The Dark Side of WANTING to Sound Like a Native Speaker

hey what's up Stefanie the English coach here from EnglishFullTime.com recently I saw a really interesting video about the dark side of being good at foreign languages I'm going to link it below in case you want to watch it and check it out but basically the girl who made this video was talking about how being naturally talented and naturally good at learning languages can sometimes work against you because you end up being lazier than other students and just depending on your natural talent and not getting as far ahead as you could get if you worked harder

and of course you talked about a lot of other things as well I really enjoyed the video so please go check it out after you watch this one anyhow so this actually got me thinking about the dark side of wanting to sound like a native speaker because that is what I wanted when I started learning Spanish and I want to explain more about why I wanted that and what happened what was the good that came out of that and what was the bad because there were some things that came out of it that it if

I knew then what I know now I would have done things so much differently I almost wish like I could go back to young Stefanie and be like look Stef you don't have to do it like this and here's why okay so I want to go into that basically a lot of language Learners English Learners they want to sound like a native okay now the first thing I feel like I have to just break down and say is a native according to who because we all hear accents differently for example you might have an American

sounding accent when you speak English and your peers might think you sound exactly like me or like another American speaker but then I might hear you and go like no no no I can still hear that your accent is not exactly the same as mine right so different people have different perceptions of accents and so when you want to sound like a native you have to ask yourself on what level do I want to be inspired by that accent and use certain pronunciation features when I speak or do I want to pass as a native

do I want to fool native speakers into thinking that I am a native speaker okay that is what I wanted and I truly think that that is where I went wrong because for me it was not about just the pure fun and joy of pronunciation practice which for some people that's literally all that it's about for me it was more than that for me I wanted to have an identity that was not mine right I was not a native Spanish speaker but I really wanted people to think that I was and I set the bar

so high in my mind in my mind I thought that anything less than that was some form of failure which is insane to me because the other thing about that is that when you're trying to sound like someone else it's a game of constantly copying constantly copying constantly imitating and while copying and imitating is an excellent absolutely excellent technique for learning pronunciation connected speech natural rhythm intonation etc it can go from being a wonderful technique to a game that you essentially never win because you'll feel like you're never good enough you never quite get there

or maybe you fool five people into thinking you're a native speaker but then two other people can hear your accent and now you feel like a failure and that's exactly what would happen to me so when people would say like hey you know I hear a little accent like where are you from I'd be like aw I failed right they caught me and it's just so silly because I think I was focused on the wrong things I was focused on having the appearance of being something that I wasn't and then I had to maintain those

appearances and so I was always stressed out and anxious and focused on the wrong things and you know what I learned I learned that you end up subconsciously whether you realize it or not you end up seeking approval from others right you want them to talk about your accent and be like wow wow you have a good accent when you hear that you're just like oh you're so proud like oh my gosh they thought I was a native speaker and I get that like the first time it happens if that's your goal like it just

feels so good but I'm at a place now where if people make those kind of comments for me it literally doesn't affect me at all I'm not like oh my gosh yay or anything you know it's just kind of like nothing and then in the other languages that I practice and study and stuff like that if people hear me talking and that there's no part of me that is seeking that comment from other people like oh my gosh you sound so much like a native speaker because I've come to a place in my life where

what I put out into the world is a means of self-expression like I am here to express who I am I don't want to be a copy of anybody else I don't want to spend my energy trying to be like somebody else I'm I've really come into my own person and I think that this is also something that you kind of mature into when you're younger and you're finding way we're copying people because we're trying to find what we like okay so another thing when I was focused on trying to sound like a native right

I remember I used to box myself in so much like I would not use certain words in Spanish if those words were not part of the regional accent that I was trying to master I would not use Expressions if they were not part of that I would not use pronunciation features that exist in Spanish if they were not part of the accent that I was trying to master like I really would just exclude so much and only focus on using the words the phrases the pronunciation features etc of the accent that I was trying to

master so in a way it's like I'm constantly imitating constantly copying constantly boxing myself in and making it like no no no I I refuse to use that other type of Spanish because it is not the accent that I want to master now again the good thing about this is I got really good at copying but but I constantly didn't feel like myself I just felt like strange you know kind of like this isn't who I am and now one of the things that I think it was is I was capable of more I didn't

have to box myself in with Spanish because since I learned Spanish and I had teachers who were from Spain and teachers who were from Mexico and teachers who were from Argentina and all these different places I learned lots of different things about Spanish words and expressions from here from the pronunciation features from here from there I could have created my own unique Spanish that would be like a blend of everything that I had learned and Spanish speakers would have understood me regardless they would notice immediately like oh yeah that is not how I say it

but I could have stood in my own way of saying things confidently and just been like this is who I am this is what I learn this is how I speak and I like it but I didn't do that and to be honest sometimes it was a little bit boring and predictable you know the way that I would speak I just felt like I'm constantly saying the same things over and over again rather than focusing on being expressive and so I didn't really play around with the language and make it my own right and then

the other thing is because I'm a native English speaker I bring my whole English linguistic background with me into Spanish and the cool thing about speaking multiple languages is you can actually blend languages together you can take an expression from one language and use it in the other even if it doesn't translate 100% it still makes the way that you speak and sound interesting I actually love it when my students take an expression or an idiom or something from their language and say it in English because it makes me go huh I've never heard that

before that's so interesting that's so unique I I actually really love that I love that idea you know and so it's so funny because I really loved and appreciated this when I would hear other people do it but I wouldn't allow myself to do it and so now oh my goodness I have so much more freedom when I speak first of all when it comes to my accent I still have that Argentinian accent that I learned because I lived in Argentina and so that accent really got ingrained in my head and I was studying it

and I I like it I prefer it but sometimes and depending on who I'm speaking with I might shift my accent a little bit or I might shift my pronunciation a little bit sometimes for example I don't like doing the the s's that they do in Argentinian Spanish because they kind of drop the s or they eliminate it sometimes I don't like the way that that sounds and I'm like no you know what I'm going to pronounce my s's okay even if other people don't do it or don't like it or don't whatever I don't

care because now I care about how I feel right and I care about self-expression and I no longer care or worry about sounding different I'm okay being the foreigner I am a foreigner you know when I go to Argentina I'm not from there I wasn't born and raised there sure you know my mom is from Argentina and my dad was born there he grew up there for a while but they didn't pass on the language to me I had to go learn it myself so I don't sound like I was born there I could make

myself sound that way I could focus on fooling people but I don't care about that anymore I don't even want that to be part of my thought process not even subconsciously consciously or subconsciously I don't want it because that is a distraction it gets you focused on the wrong things it actually produces anxiety inside of you we haven't even really talked about the anxiety but you have no idea the amount of anxiety that I went through when I was living in Argentina and I would have to go buy vegetables okay or the most mundane thing

like yeah I want some celery I want some lettuce and a couple tomatoes right you have no idea how hard that was for me because I was like over there like are the words going to come out of my mouth properly and you know what that anxiety did ironically it actually made me mess up even more okay I was afraid of making mistakes and that fear that anxiety made me mess up more and now when I don't care about it it's like I'm not stumbling over my words anymore like I used to because I just

don't care so anxiety really really really messes us up okay another dark side of wanting to sound like a native if you sound like a native speaker when people speak with you they are going to automatically assume you have the same cultural competency as a native speaker the same linguistic competency so then if suddenly they say something thing like using an idiom and you have no idea what they said or what they meant they're going to be like how do you not know that you might get met with some reactions like this where people are

trying to understand how you don't know something so basic in their mind because you sound so much like them does that make sense so they automatically assume that you know what they know so anyhow in my case I often pretended to be a lot more competent than I was which I think is an awful thing because instead of asking questions like oh wait what do you mean or what is that related to or what is that about of of course I would do that sometimes but there were there would be other times where I had

no idea what was going on and I would just smile and laugh at the table talking with everybody like I understood you know it's like I'm faking competency rather than using that as an opportunity to learn and sharpen my skills I was embarrassed I was embarrassed for people to realize that I didn't know or didn't understand and again I just think it's so silly because generally speaking people are really kind I mean how many times have we experienced somebody being totally totally awful towards us for our linguistic abilities usually it's like one awful experience or

two awful experiences and then we might just keep going back to that but the majority of the experiences that we have with other people when we don't know something or understand something they're usually very positive at least that's what it's been in my case right so anyhow whenever I couldn't deliver on these expectations of competency I would just feel like a fraud like I'm not good enough I'm faking it this is and I was you know so it's like I don't know why I did that for so so long but it got to a point

where I remember one time my husband and I we were traveling we were in Italy and his family was going to come from Argentina to Italy and we were all going to meet up there and I was actually kind of dreading this on one hand I was really looking forward to seeing everybody and on the other hand I was like oh my gosh I'm going to have to speak Spanish because with my husband I mostly communicate in English and he communicates with me in Spanish so we have this constant exchange of languages but usually he's

speaking Spanish to me I'm speaking English to him and I just remember I was absolutely dreading this and then there was like a part of me that just woke up and snapped out of it and was like Stefanie this is ridiculous look at how you're allowing your anxiety to interfere with beautiful moments and experiences in life the crazy thing is at this point I was a fluent Spanish speaker I had lived in Argentina for years my pronunciation was amazing it's like I had achieved it all basically I could tell jokes I could sometimes I would

mess up my grammar my vocabulary maybe was still lacking in some areas but overall like I was able to communicate but because I had created this whole thing of wanting to sound exactly like a native and not make any mistakes and all these things it basically created this monster in my mind that made me constantly afraid of communication and I that's when I realized this is ridiculous like when I set out to learn Spanish if I knew that one day I'd be at this level that would have made me so happy right that would have

made me so happy but instead it's like I was hiding I couldn't even enjoy conversations and and I remember this one time we had like a dinner party at my husband's um parents house and some travelers were passing through town and I don't know friends of the family or something but I think they were from somewhere in Europe maybe Switzerland or something like that Germany I'm I'm not quite sure Denmark I don't know uh but they came over and I just remember this group there were a couple ladies and maybe a man I don't remember

exactly I just remember how much they laughed and all the stories that they told they were literally having a ball they were having so much fun talking with everybody but here's the thing their Spanish was definitely beginner to intermediate right they were making themselves understood but they had very strong accents they were not using the correct words they were not speaking like natives or anything like that and yet they were having so much fun and I was like and here I am with a wonderful beautiful native like accent and all the anxiety in the world

so I can't even enjoy basic conversations so in many instances when you want to sound like a native you actually lose power and control you put yourself in a vulnerable position because you're putting yourself in a position to be judged if you want to sound like a native who is the person that gets to determine whether or not you sound like a native you have no control over how other people perceive you some people might think like wow you sound like a native and other people might say like no you have a strong accent okay

so I'm going to try to wrap up this video by summarizing some of these points maybe sharing a couple new ones and then I want to give you some advice based on my own experience so when your primary goal in learning English is to sound like a native and that is something that you obsess over the way I obsessed over obviously that can create a lot of anxiety it can make you feel afraid of making mistakes it can hold you back from speaking up and sharing your ideas and having a good time and rather than

focusing on true self-expression and just enjoying who you are and using the language as a tool a means of communication you're focused on seeking praise and approval from others even if you don't quite admit it maybe even to yourself you also might get caught up in mastering a performance to fool others so your self-expression is not authentic it's more a performance where you're trying to get others to see you in a certain way you're focused on how they see and perceive you rather than on just living the moment another thing this was very true for

me is when you're constantly focused on copying others you're going to have a little voice in your head that is asking you 24/7 is this right is this correct is this how a native speaker would say it right so again your communication is not coming from a place of authentic self-expression it's is this correct is this how a native would say it because anything less than that is just not okay right and I really want to encourage you obviously to get away from this type of thinking because you're going to enjoy the journey more and

you're going to learn and grow and improve in your English so much more so much faster okay and eventually you might reach your goal anyways of sounding and speaking like a native but you don't have to focus on that goal in order to reach that goal okay and focusing too hard on that goal can actually make your progress even slower if you just focus on practicing speaking embracing who you are in the language having fun with the language okay all of that practice is naturally going to help you practice pronunciation connected speech rhythm intonation all

these things which in turn could lead to you sounding more and more native like as time goes by but if you want to sound like a native so bad that you're embarrassed of making mistakes forget it because you won't practice therefore you won't improve therefore you won't ever sound like a native okay so I'm going to end by giving you two really important pieces of advice that I really wish someone had given me years and years and years ago when I was learning Spanish let's say that you really love the way that I speak okay

for example and you're like oh my gosh Stefanie I love the way you speak I want to speak like you I want to sound like you okay great great that's awesome okay here's what I recommend you can use me and my speech and my pronunciation as a role model absolutely for training purposes for inspiration etc but don't get so involved in imitating my voice that you fail to find your your own because I guarantee your voice is going to be amazing okay the your pronunciation your accent your combination of linguistic abilities okay it's so unique

there is no other person in this world that is you okay that has your exact background your exact life experiences and you need to bring that to life and I don't really think you can bring that to life if all you ever do is focus on copying other people you need to give yourself permission to find your voice and to really be you so again having a role model is perfect I actually highly recommend that that is one of the things that helped me improve my pronunciation and my accent so quickly when I was on

my journey okay it really really helps because there are so many different types of Englishes in the world if you are you know imitating a bunch of different people it might not help you hone in on your pronunciation but when you have a role model you can focus on imitating them but then you can also adjust and say you know what Stefanie uses the glottal stop a lot for this sound or that sound and I don't really like it so I'm going to do this one instead you have choices that you can make when it

comes to accent and you will still be perfectly well understood and that's the goal right to be understood to be clear but also to be confident in who you are as an English speaker okay and my next piece of advice that I highly highly recommend is that you allow your accent to change shift and develop naturally over time as a result of pronunciation practice self-exploration and self-expression okay don't try to force a change in your accent too quickly okay because then your accent can just sound kind of exaggerated almost like a cartoonish version of English

or something like that but allow your accent to change and and your pronunciation right to change and shift and develop over time with small changes right as you're exploring who you are in English and how you want to communicate as you're imitating other people but let's just release this burden all together collectively in this community at least let's just release this burden to sound a certain way and to be a certain way in English this is a journey of exploration and I wish honestly truly I wish that when I started learning Spanish as a 14-year-old

I had a coach that told me all of these things and can say look this is about you this is your journey this is about you blending all of your linguistic abilities this is about you expressing yourself in a new language this is about you gaining confidence and being comfortable and not feeling like you have to conform to a certain standard in order to be accepted or anything like that anyhow that is it feel free to share your your comments your ideas and I just want to let you know that I will link some really

cool stuff in the description I have lots of free resources on my website for those of you who are actively working on your English and trying to improve I hope you enjoyed this video and I will talk to you soon bye