Hello everyone, as you can see we are matching, wearing the same color Let’s go to tip#18 We are aware that in a relationship, though you love each other there is going to be times of disagreement, division, where one is going to think A and the other B and both are convinced that they are right. What to do in that case? This is inevitable, it’s always going to happen, and this happens in our marriage, we come across this from time to time – different opinions.
What to do? What should be done is that one of us has to give in. This is the tip I give because personally I had to do this many times.
Why? Because if I continued to put my foot down and insist that I was right and he was wrong, we were going to have a problem in our marriage. In fact many problems that we went through, if you have read or will read our book you will notice that many problems didn’t extend further.
We didn’t have this understanding we have today so we “resolved” our problems. These problems were not worse and didn’t end with our relationship because one of us always gave in, right Renato? We stopped the problem before it escalated, became bigger or made things worse than they were.
Because when egos crash, it is difficult to overcome the problems in a relationship. And this is what happens, when a couple let their egos fight, it then becomes difficult. So in our marriage, Cristiane learned this.
One day we were in a meeting and her father was talking about this subject and he said that usually in a marriage the woman should give in. I know that many women may hear this and think that it’s a sexist statement, but it is not, pay close attention. Why should a woman give in?
And we know because we practice this in our relationship. Women don’t take this in the wrong way and think we want to emotionally manipulate you. It is a fact that women are stronger in this sense than men.
For example, a woman is usually able to cede in a discussion more than a man. Why? A man’s ego is connected to his identity; in who he is.
A man needs assurance, assertiveness that he is the leader and that he is respected, that he is head of the family and everything else. I know there are men that are unbalanced and sometimes take this to an extreme. But what I mean is that a man’s natural instinct is connected to his ego, and is more difficult for him to give in than for a woman.
Not that a woman does not have an ego or self respect but for her is less of a sacrifice than for a man. And she should understand that though she may be right she should give in, just like many times I was right and I had to give in, because we would not get anywhere, the problem would extend for a long time and become a bigger problem. So, for the best of “our nation” it doesn’t cost anything for someone to say, “Ok, I’m going to give in.
” How do you give in? By not butting heads, if you are not agreeing on something, you decide to let him have the final word. You are not going to continue to win, “Oh I have to win discussion, I have to win this fight, I have to win this fight!
” or have the stronger case. You give in when you say, “No, that’s ok, I’m going to let him think that he won” it’s the best for the both of us. This is where many couples stumble; they want to win the argument.
All they want to know is, “I won, I was right. ” What is more important for you to be right, or have peace in your relationship? When two people think that they are right the argument doesn’t come to an end, understand this.
In my opinion and point of view, I’m always going to think I’m right. She’s also going to think she’s right. When will this argument end?
If both of us think we are right. So, someone has to say, “OK, more important than to win this argument is for us to be at peace. ” We may not come up with a conclusion for now, but I’m going to let this go and let him have what he wants for now; the last word.
Later on we will settle this. In short, she believes that she will win more, with time. Usually when a woman hardens her heart, confronts her husband, his ego tells him to do something stronger in order for him not to lose and she ends up losing.
The truth is that both of them lose, but she loses more. Why? Because she has the power of giving in easier than him and she doesn’t cede, so you have this battle of the egos.
So, when Cristiane gives in, when she lets me have the last word or she agrees not to confront me, and when everything is settled I then feel like I owe her because she let me win. So, I’m in debt with her and want to please her, because she insisted in pleasing me. This is the way!
When people hear us talking about these things they think that I’m foolish, but it doesn’t matter to me what they think. What matters to me is that I’m able to have a happy relationship, and you? I have and I will continue to have a happy relationship, I am fulfilled as a woman.
Why? I sacrificed my will, my ego, many times for the best of our marriage and then I end up winning much more because Renato is always spoiling me. Let’s just make it clear that it is not always her that gives in, but I also have to give in many times.
What I want to say, is that when things become difficult and both people think they are right; it is easier for her to give in. I’m not saying that the woman is the one that always has to give in. The men that are watching understand that sometimes you also have to give in.
But when there is a tie, women need to understand that it is easier for them to give in and at the end up winning. If you insist with your husband to always give in to your desires, you are not going to have a leader by your side but instead a puppet. And I don’t believe that is what you want.
Here is another tip for you, in the next video we’re also going to talk more to those who are single.
