How Loneliness Makes Men More Addicted

so many men out there are starved for any kind of attention any kind of affection any kind of human contact and it's like if you feed a cat the cat will come back if you're kind to a man the man will come back just like an animal because we don't have love we don't have friendship we don't have touch we don't have respect we don't have kindness we don't have compassion so anytime someone gives us just a little bit of uh uh kindness and a compassion we latch on to them today we're going to talk

about the root of addiction and there's been an explosion of Neuroscience and psychiatric research all on addictions we're seeing a rise in behavioral addictions like video game addiction pornography addiction and we're also seeing an increase in substance use disorders like alcoholism and especially things like marijuana use we're breeding strains of marijuana that are higher potency in THC and therefore appear to have more addictive effects but even though there's all of this research in all these Neuroscience circuits and sort of advanced things about neurotransmitters and receptors it turns out that the root of addiction is far

simpler than that the root of addiction is isolation and the antidote to addiction is actually connection so there's a great Ted talk about this where someone talks about this experiment where there's a rat who's in this cage and in the cage they can have some cocaine so they press a lever and they get some cocaine and what we sort of find is that when they're stuck in this cage and then there's this cocaine kind of sitting in front of them what they end up doing is using so much cocaine that they'll induce a heart attack

and die boom cocaine is is addictive but if you look at more clear research a little bit research that's a little bit more well-crafted what we begin to realize is that the dependency of the rat on the cocaine depends on the rat's environment depends on the other kinds of stimulation the rat has and most importantly depends on the presence of other rats two of the biggest problems I see in our community are that people have fallen behind in Life or they're burnt out and looking to make a career pivot and we of for a lot

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right fit for you use the link in the description below to get 30% off valid on all of their programs now what I've seen as a psychiatrist working primarily in addiction is anytime I'm working with someone with an addiction sure there's neurotransmitter stuff going on there's trauma stuff going on there's brain circuitry stuff going on but undoubtedly in these lives of the people who are struggling with these addictions there's something empty and missing there's a lack of motivation there's a lack of purpose most often there's a lack of connection and the more that I work

with these people the more that I realize that the lack of motivation and purpose is also due to a lack of connection so when I work with patients for example that have dealt with addictions even on their own and I ask them oh you've been drinking alcohol for 15 years how were you able to stop the answers are things like well I had a 2-year-old kid and I realized one day that enough was enough and I had to stop drinking because I have a 2-year-old now and I can't be doing that I can't have have

a a dad who's hung over I can't be drunk when they're sort of you know wanting to play with me and things like that this was unacceptable so they were able to attain sobriety on their own without clinical help I was meeting with them for other reasons but still if you tunnel down into what is driving this it is a relationship with another human being and if we look at sort of what motivates us what make gives us purpose in life purpose is rarely found in isolation so you could argue that my purpose is to

help this generation with their mental health that's still still about other people there are people whose purpose it is in life to develop renewable energy and what's that for that's for the benefit of humanity so even a lot of our motivation our purpose you know we'll get particular jobs to make our spouses happy we want to make sacrifices for the people that we love and so in the absence of these connections we are empty inside and when we are empty inside addiction comes in and fills the Gap addictions give us a reason to wake up

in the morning addictions give us a reason to look forward to the weekend addictions take literally the numbness and emptiness that we feel and fill it with some kind of joy and so the research predominantly states that the solution to addiction is actually connection and we've seen that historically because what is the historically most effective route for people who are addicted to a substance to become sober it's something called Alcoholics Anonymous and what is Alcoholics Anonymous about right what do they actually do do they teach people principles of Neuroscience do they do cognitive behavioral therapy

no none of those things it's about connection we show up every week together and we just share stories about our struggle we don't even try to help each other out we don't give each other answers we don't give each other advice we just share our experiences it's about having a sponsor someone you can call 24 hours of the day 7 days a week they're not even a me a trained mental health professional but they are available for you to form a connection and sponsors have done more good in this world than probably any other group

out there and so we see that connection that is fostered through community support through things like sponsors people who are available to you when you are struggling has good outcomes when it comes to addiction and that's because the human mind is the only organ of the body that requires things outside of itself to be healthy right in order for my heart health I have to exercise and I have to eat right in order for my gut health I can take prob probiotics I can eat kimchi I can eat right I can make sure that I

poop in the appropriate squatting position there are all kinds of things that I can do to help my muscles help my bones help my organs but the mind is the only organ that you can't fix on your own because the mind requires human contact and so if we sort of say Okay connection is the antidote to addiction and that isolation and emptiness are the roots of addiction then it would follow that if there is a vulnerable population to isolation and the lack of connection that this population would be more prone to addiction and that's exactly

what we see so men are more likely three to four times more likely to get develop an addiction than women and if we sort of look at the roots of What Men really struggle with today it's about isolation and a lack of connection so we even see large scale demographic and epidemiologic data to support this idea that if one group struggles to connect and we'll talk about why that is in a second that this group is more vulnerable to addiction and that's exactly what we see now let's talk for a second about why men are

more likely to get addicted so this was something that I shared publicly I talked a little bit about how men struggle with isolation and loneliness and by the way this problem is changing very quickly and the Surgeon General of the United States recently released a report on isolation and loneliness where it seems like women actually feel more isolated and lonely in today's society than men do and I think what we're going to see as a consequence of that is in 5 to 10 years the rates of addiction between men and women are going to even

out but going back to why are men struggling to have connection so I did something silly which is I talked about this on a podcast and I said part of the the problem that men really face is that they struggle with isolation and and connection because men are faced in a in a society today where there are historically and even today there are predatory men and one out of three three women has been sexually assaulted and I want yall to really think about this for a second how large this number is so if we take

our standard family of Grandmother mother daughter one of one person in that nuclear family has been sexually assaulted so this isn't like oh my second cousin has been sexually assaulted oh this one girl I knew got sexually assaulted this is literally statistically within just about every household in the world and in the United States chances are one person has been sexually assaulted but between your grandma your mom and if you're a girl you one of y'all has been sexually assaulted if you've got two sisters chances are one of the three y'all will get sexually assaulted

in your lifetime so this is a incredibly common problem so what ends up happening is that women are afraid of men and one of the problems that I sort of emphasized is that like I I think the problem in the world today is that men can't fix their own loneliness right so this is the problem is that loneliness is the one thing that I can't develop a protocol to fix like I can't take more test testosterone or meditate more or do more yoga or hit the gym more there's nothing I can do to fix my

own loneliness loneliness is something that someone else has to do for you someone else has to extend a kind hand to you now I mentioned this and then something very interesting happened so I heard something on a podcast that shifted my reality some men go months without being hugged the guest said men can't solve loneliness touch starvation or isolation on their own unless everyone who's listening to this goes out and hugs a man no one will the second I heard this I kid you not I decided to hug as many people as possible at the

weekly event I host especially men I feel subtle resistance towards when I meet them for the first time you know that flickering moment when your gut Whispers I don't want to hug this person and you shake your hand their hand instead or avoid contact entirely I push past that moment of resistance and try to greet them like a good friend but if I have because if I have such an open heart and spirit and even if I don't want to hug this person who will I'll never know if I'm making a difference with this small

seconds long gesture but I can rest easier knowing that the men in my space don't go months without a hug which seriously made me tear up when I first heard it we talk a lot about the loneliness crisis so what if we all decide to play a small play a role in making small seconds long gestures towards a Kinder and more connected World it really can be as simple as hugging people more freely so this person started hugging people so now we get to the second resp response right so especially men I feel subtle resistance

towards when I meet them for the first time you know that flickering moment when your gut Whispers I don't want to hug this person you shake your hand avoid contact grooming let women have boundaries right so here is a human being who said oh my goodness there are lonely people in the world let me try to do a small kindness and like the second tweet is like accusing of grooming right so I'mma hug the homies a little more often now awesome I think you should do that please do if one person hugs men more often

because of this tweet we win I completely agree okay I have had the exact attitude as you but I learned the hard way that you have to be very careful about becoming someone's emotional crutch fair enough right there was a survey of prisoners that the number one thing they said they missed the most was simply being hugged I think many kids 8 to 16 don't get touched much and leads to many problems I completely agree also this is why dogs are really good to live with and they demand touching they also increase lifespan and improve

mental health outcomes okay right I still feel the couple hugs I had in high school the last hug I had was a fling a couple of years ago and before that it was a dude I used to work with back in 2020 when we knew we'd never work with each other again didn't realize hugging was a casual thing people just did with each other until I was 22 plus that's what 40K hours of gaming and internet addiction since 10 does to you okay you know this person goes out there and says I'm going to try

to start hugging people because like people need hugs and the internet like I didn't share most of the negative comments but like at the very beginning people are like wow this is like so great thank you for doing this you know I haven't had a hug since 2020 and then people start coming out of the woodwork right they're like oh my God you're ignoring your instincts like that's grooming so people will start like saying like oh like it's not your responsibility like why can't men hug each other we'll get to that in a second right

so it's their problem men have this problem it's their problem they should deal with it it's not our responsibility women have been made responsible for men's problems for long enough and by the way that's a fair argument these people are not wrong right let's be subtle let's be nuanced let's be critical thinkers so I loved the response that this person had to the person who was like this is going to result in grooming so this is so beautiful right so hi Serena thank you for sharing your respect uh perspective to be clear I do not

want anyone especially women to ignore their Intuition or interact with people who feel unsafe I do not want anyone to hug touch or even talk to strangers who feel unsafe I do not hug random strangers and Men Who feel up unsafe now this is the truly brilliant part what I didn't explain thoroughly because this is Twitter because my tweets T typically go to a smaller audience who is familiar with my work in my weekly event a community walk for Meaningful conversations is that I'm not overriding my intuitive voice in these scenarios the men I'm hugging

at my event do not feel unsafe to me but are rather just socially awkward Andor anxious while attending the event for the first time I've noticed and this is brilliant Neuroscience by the way I've noticed that when someone new shows up at my event with heavy social awkwardness men and women but especially men that energy boomerangs to me and despite me being very friendly by Nature I hold off on hugging or handshaking them my intuitive voice does not say danger it says oh gez this is really awkward and I'd rather not encourage them to come

back by being welcoming so I withhold the shake or the hug okay to be honest my behavior here makes me really sad because I've seen after hosting 104 events that socially awkward people are almost always good people with good Hearts they don't realize how they're coming across and they consistently get ignored or dismissed this is what compassion is ladies and gentlemen and everything in between I don't want to treat them differently because they're a awkward the podcast episode that inspired my tweet made me realize my bias months ago blah blah blah especially men because what

I learned in the podc podcast but I also push past that same awkward resistance with women now we're going to talk about this okay so like there's one more response I know I'm just like reading Twitter stuff but like this is honestly like this is what happens I think this is what we really need to understand at first people said I'm going to hug the homies more and retweeted with gratitude and then negative replies poured in after one person with a large following quote tweeted me in all caps and said grooming after that one tweet

the insults began you're welcome to read them they say I have no survival instincts and I'm foolish for ignoring my intuition and that I will be violated for hugging men right at the weekly walk I I host at 8:00 a.m. surrounded by 50 plus book good people and that I a pick me who's doing emotional labor for hugging men because they can just hug each other instead to be honest with you I wrote this tweet before I went to bed and then this is what I really want youall to pay attention to there are a

lot of things that I I I I could dive into because it's a case study and how we all project our own emotions and experiences onto other people's words but I'm going to focus on comments that accused me of putting women in danger for suggesting that they should hug stranger stranger men so this is really important the most interesting thing about this I never said it reread my tweet I never once said that women or suggested that women should hug stranger Med I also never said the words hug stranger men yet because I am a

woman who wrote about my personal decision to and this is a direct quote from the Tweet hug as many people as possible at my weekly Community event people invented the claim and then started in insulting me for it this person never said hey it is our responsibility as women to hug men this person never said hey you should ignore all of the danger signals and put yourself in danger this person never actually said any of those things but this is how we respond to the situation the person said hey I've realized there's loneliness going on

I'm going to try to hug as many people as possible this person also examined their intuition and this this is something I'll say as a psychiatrist so you should trust your intuition but is intuition logical correctness by definition no intuition is the thing that human beings get wrong the most right because it is not a critical thinking it is a instinctive response and the more that you've been traumatized if you've been abused your intuition is that other people are better than you your intuition is that you're in danger all the time your intuition is that

you can't trust other people if you've been cheated on your intuition is that the next person will will cheat on you so it's not that intuition should not be taken seriously but intuition literally in my day job as a psychiatrist the thing that I work on the most with my patients is to critically examine their intuition and when this person critically examines their intuition what they discover is a really interesting principle which is when someone shows up and is socially awkward the more social you are the more fine-tuned your empathic circuitry is the more fine-tuned

your empathic circuitry is the more you share their awkwardness right so if I have a socially awkward person with another socially awkward person this actually works out this is why we have magic the Gathering tournaments that are very successful because no one [ __ ] is socially aware right so no insult to the magic they got in community I'm more talking about myself when I participated in them okay but the problem is that if you're if you're socially awkward and you're socially inept you can't read other people's signals if you're socially Adept you can read

other people's signals and you feel what other people feel right you share their sadness you share their joy and you share their social awkwardness so when someone shows up and feels socially awkward you receive that socially awkwardness you start to feel like oh my God this is scary and you push them away and they push you away and this is what happens this person did the brilliant and compassionate thing to examine their Instinct and think about it critically instead of projecting all of these things onto it and as a result they've started hugging more people

I sincerely hope they stay safe now a lot of people out there have said oh like this isn't your responsibility as a woman fair enough right so I'd say it is human being's responsibility to help human beings let's remove gender from the equation and there's a great example of this right now right now in the United States there's a a lot of restriction on women's Reproductive Rights this is not a women's issue right so organizations like the American Medical Association are like hey this is bad this is not a I mean it affects women but

I view this as a human issue human beings should have Reproductive Rights right so we all of the male doctors all of the female doctors everyone should fight for this safety for all human beings even though it predominantly affects one gender right that's how it should work we should all be helping each other instead of having each gender solve their problems in isolation that's how it works right so when we liberated the slaves in the United States a lot of white people helped out right we went to war for that when there was women's rights

and civil rights like we had a lot of white people we had a lot of men like who are helping out that's what it takes when we want prog progress in society we cannot place the burden of progress just on one demographic the whole point is we should all be helping each other out now we still have to think critically about some of these negative responses and let's dive into them and think about them a little bit more right so I think it's completely reason I've worked with plenty of patients who have been sexually assaulted

things harassed things like that so they are skeptical about men fair enough there's this whole like man versus bear thing in the forest and like we like this is a fair way to look at the world I think it's not going to work if someone tries to be kind and compassionate and safe and examine themselves and extend a helping hand when the rest of the internet is like screw you stop what you're doing right so that is bad so when one person is trying to make a positive change in the world I think we we

should do our best to try to support that person now there's one really great argument here which is like why don't men hug each other right and so people would you know there's that one statistic I don't know if it's true or not but that if you look back and and what do prisoners miss the most it's hugs but they can hug each other there's a bunch of prisoners there why don't men hug each other very simple because we've been taught not to we've been conditioned we've been punished right and this may sound so crazy

but we have this phrase if you're a dude you know the phrase it's no homo why do we have this phrase why do we need to say isn't it clear when I hug you that this is not a homosexual activity we're not playing swords it's not like we're naked and kissing and engaging in sexual relations I'm hugging you that's all I'm doing all of our clothes are on and yet we say no homo when a boy touches another boy when I was growing up if you hug or you kiss you get made fun of you

get bullied you get punished even teachers and adults will tell you that's not appropriate even if you have like my dad right so I remember when I was 18y old 18 years old I got really sick and my Dad held me because I had fever and we were in a place where there were no blankets so he held me I got held by my dad when I was 18 years old I can't I couldn't remember the last time he held me literally I have one memory of my dad holding me and it was I when

I was 18 years old so this is the way that we've been conditioned we've been taught not to touch each other we've been punished for touching each other and the worst cases of this that I've ever seen are actually male teachers so male teachers you know like sometimes you have a kid that wants to cry and when they cry your instinct when there is a crying child is to hug them unless you're a man if I'm A 42-year-old man at a playground and I hug some someone else's child especially a boy no no no no

no that's how a pedophile is born that's how the accusations of a pedophile is born I've literally talked to a teacher who was you know a great teacher English literature teacher had a a a student come into his office one day because they trusted this teacher this student is gifted and so she's this student is getting bullied and so of course like the the Natural Instinct this is someone that you care about I'd even say that this teacher loves his students really fantastic teacher can't hug her can't hug can't touch men can't touch anyone because

we're creeps because we're groomers because you'd rather have a bear in the forest than us so even some kind of remotely kind or touching gesture gets punished that's why you guys say like okay why don't youall hug each other well just answer that right it seems like such a simple thing why don't we hug each other like such a simple thing what would have to happen to a race of people to not be able to hug each other a lot is the answer and this is why men don't hug men should this change absolutely are

we trying to make it change absolutely that's why I talk about things like this so I think if you feel comfortable hugging someone you should feel comfortable now there's another elephant in the room that we need to address because we as men need to learn something else so when a woman is kind to us and they give us some give us some kind of kindness unfortunately so many men out there are starved for any kind of attention any kind of affection any kind of human contact we are so hungry in so many ways and it's

like if you feed a cat the cat will come back right that's what cats do if you're kind to a man the man will come back just like an animal we are so starve for this stuff that we'll come back to you like an animal we'll lose control because we don't have love we don't have friendship we don't have touch we don't have respect we don't have kindness we don't have compassion so anytime someone gives us just a little bit of a a kindness and a compassion we latch on to them we're like Sailors lost

in the ocean that grab some bit of wood and then we're Never Letting Go for for dear life now this creates a problem because when we exhibit behaviors like this we end up not respecting other people's boundaries which is not okay so we as men need to learn something about how to handle this so we're going to teach yall a couple of techniques so on the one what I would love to do is if people started hugging people more now the problem is that when people do that sometimes it ends up unsafe so we if

we want people to hug us and we want to reward that behavior we don't want to creep people out we don't want to violate boundaries we need to understand why we end up doing that and what we can do to change it so the first thing is if you're a dude and a woman is kind to you treat them like a human not like a romantic partner right so if romance is there it'll float to the surface eventually or you'll realize it years later because you were oblivious fair enough that's a good price to pay

in my book the first thing is treat them as humans second thing is recognize that not all kindness is indicative of lust okay that's how it is third thing we should respect boundaries so let's say you know you're like a gamer on the internet and you are playing a a video game where there's voice coms and there is a girl on your team so obviously don't be toxic to them but secondly don't be overly nice to them don't friend them afterward don't DM them all the time don't say like hey like you know like just

they're just like any other gamer treat them like any other gamer if they play like [ __ ] flame them right doesn't have to be a gender-based flame you can flame them for their shitty play right if you're going to be toxic equal toxicity don't give them special treatment don't stay attached to them now this is what's really tricky is when someone who is starved for kindness receives kindness from another human being there's a tendency to latch on because we as human beings our minds require connection right it's something that we need for survival so

when someone offers us connection just like hunger or thirst we latch on to them so now what we're going to do is teach y'all a technique to not latch on okay so receive their kindness and then we don't want to escalate things if they offer another kindness that's fine and then the Friendship can organically grow but we don't want to sabotage this relationship by running too fast because we're too hungry or thirsty okay so here's what I want youall to do I want yall to express appreci a and gratitude for the person this is a

very powerful psychological technique that I have no scientific papers to site I'm sure I can find some if I looked see anytime a human being does something to us anytime someone does a kindness to us we feel indebted and that feeling of debt is like a kic bind right like this is uneven you did something nice for me I can't let you go until we're even this is a very primitive Circuit of the human brain right so a great example of this is someone compliments you you feel uncomfortable until you do what compliment them back

oh your dress looks so nice oh your shirt looks so nice ah now we're even Stephen now I can walk away but if I don't compliment them back then I feel like really uncomfortable and like stop saying nice things to me an unreciprocated kindness creates some kind of tension within us and then sometimes what we end up doing is we're like oh my God this person is so great they love me they're amazing they're the perfect angel oh my God let me do this and do this and do this and do this that's how we

end up as a nice guys we start investing way more into this relationship than what this person is is willing to give we do more and more and more because we feel indebted because we start to like them we start to create fantasies in our mind don't do that instead do something very simple Express appreciation say Thank you return the favor say hey thank you so much for that hug honestly it's been a rough couple of weeks and I'm so grateful for your kindness right you just say that because what it'll do psychologically I hope

is it'll close that Loop and that's really the thing that keeps us bound it'll it'll help us right there's still all of that other stuff that we may be hungry for but let's close this social Loop a hug is a hug it doesn't need to be anything else and if we look at some of the experiences of women who say hey this is a problem because then you'll become someone's emotional crutch right so we don't want to put people in that situation so when someone is kind to you you don't have to repay the kindness

in kind instead what can work incredibly well is expressing gratitude right I acknowledge what you've done for me thank you so much and even in English we have thank you and what do you say when someone says thank you there is a debt instead you say you're welcome right so this closes the loop we as human beings have this powerful circuitry about like closing the loop and and tying things off and one of the best things that you can do if someone does a kindness to you is simply Express appreciation to them Express gratitude for

them you will feel that debt close off some now if you still have some feeling of debt there I would say go and do something kind for someone else right Pay It Forward don't necessarily focus on this person because the last thing we want to do as touch starved Lonely People is overburden the people who are extending a kind hand right let's acknowledge them let's give them some positive behavioral reinforcement thank you much so much for doing this and then we're going to move on now I know we started talking about addiction and I know

it's weird right because most of the time addiction is like neuroscience and this and that we're going to talk about other reasons why men get addicted why women get addicted you know there are things like men are instrumental problem solvers so just give you all a quick heads up so what that means is that when we feel bad a certain way we fix something in our environment so if you're feeling ashamed of yourself go lift right if you're feeling ashamed of yourself start intermittent fasting do something in the outside world to make yourself feel better

if someone is disappointed in how much money you make make more money that's what we do right as men we taught to be instrumental problem solvers and so the problem with addictions is they are the perfect instrument to solve your problems when I feel bad let me drink alcohol when I feel bad let me have marijuana when I feel bad let me watch pornography I'm going to do something outside of myself that will change something in here and nothing is better than that than a substance but the same drive that we have to make more

money get in shape all of those kinds of things that same drive is what the add takes advantage of because the idea here is that this is a problem in order to solve this I need to change something outside of me I can't sit with this I can't let this go right that's impossible I can't manage this in here I can't change my expectations I can't change my Outlook I can't critically think about the way that people judge me instead I just receive their judgment completely there's all kinds of other stuff that we're going to

get into but if you look at it really at its root addiction is a disease of isolation the the oldest historically successful treatment is an intervention of connection there's no Neuroscience there's none of that Psychiatry no evidence-based anything it's humans working with humans and right now what's going on in our society is we have men that get addicted three to four times as much as women because they're isolated because they have no reason to stop they have no one in their lives who cares about them or no one who is worth the sacrifice and now

we have a real problem cuz we expect men to be independent we expect men to solve their own problems we see it on Twitter right if there's a problem for women no one is saying oh yeah women should fix it on their own I've never seen that maybe in like men's rights activists groups or people who are very resentful I'm sure it's been said somewhere but generally speaking we don't say that we say like hey we should help women I agree we should also help men because the the problem is this is the one problem

we can't solve on our own this is why if you look at things like you know income right so men will outperform women on average on income I think although I'm sure that'll change in the next few years I think everything's even out but the problem is that this is the one problem that requires other human beings isolation is not something you can fix on your own it requires help it requires connection from someone else and that's what I would recommend youall do right because you can't solve all of your own problems but you may

be able to help someone else's and if you do that hopefully the world becomes a better place now on the flip side I think we as dudes need to take responsibility for the lack of control over like giving you know you know attaching and like leeching off of someone else right so we are so starved we can't be like cats and just keep circling back to the same person over and over and over again you'll drive the person crazy so we need some techniques to moderate our feelings it doesn't mean we can fix everything on

our own but if we are asking people outside of us to help bridge the gap to connection fair enough we should still take responsibility for what we can do which is not punish them for their kind with obsessive Behavior so if you're addicted to stuff get connected more importantly you can't get connected because you can't do it on your own if you're addicted to stuff connect to someone else offer someone else kindness right this is the one video where I can't tell you what to do for yourself beyond what I said the majority of this

is what you can do for someone else so even if you're struggling kindness towards another human being compassion towards another human being and get the hell off the internet B [Music]