[Music] Every single human being has self-absorption traits; we can't help it. We naturally think of ourselves first. Yes, there are people who are much deeper narcissists in life, no doubt, and there are toxic narcissists, but we all have a touch of it.
There's a reason why we're narcissists, and I explain in the book that it's not my own theory; it comes from some great psychologists like Kohut, the origins of narcissism. Right, so when your parents have to kind of not abandon you but have to not give you as much attention as you used to have, and you're three years old or four years old, you don't remember it, but it was very painful. Like, "Oh, they don't love me as much; what's wrong with me?
" Right? You know, I have to get that love and attention not just naturally; I have to do things to earn it, etc. , etc.
What happens with a lot of people in that situation when they're a child is: I have to develop my own self; I have to be my own mother or father. I have to find a way of loving myself. When something bad happens, I have to retreat inward and go, "I'm really not so bad at all.
I'm actually a decent person. I like my own tastes; I like the clothes that I wear," etc. , etc.
You're developing the shreds of self-esteem. And people who never developed that because they were abused, or they were abandoned, or even if they were suffocated, never developed that self-esteem. So what happens in life is, whenever you don't develop that and you get older, if people attack you and yell at you or criticize you, you can't retreat inward to that self-esteem, that love you have.
The only thing you know is to get angry, to get the narcissistic rage, and to yell at people and say, "God, get away from me; you're evil," etc. , etc. Right?
And then the other problems evolve, where the only way I get people to love me is by being incredibly dramatic and overly dramatic, etc. , etc. , and always making myself the center of attention.
That's what creates a deep narcissist; it's their only way of getting the love that they need. So, children, we all need that degree of self-esteem—the anchor in our life. So, narcissism, self-love, is not a bad thing.
But what happens is, as you get older, if you go too deep into it, it becomes a problem. And so what I say is you need to take that self-love, which has a good function, and turn it outward as much as you can, and turn it into empathy and love and consideration for other people more. That's your task as you get older in life.
That's how I approach all of these flaws. You can't run away from them; you can't run away from your shadow, your dark side. You can make it work for you; you can make it positive and productive and healthy.
You can become a healthy narcissist, which is a name that I use in the book. You can use your dark side for positive purposes. Let's say you have a lot of anger inside, and I had a lot of anger when I was younger.
I was a very angry young man. Right? Channel that into some kind of cause.
You know, I have a lot of causes that I believe in very deeply, and when I was younger, I was like that—channel that energy into something productive and helpful and put it into something that helps society. That's using your dark side for positive purposes because the dark side of human nature has a lot of creativity and energy. An artist has to have a dark side.
You use your dark side because all those dark emotions—all the people that shat on you in your life—they inspire you; they create your best work. Don't run away from your shadow; don't run away from your narcissism. Use it in a healthy way.
When you look at yourself—and when I wrote The Laws of Human Nature, I thought, "Damn it, Robert, you have a dark side; you're a narcissist. " You know, I had to come to terms with my irrationality, my grandiosity, my aggressive instincts. But it's the only way to change yourself: to be aware that you have these issues.
I have the narcissistic tendencies; now I see it all right now when they pop up. I can control it better. I can say, "Damn, Robert, you're being too self-absorbed.
Think more about the other person. " But if you go around in life thinking, "I don't have any of these problems; I'm not a narcissist," you're never going to have the awareness to stop the fact that you are actually one. I want you to be a little more humble in this world, not be so arrogant, and not think that you are somehow exempt from having a dark side—that somehow you were born with a halo over your head and that you were born different.
You don't have human nature; that you're a saintly person—you're much better. Get rid of your moral superiority because I find that deeply offensive. We are all cut from the same cloth; we all have the same flaws.
