hello boys and girls today I'd like to give you an update to test for narcissism or any cluster B personality I can give it to you inside of 15 seconds simply tell the person no you can stop watching this video if you don't like me you know I finally going on or you're not fine I mean you Twitter talk now cheerio if you are still here let's talk about why that works the cluster B personality disorder is narcissism histrionic and social personality disorder borderline personality disorders are marked by a codependent neurotic need to feed off
the reactions of other people the reactions they're feeding off maybe terror they may be chaos they may be sympathy and compassion they may be loathing they may be massive amounts of admiration a sort of a godlike worship for that person particularly in just straightforward NASA but it's also marked not just by a need to force reactions from the people around that cluster B personality which is called dramatic and the DSM is described as being one of the dramatic personality disorders because it needs to create reactions within other people in order to survive in order to
feel alive not literally but in the figurative broken half world half light delusional psychotic schizophrenic space in which the true personality disorder actually exists of the Casta P and they believe that if they don't believe the personality disorder functions as though if they weren't receiving these emotional responses from people terror fear loathing massive amounts of admiration godlike worship overwhelming loss huge boundless amounts of empathy sympathy that they would simply disappear and cease to be and they need it and their exploitative and their entitled I haven't seen exploit stiffness and entitlement necessarily listed as one of
the traits for these personality disorders and but it the traits that are listed kind of point to that as it as being a thing but for me personally in my experience and a little bit of work I've done with people who either have cluster B personality disorder were the victims of the same and the research that I've done I think entitlement and exploitation are very high on my list I don't equally weight the traits I don't look at the nine given traits of NASA's and think that they're equally weighted I don't think that vanity grandiosity
or arrogance are nearly as dangerous in and of themselves as exploitative Ness and entitlement specifically when I'm saying entitled here I mean that I would feel as a somebody with MPD entitled to steal to take literally or figuratively from you so that I can feel better I feel entitled to feel good so much that if you have to suffer or many use multiple versions of you many people have to suffer just so I can feel better that's okay with me that's a level of entitlement that I'm talking about here and the explosiveness is self-explanatory so
sometimes I need to reach inside of your cookie jar sometimes I need to stretch my straw across the room into your milkshake and drink it up there must be an envision in an invasion of your boundary in order for this to function I was actually I don't know how I stumbled across it was just reading something the other day casually and it was another description of borderline personality order from somebody else's point of view and I was actually quite like this this is quite fresh but it actually focused on the fact that when you're interacting
with some really borderline personality disorder when you're interacting through a narcissistic personality disorder you will frequently feel invaded you will frequently feel judged and one of the favorite weapons that I personally think is war of a borderline tactic than a narcissistic tactic is to judge you as being morally deficient is to judge you to attack you with a boundary breaking judgment of something that you completely didn't consent to and to act as though you are a false prophet to act as though you had advertised yourself as this brit in reality or this it's very confusing
for the target because you you're first to be thinking back on a second did not advertise myself as that secondly am i really not that i'm just a really a huge gap between you know i do advertise myself i suppose a decent human being and you're saying I'm a piece of [ __ ] and then the third thing you go into is well maybe it's true this is a I wouldn't call it a logical fallacy and I don't think it's a software fault I think it's a pattern of behavior that reasonable people must go through
a thought pattern that a reasonable human being must go through should be self doubt you can't I mean to have a zero self doubt and to always assume that you're in the right would have you vectoring in for a certain type of narcissism it would be mentally ill so the reasonable objective Socratic thing to do is to pick up the accusation and go how do we know that this is true where does this come from is there a scenario where it is not true what's the balanced approach to this and so on and so forth
but of course if one person is rigidly saying I'm always right no matter what and the other person is saying and I'd be wrong sometimes let's explore that and they've run a time line playing a competitive game with each other this one's not consenting to it probably doesn't even realize they're in a competition this one is all about the competition in keeping it covert and hidden who's gonna win who's gonna win this one's like what the the the target is going to win but I didn't even know I was in a game I thought were
I was in a relationship no no you're in a game silly this one's gonna win because if I'm always assuming that I'm always right and you're always wrong when you say to me hey dude yeah when you say that it's a bit mean I'll go [ __ ] you know it isn't and just reject it so that requires a continuous pattern of behavior that is dipping my hand into your cookie jar that is pushing your boundaries constantly because I need to train you to think that that is normal so every day in every way I
just try to keep pushing and pushing and pushing the boundaries ratcheting up the demands this is why the targets of narcissistic abuse frequently report feelings of despair and helplessness and feeling like nothing nothing I do is ever good enough I always fall below the level of perfectionism that the narcissistic personality is driving towards and particularly when the narcissism is flavored as borderline personality disorder narcissism it will be you will be judged as not as good as you promise to be and then punished for that punished as worthless and so under those circumstances the fastest the
most direct way to test to see if somebody has is sick and has this particular sickness is to simply say no to them and see what the responses no to a demand no to an accusation no to some kind of bound push you might find yourself you know let me think of an example that is a little bit more nuanced and more supple you're two weeks into a relationship with somebody they don't really know your family very well they've never met any of your family you're only 2 weeks in and you've told them something personal
you've shared something personal about your family and now they're making inappropriate comments about your family about people that they don't know they've taken that little bit of personal information you've given them and now they're judging or criticizing members of your family that you don't know that then is a pure boundary break and if you say hey please don't do that depending on the response that you get you can gauge how sick the person is it's not only possible for a civilian in non-clinical conditions to diagnose and nor should any of us be saying oh I've
diagnosed somebody is having MPD I'm not qualified to do that you're not qualified to do that and even a qualified psychotherapist is going to struggle well unless they get the consent of the person to be tested and even if they get the consent of the person to be tested well one of the hallmarks of MPD and the other personality disorders that come under that umbrella tone is lying lying your [ __ ] ass off so can we ever really trust the results of the test I personally think you're probably better off looking at how that
person interacts with you over a time line because they'll be off their game sometimes sometimes they'll be tired sometimes they'll be worn out sometimes they'll just forget and the mask will slip and you also want to look at how they're interacting with other people over time which you know a psychotherapist never gets to do so what I'm saying is I'm saying two things that one is it's we should be humble and say icon I get people coming to me like my husband is a psychopath with a HD and did it endure and I'm sat there
and I'm going yes says you you know really qualifies here you've got to say I think based on what I've researched it seems to me these are important nobody should be that certain I'm not a certain you know I get stories from other people say what do you think this person has done like dude I don't know I'm not qualified for that so the one hand we should be humble and go well it looks like this it seems to be something like this and on the other hand we need to appreciate it even for the
qualified clinicians and psychotherapists it's a challenge for them to really know but this is a good way now if the if the narcissistic personality disorder person gets on to what you're doing or gets on to you being tested they could be sweet as pie and be like oh that's cool you totally don't have to do that for me if you keep doing it and you find certain subjects there are certain subjects that these people really don't want to be told no on there are certain things they'll take a note most things they want it depends
on your on the on the power dynamic of the relationship you have most of the time they actually expect obedience they actually expect you to do as you're told and whether they fly into an overt narcissistic rage when you say no or they go into a massive shock when you say no or you find them going oh really it's no is it okay that's fine and then you find six hours later twelve hours later you're being punished you're seeing a huge response to and know a simple note now whether they have narcissistic personality disorder another
cluster B personality disorder or any personality disorder you don't really need that conclusion and I would sort of say try try and lean back from the heavy conclusions on people I don't think it's essential to your healing to rubber-stamp somebody with psychopathy with elements of Asperger's syndrome some ADHD and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder in a day it's not you know beyond a certain point beyond a certain point and it is troops a certain point but beyond it's not really about them anymore it's actually about you that's what's essential to your healing is what drew you into
that relationship and what kept you there and what we can say with certainty is that certain relationship dynamics that are playing out again and again over time look like a narcissistically abusive relational style that way we're avoiding possibly miss diagnosing another human being which shouldn't that's a boundary breaker shouldn't really be doing that and bring you can say with with a definite certainty okay when I do this and my partner behaves like this and says this X Y and Zed that is emotional abuse that is narcissistic abuse where that's coming from that's their Karma that's
their thing but I can say it's definitely that so the simple assertion of a boundary and just saying yeah I'm not I'm not going to do that for you know and smiling shouldn't cause a negative emotional reaction in any normal person who has no issue that's that's outrageous I mean could you imagine if I'm going through the world and I need others like they must treat me in the way that I demand or they must do certain things for me god damn it and I punish them when they don't or a sulk when they don't
or I become in rage when they don't just look at it objectively like a third person point of view how do I sound pretty [ __ ] crazy and unreasonable right and if I don't actually have a full-blown mental health diagnosis coming I'm certainly being a bit of a [ __ ] prick you can certainly say I'm an [ __ ] and what do you do with somebody who's better an [ __ ] you pull away from them you just you just avoid contact with people who are fundamentally toxic so I would say that that
is probably the most reliable test to date that I've seen is to actually just say no to them so you're when they're asking you to do something people will ask you like can you give me some money or can I borrow your car or can you do a certain thing for me but they'll also ask you covertly so it's good for target's codependent black sheep people with C PTSD whatever you want to call that to become aware of when they are being asked coerced asked for worse over contracted into doing something guilt trips or shamed
into doing something where they're not being overtly asked but they're being covertly asked one of the things that narcissistic personality types will do frequently is they will covertly coerce you into giving way more of your time and your attention and they deserve one way or another so I don't think any narcissist out there is really like give me all your [ __ ] time in your attention but notice in the pattern of your relating so I've had expect I've had one experience where every single week there was a drama a crisis an episode this thing
that was all about her that made and not only did she have a problem but that problem was made my problem and I consented to that that's my responsibility it's consenting to letting somebody make their problems my problem that might their problem my problem yeah that's right and I would also be drawn into the solution so be like this is the problem I've got to go down trying to be like okay this is a problem that you've got how can we fix this and then I'd be drawn into the solution I wonder looking back what
would have happened if I just gone oh right that sounds terrible and left it at that that's yes I hear you almost like feeding it back my boss at work is it horrible to me your boss at work your boss at work is horrible to you wow I can only imagine how how that must make you feel and just know I'm not getting myself involved I'm not offering solutions nothing at all so that's one way of being asked covertly to keep your time keep your attention keep your focus all of your resources on that one
person another way is is when somebody just is communicating with you at a certain level and in a certain style so a particular when we're talking knife sysm particular when it's borderline personality disorder which turns up with a different flavor there's a particular style the borderlines will will more likely use there's more vulnerability there there's more victimhood there they like narcissistic supply but their narcissistic supply they like sympathy they like their milkshake flavored with a lot of sympathy and you'll often hear them talking obsessively about the subject of sympathy empathy and compassion when somebody is
stuck on that subject just over and over and over again constantly complaining that the world is not empathic compassionate or sympathetic enough that is somebody who's now stuck in a developmental and an infantile developmental phase where they basically feel like mummy's teat was drawn away too quickly daddy's attention was not giving me enough before I was read and they they withdrew it's not it's not healthy and it's not an indicator of strong boundaries and strong mental health to be obsessed with empathy now everybody who's obsessed with empathy has borderline personality disorder but everybody I've seen
who's got borderline personality disorder is obsessed with empathy being given to them so they'll talk a lot of empathy but you'll notice they're the least empathic people you can be around the borderline personalities or is like empathy people should be empathetic empathy empathy compassion compassion and what they mean is shove the empathy pie in this hole here so that I can eat there and they themselves are cold dismissive reaction seeking abrasive you know if somebody is in pain and then it I'm not interested in hearing this weakness two seconds later like why doesn't nobody feel
sorry for me why am I not receiving anything this is why they drive a lot of people completely bonkers so what you'll get is a communication style from the book the more borderline type which is boundary breaking in a softer way rather than the harsher narcistic style which is it can be a bit bullying the overt narcissist which is bullying which is like a do this for me now this is more like hey hey girl we're cool friends we're so close we're just oh we're the bestest of mates and you're like I've met you three
weeks ago our yoga class so you know you like that and the over assumption of intimacy is classic for the borderline personality relational style the over assumption of intimacy is also a boundary break if boundary break is not always hey like that sort of an yang energy invasive hey you do this for me now sometimes it's a yin energy hey come over here and do this for me now that's still a boundary break in one i'm penetrating you and in the other one I'm sucking the energy out of you Freud where are you now so
you got to beware of that so sometimes you'll be interacting with somebody in a certain way where they're over there talking to you as though you've got massive amounts of intimacy but the expectation behind that is give me a load of time and attention and sometimes after certain you get to a certain place for the person you're like ha the amount of time and attention I'm giving you like it a male-female context it's kind of like what lovers well kind of like what girlfriend a boyfriend or kind of like husband and wife but in the
real world outside of this fantasy of the communication of the reality tunnelled that you're spinning we're not so what's happening I'll tell you what's happening is you're asking for more and more of my time and more and more of my attention in a way that is actually completely inappropriate to where we are up to in terms of our relationship this can happen in sexual and non-sexual relationships the the gender doesn't it doesn't matter a jot neither does ethnicity or economic class or education level it's across the board a wonderful thing about narcissism and it's not
sysm is a wonderful thing no the wonderful thing about nurses or is it transcends all boundaries you know it's just a human issue and there's no there's no this that doesn't owned by one culture one gender that's just it's just the human condition so there you go hope you enjoyed that hope it's useful if you're not sure and you want to test somebody try saying no when they are asking you directly or indirectly be direct with your know so whether you're getting a direct ask do this for me say no and smile or an indirect
ask where you're like hey you can turn around and be like oh wow it really seems like you know you're asking for a lot of my time right now just like all the subject matter you're drawing into you right now I don't really know you like that I don't really want to hear about all your I don't know previous sexual experiences and but I'm not that close so can you just like chill with that no normal person would become enraged by that so a person might be hurt by that they might be like oh that's
doesn't feel very good I've just been told to get back in my lane well I need to think about what I'm doing and why I'm interacting the person the responsibility would go inward it would be like okay the locus of control is internal what am i doing that elicited that response something you could turn around be like dude I so sorry I just I Rinat known each other long enough you're completely right I shouldn't have said that stuff to you I'm [ __ ] I'm a widow sorry about that won't have and the when the
the locus of control is purely external and the super-ego is busted and the ego is busted through trauma as you will get with full-blown borderline personality disorder and social personality disorder and narcistic personality disorder the super-ego at that point is always I there is no I and completely in the right at all times and you are always wrong so just be careful of this when you hear border lines and vulnerable lapses going I feel like [ __ ] I know I've done wrong I'm the worst person if it's true malignant borderline personalities or that all
Monson's that's just a game to lure you back in it's it's and I call it ostentatious vulnerability other people have different terms for it like fake conscientiousness or you could call it like they're like a false self-awareness or false self accountability and it's nonsense all they're doing is trying to elicit the right emotional response from you that they need so whatever you'll get from the person is just set a boundary smile and say no and see what response you get and you will probably find out quite a lot very very quickly I hope that helps
thank you very much for your time and your attention and I look forward to speaking to you soon
