you want us to fight those things kall clicked his mandibles in disbelief compound eyes fixed on the Tactical display are you completely insane or just suicidal the vorath commander facial tentacles wried in frustration they're just humans primitive mammals barely a century into their space age your fee has already been tripled quadruple it again and I still wouldn't take this contract kurik tall chittered jabbing a clawed appendage at the holographic imagery look at them actually look at them the footage showed what the humans designated as their special operations forces conducting exercises on a harsh desert World
The Warriors moved with an unsettling combination of fluid Grace and predatory intent Laden with enough Weaponry to make a cran War Beast feel inadequately armed I've studied their combat Doctrine kto continued do you know what those markings mean the ones they wear on their armor skulls human skulls they advertise death on their very bodies what kind of species does that A Primitive one trying to appear threatening the commander scoffed their psychological warfare is crude at best crude KX tall's antenni twitched violently let me tell you about crude those humans you're so eager to dismiss they
developed powered armor because they saw it in entertainment videos they created plasma weapons because they thought they looked cool in games their entire military industrial complex is driven by the question wouldn't it be awesome if the Commander's tentacles stilled surely you're exaggerating I wish I was you know what they call their elite units names like Ghost Recon and Shadow Raiders they give their gunships names like black death and Angel Of Destruction they Nam their carriers after ancient warriors and conquerors many species engage in martial posturing no you don't understand kall interrupted mandibles clicking rapidly they
don't do this to intimidate enemies they do it because they think it's fun because some human looked at a heavily armed assault transport and thought you know what would make this better painting flames on the side and calling it valkyrie's Fury the Tactical display shifted to show human Special Forces conducting a night raid their movements were precise coordinated and utterly terrifying to watch they flowed through the darkness like living Shadows every motion economical and deadly look at how they move kkal continued most species either excel at stealth or direct combat humans they switch between the
two like flipping a switch one moment they ghosts the next they're unleashing enough Firepower to level a small City and they do it all while making terrible jokes over their Comm channels the Commander's facial tentacles had begun to pale slightly the jokes cannot be that significant a factor oh really let me share some intercepted Communications from their last engagement car xal pulled up an audio file human voices crackled through the speakers hey Jenkins what's the difference between a vorath battle cruiser and a target range I don't know Sarge what about 30 seconds once Anderson gets
that rail gun warmed up sound of human laughter mixed with explosive detonations see Kirk's antenna drooped they make jokes while fighting who does that it's not natural the commander shifted uncomfortably perhaps we could negotiate with their leadership instead their leadership kural gave the chittering equivalent of a laugh you mean the ones who look at their most aggressive adrenaline seeking danger loving volunteers and say yes these are the ones we should give our most advanced weapons to the ones who took their special forces request for orbital drop capabilities and responded by developing pods that let them
literally surf through atmospheric re-entry they do what oh yes they call it riding the lightning because of course they do they turn everything into an action video game their training simulations are indistinguishable from their entertainment do you know what they call their combat stimulants Go Juice their Battlefield Medical Technology stim packs it's like they're living in their own combat fiction the Tactical display showed more footage humans in powered armor executing impossible Maneuvers their movements enhanced by neural interfaces and synthetic muscle fibers and don't even get me started on their enhancement programs K xal continued most
species pursue either bi biological or technological advancement humans they said both and make it awesome they've got soldiers who can interface directly with their weapons who can process combat data faster than our best AI who can run for days without rest and what do they do with these capabilities they compete to see who can pull off the most ridiculous stunts in actual combat the Commander's skin had taken on a distinctly unhealthy Hue surely they have some weaknesses oh they do they're Reckless prone to improvisation and constantly pushing the limits of their equipment but here's the
thing they know these are weaknesses and they've turned them into strengths they train for equipment failure they practice improvising their Doctrine literally includes guidelines for when to ignore Doctrine that's that's Madness exactly and that's why I'm not fighting them because the only thing more terrifying than their capabilities is their enthusiasm for using them they don't just Embrace combat they enjoy it they turn Warfare into an art form complete with its own culture traditions and inside jokes the Commander's tentacles had wrapped themselves into tight knots perhaps we should reconsider our expansion plans now you're thinking clearly
kreal agreed because let me tell you the worst part all those special forces we've been watching those are their normal ones they have even more elite units they keep secret can you imagine what those must be like I'd rather not wise choice because I've heard rumors about their Black Ops teams stories about operators who can bend probability itself who can step through Dimensions who can enough the Commander's tentacles were practically tied in knots the contract is withdrawn we'll seek easier conquests elsewhere good call Coral chittered because the only thing more dangerous than human Special Forces
is what happens when they get creative did you know they once used orbital dropping pods to deliver high yield explosives disguised as Supply crates the enemy took them into their own storage facilities they called it operation special delivery and laughed about it for weeks as the commander hurried away Coral turned back to the Tactical display the footage showed a human Special Forces team practicing Close Quarters combat their movements a deadly dance of precision and controlled violence one of them executed a perfect backflip while firing two weapons simultaneously completely insane kall muttered and they probably did
that flip just because they thought it looked cool in the background more intercepted Communications played hey anyone see where I left that antimatter grenade check your other tactical pocket Dave oh yeah there it is right next to my lucky rabbit's foot more human laughter Kirk tall shut off the display with a shudder let others fight the humans if they wanted he preferred his battles survivable and his enemies sane besides he'd heard the humans had recently started experimenting with something they called space ninjas and he definitely didn't want to know what that was about as he
left the command center he could have sworn he heard distant human laughter echoing through the corridors probably just his imagination probably but he quickened his Pace anyway later that cycle when asked why he'd turned down such a lucrative contract kraal had a simple answer have you ever watched humans fight they treat combat like a competition to see who can be the most spectacularly lethal while having the most fun they don't just wait into battle they choreograph it his fellow mercenaries laughed until he showed them the footage they didn't laugh after that instead they did the
sensible thing they updated their contracts to specifically exclude operations against human Special Forces some called them cowards correctol called them survivors because in the end there was only one thing you needed to know about human Special Forces they were the kind of Warriors who looked at the impossible grinned and said hold my beer and anyone who knew humans knew that phrase never ended well for their opponents remember that time we turned down the vorath contract zix vac asked mandibles twitching with barely suppressed Amusement K's antenni flattened against his carpas don't remind me best decision I
ever made even if nobody believed me at the time the mercenary Lounge of station 7 Ekko was unusually crowded filled with various species sharing War Stories and contract information most were trying very hard to avoid discussing the latest news from the outer rim speaking of humans a torite mercenary Commander called from across the room their crystallin form catching the ambient light has anyone seen the footage from the dorax incident a collective shudder ran through the assembled Warriors even the normally stoic Quantum Hive Representatives dimmed their bioluminescence you mean when those human operators decided to Kirk's
to paused mandibles clicking rapidly as he searched for the right words what did they call it improvise a tactical solution using locally sourced materials that's the Diplomatic version the tellerite chimed their crystallin structure vibrating with suppressed mirth what they actually said was hey y'all watch this those words a veteran merian Warrior growled their first standing on end should be classified as a psychological weapon nothing good ever follows them KCAL pulled up a hollow screen displaying the now Infamous footage the assembled mercenaries leaned in despite themselves unable to look away from what had become known as
the incident the footage showed a squad of human Special Forces operators cornered in a Dorian manufacturing facility the dorax being silicon-based life forms had assumed their industrial grade thermal processing units would provide an effective barrier against the humans they had not counted on human creativity watch this part KX stall chittered indic ating a human operator who appeared to be grinning inside their helmet this is where it goes from standard human Insanity to well human Insanity the footage showed the operator turning to their squad the audio crackled hey you know what those processing units are full
of industrial coolant nope freerange tactical lubricant What followed was a master class in what humans called adaptive problem solving and what everyone else called complete Madness The Operators somehow converted the facility's thermal processing Network into an improvised distribution system for their combat stimulants and explosive compounds they weaponized the cooling system a newly arrived Quantum Hive drone buzzed in disbelief they turn temperature regulation equipment into a delivery mechanism for military-grade stimulants and high explosives while making jokes about it being just like that one video game crical added something about Plumbing simulator and speedrunning strats the footage
continued showing the daxian forces discovering much to their dismay that their own facilities infrastructure had been turned against them the human operators had essentially created what they cheerfully called a base wide party delivery system order up one extra spicy combat cocktail coming right up don't forget to tip your server sound of explosions mixed with human laughter but that's not even the worst part zix vac interjected tell them about the maintenance drones car exile's antenna drooped they reprogrammed the facility's maintenance drones to play something called entry music whenever they breached a new section apparently it was
for dramatic effect the footage shifted to show maintenance drones bursting through walls while blaring what human databases identified as classical rock music The Operators could be heard arguing about the soundtrack selection between firefights really Jenkins Highway to Hell again it's a classic for reason Sarge and this KX tal continued is why I don't take contracts involving humans anymore because who looks at a hostile facility's infrastructure and thinks you know what this needs background music and an improvised stimulant delivery system to be fair the tellerite commander noted their crystallin form glinting with Amusement it was very
effective that's the problem everything they do is effective no matter how insane it seems they turned basic maintenance drones into what they called party Bots and use them to distribute combat enhancers throughout an enemy facility all while making jokes and arguing about music choices the footage showed the final moments of the operation with human operators surfing on reprogrammed maintenance drones through corridors filled with stimulant laced Vapor firing weapons a Kimbo while shouting quotes from their entertainment media remember kids don't try this at home unless you've completed the proper certification course hces more laughter more explosions
they recorded training videos afterward zix vac added quietly called it creative resource utilization 101 making the enemy's base your party venue the assembled mercenaries sat in stunned silence processing this information finally the m and Warrior spoke so they not only pulled off this insanity but they turned it into a teaching opportunity Kur xall finished complete with peer reviews and suggest for alternative music selections for various tactical scenarios I heard they got a commendation the tellerite added three commendations actually kall corrected one for Mission success one for Creative resource utilization and one for and I quote
maintaining optimal morale through appropriate musical accompaniment the lounge fell silent again broken only by the sound of contracts being updated to specifically exclude any operations where humans might be present even the quantum Hive Representatives normally eager for any combat data were rapidly revising their engagement protocols the truly terrifying part Kirk mused is that this is probably one of their Tamer operations imagine what their actual classified missions are like I'd rather not chorused several voices Wise Choice kral agreed because I've heard rumors about their latest training programs apparently they're teaching their operators something called parkour the
mass Exodus from the the lounge was immediate and unprecedented later when updating the mercenary Guild's official advisory documents kall added a new warning if you hear human Special Forces operators laughing during combat Retreat immediately if you hear them say hey watch this or I've got an idea Retreat faster and if you hear them discussing music choices for their operation surrender it's easier that way the advisory was approved unanimously because if there's one thing the Galaxy's mercenary Community had learned it was this the only thing more dangerous than human Special Forces was human Special Forces having
fun and they were always having fun in the depths of space aboard a human Special Forces transport a sergeant reviewed the footage from the dorax incident with their team all right people what did we learn always check the facility's infrastructure for tactical repurposing opportunities music selection matters industrial coolant systems make excellent improvised delivery mechanisms all good points the sergeant nodded but you're forgetting the most important lesson what's that Sarge next time we bring better speakers those maintenance drone audio systems were not doing Justice to ACDC the resulting laughter echoed through the transport causing nearby alien
ships to nervously adjust their course just another day in human Special Forces so car xal began his mandibles twitching with What Might Have Been suppressed laughter who's heard about the Nexus 9 situation the mercenary Lounge of station 7 Echo normally a hub of boisterous activity fell into the kind of Silence usually reserved for funeral ceremonies and bankruptcy proceedings you mean the incident with the zix VAC antenna curled inward the battle hyns a collective shudder ran through the assembled mercenaries even the station's AI dimmed its ambient lighting as if trying to distance itself from the conversation
that's the one crical confirmed pulling up yet another set of footage that nobody really wanted to see but couldn't help watching though the humans insist on calling it operation dropping beats and taking streets the hollow screen flickered to life showing what appeared to be a standard Urban pacification operation standard that is until the human Special Forces arrived for context KX tall explained the Nexus 9 mining colony had been taken over by a particularly aggressive sect of quantum scale Engineers they had developed a theoretical immunity to Conventional psychological warfare theoretical being the operative word of rx's
Commander rumbled from their environmental tank exactly kall chittered because nobody's theoretical models accounted for humans turning psychological warfare into well this the footage showed human operators advancing through the colony streets their powered Armor's external speakers blasting what their databases identified as workout music each Squad had apparently been allowed to choose their own theme song Squad three this is command your music selection is causing seismic disturbances sorry command can't hear you over how awesome we are bass drops followed by explosions time to the beat they synchronized their assault pattern to the music zix vac explained to
a horrified group of newly arrived mercenaries they called it tactical Rhythm optimization that's not even the worst part kraal added show them the footage from the Central Plaza the hollow screen shifted to show a squad of human operators who had apparently decided that their assault on the colony's main Administrative Building needed what they called a proper soundtrack they had somehow rigged the colony's emergency broadcast system to play something they referred to as boss battle music Jenkins what the hell is K-pop doing in our tactical playlist cultural Victory Sarge they can't fight if they're too busy
trying to figure out the choreography Fair Point sync up the breaching charges to the chorus the footage showed the quantum Engineers defensive formations breaking down as they tried to process the sight of human Special Forces operators conducting room clearing operations while perfectly synchronized to what appeared to be elaborate dance music but here's where it gets really interesting kistel continued his mandibles clicking rapidly the quantum Engineers operating on probability matrices couldn't process the apparent randomness of human combat tactics combined with choreographed movement patterns their cognitive Frameworks literally crashed they tried to calculate the Tactical advantage of
backflips zix vac added solemnly that was their first mistake the footage showed the aftermath Quantum Engineers either surrendering on mass or joining what they called the rhythm of tactical Enlightenment several could be seen attempting to replicate human combat dance moves within three Cycles kraal explained the entire colony had developed what they called groove-based combat Doctrine they formed a new religion around it something about achieving tactical super superiority through synchronized movement and appropriate background music the humans encouraged this a newly arrived hi mind representative buzzed in disbelief encouraged it they offered Advanced courses called it cultural
Victory alternative approaches to combat resolution they even published a manual bass drops and hotpots a comprehensive guide to Rhythm enhanced Urban Warfare the footage shifted to show human instructors teaching former Quantum Engineers the finer points of what they called tactical dancing the engineers had apparently developed complex mathematical formulas to optimize their movements for maximum style points remember people if you're not having fun you're not doing it right but what's the Tactical advantage of a spin move looking awesome is the Tactical Advantage the really concerning part zix vac noted is how effective it was the colony's
productivity increased by 300% after they adopted what they called groove-based optimization protocols humans weaponized dance music kurar xall chittered in disbelief they turned psychological warfare into a party and somehow it worked better than conventional methods the quantum Engineers now require all security Personnel to achieve what they call sick moves certification before deployment the assembled mercenaries watched as the footage showed the colony's current State Quantum Engineers conducting their probability calculations through elaborate dance moves security teams training to what humans called beats per minute optimization and former insurgents arguing about playlist selection for their patrol routes they've
started hosting competitions zix added something called so you think you can fight the humans judge them on both combat Effectiveness and quote style points and the worst part kxl's anten I drooped other colonies are starting to adopt the practice there's talk of making it an official combat Doctrine the humans are calling it The Great Groove Revolution the footage showed a graduation ceremony for the first class of Rhythm combat Specialists complete with what the humans called a tactical Dance Off The quantum Engineers had apparently calculated that adding back flips to standard combat Maneuvers increased their effectiveness
by exactly 43.7% this is why I don't take contracts involving humans anymore correx tall concluded because who looks at a hostile Quantum engineering Collective and thinks you know what this situation needs a dance battle but it worked someone pointed out that's exactly the problem everything they do Works no matter how insane it seems they turned combat operations into a choreographed performance art and now there's a whole religion based on achieving tactical Supremacy through Superior dance moves the mercenary Lounge fell into contemplative silence broken only by the distant sound of Base Heavy Music from the station's
human quarter several mercen nervously adjusted their combat loadouts to include what humans called Swagger enhancement modules I heard zix vac said quietly that they're developing something called tactical rap battles for diplomatic negotiations the mass Exodus from the lounge set a new speed record later when updating the mercenary guilds advisory documents again cor xal added another warning if human Special Forces start playing music during combat operations do not attempt to calculate the Tactical advantage of their movements there isn't one they just think it looks cool and somehow that makes it work the advisory was approved before
he even finished writing it because if there's one thing the Galaxy's mercenary Community had learned it was this the only thing more dangerous than human Special Forces having fun was human Special Forces starting a trend and everything they did started a trend meanwhile in a classified human special forces training facility sir the Quantum Engineers are requesting Advanced courses in something they're calling probability enhanced break dancing approved but tell them the spin moves need more Pizzaz yes sir should I add tactical choreography to the standard training curriculum better make it mandatory can't have our operators falling
behind in the dance combat arms race we accidentally started sir about that several other species are requesting training in rhythm-based Warfare well you know what they say lieutenant what's that sir the groove must flow the resulting laughter echoed through the facility causing several Quantum probability matrices in the vicinity to spontaneously rewrite themselves to include dance moves just another day in human Special Forces I swear by all Quantum probabilities the veteran dravic Commander declared their crystalline form vibrating with poorly suppressed emotion this is the absolute last time I underestimate Human Social protocols the mercenary Lounge of
station 7 Echo had become something of an unofficial support group for those who had encountered human Special Forces today's session was particularly well attended given the recent events in the Epsilon sector let me guess KX chittered already pulling up his ever growing database of human tactical absurdities you encountered their new diplomatic integration Specialists is that what they're calling them now the drax's crystallin structure flickered with What Might Have Been PTSD we called them the tea team a ripple of understanding passed through the assembled mercenaries even the station's cleaning drones seemed to pause in sympathy oh
no zixx antenni curled in recognition you got the full British Specialty Service treatment didn't you the dravic commander crystals chimed in affirmation we thought we had them cornered our forces had surrounded their position in the Diplomatic quarter we demanded their surrender and they a pause they invited us in for tea classic bsts move KX tall nodded sagely bringing up the footage show us what happened the hollow screen flickered to life displaying what started as a standard Urban containment operation standard that is until the humans deployed what they cheerfully called tactical Hospitality I say chaps these
fellows seem rather tense Jenkins break out the earl gray the combat blend sir of course and do remember the proper China we're not savages the footage showed human operators in full combat gear meticulously setting up what they referred to as a property service in the middle of an active combat zone They had somehow managed to include doilies at first we thought it was a trick the dravic commander continued some new form of psychological warfare then they started discussing the proper way to hold a teacup while wearing powered armor remember everyone pinky out it's in the
manual sir which manual is that exactly Advanced combat etiquette chapter 3 tea time tactics the footage showed increasingly confused dravic forces watching as human operators debated the Tactical advantages of different T Blends while simultaneously maintaining perfect combat Readiness but that's not even the worst part the Commander's crystals chimed distressingly they had scones combat grade scones zvac asked sympathetically with tactical clotted cream the commander confirmed they insisted there was a prop way to apply it had a whole briefing about it called it operation Jam first CarX tells mandibles clicked and understanding ah you got the full
Cornwall versus Devon tactical Doctrine demonstration the footage showed human operators engaging in what appeared to be a heated debate about proper scone preparation while casually disarming explosive devices and maintaining defensive positions with all due respect sir the devire method provides Superior tactical coverage that's dangerously close to insubordination Jenkins everyone knows Jam first is the superior approach perhaps we should consult the Queen's Royal combat catering core manual they had an actual manual for this a newly arrived Quantum Hive representative buzzed in disbelief they have manuals for everything kkal explained this one's called tactical t- service a
comprehensive guide to combat catering complete with sections on emergency doily deployment and proper pinky positioning Under Fire the footage continued showing the dravic forces gradually being drawn into what the humans called aggressive Hospitality several Crystal Warriors could be seen awkwardly attempting to hold teacups with their energy manipulators they insisted on proper introductions the commander continued their crystalline structure flickering with the memory full titles unit designations preferred te varieties they had dossier on everyone's tea preferences that would be their Intelligence Division zix vac noted I heard they have a whole department dedicated to what they call
tactical social engineering the footage showed human operators conducting what they called synchronized t- service with military Precision they had apparently developed specific protocols for every possible social scenario including proper combat te etiquette for multiple species Jenkins the Drax Commander crystals are looking a bit dull offer them the Special Blend the classified one sir indeed and do remember the proper serving temperature for in life forms we're not barbarians within 3 hours the dravic commander recalled they had turned our containment operation into what they called a proper afternoon tactical tea session complete with discussion groups about optimal
scone preparation techniques but did you actually drink the tea carar xall asked carefully of course we did they had specific Blends optimized for crystallin biology do you know how rare that is they called it their special force selection said it was a closely guarded secret of their combat culinary core the footage showed the aftermath dravic forces and human operators engaged in what appeared to be a highly civilized discussion about proper te- service protocols while maintaining full combat Readiness several Crystal Warriors had adapted their energy fields to better hold the tiny cups by the end of
the day the Commander's crystals chimed resignedly we had signed three trade agreements established a cultural Exchange program and agreed to host monthly tea ceremonies they called it operation Steep and keep building better relations through Superior tea service and the scone dispute zix vac inquired ongoing they've established a joint human dravic research committee to study optimal topping application sequences the humans call it the Strategic scone initiative the assembled mercenaries watched as the footage showed current conditions in the Epsilon sector regular tea ceremonies between human and dravic forces complete with what the humans called tactical doily deployment
and heated debates about proper scone preparation they've started certification courses the commander added something called Advanced combat Hospitality the humans are training our forces in what they call tactical politeness this is why I don't take contracts involving humans anymore kxol concluded because who looks at a military standoff and thinks you know what this needs properly sered tea in a debate about scones but it worked someone pointed out that's the problem everything they do Works they turned combat operations into a social event and now we have joint training exercises in tactical te- service the mercenary Lounge
fell into contemplative silence broken only by the distant sound of China clinking from the station's human quarter several mercenaries discreetly adjusted their loadouts to include what humans called emergency Hospitality kits later when updating the mercenary Guild's advisory documents yet again kxol added another warning if human Special Forces offer you tea accept it their hospitality is as tactically precise as their combat operations and refusing could lead to what they call aggressive tea deployment The Advisory was approved before the tea could cool because if there's one thing the Galaxy's mercenary Community had learned it was this the
only thing more dangerous than human special forces in combat was human special forces being polite and they were always always is polite meanwhile at a classified human special forces training facility sir the dravic are requesting Advanced courses in what they're calling tactical etiquette approved but tell them the doily deployment still needs work yes sir should I add combat catering 101 to the standard curriculum better make it mandatory can't have our operators serving te without proper tactical consideration sir about that several other species are requesting training in advanced Hospitality Warfare well you know what they say
lieutenant what's that sir the tea must flow the resulting laughter echoed through the facility causing several nearby T sets to rattle in sympathy just another day in human Special Forces
