The Frameworks That Will Make You Irresistible

influence Frameworks are powerful Frameworks for getting what you want I think the place to start because not all Frameworks are simple remember how we were talking about there's foundational Frameworks there's twostep Frameworks and there's 12 step step Frameworks right the thing to understand is Frameworks all fit within each other they fit like nesting dolls like Russian nesting dolls so when you learn any kind of framework that has to do with influence what you also have to learn are the sub Frameworks inside of it to be able to execute the whole thing but the place to

really start is understand that influence and persuasion are not the same thing right persuasion is what happens when you actively put energy into changing someone's mind or getting someone to take a certain action with active energy influence is what you have when you're not talking so I can sit here and try to persuade you to come with me to dinner but that's not influence that's persuasion influence is what happens when something happens in the world and I'm the one that comes into your mind and you're like I wonder what Andy thinks about that which probably

doesn't happen but one day hopefully it will happen if I gain enough influence right that's the difference persuasion takes energy influence is passive it doesn't happen it takes a lot of experience it takes a lot of Engagement it takes a lot of assessment Energy Trust it takes a lot of effort to get someone to a place where you have influence over them but there's a framework for that there are Frameworks and Frameworks within Frameworks that I'm happy to teach if you want to go through those yeah whatever you think is most useful for me in

my audience so I'll start with this I'll start at the lowest possible place right and the lowest possible place if you if you think of influence up here as a umbrella there's a sub framework inside of that umbrella and then there's a third inside of that so we're going to start with that one first and grow and that framework is something called sense making because if I want to influence you or if you want to influence me we have to make sense of the dynamic of our relationship meaning one of us has to be in

power and one of us has to comply with the other person's power that's the whole goal of sense making so that's why we we are starting at that framework inside of sense Mak if you imagine it like a cup right sense making is like a cylinder and just like you fill a cup with water you'll fill this cylinder with scents the bottom third of the cup is what we call avoidance that's where every relationship starts every time you meet a new person you try to avoid that person it's the first thought you have even if

you don't want to admit it no I'll admit it no that's very much the nature of my life that's the nature of every that's human nature we avoid what's new so the first third is avoidance so you've got to fill the water you've got to fill the relationship you have to put enough time and energy into the relationship to get past the bottom third now you're making sense the next third is called competition competition is all about the exchange of information the exchange of ideas the exchange of energy because in an exchange you're building a

relation reltionship even if you're arguing even if you disagree even if you hate the other person and you're yelling in their face you're still investing energy into that person whereas if you really didn't care about them you would just avoid them all together the last third is called compliance the whole reason that you compete is to have someone come out with compliance and compliance is the part where the power Dynamic is is identified right so we've invested so much time in competition that now we're not arguing and fighting anymore now we're starting to make sense

of our relationship you've heard the phrase we'll just agree to disagree essentially that is the top of the sense making cylinder you've filled the cup and where you land at the end is we'll just agree to disagree which is kind of a mutual understanding of each other's position on whatever it was that you were competing over but you're still a unit you've still invested into a relationship ship so sense making is filling that first cup because now what we know at the conclusion of this phase is that we're in this together I've poured water in

you've poured water in and if there's anything that human beings hate to do it's waste their energy so I've put all this energy into you you've put all this energy into me and now we have a dynamic between us from once there's sense once we understand and remember this is if we agree to disagree then that's we've made sense of our relationship as Mutual peers on this particular topic politics that doesn't mean that we're Mutual peers in terms of conversations about family or conversations about business or conversations about you name it exercise right but we

have a relationship enough that now we can talk about those other things so if I want to build influence or if you want to build influence the first thing we have to do is not let people avoid us we have to get past the avoidance and then we have to compete with them to get them to invest their time and energy into to our relationship and then we have to get to a place where there's some sort of compliance even if it's only the compliance to sit and listen to me when I share my opinion

that you already know you're going to disagree with that's still compliance that's the foundational framework that feeds up into a secondary framework that we call no like trust no like trust is something that actually exists in the social media World which was a really awesome surprise to me to find it there um klt no like trust starts with Discovery if you don't know something exists you can never like it because you don't even know it exists once you know something exists you have to decide whether or not you like it well how do you decide

whether or not you like it through this this avoidance competition compliance sense making process because as soon as you discover something new it's new so guess what you try to do avoid it you see what I'm saying so after you get through the end of the compliance phase of of sense making you're basically you like whatever it is or whoever it is that you're dealing with maybe you don't like them like they're your best friend but you've invested all this time and energy into them so you do like them the secret sauce at CIA that

we know that most people don't understand is that you don't have to like something a lot before you start to trust it you've heard the term falling in love there's also a very term called falling into trust you just spend enough time long enough and what happens is without even realizing it you start to trust the person that you're with that is the beginning of influence even if I'm wrong even if you disagree with me every step of the way even if the only thing you like about me is going out and having a pint

on Friday night where we debate and argue and at each other about politics you still like Friday night going to the bar and sharing a pint with me you still like hanging out with me when we watch our two different soccer teams play or football teams play so because you like me enough to be with me there will come a time where I win your trust in some in some area maybe it's trust because I'm the only person who drinks with you so in a moment you decide to tell me about how much you hate

your boss and now I'm the only one that knows you actually hate your boss whatever it might be you will fall into trust we all in the trust it's one of the things that that's natural to human beings that we hate about ourselves is we trust the wrong people it happens to all of us so someone can trust you in terms of influence even if they don't like you correct because they will be invested enough into you that they believe something is predictable think about somebody that you don't like think about somebody you really really

don't like yeah are there still things about them that you would trust them to do maybe not things they would do for you but there are certain things that you would trust that they would do I already know that person's going to you know say something stupid to my kid I already trust that that person is going to put their garbage can at the end of my driveway so it's it's fascinating because we usually think of trust as only being a positive term trust is an ambiguous it's it's a it's a uh it is an

agnostic term it doesn't mean good things or bad things it just means a predictable outcome [Applause] Freedom a fresh freedom