Read most social skills books and the author will pretty much argue it's important that you do one thing and one thing only in order to connect with others. Learn their name and use it at every opportunity. Why?
Well, apparently the logic behind this is that people love hearing the sound of their own name. But is this true? If you've ever been on the receiving end of someone constantly using your name, you'll know what starts off as a nice personal feel to their words soon sparks your suspicion of them trying to manipulate you and soften you up like a plump peach, for example.
Hi there. Nice to meet you. Yeah, and you.
What's your name? Lewis. Lewis.
Ah, nice name. Lovely name, in fact. Tell me, Lewis, where are you from?
England, actually. Ah, England. Lovely country, Lewis.
I've been there before. Louis, tell me, what is it you do? I can't quite figure it out from first impressions.
Funnily enough, I'm a YouTuber. That's what I do. Interesting.
Lewis, YouTuber, eh? I've never met a YouTuber before, Louis. So, tell me, Louis, what is it you love about what you do?
Oh, you know, making videos, helping people out, you know, all that stuff. I love it. Ah, interesting.
Lewis, I tell you what, tell you what, mate. Hold on. I've got to go grab something quick.
Give me a second. Oh, yeah. No worries.
Say my name one more time and I'm going to flatten you out. So, an alternative and the quickest way to build connection with someone isn't to overuse other people's names so as to avoid coming across as over friendly or manipulative, but to use your name when speaking to others. Why?
Well, using your name does two things. Number one, it reminds other people of what your name is. So they're now no longer thinking in their mind while listening to you, "Oh my god, what was his name?
This is going to be so awkward when I ask him. " Don't know why I was pushing out of fat one there. So they're more present in the conversation and the conversation flows better.
But most importantly, mentioning your name to others humanizes yourself. The opposite of this point number two is if you've ever seen a suspect in a detective interview, you'll notice that most criminals don't want to offer their name to the police. Why?
Well, because what does it mean to offer your name to someone at a very deep psychological level? It means you are opening yourself up to be influenced by the other person. If you give me your name, I have a lot more influence over you than I would have if I didn't know your name.
So offering your name to someone is an act of vulnerability, which is a great idea if you want to connect with someone, but it's not exactly the best idea if a policeman is stood in front of you questioning why you was caught on CCTV last night stealing the cash register from the local bakery while wearing a latex balaclava. So to be practical here, I found in my experience that there are two easy ways you can mention your name during a conversation. Number one is when you're telling a story and number two is when you're talking about your interactions with others.
Storytelling pretty standard. You might reach a part in your story where you're telling the person something someone else told you. For example, I might say, "And then the bloke told me he said Lewis.
" Number two, talking about your interactions with others. This is a very fun way to do it. Let's say I'm having a conversation with someone and they ask me a question such as, "So, are you close with your mom?
" I could respond with, "Yeah, very close with my mom. We get along very well. " Although come to think of it, she is always nagging at me saying, "Louis, you need to do this.
" Or, "Louis, you should do that. " Which is the only downside of having a very caring mom. Just realized the other day I did this in the gym.
Sparked up a conversation with a new guy. Never spoke to him before. 10 minutes into the conversation, we were talking about training or whatnot.
Hadn't got each other's names yet. And he asked me a question. He was like, "Oh, so how come you've started training in this gym?
" And I'm pretty sure I responded along the lines of, "Well, you know, I had I had a conversation with myself one day and I just said, "Louis, it's time to stop training calisthenics and actually get in the gym. " And then I learned his name 30 minutes later, finished my workout. So I was walking out of the gym, but before I left, turned round, saw the guy, remembered his name was Harry, said, "See you later, H.
" He said, "See you later, Lou. " As I walked out, I started smiling and I thought, "Oh, connections been built. Names have been established.
That's a quick example. Finally, the coolest way I've ever heard of someone mentioning their name in a social interaction was Chris Foss, the negotiation expert. He walked into a shop to buy something.
Lady behind the counter was stood there all happy and smiley, and he said, "Put the thing on the counter. Any chance you could do a discount for me today, love? " She said, "No, sorry.
" straight away. Instant objection. Then he followed it up with, "Well, my name's Chris.
Do you do any Chris discounts? And I think the story goes, she then smiled, laughed, spoke to her manager, and processed a discount. So maybe that's a little social challenge for you.
The next time you're buying something, go in, ask for a discount, knowing they're going to say no, have a little pause, look them in the eye, smile, maybe a bit of rez. Sorry, I had to use that word. And uh then say, well, have you got any my name discounts?
See what they do. In summary, number one, don't overuse other people's names. Still learn their names and use it, just not all the time.
How often? I don't know, maybe once every five sentences. Do what feels right.
And finally, number two, use your name to humanize yourself when telling a story or talking about your interactions with others. Thank you very much for your time and attention. Stay disciplined, playful, and dangerous.
Adios muchachos.
