7 Must Know Signs of Grooming by a Sexual Predator

before I even Define what grooming is or get into this information in more detail I want you to know that grooming does not occur in all child sexual abuse cases and also it doesn't only happen in children this can happen to us at any age and I just want you to hear that first before I go into the seven stages of grooming now to Define what grooming is if any of you thinking it has something to do with hair that is not the case what grooming is is the process by which a sexual predator gains

the trust of a child or their family in order to start a sexual relationship with a child in secret and there are many stages to grooming and honestly everything I read had similar steps but some broken into 10 stages some to 12 some to four and so throughout all of the reading and research that I did I came up with seven stages of grooming that I think are important and kind of show you the process through which someone gains our trust and uses that against us to do harm also know that not everyone's going to

go through through each one of these stages and that doesn't make your situation not valid or anything like that these are just some of the common stages but everyone's process and everyone's experience is going to be different the first stage of grooming is identifying the victim as a sexual predator they could pick this based on the age or the way a child or teen or adult looks or it could even just be vulnerable traits it could be that the parents aren't around it could be that we have really low self-esteem or have just moved there

and are trying to make friends there could be a lot of different reasons and ways that they identify a victim and the second stage is gaining trust and access and I don't want you to think that when someone's trying to gain our trust or access to us that it's going to be done in an overt fashion often the sexual predators are very swaave and smooth and may just offer a helping hand like oh I'll help put your bag in the bus for you I'll help your mom load up the soccer balls from the soccer game

or oh I'll come over and help to you for that they'll try to do small things that seem quote unquote normal in relationships as a way to gain your trust and so know that this isn't an overt action this isn't something that we may notice right away but it's done as a way to help our parents trust them if we're a child and that's how they gain access to us or have us trust them so that they're like a normal adult in our you know unit whether it's our family and extended family and friends we

think of them in a very trusting and normal fashion the third stage is becoming important to the child or adult and giving them something that they need this could be through manipulation by telling the person that they're the only one that understands them and they're the only one that can help them this could also be with children they find they give them a lot of gifts um maybe it's money to go get candy maybe it's a toy that they couldn't get otherwise or certain equipment they needed for sports that their parents couldn't afford they'll try

to give them something or become so important and necessary in in this person's life that they feel like they can't live without them or that they need to keep them around the fourth stage is they will begin isolating you meaning that they may offer you a ride home let's say it's a child that we're talking about and their parents always like to pick them up from school they'll offer to call the parent and take them home instead or if you're an adult they may say oh I'll walk you home it's really late that's kind of

scary I'd rather be with you and they do this so that you are obviously isolated you're with them and you're more vulnerable able in those positions so just be cautious about who you spend time with when there's no one else around the fifth stage is they'll begin creating secrecy around the relationship this could be anything from no one would understand what you're going through or I wouldn't tell anybody that they'll start to think that you're weird or odd or crazy or that something's wrong with you they may also threaten to harm themselves or a pet

or someone else that you love in your life if you shared any of the private information you've talked about or the relationship as a whole they'll threaten harm or revealing Secrets as a way to keep you tied to the relationship the sixth stage is sexualizing the relationship and just like we talked about before when it comes to gaining trust this won't always be done in an overt way at the beginning but even the smallest thing like putting an arm over the shoulder may give the Predator some kind of sexual gratification and these first stages of

sexualizing the relationship could just be putting a hand on the knee rubbing them on the back you know linking arms and walking together could be things that we don't consider to be sexualized but the Predator is taking it that way they will also set up scenarios where it's normal to be naked around one another such as getting ready to go swimming or being in a locker room and changing before after a game or even going to a spa they'll set up these types of scenarios so that you become desensitized to being naked around them because

you don't think it's something that makes you vulnerable or is dangerous in the last portion of this stage if this is is a child that is the victim they will play on a normal child's Curiosities and questions about the body and use that to further the sexual relationship and move it into actual sexual touch and the seventh and final stage of grooming is controlling the relationship because once the sexual abuse is happening all of the things that they've set up they'll use that as leverage to keep us held in that relationship whether it's Financial remember

I said they might buy us gifts or give us things we couldn't otherwise get for ourselves it could be that they have more power over us because they're a boss or a teacher or someone in our life who can you know harm us in such a way it could also be emotional support remember they they're telling us that they're the only ones that can understand us and everybody else will thinks something's wrong with us they've tried to keep everything we do together a secret and because of all of that swirling around there can be so

much shame associated with this because at this point the person who's been groomed feels like they're unlovable or that they should be embarrassed and they brought this on themselves but I want you to know that that is not the case all of these different stages are stages of manipulation and stages of abuse and know that if you have found yourself in a situation like this you didn't ask for it you are not to blame nothing that happened is your fault we find the best way to process through this shame and to heal from the abuse

and grooming is to find a therapist who can help we also find groups to be really really healing because often we think we're the only one it was our fault we brought it on ourselves but to hear other people sharing their stories and experience it can be really healing because we realize that we aren't alone that it's not our fault and that other people have gotten through it as well another reason that therapy can be so healing is that we are able to offer an objective perspective a different view into what's gone on because like

I said back in those stages we were talking about that they control the relationship to such a way that we don't even think that anybody else will think differently than what our abuser told us but the truth is that what they told you was all a lie and so having someone else come in and be able to talk to you about it in an honest fashion give an objective perspective can allow us to finally realize that it's not our fault and that we're not to blame and we can start that healing process another way that

therapy can help us heal from this is by teaching us ways to practice self-love and self-care often when someone has taken so much from us it's hard for us us to come back and feel good about who we are and know how to give ourselves the things that we need and working with a therapist who understands abuse understands grooming can be really beneficial because they'll give us the tools that we need in the moment to self soothe to practice self-care when it's needed most and know that we are valuable and people do care about us

I hope that just sheds a little light on what grooming is the more we talk about this the less likely it is to happen if you see a situation unfolding that looks a little off and you have concerns please speak up if you are in any one of these stages know that you're not alone please reach out talk to someone tell someone trust me whatever that predator or abuser is saying is not true you have a voice use it you're important and you're lovable and other people care about you and want the best for you

don't listen to that garbage you are worthy please reach out trust me it can get better and also share in the comments if I missed things if there are other things that you've been through or things that helped you or types of therapy you found to be the most beneficial let us know because together we can stop this from happening to another person and I will see you next time