Hello! Today we're talking about development towards autonomy. Grow and let grow.
CHILD'S TALK Daniella Freixo de Faria, psychologist Hello, my name is Daniella F. de Faria. I'm a child psychologist.
Today we're talking about development towards autonomy. That is a live process which starts the minute the child is born. .
. . .
. and goes through many stages. And we, the parents, are the great overseers of that process.
It's like a big ascending spiral. Up, up, up. That spiral goes through crucial points of development.
Children are born and develop. . .
. . .
until they achieve autonomy, until they reach adulthood and fully develop psychologically, emotionally, physically, mentally and relationally. That way, they are able to develop and get involved. .
. . .
. with people, the world and all the activities related to them. It may often seem to us like.
. . .
. . we are not part of that process.
As if children could live through that process by themselves. They can't. We're the overseers.
We often don't realize that we encourage the child, but we are encouraged by them as well. We are also going through our development spiral, growing as parents. Nowadays, when you have a 3-year-old, you are the mother of a 3-year-old.
That mother also needs to grow, develop, as a mother and as a human being, so that, when the child turns 6, the mother can be a mother of a 6-year-old. That process is alive, personal and very rich. But we often get stuck, like a car with its parking brake pulled up.
And the children invite us to the next step in that growth. but sometimes we can't move on. Sometimes we are stuck in the baby part, in the baby talk, the mispronounced words, and that pulled-up parking brake.
. . .
. . can become a nuisance.
It can make the children confused. . .
. . .
with all that process, which is happening, full steam ahead, and with which we, for some reason, can't keep up. Another thing that's very common nowadays. .
. . .
. is that the children see us in such a hurry, and we are, indeed, always in a hurry, like the White Rabbit from Alice In Wonderland: always late! And we end up doing things for the children.
It's very common nowadays for a 7-year-old to be unable to tie their own shoelaces. or that a 5-year-old is still spoon fed, or that a big boy still needs help in the shower, and we get stuck because we're in a hurry. Because waiting for the child to learn.
. . .
. . a certain activity or task, to wait that long takes too long.
And when that happens, we harm the process. We harm the process in a way that also harms us later on, because we end up having to try harder. We try harder to conquer things that should have been conquered before.
So, with this video, I would like to invite you to let them grow. That means that the child should go towards their autonomy. Towards emotional, physical and mental autonomy.
That way, they'll be able to think about and feel the world. . .
. . .
through their own values. That is very important, for the child to receive and understand life, and to have something inside of them to fully understand and shape their lives. Another thing which is very important and beautiful.
. . .
. . is that, by taking care and being there for the children, spoon feeding, tying their shoelaces and all that, we think that the child is safer.
After all, we're there for them. But that's a false safety. A safe child is one that has their own autonomy.
One that lives their own development. One that may try new things. That's when we reach a very interesting point.
Upon fearing losing that protection and importance, we sometimes can't let it go. But when we do, when we let life run its course, when we let the natural movement of development and growth happen, when that happens, we're able to experince a great thing with our children: Sharing. Children who live autonomously have things to share with us.
We should be open to learning from them. The sharing makes us closer and happier in our everyday lives, since we're talking about two human beings, who are learning together, in a process that involves both of them, not only the child, both available for the next step of the process. to figure out what the next step is.
When the child notices our enthusiasm and our will to share, they are very happy to share that process with us, very happy to know we're there. We are their biggest fans in the country, in the world. But for that, we need to oversee them without holding them back.
Overseeing means: "I can help you do it, but I won't do it for you. " "How can I help you solve the matter? " "How can I help you organize your closet?
" "How can I help you do your homework? " But, in the long run, doing things for them. .
. can be very, very bad. Bad for everyone.
The moment we can, for instance, teach them how to fish, we can reach a point. . .
. . .
where we will all be able to enjoy fishing. And that, maybe because of how much we love them, is hard for us. Because we ask ourselves: "Who do our children belong to?
" And our first response is: "They're mine, ours! " In that discovery of autonomy, we realize something beautiful: They belong to themselves. We are their partners in that journey, so they can grow up to be themselves, so they can become the being that's inside them.
so they can fulfill their dreams and be happy. So, in that partnership, when we follow the river's flow together, we can find our real children. .
. . .
. and share our good life experiences with them. Today's tip is intended to help you with this process.
You can create a big chart, with all their chores they can already do, and the ones they still need help with. Then, we can follow that chart, that cardboard, that diagram, and we can follow it with the children, celebrating all they manage to do. When the child is scored, and when they realize that, and see they're capable, that creates a great incentive for them, and they'll want more and more.
So, try doing that at home, your own way. Think of how you can make it clear to your child. .
. what the challenges are, which victories they've already had, how you can, together, follow that process every day, celebrate the victories, realize what the challenges are. .
. . .
. and what corners you can cut, so you can solve. .
. . .
. some hard problem or task. Trust them.
They can do it. Of course, we must observe each child's age. Adjust things, here and there, according to their needs.
More difficult or easier, whatever, it's okay. It's a very good exercise. Children like it a lot.
As we learn how to adjust the chart, they cooperate and help us to know how to adjust it. It's a great activity which will help you a lot in your routine at home, as the children will be willing to help. So, that was today's talk.
If you liked it, share it, like our fanpage, send us your questions for next week's video. See you then. Bye!
CHILD'S TALK Daniela F. de Faria, psychologist English subtitles by Fabio Lima fabiopl@gmail.
