so let me get this straight Ambassador Rodriguez said pinching the bridge of her nose you're telling me that the entire Galactic Council all 27 species of supposedly Advanced civilizations are having an emergency session because someone left the cargo bay door open the Arian delegates crystallin form flickered in what Rodriguez had learned to recognize as extreme discomfort its Prismatic surfaces caught the light of the council chamber's artificial sun sending rainbow patterns dancing across the walls you misunderstand the gravity of the situation Ambassador the arxan translated voice chimed through the room speakers the void serpent containment facility
on outpost station Delta 9 has experienced what your species might term a workplace safety incident a workplace safety incident Rodriguez repeated flatly because someone didn't follow proper lockout tagout procedures the proper term is catastrophic Containment Breach resulting in the release of approximately 3177 void serpents into the primary shipping lanes of the Orion spur another voice cut in this one belonged to high commander zelk of the maned Confederation their kous mandibles clicking in agitation and before you make light of this situation Ambassador I should remind you that void serpents are Class 12 psychic Predators capable of
capable of inducing Mass hysteria feeding on fear and creating temporal anomalies when they get excited yes I read the briefing packet Rodriguez interrupted waving a hand dismissively what I don't understand is why this requires an emergency session of the full Council don't we have containment protocols for this sort of thing the chamber fell silent 26 alien species representing the most advanced civilizations in known space collectively managed to look sheepish Quite a feat considering some of them were clouds of sensient gas the arxan crystalline form dimmed slightly we do have protocols and they all require getting
close enough to the void serpents to implement them Rodriguez's eyes narrowed are you telling me that none of you want to go catch the space snakes Ambassador High Commander Zex LK began carefully you must understand that void serpents are particularly drawn to species with highly organized neural structures the more advanced the civilization the more attractive we are as prey it would be suicide for any of our species to attempt containment so what's the plan then let them terrorize the shipping lanes until they get bored the aran's crystal Matrix pulsed in what might have been embarrassment
actually we were hoping Humanity might be willing to assist Rodriguez stared at the assembled alien delegates for a long moment then she started laughing it wasn't a nice laugh let me make sure I'm following this correctly she said once she'd caught her breath you the combined might of 26 space fairing civilizations with technology so Advanced you barely consider us more than clever monkeys want humans to clean up your mess because we're too stupid to be afraid that is a gross oversimplification protested the maned High Commander we simply recognize that Humanity's unique qualities make you uniquely
suited to this task our unique qualities being what our stubborn refusal to die when things try to eat us your species does have an unprecedented survival rate against Class 12 entities the arxan noted and your neural patterns are well primitive Rodriguez suggested dryly challenging for psychic predators to properly grasp the arxan finished diplomatically something about your tendency toward illogical thought processes and emotional decisionmaking creates a kind of natural defense against their hunting methods Rodriguez leaned back in her chair Crossing her arms so because we're emotional and don't make sense the space snakes can't eat our
brains properly and this makes us qualified to round them up that and your species remarkable tendency to succeed at tasks that should be physically impossible through sheer determination and what you call spite added a Volus representative their environmental suit hissing slightly as they spoke you know what Rodriguez said standing up fine I'll handle it but we're doing this the human way the chamber erupted in alarmed murmuring the human way the Arian asked cautiously yep Rodriguez pulled out her communit and started typing I'm calling in some Specialists what sort of Specialists ever heard of the Australian
Outback the confusion in the room was palpable first things first Rodriguez continued ignoring their concern I'm going to need about 30 cases of beer some really good barbecue and access to your station's internal communication system oh and whatever the alien equivalent of a GoPro is lots of them I don't understand the maned high Commander said how will these items assist in containing Class 12 psychic Predators Rodriguez grinned it was not a reassuring expression trust me this is going to be either the most impressive or the most entertaining thing you've ever seen probably both 48 hours
later later the galactic Council watched in horror and Fascination as a small Fleet of modified human shuttles approached Outpost station Delta 9 their horror increased exponentially when they realized the humans had painted racing stripes and what appeared to be shark teeth on the sides of their vessels is that music the arxan asked their crystalline form vibrating in confusion as a heavy Baseline began pumping through the station's communication channels ACDC Rodriguez confirmed watching the feed with OB Amusement the cleanup crew insisted on proper mood music the council observers watched as the shuttle bay doors opened revealing
a group of humans in what appeared to be heavily modified environmental suits several of them were carrying what looked suspiciously like oversized butterfly Nets made of energy Fields those can't possibly work High Commander zik muttered probably not Rodriguez agreed cheerfully but Tony there the one with the red stripes on his suit bet Jake the one with the blue stripes 50 credit he could catch more void serpents with the net Than Jake could with the Sonic lure they've got a whole pool going they're gambling on their success rates while attempting to contain Class 12 psychic Predators
oh yeah the pot's up to about 2,000 credits now plus bragging rights which is the real prize the feed showed the humans splitting into teams each heading off in different directions through the station's corridors they appear to be whistling why are they making those sounds Aus representative asked they're trying to attract the void serpent attention Rodriguez explained apparently someone looked up their hunting patterns and decided they were basically just spooky space cobras the whistling is something snake handlers do back on Earth that's that's not how void serpents work at all the arxan protested they sophisticated
psychic predators that the arxan was interrupted by a whoop of Triumph coming through the feed followed by got one that's 50 credits you owe me Jake that one was clearly coming for me first not my fault you're too slow mate the council watched in stunned silence as the humans proceeded to turn what should have been a carefully coordinated containment operation into what appeared to be a combination of a competition show and a pub crawl they were keeping score they had invented a point system based on the size of the Void serpents and the difficulty of
the catch did that human just the maned high Commander trailed off mandibles twitching in disbelief yep Rodriguez confirmed he just rode one like a rodeo bll that's worth double points according to their rules but but the psychic feedback alone should have driven him insane Rodriguez Shrugged probably would have if he wasn't singing Sweet Home Alabama at the top of his lungs the whole time turns out it's really hard for psychic predators to get a grip on your mind when you're belting out lonard skinnard and thinking about beer the operation continued for several hours punctuated by
frequent shouting betting and the occasional burst of class rock music somehow against all logic and reasonable expectations the void serpents were being captured one by one the humans had even started naming them all right that's Bruce in the bag one of the handlers announced over the Comm he's a feisty one tried to create a temporal anomaly but I gave him a burger and now he's cool you fed it the Arian asked faintly sure Rodriguez said turns out they're way less cranky when they're not hungry Who Knew by the time the last void serpent was safely
contained in what appeared to be a modified beer cooler much to the council's distress the humans had not only completed their mission but had also compiled enough footage for what they were calling the greatest live stream event in human history final count Rodriguez announced to the council reading from her Comm unit 317 void serpents captured zero casualties minimal property damage well except for that one vending machine but Tony swears that wasn't his fault and we we've got about 6 hours of Premium entertainment footage oh and apparently three of the handlers want to know if they
can keep some of the smaller ones as pets they say they're actually kind of cute once you get to know them the council chamber was silent for a long moment this is not how Class 12 entity containment is supposed to work the maned high Commander finally said maybe not Rodriguez agreed but it did work and now we know that void serpents like hamburgers and classic rock I'd call that a win for science a win for science the arxan repeated weakly oh and one more thing Rodriguez added her expression turning serious the cleanup crew has requested
permanent contracts as the council's official Class 12 entity containment team they say and I quote this beats the hell out of catching regular snakes and the pay is better the council Representatives looked at each other in what might have been fear might have been resignation or might have been the dawning realization that they had just witness something unprecedented in Galactic history I suppose the arxan said finally that given the success of this operation we should consider their offer probably a good idea Rodriguez agreed especially since they've already started designing t-shirts and planning a reality show
a what don't worry about it Rodriguez said patting the arxan crystallin surface sympathetically just be glad they didn't bring the crocodile Handler this time he's on vacation in Florida the council shuddered collectively at the implication that there were humans who handled even more dangerous creatures for fun and that's how Humanity became the Galaxy's go-to species for dealing with Things That Go Bump in the night not because we were the strongest or the smartest or the most advanced but because we were just stupid enough to try just stubborn enough to succeed and just crazy enough to
turn it into entertainment the merchandise sales alone paid for the next 3 years of human expansion into space the reality show won 17 Awards and somewhere in the depths of space 3177 void serpents developed a peculiar taste for hamburgers and ACDC the Galaxy would never be quite the same look Ambassador Rodriguez said her voice carrying that special tone of exasperation she'd perfected since Humanity became the Galaxy's designated problem solvers I understand you're concerned about the ratings but we can't just release dangerous entities into space for entertainment but think about the viewers protested Kyle Matthews executive
producer of Snakes on a space station the hit reality show that had spawned from the void serpent incident our numbers are starting to Plateau we need something bigger something more exciting the answer is still no what if we just the argument was interrupted by the Urgent chiming of Rodriguez's official Council communication device the holographic display flickered to life revealing the familiar crystallin form of the arxan delegate Ambassador the arxan translated voice carried an un mistakable note of panic we have a situation Rodriguez closed her eyes and counted to 10 what kind of situation remember how
your containment team insisted on keeping some of the smaller void serpents as pets yes and remember how they discovered that void serpents have a particular fondness for Human music and food I'm not going to like where this is going am I the arxan crystal Matrix flickered in what Rodriguez had learned to recognize as extreme embarrassment it seems that prolonged exposure to human culture has had some unexpected effects on their development Define unexpected effects the void serpents have learned to sing there was a long pause I'm sorry Rodriguez said carefully but did you just tell me
that the psychic space snakes have learned to sing yes and they appear to have developed a particular fondness for something called karaoke Kyle's eyes lit up with the unmistakable gleam of a reality TV producer who just struck gold Rodriguez pointed at him without looking no whatever you're thinking no but the answer is still no the arxan continued that's not actually the primary concern the issue is that they've started teaching other void serpents the ones we released back into their natural habitat they've formed what your species might call a band Rodriguez dropped her face into her
hands a band yes they're currently holding what appears to be a concert in the Karina nebula it's attracting rather a lot of attention what kind of attention well the good news is that they're no longer hunting other species the bad news is that they've developed a following several Class 8 and class n entities have been observed attending their performances Kyle was practically vibrating with excitement this is amazing we could call it galaxies Got Talent extreme addition the council the Arian continued diplomatically ignoring Kyle's Outburst would appreciate if Humanity could handle this situation preferably before the
void serpent start taking requests Rodriguez sighed deeply fine I'll make some calls but first I need to know exactly what they're singing according to our analysis it appears to be a mixture of what you call Classic Rock and something termed death metal though there have been concerning reports of them attempting to incorporate something called Disco right Rodriguez said already pulling out her personal Comm unit I'm going to need to call in some special consultants for this one and probably a few music producers music producers the arxan asked cautiously if we can't stop them from performing
we might as well make sure they're doing it properly besides do you really want a bunch of psychic Predators thinking disco is the height of human musical achievement I suppose not exactly give me 48 hours I'll have a team assembled the resulting operation went down in Galactic history as either the most brilliant or the most ridiculous solution to an Interstellar crisis depending on who you asked the humans naturally insisted it was both the containment team now expanded to include several professional musicians a sound engineer and somewhat inexplicably a jazz fusion specialist approached the situation with
their usual combination of Reckless enthusiasm and improbable expertise all right announced Mack Davidson former snake Handler turned impromptu band manager first things first the Rhythm Section needs work you can't build a solid sound on temporal anomalies alone their harmonies are actually pretty good though noted Jaz Thompson the sound engineer something about their psychic abilities lets them hit frequencies that shouldn't technically be possible yeah but their stage presence needs work added Tony from the original containment team they're still trying to induce fear during their guitar solos we need to channel that energy into something more productive
the solution when it finally came together was pure human Ingenuity at its finest instead of trying to stop the void serpents from performing the team decided to help them improve they set up what they called an Interstellar Music Workshop complete with proper equipment training and most importantly a thorough education in musical history and Theory you can't appreciate Rock properly if you don't understand its roots Mack insisted to a group of attentive void serpents now let's talk about the blues the results were unexpected within 3 months the void serpents had not only improved their musical abilities
but had developed their own unique genre which humans dubbed psychic progressive metal their first official album temporal frequencies in E Minor became an overnight sensation across 17 star systems the Class 8 and class 9 entities that had been attending their concerts became their biggest fans forming what might have been the Galaxy's first Interstellar fan club several of the took up instruments themselves leading to what music critics would later call the great Cosmic Orchestra movement you know Rodriguez said to the arxan delegate during a council session reviewing the situation this might actually be working out better
than anyone expected they're still technically dangerous predators the arxan pointed out true but they're channeling it productively now when was the last time you heard of a void serpent attacking a ship not since they started their Galactic tour the Arian admitted though the merchandise sales are becoming somewhat concerning concerning how several highly Advanced civilizations have taken to wearing what I believe you call banned t-shirts during official functions the maned high Commander was seen wearing one during last week's peace negotiations Rodriguez tried and failed to suppress a grin well you have to admit it's better than
them eating people perhaps the arxan conceded though I'm still not entirely comfortable with the fact that they they've scheduled a concert at the council chamber next month hey at least they asked permission this time and they've promised to keep the temporal anomalies to a minimum during their drum solos the aran's crystal Matrix pulsed in what might have been resignation I suppose this is what we should have expected when we asked humans to handle the situation look on the bright side Rodriguez said cheerfully the reality shows ratings are through the roof the void serpents are happy
and we've accidentally created the Galaxy's first interspecies cultural Exchange program I'd call that a win a win the arxan repeated faintly is that what we're calling it well what would you call it before the arxan could respond Rodriguez's communit chimed she checked the message and started laughing what is it the void serpents just announced their next album title thanks for the hamburgers Earth and somewhere in the Karina nebula a group of former psychic Predators practiced their power cords perfected their harmonies and planned their next Galactic tour complete with a light show that bent both space
and time but in a strictly regulated and highly entertaining manner the merchandise sales broke all previous records the reality show won another 20 Awards and Humanity's reputation is the species you called when things got weird was cemented even further the Galaxy might never be normal again but at least it had a killer soundtrack the meeting room aboard Galactic Council station Prime was decorated with an Eclectic mix of items that perfectly summarized Humanity's impact on inter Stellar relations a platinum record from the void Serpent's latest album a collection of Snakes on a space station commemorative plates
and a framed shirt reading I survived the psychic progressive metal festival temporarily speaking Ambassador Rodriguez sat across from three very nervous looking Council Representatives wondering what crisis would require an emergency meeting at 3:00 a.m. Earth Standard Time let me make sure I understand this correctly she said clutching her fourth cup of coffee you're telling me that our solution to the void serpent situation has inspired others the aran's crystallin form flickered in what she now recognized as their equivalent of a nervous twitch that would be an understatement High Commander Z xlk mandibles clicked rapidly the situation
has grown beyond our worst projections ever since your species demonstrated that class 12 entities could be domesticated domesticated is a strong word rodrig interrupted we prefer convinced to pursue alternative career paths regardless of terminology the Volus representative weeed through their environmental suit your success has led to a concerning Trend various species across the Galaxy are now attempting to how do you say it pull a human when encountering dangerous entities Rodriguez sat down her coffee cup Define pulling a human the Arian projected a series of images into the air last week a group of centorian Merchants
attempted to start a dating service for Quantum leviathans the same Quantum leviathans that exist in multiple Dimensions simultaneously yes they thought and I quote if humans can teach space snakes to sing surely we can help lonely multi-dimensional beings find love that's Rodriguez paused actually that's kind of sweet what's the problem the problem High Commander Z xlk chittered is that Quantum Leviathan reproduce by splitting reality we now have three parallel timelines where different versions of the same Leviathan are dating itself Ah that's not all the Volus added a collective of andromedan entrepreneurs has started a theme
park using rehabilitated void Walkers as ride operators the shadow beings that feed on existential dread yes they've apparently been trained to channel that dread into and again I quote the ultimate Thrill Ride experience Rodriguez pinched the bridge of her nose please tell me that's the worst of it the arxan crystal Matrix dimmed a group of pleadian performance artists has begun offering meditation Retreats inside the consciousness of domesticated Elder Horrors there was a long pause you know Rodriguez said finally I feel like we should have seen this coming this is serious High Commander Z xlk protested
the entire galaxy is descending into chaos because everyone is trying to copy your species ridiculous methods are ridiculous methods that work Rodriguez pointed out that's not the point we need you to fix this Rodriguez leaned back in her chair a familiar glint in her eye that made all three Council Representatives instantly regret their choice of words fix it how exactly we need Humanity to to the arxan struggled for words to handle it Rodriguez suggested innocently yes fine Rodriguez stood up straightening her jacket I'll handle it but we're doing this the human way the council Representatives
exchanged worried looks what's the human way if you can't beat him join them and then regulate the hell out of it 72 hours later the galactic Council chamber was packed as Rodriguez unveiled Humanity solution to the crisis the presentation screen behind her displayed a logo that combined elements of a corporate brand a government seal and what appeared to be a tourism advertisement ladies gentlemen and assorted Consciousness constructs r Rodriguez announced I present to you the Bureau of unconventional entity relations and tourism or buer for short a tourism Bureau someone in the audience asked incredulously not
just a tourism Bureau Rodriguez corrected think of it as a combination regulatory agency training center and Quality Control Department for all non-traditional entity interactions she clicked to the next slide which showed a complex organizational chart we've already recruited the best best experts in various Fields xenobiologist physicists entertainment producers marketing Specialists and of course our original containment teams each division will be responsible for evaluating and approving any proposals for non-traditional entity engagement and you think this will solve the problem the arxan asked skeptically absolutely look the issue isn't that people are trying to interact with these
entities in new ways it's that they're doing it without proper guidance or safety measures bu will provide both she gestured to a holographic display showing various successful human interventions from the void serpent concert tour to more recent achievements we've already drafted comprehensive guidelines for everything from entity entertainment Ventures to cross-dimensional dating services want to start a theme park with Cosmic Horrors great but you'll need to pass our safety inspection and get your Elder things properly certified in Customer Service First customer service certification for Elder things High Commander zxl K's mandibles twitched in disbelief you'd be
surprised how well they take to it Rodriguez said turns out many Cosmic Horrors really appreciate having a structured workflow and clear performance metrics the presentation continued outlining various programs and initiatives the responsible entity relations certification program guidelines for ethical interdimensional tourism The Entity cultural Exchange program a standardized rating system for paranormal attractions insurance policies specifically covering temporal paradoxes and reality shifts and the best part Rodriguez concluded is that we can fund the entire operation through licensing fees and merchandise sales the gift shop Revenue alone from the quantum Leviathan dating service is projected to cover our
first Year's budget the council chamber erupted in a mixture of protests questions and what might have been hysterical laughter from some of the more reality flexible species this is preposterous someone shouted maybe Rodriguez agreed cheerfully but ask yourselves this would you rather have people attempting these things without oversight or with the full support and guidance of the species that somehow taught Cosmic Horrors to appreciate good customer reviews there was a long moment of silence as the council processed this logic I moved to approve the formation of buer T the Arian said finally their Crystal Matrix
pulsing with what might have been resignation amusement or both seconded added High Commander Z silk who had apparently decided that if reality was going to get weird it might as well be properly regulated the motion passed with an overwhelming majority though several species abstained on the grounds that they were laughing too hard to vote properly 6 months later Rodriguez stood in her office aboard the newly constructed buer headquarters reviewing the latest reports the quantum Leviathan dating service had succeed successfully matched 12 couples with only two minor reality splits the void Walker theme park had received
a five-star safety rating and was featured in Galactic tourism monthly the Elder horror meditation Retreats were booked solid for the next three Cycles with a waiting list for their Journey to the Center of cosmic Consciousness package the void serpents had opened a music school that offered classes in both traditional instruments and psychic harmonics you know she said to the arxan delegate who had come to ECT the facility I think this might be our most successful solution yet the Galaxy will never be the same the arxan noted probably not Rodriguez agreed but at least now we
have proper paperwork for it and somewhere in the vast expanse of space a Quantum Leviathan filled out its dating profile a void Walker practiced its safety briefing Spiel and an elder horror led a guided meditation session all under the watchful eye of Humanity's newest and strangest bureaucracy the merchandise sales were of course astronomical the reality show spawned three spin-offs and Humanity's reputation as the species that could turn any Cosmic horror into a tourist attraction was sealed forever the Galaxy might have gone mad but at least it had filed the proper permits first the end
