you stole what from the human zix nax's antenna twitched in disbelief his compound eyes widening to comical proportions K Thor looking far too pleased with himself for someone who' just committed Grand Lassen against one of the most terrifying species in the Galaxy grin well as much as a being with mandibles instead of lips could grin their coffee machine he chittered excitedly rubbing his forelimbs together can you believe it the source of their legendary energy and focus right here in our grass zix knack's exoskeleton paled you idiot he hissed glancing around nervously as if expecting a
hoorde of enraged humans to materialize at any moment do you have any idea what you've done they'll hunt us to the ends of the Galaxy for this Kor waved a dismissive appendage oh please they're just squishy bits what's the worst that could happen as if on Q the ship's alarms began to blare orning human vessel detected approach ve indicates hostile intent estimated time to intercept three Galactic standard minutes the zix Knacks fixed CRA Thor with a glare that could have melted dur a steel you just had to ask didn't you Captain Diana caffeinated Fury Rodriguez
of the Earth space force ship s Jitters was not having a good day it had started normally enough wake up stumble to the mess hall pour a cup of liquid Consciousness from the ship's prized coffee machine affectionately dubbed Old Reliable and slowly trans formed from a zombie into a functional human being except today when she'd reached for Old Reliable her hand had grasped nothing but empty air the resulting howl of Rage had sent half the crew diving for cover and the other half scrambling to Battle Stations certain they were under attack in a way they
were but the enemy wasn't some alien Armada no this was far far worse status report Diana barked striding onto the bridge with murder in her eyes and an empty mug clutched in her white knuckled grip her first officer Commander Chen looked up from his console we've tracked the thieves to a small freighter Captain they're trying to make a run for it but they've got nothing on our engines we'll overtake them in he checked the read out 2 minutes and 47 seconds Diana nodded grimly excellent weapon status all systems primed and ready maam Lieutenant Kowalski reported
from the Tactical station though uh are we sure we want to open fire over a coffee machine the look d shot him could have curdled milk at 50 Paces Lieutenant she said her voice dripping with the kind of saccharine sweetness that made everyone on the bridge instinctively want to find somewhere to hide that coffee machine has been with this crew through thick and thin its weathered ion storms survived boarding actions and once took a plasma bolt meant for IGN Martinez that's true Martinez piped up from his station Old Reliable saved my life I owe that
machine my firstborn Diana continued as if she hadn't been interrupted more importantly that coffee machine is the only thing standing between This Crew and a bunch of cranky under caffeinated humans with access to weapons that can reduce planets to Molten slag so yes Lieutenant we are absolutely prepared to open fire over a coffee machine any other questions Kowalski wisely shook his head good now let's go introduce these coffee thieving bastards to the business end of our rail guns shall we A Chorus of enthusiastic I captain s rang out across the bridge Diana allowed herself a
small predatory smile whoever these aliens were they were about to learn a very important lesson about messing with a human's coffee Supply back on the fleeing frer KRA Thor was starting to realize that perhaps just perhaps he might have made a Teensy miscalculation I thought you said they were just squishy biped znack shrieked his wings buzzing in agitation as he frantically worked the ship's control that vessel behind us is armed to the mandibles CRA Thor for his part was too busy trying not to soil himself to come up with a witty retort the sensor readings
from the approaching humans ship were concerning to say the least he'd known humans were classified as death worlders of course but surely that was just an exaggeration a bit of Galactic hyperbole the weapons lock alarm that suddenly blared through the cockpit suggested otherwise this is Captain Diana Rodriguez of of the Earth's space force a voice crackled over the comms managing to sound both utterly professional and apocalyptically pissed off at the same time you have something that belongs to us I strongly suggest you power down your engines and prepare to be boarded or we be forced
to take Extreme Measures znack shot KRA Thor look of pure Venom well what do we do now oh brilliant Mastermind KRA Thor's mind raced they were outgunned outmaneuvered and quite possibly out of their mind for having gotten into this situation in the first place but he'd be damned if he was going to give up his prize so easily will will negotiate he declared puffing out his thorax in what he hoped was a convincing display of confidence yes that's it humans love to trade right we'll offer them something in exchange for the coffee machine before zix
knacks could point out the many many flaws in this plan KRA Thor had already opened a channel to the human ship the greetings esteemed Captain Rodriguez he chirped trying to keep the terror out of his voice I believe we may have accidentally acquired something of yours a simple misunderstanding I assure you perhaps we could come to some sort of arrangement there was a long ominous pause an arrangement Captain Rodriguez repeated her voice flat enough to serve drinks on yes exactly C Thor pressed on warming to his theme you see we're but simple Traders always on
the lookout for rare and valuable items we had no idea this particular machine held such significant ific to your people but now that we know we'd be more than happy to return it for the right price of course another pause this one stretching so long that K Thor began to wonder if the connection had been lost then just as he was about to speak again Captain Rodriguez's voice returned and if he'd thought she sounded angry before it was nothing compared to the cold Fury that now radiated through every syllable let me make something very clear
she said enunciating each word as if it were a separate death sentence the the coffee machine is not for sale it is not for trade it is not a bargaining chip it is a vital piece of equipment without which this ship cannot function and you will return it immediately and unconditionally CRA Thor demonstrating the kind of judgment that had gotten him into this mess in the first place decided to push his luck come now surely everything has a price what if we were to offer you say three tons of premium grade Delian crystals the last
that erupted from the human ship's Communication channel was not the reaction CRA Thor had been hoping for it was the kind of laughter that made small children cry and hardened criminals contemplate a career changed to something less terrifying like professional shark wrestling oh that's rich Captain Rodriguez wheezed barely able to get the words out between gfur you think you actually think we trade Old Reliable for some shiny rocks listen up bug boy cuz I'm only going to say this once that coffee machine is worth more to us than your entire miserable excuse for a ship
and everyone on it combined she paused and when she spoke again all traces of humor had vanished from her voice now here's what's going to happen you're going to cut your engines open your airlocks and prepare to be boarded we'll be taking back our property along with a little compensation for our trouble resist and Will Blast you out of the sky without a second thought you have 30 seconds to comply the communication Channel cut off with a decisive click zix Knack turned to KRA Thor his compound eyes somehow managing to convey an impressive mix of
resignation Fury and utter lack of surprise well any more brilliant ideas KRA Thor opened his mandibles closed them then opened them again I don't suppose you know how to Pilot an escape pod 15 minutes later Diana stood in the cargo bay of the alien freighter cradling Old Reliable in her arms like a reunited lover around her her crew was busy acquiring compensation which mostly seemed to involve taking anything that wasn't bolted down and a few things that were I can't believe they thought we'd trade you for dilithium she murmured to the coffee machine as if
anything could replace you you beautiful caffeine dispensing Angel uh Captain IGN Martinez's voice broke through her reverent monologue you might want to see this Diana looked up to see Martinez standing next to what appeared to be a large ornate chest as she watched he flipped the lid open revealing holy Diana breathed is that Martinez noded a look of awe on his face yes ma it's tea earl gray to be precise and not just any Earl Gray This is the good stuff the kind that makes British Admirals weep with joy for a moment Diana was torn
on the one hand they'd come for Old Reliable and Old Reliable alone on the other hand well waste not want not right boded up she decided and checked the rest of the ship if these idiots were dumb enough to steal our coffee machine who knows what other Treasures they might have squirrel away as her crew scurried to obey Diana allowed herself a small satisfied smile it had been a long stressful day but in the end Justice had prevailed Old Reliable was back where it belonged they'd scored a frankly ridiculous amount of high-grade tea and best
of all they' taught these aliens a valuable lesson about the dangers of messing with a human's caffeine Supply All In All not a bad day's work meanwhile in a tiny Escape pod hurtling through the vast emptiness of space Kor and zix KNX sat in Sullen silence you know zix Knack said eventually his voice dripping with a kind of sarcasm that could strip paint at 20 Paces when I woke up this morning I didn't expect to end the day as a refugee from caffeinated human Vengeance silly me for not penciling that into my schedule K Thor
had the grace to look sheepish how was I supposed to know they'd react like that it's just a beverage dispensing device zix nax's antenna twitched in what might have been the insectoid equivalent of an eye roll oh I don't know maybe the fact that humans are known throughout the Galaxy as borderline psychotic when it comes to their stimulants or perhaps the multiple warnings in the galactic Trade Federation handbook about never ever coming between a human and their coffee I may have skined that section Kor admitted skim did six knack's voice Rose to a pitch that
would have shattered glass had there been any in the cramped confines of the Escape pod it's highlighted in red there are flashing neon signs the handbook literally screams danger danger when you open that page C Thor slumped in his seat all right all right I get it I messed up but look on the bright side at least we're still alive right as if on Q the pods communication system crackled to life attention coffee thieves Captain Rodriguez's voice filled the small space sounding entirely too cheerful for someone who had just chased them halfway across a solar
system I hope you're enjoying your cozy little Escape pod don't worry we've called the galactic Patrol to come pick you up they should be here in oh about a week CRA Thor and zicknacks exchanged horrified glances oh and one more thing Diana continued the smirk evident in her voice we've taken the the liberty of removing all the food and water from your pod after all it would be a shame if you had access to Refreshments when we don't have our coffee wouldn't it tataa the communication cut off leaving the two aliens in stunned silence zix
knacks turned to KRA Thor his compound eyes somehow managing to convey an impressive amount of loathing a week he said flatly we're going to be stuck in this Tin Can for a week with no food no water and worst of all no way to escape your company KRA Thor laughed nervously well when you put it like that it does sound pretty bad but hey at least we have each other right we could I don't know play word games to pass the time the look zicknacks gave him could have curdled milk in a different star system
okay no word gains Kor backpedal hastily how about oh I know I could tell you about this fascinating Earth beverage I've been researching it's called espresso and and apparently it's even stronger than regular coffee can you imagine as zix nax's agonized groan echoed through the Escape pod drifting out into the uncaring void of space one thing became abundantly clear it was going to be a very very long week as back on the S Jitters the mood was decidedly more upbeat the mes Hall was a buzz with chatter and laughter as the crew celebrated their successful
recovery Mission Old Reliable had been restored to its rightful place of honor and a steady stream of crew members were lining up to pay homage to their beloved caffeine dispenser Captain Diana Rodriguez sat at a table near the center of the room nursing a steaming mug of fresh coffee and basking in the glow of a job well done Commander Chen popped down in the seat across from her his own mug filled with a fragrant Earl Gray you know he said taking a sip and sighing contentedly I almost feel bad for those aliens almost Diana snorted
don't waste your sympathy Chen they knew what they were getting into the moment they laid their grubby little appendages on Old Reliable true Chen conceded still a weak in an escape pod with no supplies that's pretty harsh even by our standards Diana Shrugged unrepentant play stupid games Win stupid prizes besides it's not like we left them to Die the galactic Patrol will pick them up eventually eventually being the operative word Chen chuckled I heard you on the comms a weak her that was a nice touch a mischievous glint appeared in Diana's eyes who said anything
about a week I may have exaggerated the pickup time a little Chen's eyebrows shot up oh how long until the patrol actually reaches them Diana took a long deliberate sip of her coffee savoring both the rich flavor and the moment about 12 hours she said finally a wicked grin spreading across her face but they don't need to know that do they Chen burst out laughing Captain you are a devious devious woman I knew there was a reason we all followed you into the depths of space flattery will get you everywhere Commander Diana replied with a
wink now let's talk about what we're going to do with all that old greye liberated as the two officers began plotting the distribution of their Newfound tea wealth IGN Martinez approached their table looking slightly nervous excuse me Captain Commander he said fidgeting with the Hem of His uniform I uh I have a bit of a confession to make Diana raised an eyebrow go on N sign what's on your mind Martinez took a deep breath well you see when we were searching the alien ship I found something else something I didn't report right away because well
I wasn't sure how you'd react now both of Diana's eyebrows were raised n sign are you telling me you withheld information about potential Contraband no I mean yes but it's not what you think Martinez stammered it's just well it might be easier if I show you with that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small ornate box Diana and Chen leaned forward curiosity overriding their initial disapproval Martinez carefully opened the box revealing is that coffee Chen asked his voice filled with wonder Diana's eyes widened not just any coffee she breathed reaching out to
touch the small iridescent beans nestled in the Box this is Cosmic blend the rarest most sought after coffee in the known universe it's said to be grown on a planet that orbits three Suns harvested only once every hundred years during a perfect cosmic alignment Martinez nodded eagerly that's right Captain I recognized it from the stories My grandmother used to tell she always said that a single cup of cosmic blend could keep a person awake for a week and give them the mental Clarity of a supercomputer Diana sat back her mind racing on one hand Martinez
had technically broken protocol by not reporting this find immediately on the other hand Cosmic blend the stuff of Legends the coffee that launched a thousand trade Wars and inspired countless explorers to venture into the deepest darkest corners of space in sign she said finally her voice carefully neutral do you realize the potential consequences of your actions Martinez swallowed hard yes maam I'm prepared to accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate Diana held his gaze for a long moment then broke into a wide grin your punishment IGN Martinez is to be the first one to try this
miraculous coffee after me of course the relief on Martinez's face was palpable thank you Captain you won't regret this as Martinez scurried off to prepare the cosmic blend Chen turned to Diana with a bemused expression you know if word gets out that we have this stuff we'll have every coffee of ficado in the Galaxy knocking on our door Diana's grin turned predatory oh I'm counting on it Chen just think of the possibilities we could trade this for practically anything we want new Weapons Systems experimental warp drives maybe even our own Planet Chen chuckled always thinking
big aren't you Captain go big or go home that's my motto Diana replied her eyes gleaming with excitement and speaking of going big I think it's time we sent a little message to our friends in the Escape pod after all it would be rude not to share the good news wouldn't it back in the Escape pod Kor and zix knacks had settled into an uneasy routine of bickering sulking and occasionally threatening to jettison each other out of the airlock they were in the middle of a particularly heated debate about whose fault this whole situation was
KRA Thor's obviously but he refused to admit it when the communication system crackled to life once again greetings coffee thieves captain Rodriguez's cheerful voice filled the Pod I hope you're enjoying your little time out I just wanted to give you an update on your situation KRA Thor and zix knacks exchanged wary glances you see Diana continued we've been doing a bit of inventory on your ship and we found something rather interesting tell me did you two Geniuses even know what you had in your cargo hold there was a pause during which CRA Thor and zix
Knack looked at each other in confusion I don't know what you're talking about CRA Thor said cautiously Diana's laugh was not reassuring of course you don't well let me Enlighten you that little box of shiny beans you had stashed away that's Cosmic Blend Coffee probably the most valuable substance in the Galaxy right now zix knack's antenna shot straight up in shock Cosmic blend but that's just a myth oh it's very real Diana sh them and thanks to you we now have enough of it to buy our own solar system so I'd like to extend my
S gratitude without your bumbling attempt at thievery we never would have acquired such a treasure K Thor's mandibles worked soundlessly for a moment before he found his voice but but that's not fair if we had known if you had known you probably would have tried to Ransom it back to us for an even higher price Diana cut him off but here's the thing about dealing with humans we don't take kindly to thieves no matter what they're stealing so consider this a lesson in interstellar relations there was a muffled sound in the background and Diana's voice
became slightly distant what's that oh excellent her voice return to full volume well boys I'm afraid I have to cut this call short the first batch of cosmic blend is ready and I have a date with caffeinated Nana enjoy your stay in the Pod the communication cut off leaving CRA Thor and Zig knacks in stunned silence after a long moment zix Knack turned to C Thor his compound eyes somehow managing to convey an impressive mix of disbelief Fury and utter exasperation Cosmic blend he said flatly we had Cosmic blend on our ship and you decided
to steal a coffee machine instead K Thor's antenna drooped how was I supposed to know it just looked like a box of shiny beans zix nax's response was cut off by the sudden blaring of an alarm a computerized voice filled the Pod retention emergency protocols activated prepare for immediate cryostasis before either alien could react a fine Mist began spraying from hidden nozzles in the Pod ceiling within seconds KRA Thor and znack slumped in their seats Consciousness fading as the cryostasis took hold the last thing KRA Thor heard before succumbing to the icy Embrace of suspended
animation was zix knack's voice faint but still dripping with sarcasm well at least we won't be awake for the rest of this night back on the S Jitters Diana took her first sip of the legendary Cosmic Blend Coffee the moment the liquid touched her tongue her eyes widened in shock holy mother of caffeination she breathed staring at the cup in awe this this is everything they said it would be Chen asked eagerly his own cup poised at his lips Diana nodded slowly a beatific smile spreading across her face Chen I think we just became the
most powerful ship in the fleet no scratch that the most powerful ship in the Galaxy as the rest of the crew lined up for their Taste of liquid Enlightenment Diana's mind raced with possibilities with Cosmic blend fueling their bodies and Minds there was no limit to what they could achieve New Frontiers to explore scientific breakthroughs to make maybe even unlock the secrets of the universe itself and it was all thanks to a pair of bumbling alien thieves who didn't know the value of what they had Diana raised her Cup in a silent toast to CRA
Thor and zix knacks the unwitting benefactors of Humanity's next Great Leap Forward May their cry or sleep be peaceful and may they wake up to a Galaxy that had been transformed by the power of really really good coffee as she took another sip Diana couldn't help but chuckle the universe it seemed had a sense of humor after all and it tasted like the best damn cup of coffee she'd ever had at pelog one year later the galactic Council chamber was a buzz with excitement representatives from every known sensient species had gathered for what promised to
be a historic announcement at the center of it all stood Captain Diana Rodriguez resplendant in her dress uniform a confident smile playing on her lips members of the galactic Council she began her voice carrying easily through the vast chamber I stand before you today to present Humanity's gift to the Galaxy thanks to a fortuitous acquisition here her eyes twinkled with barely suppressed mirth we have unlocked the secrets of cultivating Cosmic Blend Coffee on a massive scale a collective gasp rippled through the assembly Yes you heard correctly Diana continued we are prepared to share this miracle
of caffeination with all peaceful species ushering in a new era of productivity creativity and really really long staff meetings as the chamber erupted in cheers and Applause Diana's gaze fell on two figures seated in the back row K Thor and zix knacks recently thored from their cryosleep and looking decidedly worse for wear stared back at her with a mixture of awe and resentment Diana raised her everpresent mug of cosmic blend in their Direction a silent acknowledgement of their unintentional role in this Galactic Paradigm Shift the two aliens slumped in their seats the weight of their
Monumental blunder finally sinking in as Diana turned back to address the council laying out Humanity's vision for a coffee fueled future one thought echoed through the minds of every being present never ever mess with with a human's coffee Supply the consequences might just change the universe
