega. >> That's right. That there you go.
You got it. Where in the world is Carmen Noriego? Surprisingly, you know, most guys named Mark Wayne are very intelligent.
So I Today we learned Trump's legion of dumb is once again gunning for Greenland. The White House is reported to be looking at a range of options to acquire Greenland, including the use of military force, which is a notion that Trump hench monster Steven Miller says isn't even worth discussing. The United States should have Greenland as part of the United States.
There's no need to even think or talk about this in the context that you're asking of a military operation. Nobody's going to fight the United States militarily over the future of Greenland. Do you think he practices that voice in the mirror?
It's I mean it's like he invented his own language. The United States should have Greenland as part of the United States. It's the man is from Santa Monica, not Transennsylvania.
This Steven Miller [applause] I this was some interview with Jake Tapper. Listen to what he does. He uses this technique.
Uh he he might be the worst one of them all. Think about this. Jake Jake.
This is such an important point. Jake. Jake.
Jake. Jake. Jake.
Jake. Jake. Jake.
Jake. You love doing that smarmy thing. Jake.
>> Yes. Jake is the smarmy one. Not you at all.
You're cool. >> Stephen Miller is said to be in line for a top role in Venezuela. But as far as which Venezuelan will run the country, that's tricky and also hilarious.
You know, this woman, Maria Machado, is the Venezuelan opposition leader. She won the Nobel Peace Prize, but Trump said she's a nice lady, but she doesn't have the respect to run the country. Two sources close to the White House told the Washington Post the real reason he doesn't support her is because she didn't give him her Nobel Prize.
According to the source, if she had turned it down and said, "I can't accept it because it's Donald Trump's. She would be the president of Venezuela today. " So, how did she react to that?
Why, she went straight to Hannity to offer it up. Did you at any point offer to give him the Nobel Peace Prize? Did that actually happen?
I had read that somewhere. I wasn't sure if it was true. >> Well, it it hasn't happened yet, but I [snorts] certainly would uh love to to be able to personally tell him that uh we believe the Venezuelan people because this is a prize of the Venezuelan people certainly want to to give it to him and share it with him.
>> Share it. He doesn't share. It is sharing.
You know, sharing is caring, and he doesn't do that either. Those are not his things. What an idea this is.
You can't just You can't give someone your Nobel Prize. You can't, as far as I know, they're non-transferable. You cannot regift them.
And can we please stop with this idea that Trump lost the Nobel Prize. This is like saying, "I lost the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. " [laughter] Okay, let me explain it.
If Jay-Z gives you his wedding ring, it doesn't make you married to Beyonce. Not only is Trump's ego bruised, his tiny little hands are bruised, too. I don't know if you've seen this.
The White House claims that he's black and blue because he shakes too many hands. So, Trump told the Wall Street Journal that he bruises easily because he takes a lot of aspirin. He claims he's been taking four times the recommended dosage of aspirin every day for the past 25 years.
At this point, his blood is even thinner than his skin. He wants it to be thin. He wants his blood he likes his blood thin and his ankles thick.
It's how he like rolls. This was a doozy of an interview, by the way. It's very personal.
The president revealed that he tried compression socks and didn't like them. Compression socks help the blood reach the brain. Otherwise, it just pools around the ankles.
He Trump is like a human tube of toothpaste at this point. You got to squeeze them in the right. He's like a balloon animal.
Man, would I like to watch him try to put on socks. you. I just want after all this man has put us through, I just want one video of him putting on socks.
Would that [applause and cheering] be too much to ask? And as [cheering] for that, you know that MRI Trump claimed to have ACE. He now says it was a CT scan.
It wasn't an MRI. And he's in perfect health. Every time he says he's in perfect health, JD Vance starts picking out furniture for the Oval Office.
And let me boy does that get him sexed up. It does. Trump might be the only one in perfect health.
We are currently in the midst of the worst flu season in decades. Experts say 11 million people had the flu over the holidays and all of them are on your return flight home. So under the guidance of our secretary of brainworms, the CDC is reducing the number of vaccines recommended for children.
They are dialing the recommendations down from 17 to 11 vaccines. President Trump weighed in on this. He wrote, "Parents can still choose to give their children all their vaccinations if they wish and they will still be covered by insurance.
" And then he went back to working with Congress to make sure no one has insurance. But you can trust Trump on this. He posted another rant about not taking Tylenol.
Once again, misspelling the word hepatitis. Hepatitis is the new It will now be referred to as hepatitis, as in show me your hepatitis, ladies. So, if you're following Trump's health guidelines, [applause] don't get all the vaccines.
Definitely don't get them all at once. Don't take Tylenol, but do take more than the recommended amount of aspirin, and do slather your hands with makeup to cover the bruises, and do take a cognitive exam every few months just for the hell of it. During this closed door meeting he had in the with the Republicans in the House today, he had he's just I don't know why I'm still surprised, but Trump's had the absolute audacity to say this.
When I travel, I make a lot of money for the country. Not for me. For me, I don't make I don't care.
It's I have a much higher purpose. I have plenty of money. I don't need money.
I don't want money. >> It's true. All a man wants is peace in the world.
He's not in it for the money. I mean, does this look like a guy who's in it for money? >> We are announcing the launch of Trump coins.
Get your Trump watch right now. I'm holding the God Bless the USA Bible. I wanted to share with you my newest book, Our Journey Together.
My new coffee table book, Letters to Trump. My new book, Save America. The World Liberty Financial Token Sale is now live.
And here it is. If you want to go out and get it, you can go out and get it. These cards show me dancing and even me holding some bitcoins.
That's the real deal. My gold Trump hightops have yet to arrive, by the way. Donald Trump doesn't want money.
It's just not what he's about. But if you have some and you want to throw it his way, maybe you might want to think about this. >> Hello everyone, it's your favorite president, Donald J.
Trump. Five years ago today, our nation suffered a horrible attack. No, not by them, by the radical Democrats inside.
Luckily, hundreds of patriots stormed the capital to stop the steel. [screaming] A historic moment I'm immortalizing forever in this beautiful January 6th 5th anniversary commemorative plate set. From podium stealing guy to Confederate flag guy to pipe bomb guy.
We love pipe bomb guy, don't we folks? He's a black. Blacks love me.
These brave men and husky women climbed so I could soar. Gone but not forgotten. I came up with the idea that very day during the three hours when I was doing nothing, watching TV.
So now you will never forget Senator Josh Hourley doing his big iconic fist bump or running for his life. Where's he going? Nobody knows.
Serve a beautiful meal on every police bumbling, vice president hanging, Nancy Pelosi desk crapping moment. These plates are guaranteed to be as sturdy as our democracy. Oops.
And every piece comes with my personal ketchup stamp of authenticity. The January 6th anniversary commemorative plate set. Order now and just like these heroes, you'll receive a full presidential pardon.
Just remember the jingle. You've got money and I want money. So send your money and I'll have money.
All your money today. Make America plate again. Don't delay.
