my name is John Samuel pck I'll be 27 next spring only my grandmother and my wife call me Johnny My Father Robert used to do the same when he was alive I don't know why I'm John but Samuel was my grandfather's name my parents were born on the same day by a strange coincidence they died on the same day 22 years apart my Mother Evelyn was 22 when she died since I was only a few months old at the time I don't remember anything about her no one ever talked about her my father died on
a deserted stretch of highway his car went off the road and hit a tree he was under the influence of alcohol but not drunk they think he may have fallen asleep as there were no skid marks they have never been able to determine exactly why he ended up on that Highway my dad and grandparents raised me at my grandmother's house until I was eight when Dad finally saved up enough money he bought his own house that's where I've lived ever since the house is a typical Suburban setting it's one of those devel Vel Ms where
every third house is a repeat dad died four years ago when I was in college he had a troubled soul Dad wasn't inclined to say I love you but he always tracked me down and gave me a big hug when he got home from work I can't remember a day when he didn't smell like whiskey however we never had a single bottle of liquor in the house even though he spent a lot of time at his favorite Pub I really don't think he had a drinking problem his pictures still hang on the walls of the
pub through throughout the years when he was the darts Champion dad drove a truck and knew just about everyone in town when he was sick his neighbors came to him with soup and elixir dad didn't believe in pain medication so witches bruise as he called them were the only remedy he took for his ailments I wasn't so lucky if I got sick or felt pain he would take me to the doctor to get a shot in the ass I learned not to complain Dad loved playing rugby and so did I no matter how rough the
rugby was if I complained about an injury he teased me let me know what size dress I need to buy you Joan I don't ever remember us having a party dad was a loner and had a very narrow circle of friends it was unusual for him to date the same woman a second time attempts to get him a date proved fruitless when dad died grandma paid for a beautiful headstone Robert Pickwick Evelyn Pickwick the loving parents of John Samuel Pickwick I had never been to my mom's grave until after my dad was buried I have
a degree in civil engineering I work for the city on road Improvement projects I really didn't set out to work on roads but was inspired by a few presentations when I was a sophomore in college I interned with the city between my Junior and senior years the timing was perfect as one of the oldtimers was retiring around the time I graduated I married my high school sweetheart maranne and we have a 4-month-old son whom we named Robert Samuel Maryanne and I kept up throughout Middle School I blew it by having a girl who let everyone
sleep with her you know how high school kids are afraid of dying virgins there were a lot of Tears since I was going to college and Maryanne wasn't we just broke up we would say hi when we ran into each other during vacations after graduation I moved home and about a week later found Maryanne on my front porch I still wanted to see if we had any magic left we began the slow process of reconciliation I learned that Maryann had her own house in town her father had accepted a job a few hours away her
parents moved shortly after Maryann graduated from high school Maryanne worked as a bookkeeper at a clothing store downtown after a few dates it became abundantly clear that there was definitely Good Chemistry Between Us she wasn't a virgin and I had found myself on the floor more than once in college we never talked about the details it was in the past our courtship lasted less than months before I proposed to her we waited a few years before we decided to have a child Maryanne labored for up to 10 days before giving birth I'm a typical 6'
200 lb outof shape guy Maryann is petite about 5T even and barely a 100 lb her breasts look like little pancakes with raisins on top Maryanne is athletically built and being so light twists when she rides me like a horsewoman I've never experienced that before and I loved it she's a TI Tigress in the bedroom and doesn't deny me anything it's not about what you have it's about how you use it one of her favorite role plays is when I sneak up on her in the kitchen and pin her to the table I mask my
voice with a low growl while tormenting her I can't call this a rape fantasy it's more like a rag doll a submissive slave this little treat was delayed when Maryanne became pregnant as her due date approached she began to look like a water balloon with legs she hated her appearance and couldn't understand how I could love her when she was so bloated there was nothing I could say to assuage her fears as she was tormented by hormones my engineering degree didn't prepare me for how to calm her fragile thinking Robert Samuel wrapped his little fingers
around me I would do anything for him Maryanne really enjoys being a mother we've already planned an addition to the family as soon as Robert's first birthday comes around I earn enough at my job to easily afford our lifestyle Maryann is very self-conscious about her figure she wishes she had bigger breasts since she's breastfeeding they're too big now there is a guy who lives next door who seems to hang around our house Charlie just graduated from high school and does hard work when he can find it he always asks if we have any tasks he
could do I find him a little creepy he's a very big guy about a week before Christmas our marriage took a big hit when I got home I found Maryanne sitting on the couch crying I'm so sorry Johnny I didn't mean for this to happen I'm so sorry Johnny maranne what are you sorry about tell me what happened sobbing she spoke I was unloading groceries and one of the bags ripped Charlie was next to me and started helping me pack even though I told him I could finish it myself he carried a few bags into
the kitchen when I turned my back to him he pressed me against the counter he did the same thing you do when we play this game I think he was peeking at us I was just locked in I was scared and confused but I couldn't speak he put me face down on the kitchen table and I was it rape I'm sorry I didn't say anything no I didn't finish it happened so fast I was scared you didn't answer me was it rape Maryanne didn't answer she shook her head negatively that's just great Johnny no it
wasn't like that at all I didn't know what to do I just froze what about screaming and kicking and scratching Johnny it was a mistake I should have done all those things I love you please don't hate me how long did you have fun Johnny it wasn't fun at all I was numb Robert started crying so I burst out pushed Charlie and locked myself in the bathroom I've showered probably 10 times since then I wish our marriage wasn't a crying marriage maybe you could have saved it I'm going to stay at my grandmother's for a
few days Johnny no don't go I need you I want to be your wife please don't go I love you please her tears and her pleading won't stop me I felt like punching my fist into a wall it was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in my life at rugby practice I told my buddies what was bothering me lots of clapping on my back and trying to cheer me up but I was in pain a few days later when we were warming up before a game one of the guys took me aside John Charlie fell
down and what is this world coming to he got kicked while he was down I think a couple of guys kicked him about a 100 times with steel toed boots he's in St Rose there may never be any little Charlie you guys are the best after the game I went home Maryanne started crying and begging I am so sorry I made a mistake I love you please don't leave me please don't I'm not ready to discuss it I took a shotgun shell casing wrote Charlie on it and stuffed it in my pocket I found Charlie's
hospital room during the attack he tried to protect his jewelry with both hands his hands were no match for the steel toes of rugby players boots both hands were in a cast and he also had a lot of tubes connected when he saw me his blood pressure began to rise matching his growing fear I showed him a shotgun shell casing Charlie I'm not going to hurt you today you see your name on this casing if I ever find out you even thought about Maryanne your mouth will be full of what's in that little thing am
I making my myself clear enough for you Charlie he nodded affirmatively several times his blood pressure was alarming as I left the room I walked into the pub to drown a few Sorrows Grandma scolded me when I arrived at her place Johnny open your heart give her a chance don't wait too long please I'll need a few more days Grandma I hugged her and went to bed in the morning I found Grandma at the kitchen table with a box of tissues she took down the picture of my father and stared at it it didn't look
like she'd slept through the night are you okay Grandma the holidays are hard have you thought about what I said yeah I'm not ready yet I'll see you tonight I repeated last night headed to the pub listened to a lecture when I got to Grandma's house and went to bed I woke up on Christmas Eve and found grandma in the kitchen again she looked upset the tissue box was empty and she was looking at a picture of my father I thought she was mumbling something but I couldn't make out what good morning Grandma anything in
town it's my day off at noon today Johnny have you made up your mind yet not yet open your heart Johnny it was a mistake maybe a big one but a mistake nonetheless do you need me to tell you about some of the big mistakes you've made how is this different from you and that [ __ ] at school I just hope you don't wait too long you're just as stubborn as your father Grandma we're married now that's different Maryann was already wearing your wedding ring at the time I'll tell you what's different it's now
you have to deal with the sting of betrayal when it was her feelings no big deal but now that it's your feelings well that's different don't wait too long Johnny she cried again I kissed her forehead and left I found myself in the pub around supper time not much here a few people coming and going I was feeling very depressed God I miss Maryann and little Robert so much I think I had already decided what to do another sip of Pride I washed it down with whiskey I know liquor isn't the answer but I was
pretty sure milk and water wasn't either Hey kid he held out his hand you look the way I feel my name's Bobby I've been watching you for a while now may I join you I looked up and saw a guy about my age maybe a little younger with blank eyes and an imp passive stare I could smell a slight whiskey odor in his breath sure I didn't see you shaking his hand my name's John let me guess like me cheating wife I nodded people live here Johnny Christmas should be spent with family that's right I'm
John but I never knew my mom she died when I was a baby and my dad died 4 years ago what about you Bobby well if you're John I'll be be Robert I have both my parents alive I'm alive until I figure out how to raise a child Johnny I found out about this months ago you I'm John last week my lady took a little [ __ ] at a party and got laid anyway she felt guilty and broke down a few days later you my neighbor lashed out at her but she didn't stop him
that night she couldn't take it let me guess I'm sorry it was a mistake I love you don't leave me yeah all of it I guess there's a script they all follow I'm telling you Johnny I was cruel I made her tell me every last detail she was grief stricken I didn't back down I told her I'd probably get a divorce I hear you I haven't filed yet but I'm crazy to think I will I should have calmed down but I couldn't chew and swallow the last bit of Pride That's What Hurts the Most I'm
telling you Johnny she had eyes Full of Tears she worked here as a waitress and guys hit on her all the time I still carry a picture of her he slipped his hand into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet he knew exactly where the picture was it was wrinkled but you could tell she was a beauty the picture was taken a couple years ago it's still my favorite you never got back together with her no I was too stubborn she made a mistake and I would have forgiven her it just took too long
she wrote me a note and left all I have to remember about her is our child he opened his wallet again rummaged through it and pulled out a picture of a woman with a baby in her arms I can't believe she left you with a baby we were all shocked she loved him so much it didn't make any sense I can't bring myself to hold the boy he reminds me of her Robert that's why you have to hold him because he reminds you of her he opened his wallet again rummaged through it and pulled out
an envelope folded in half he unfolded it carefully on the cover was written in a woman's handwriting Bobby he carefully extracted the letter and pushed it toward me she wrote in very elegant handwriting Bobby I'm so sorry I will never forgive myself for this I can't live without you love Eevee his eyes clouded over and mine did too you could see the Heartbreak on his face do you ever talk to her I've tried my mom helps me with the baby like you he'll never know his mom the boy meant the world to her yeah don't
you think you have a chance of getting back together he slipped his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out a photograph he flashed it in front of me it was a picture of a tombstone she lives here now it was her suicide note she went to her grave thinking I didn't love her I come in here every day and drink a little whiskey for courage then walk down the deserted path to talk to her before I go home his voice hadn't changed the life had already been pumped out of his soul I on the
other hand had never felt worse my stomach cramped my eyes clouded with tears and my heart had never been in so much pain he wiped his eyes and carefully put everything away I felt so sorry for him he's about my age and has to live with this for the rest of of his life and raise his child so you have to ask yourself Johnny would you rather hold your wife or look at her name engraved in stone I know which one I'd choose I just don't have a choice anymore Merry Christmas Johnny thanks for letting
me bother you he turned and headed for the door Merry Christmas to you too Robert maybe I'll see you again he didn't even look back he just raised his hand and waved I tried to swallow the last sip of whiskey but the lump in my throat prevented it tears streamed down my face I called for the waitress and started to put on my coat she was young and I hadn't seen her before holding out a $20 bill to her I said is that enough let me get your change honey no keep the change Merry Christmas
oh thanks honey Merry Christmas to you too she bent down and picked something up off the floor you must have dropped this it was a picture of a tombstone no the guy I was talking to must have dropped it honey you're wrong I've been here since 4:00 and there's only been a few people here you've been alone all night no it was a guy my age his name is Robert she touched my cheek and looked into my eyes be strong Johnny you can do this it's time for you to go home she motioned the picture
toward me I looked at the picture and trembled my head was spinning my vision blurred I looked again to make sure Eevee pck the loving mother of John Samuel pck I rested my head on the table everything swirled this couldn't be true I took a deep breath and stood up I looked up and instead of a picture in my hand I saw a drink coaster my 20 was lying on the table I looked around and didn't see a waitress I took my 20 to the bar I tried to pay the waitress back she could keep
the change well man I sent her home an hour ago let me get you your change let the waitress keep it Merry Christmas I was dizzy all night when I got to the car I called home but there was no answer I dialed MaryAnn's number but no one answered I don't remember much about the ride home other than chanting please be okay please be okay my son will not be raised the way I was I pulled into the driveway and found the house dark I called maryanne's parents hi Mom it's me John is Maryanne there
she's busy she's putting Robert to bed could I ask her to call you tomorrow I'd really like to talk to her tonight she's busy tonight she's with people who love her can you just leave her alone tonight please tell her that All Is Forgiven and I want her back if she agrees I'm home the phone went silent I walked into the house and headed straight for the bedroom closet I pulled out a shoe box full of dad's stuff I sat down in the living room and opened the shoe box and found his wall I carefully
pulled out the two pictures and the letter he had shown me earlier the photos were a little yellowed I found the third photo all three of them I gasped with sobs I kissed the pictures I love you Mom I love you Dad another glance in my wallet and I was holding a picture of E's Tombstone I trembled trying to calm myself down maryanne's parents lived 2 hours away I didn't know if she'd come home tonight or if she even come back at all I was a wreck I counted the Chimes from 1 to 11 when
the 12th chime struck I heard the front door open Maryanne had put the stroller in she was crying Johnny it's me I raised my hand as a stop sign I know it was a mistake I get it it's over we'll never talk about this again I've never loved anyone as much as I love you I want you back if you'll take me she threw herself into my arms I love you never again I promise we hugged and kissed for a long time what's that on the table it's my father's things I was very lonely today
I'll clean it up in the morning Merry Christmas I don't have anything for you Merry Christmas having you back was the only thing I ever wanted I'm so sorry I'll never forgive myself I can't live without you the hair on the back of my neck stood up I squeezed her tight my tears came again Maryanne it took me a few days to realize it but I'd rather live with you than without you the energy and passion we put into our L making was incomparable to anything we had ever done I don't think we fell asleep
until 4:00 a.m. Robert's crying woke us up around 6:00 a.m. oh come on get dressed we need to get to Grandma's house grandma was sitting in the kitchen with a box of tissues when she saw us her eyes lit up like a 5-year-old seeing presence under the tree she hugged Maryanne and kissed her forehead several times Maryann didn't know what to think Grandma really needed this Johnny you made my Christmas I'm sorry I made you cry grandma grandma rested her head on my chest and hugged me tightly later that morning Maryanne stood in the kitchen
holding Robert in her arms and rocking him like mothers do Grandma took a picture of my father I helped her hang it back on the wall when did you stop calling Daddy Bobby her head turned sharply toward me there was a strange look of surprise mixed with shock on her face the first Christmas Eve after Eevee died he'd come home and announced he was going to be Robert and she was going to be Evelyn Bobby and Eevee had been too painful for him that was the weirdest thing he also took you out of the crib
up until that point it was like he was afraid to hold you you slept in his arms all night from that night on he hugged you every chance he got are you all right Johnny you look a little pale I twisted with a cramp as a shiver gripped me a little strength I'll be fine Johnny Bobby would be so proud of you it may not have mattered much to me yesterday morning but it did today Maryanne and I got home at dusk while she put Robert to bed I started putting away my father's things I
looked at the pictures again and began to shake as my tears flowed it was her she was the waitress epilogue Charlie has disappeared I no longer Chase Maryann around the kitchen Robert has a younger sister Evelyn by one of life's little Oddities she was born on the same day as her brother two years apart I paid for a new headstone Robert Bobby Pickwick Evelyn Eevee Pickwick and together forever the loving parents of John Samuel Pickwick I've tried to explain to Maryann what happened that night but she doesn't believe me I warned you Johnny not to
to drink on an empty stomach I can't explain it I know that every time I find myself in a difficult situation I touch my cheek where she touched me and think of her Words Be Strong Johnny you can do it
