Mar-a-Lago. Donald speaking. Bonjour.
Prime Minister Trudeau here, officially calling to congratulate President Trump on his victory. One moment please. I’ll see if he's here because he's a tremendously busy doing big things.
Very big things. The biggest, I’m told. Please hold.
Hello. Former and future President Trump here, who’s calling? Mr President, it's Justin.
Justin who? Justin Trudeau, you know, handsome, cool socks, brownface. Need more.
The Canadian Prime Minister. Please hold. Okay, Justin, make it quick.
Lot of big time leaders calling to congratulate me. The president of Italy, the Pope, is calling. And I'm expecting a call from the prime minister of Liechtenstein.
So, start licking my stein. I'm calling to congratulate you on behalf of the Canadian people. I mean, mostly the ones that don't like me, but we're neighbours.
We should act like that. We could get an American beer together, or as we call it, water. We're gonna hurt you so bad.
We really are. I'm going to make your soft wood very hard for you. And I'm going to make the cars very tarriffy.
And we're gonna deport all the Ryans and buy all the hockey teams and we’re gonna drain the Falls on day one. Bad bye! Wait, wait.
Monsieur President! I actually called for a different reason, I can't believe I'm saying this-- I need your help. Look, no one likes me.
Everybody hates me. But that never stopped you. Now tell me, how do you do it?
Let me tell you, I was defeated, I was hated, I was convicted, I was fined, broke, mocked and shot. But I stayed true to who I was. An orange, miserable, small-handed monster.
And eventually, people's standards lowered to the point that I could walk right over them. Okay, so you're saying there's a chance. Oh, no, not for you.
You're screwed. Even I can see that and I'm completely out of my mind. That’s President Pope on the other line, I gotta go.
Well, au revoir. Oh, wait, wait. Justin.
There is one thing you can do for me. Yes? What is it, sir?
A selfie? A state visit? A non-judgmental cuddle?
Do you have Pierre Poilievre’s number? Oh, hang on a sec. Hello?
Oh, yes, Your Holiness. I'll see if I can find him. Please hold.
