Relationships are life. If you look at life, all it really is, is relationships. We have a relationship with our self, we have a relationship with other things, we have a relationship with other people.
Thats what life is. So obviously, for us to feel safe in life we have to feel free from harm in our relationships. But the reality is, most of us have no idea how to create a safe relationship.
is a relationship with somebody who cannot take us as part of themselves so as to take our best interests as part of their own best interests. This is essentially a state of disconnection. It's a state where, because a person perceives themself to be so separate from you, they cannot see, hear, feel and really understand you.
So, they can't even know what your best interests really are. It's essentially a lack of attunement and a lack of love. Now, most people are confused about what love is because they associate love with just feeling so positive towards someone.
But feeling that positively towards something is actually a byproduct of love. It's not what love is. To love, is to take something as part of yourself.
It just so happens that most often when we do this, it's natural that we feel positive towards that thing. Now what's attunement? To attune to something, is to bring yourself into a state of harmony with that thing.
It's a feeling of being at one with something. But this way to imagine attunement, is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching for the radio dial. If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency, like 98,2 FM, you need to tune your own radio dial to 98,2 FM, then you will hear the music.
Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with, or become one with the radio channel you want to receive, in order to perceive that radio channel. You need to tune into them as if you are them, so as to be able to feel or imagine the other persons emotional experience and to understand what they are feeling. This is what allows you to know what to do in any given situation to end conflict or improve a situation, or assist someone.
Attunements is what gives rise naturally to compassion and empathy. To understand these concepts in depths, I suggest that you watch my videos titled: What Is Love Attunement (The Key To A Good Relationship) &. .
. Compassion (How To Cultivate Compassion) This state of taking somebody else or something else as part of yourself so as to fully perceive the felt experience of that thing, is the foundation of a safe relationship. One of the problems that we have today is that we try to love somebody from our own separate perspective.
We try to figure out what we think their needs and wants are. We spend so much time trying to give them love in ways they don't actually receive love because we try to love them instead of to understand them. For this reason some of the most priceless advice you can ever receive in your relationships is to quit trying to love people and try to understand them instead.
For this reason watch my video titled: Stop Trying to Love Them and Start Trying to Understand Them What makes a relationships safe is our capacity to take someone as part of ourselves and perceive them to a degree that we can no longer tolerate asking them to put up with pain. We can't ask them to put up with pain, any more than we can tolerate them being in pain. If we perceive ourselves to be so separate that somebody else's pain isn't a problem for us, this becomes a huge issues in our relationships and a big window for unsafety because it means that we can play a zero sum game, where they lose and we win.
We can also fall into such an incredible illusion that we think it's possible to screw their best interests for our own, and it opens the door wide open for abuse, because we can now use pain as a method of controlling them into us getting what we want. Most people have a very negative association with the concept of owning someone else. But I'm gonna tell you that when it comes to creating a safe relationship this ownership, is where its at.
To possess something is to have that thing and that it belongs to you, this is actually the positive side of possession. Its an inclusion based concept. To love something is to take it as part of yourself.
This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it. To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself, here is that theme again, and if you see something as part of yourself it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. So much damage has been done by us throwing out the concept of ownership in our relationships with one another.
When we do not own one another as part of ourselves, we feel no responsibility to them. Ownership is a critical part of creating safety in relationship. To understand this fully watch my video titled: Own People!
(How to Take Ownership of Your Relationships) Nothing makes us feel more unsafe in relationships than abandonment. In fact, we can argue that it makes us feel even more unsafe than being trapped in a relationship that's painful. But here is a interesting thing about that: It is in 100% guarantee that if we will lose somebody that we cant take as part of ourselves.
Its actually statistically proven now, that 100% of relationships that are absent of trust, and now, let's look back at what is trust meant; To trust something is to be able to rely on somebody taking your best interest as part of their own. Sounds like love, doesnt it? Take somebody as part of yourself is to take their best interest as part of yourself, they're inseparable.
So obviously, without trust, you don't have love. Now, if we've just learned that, with no trust 0% of relationships work, then obviously, it's a guarantee that if you can't take somebody as part of yourself, you will be losing this relationship. So we can literally guarantee the unsafety of abandonment, if we are not capable of taking somebody else as part of ourselves and their best interests with it.
To understand more about trust, watch my video titled: TRUST (What is Trust and How To Build Trust in Relationships) Relationships are inherently completely out of control. The reason is, you can't control another person. You can't control what they think, what they say, what they do, what they choose.
This is why relationships feel so freaking scary. It is risky! It's just about a calculated risk.
Now there is a huge, huge difference between us coming from scary relationships in our past, I mean by raise of hands if I ask an audience of people, how many of them have had trauma or painful experiences in their relationships that made them terrified of relationships in the future, you're looking at 90% of people, if not a 100% raising their hands. So, we're all entering into relationships from a space of us being terrified of relationships. There's a big difference between us being scared and feeling unsafe relative to relationships because of past trauma, when in fact, we're in a relationship with somebody who is safe now, and us getting into a relationship that's inherently unsafe.
Obviously, we need to use our discernment and even invite others to help us to discern whether we are feeling unsafe because of the past, when the relationship with a person is actually safe, and when, to the opposite, we are feeling unsafe because the relationship or person isn't actually safe. Most of us will experience pain at some point in even the best relationships that exist. But a safe relationship isn't really about whether we never experience pain, it's about how we deal with that pain.
The only pain we should ever align with in a relationship, is pain that enhances the well being of one, the other or both people in their relationship. But it must be said that it takes an intense level of awareness to actually discern, whether some kind of pain is actually in the best interest or in the, let's call it, sphere of well-being for a person, instead of something that diminishes somebody's well-being. It must be said, that it can be a real smokescreen for abuse and a real smokescreen for our own shortcomings in relationships, to say: "Well, I think that that pain that that person is feeling is in their own best interests.
" We can't always say that to save somebody from all forms of pain is in alignment with their well-being. But, as a general principle in relationships, it's best to adopt that perspective. That if you really wanna create a safe relationship, you're gonna really put some effort into making sure that the other person is not in pain.
This means, safety in relationships is about the quickness with which we create repair. It's about the genuine commitment to prevent harm and to not perpetuate harm to the person who we love and therefore, take as part of ourselves. To understand this fully, watch my video titled: Take Them as a Part of You (The Golden Key to a Good Relationship) Long story short, knowing everything I've just given you in this video, the way to decide whether you're in a good relationship, is the following: If you are in a good relationship, you will be able to say "All relationships are innately powerless and I'm out of control here with this person.
I'm out of control, and so I feel safe. " When you are in a bad relationship, you're not gonna be able to say this. Your truth will be: "I am out of control in this relationship and with this person, and so I feel unsafe.
" And there is nothing worse than that feeling, especially when you feel that relative to your partner. Have a good week.
