Thank you for [cheering] watching. Thanks for joining us here ON UM YOU KNOW, THIS IS ONE OF those nights where it's hard to do a show like this. It's hard to find things to laugh at.
And um this is one of those nights. You know, terrible things happen every day. Sad things happen, tragedies, cruelty, injustice, etc.
And in most situations, it's just a bad part of life. But what do you do when something terrible happens and a big group of people, including those who are running our country, tells you it didn't? They tell you you're not seeing what you clearly see.
Are you supposed to just accept it and move on? Go about your day. What do we do?
I mean, you all know what happened in Minneapolis yesterday. And if you haven't seen the video of what happened, you should watch the video because as horrible as it is to see a woman shot by a person who sworn to protect us, it's important for us to know what happened and what is happening because if we don't, it's definitely going to happen again. And you know, there used to be a baseline of truth that doesn't seem to exist anymore.
And there used to be a baseline of decency, like when let's say a beloved director and his wife were murdered allegedly by their own son, a leader would either say something nice or say nothing at all. And those days are gone. Maybe not forever.
Hopefully not forever, but for now they're gone. We now have the full force of the White House and the commentators who have decided that their job is to support anything and everything their leader says and does, trying to convince us that a mom who just dropped her six-year-old off at school was part of a left-wing terror effort. >> The deadly incident that took place in Minnesota yesterday occurred as a result of a larger sinister left-wing movement.
>> These vehicle rammings are domestic acts of terrorism. This was an act of domestic terrorism. These were, it appears, to be paid agitators.
>> This is a woman who was in severe crisis. She lived a very sad and very chaotic life. It is clear that she tried to use her vehicle as a weapon, mow over an ICE agent, >> a huge SUV with a lunatic woman who guns the gas pedal.
>> When you point a car at somebody, it's no different than pointing a gun. And when you step on the gas, it's the same as pulling the trigger. The officer, I think justifiably, shooting her in the face.
>> It's time for Americans to say enough. And if you get in the way of the government repelling a foreign invasion, you're going to end up just like that lady did yesterday. >> A foreign invasion.
These foreigners who invade our country, they barge into our homes. They start feeding our children, mowing our lawns, and every time we pay them, they come back and they do it again. And of course, everyone you saw took their cues from the president who falsely posted on social media that Renee Good, the woman who was killed, said she ran over the ICE officer, which is clearly not true.
I mean, look at the I don't think anyone with eyes other than him would make that claim. Our Secretary of Homeland Security, Christy Gnome, said it was an act of domestic terrorism, which is just flatout dis. This woman, this unarmed mama, a devout Christian, by the way, who had no criminal record, driving a Honda Pilot trying to get away from armed men in masks in the snow.
Masked men were screaming at her. Weird to believe this woman was a terrorist committing a terrorist act. And the fact that ICE shot through her windshield three times, that was her fault.
The ICE officer was, as Chrissy Gnome put it, following his training, which how stupid do you think we are? That is not just an insult to Renee Good. That's an insult to every law enforcement officer everywhere.
They're not trained to do that. Again, I encourage you to watch the video for yourself. And by the way, I know it isn't easy to work in law enforcement.
I get that people make mistakes in the heat of a situation, but don't try to tell me that went by the book. Apologize, investigate, let justice be served. I I find it hard to believe that even people who love Donald Trump would go along with this, but I guess they do.
So, uh, anyway, after the terrible mess they made, somebody had to go out to try to justify this, and Trump wasn't going to do it. So, he tapped that old sofa pumper JD Vance to go out there and do his best to defend the indefensible. >> And I say attack very, very intentionally because this was an attack on federal law enforcement.
This was an attack on law and order. This was an attack on the American people. >> No, come on.
This was not an attack on the American people. This was an attack on one American person. >> You just suggested that this woman who was killed, Renee Good, is part of a a broader left-wing network.
Who do you think is behind this broader left-wing network? >> Well, it's one of the things we're going to have to figure out. But here, here's the way that I put it.
When somebody throws a brick at an ICE agent or somebody tries to run over an ICE agent, who paid for the brick? >> Great analogy. That guy is is one spoiled Wendy's Baconator away from being the president of the United States.
I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Mike Pence. >> There's a part of me that feels very, very sad for this woman. Not just because she lost her life, but because I think she is a victim of left-wing ideology.
Well, we think she got shot by an ICE agent that you and your boss sent into Minneapolis. I think maybe all that Maybelline is poisoning his brain or something because and then we have the engineer who's been driving this crazy train when it comes to immigration. Trump's deputy chief of staff, Steven Miller, Trump's other little penis.
Uh Steven Miller is said to be the architect responsible for many of Trump's subhuman im immigration policies. He also called the incident d domestic terrorism. Now, the writer Michael Wolf, who has multiple books about Trump, had an interesting story on his Substack today.
He said back in 2017, Steve Bannon introduced him to Steven Miller, who was a young guy working for Steve Bannon by saying, "Now this is a real fascist. " He called Steve Bannon called him Gerbles. He was the like weirdo at the office.
Miller, by the way, grew up here. He went to Santa Monica High. He actually got a copy of um the high school yearbook the year Steven Miller went.
It's very interesting. He was We have some photos. He was voted most outspoken, which is I think a nice way of saying most punchable.
That's him in the Here he is posing. That's a high school student, by the way. That's a Look at that hair.
I You know what? This might be a Lex Luthor type situation. Like he went into a Taco Bell.
He got splashed by a scalding hot gordita Supreme and burned off his hair and he declared war on Latinos for the rest of his life. Here is a weird Steven traveling alone to the prom. Here he is boldly going where no virgin has gone before.
You'd think a guy who dressed up in a Star Trek costume would have more tolerance for aliens, but I guess not. We even found some video from his high school days. Uh Steven Miller ran for class president in his high school, and this is a speech uh a child from a wealthy family actually gave his fellow students.
>> Every [clears throat] candidate that's ever been elected >> has failed through one important thing, action to make the year better. But I will. Okay, here's how.
>> I will say and I will do things that no one else in their right mind would say or do. Let me give you an example. >> Am I the only one who is sick >> and tired of being told to pick up my trash?
We have plenty of janitors working. [cheering] >> That's right. You're going to get a whole year of that.
What a lovely young man, huh? Even for 2002, that was apparently too much. And then, so then when they tried to bring up the next speaker, all of a sudden, it was okay to resist the authorities.
>> NEXT UP, THANK YOU, STEPHEN. [laughter] >> NEXT STEP. MY HUSBAND, [cheering] >> this is crazy.
LIKE [cheering] >> and they marched him straight to the White House where he is now. So, he's always been like this and you can read all about it in his new memoir, Born a Douche. [applause and laughter] I'll get you a copy for your birthday gear moment.
>> Oh, thank you, D. [laughter] Meanwhile, you remember that uh newspaper, the New York Times, the one Trump says is fake and failing and biased and he's suing for $15 billion. Well, yesterday he sat down for a 2-hour interview with them, which is uh a lie.
You know, you spend two hours in the Oval Office, there's a good chance someone's going to come in and and spray paint you gold. So, but in October, Trump sued the Times for defamation. He was able to somehow put that aside for his two favorite activities, sitting and talking about himself.
This is a photo from the interview shot from I believe that shot from the hidden camera Putin had installed. They haven't released the whole interview yet, but I'm hoping they asked if he made a a New Year's resolution because uh well, this is interesting. According to a study of 182 cities, residents of Seattle, Seattleites are the most likely to keep their New Year's resolution.
Seattle is the healthiest city and people tend to go along with what they decided to do. LA clocked in at 43rd place and in last place Butterfried Twinkies Arkansas. In second place was Scottsdale, Arizona.
If you live in Scottsdale, you are very likely to keep your resolution, especially if your resolution is to wear more turquoise. I didn't make a resolution this year. I'm so perfect I couldn't think of anything.
But and same with a lot of us here at the show. So to come up with ideas, we uh tried something fun, an experiment. We asked everybody on staff to text their parents the same thing to ask for suggestions on what they could work on this year.
And this one's from my assistant Max. He wrote to his mother, "What should my New Year's resolution be? Anything you think I should work on?
" His mother wrote, "Pay your own cell phone bill. " That text cost Max $1,100. One of our segment producers, Harry, asked her mom the same question.
She said, "What should my New Year's resolution be? What could I work on? " Her mother said, "You should definitely work on trying to answer my texts the same months I send them.
" Okay, I'll try. This is from Gabby to her mom. Uh, thinking of doing a New Year's resolution.
Any thoughts? What could I work on? Her mother responded, "Can you talk?
" Lol. Never mind. Here's an exchange between our producer Flory and her dad.
He She wrote, "Do you have any New Year's resolutions for me? " He said, "Take a cooking class as you seem to enjoy cooking and baking. Maybe a wine course after that.
Keep enjoying dining, but reduce the portions a little. Keep in contact with all the friends you made in your life. Thank you, Dad, for the eating disorder.
And finally, uh, well, Jamie is one of our writers. Jaime's mother always has something good to say. Thinking I'll do a New Year's resolution this year.
What do you think I should do? Mom says, "I'm glad you asked because I was just talking to Betty about this. You should stop sticking out your tongue during pictures.
>> [laughter] >> Just a nice normal picture. No head tilt, no tongue out. Be regular with your face.
Here are a few examples I showed Betty. [laughter] Jamie goes, "Did Betty agree? " She says, "Yes, everyone at Ma Jong agreed.
" [laughter] You showed everyone at Ma Jong. Sure. I didn't want to be rude.
Well, thank you parents. Um, we're all glad we moved. [applause] And one more thing, uh, it is Thursday night and that means it's time to bleep and blur the big moments of the week on TV.
Whether they need it or not, it is this week in unnecessary censorship. There was a time when was for God, for king, for glory, for Americans. We expect to see in Venezuela of all kinds, long, short.
We'd love this all kinds of >> I hope everyone's inspired to go eat a for lunch after this briefing. >> So when he first got elected in January, we you know biggest ever we talked about like >> so really >> uh I think Matty G has an idea. >> Oh yeah.
You have an idea? You take a hot steaming >> Well, no. I had a couple say, "Look, I could have Trump call me all the time.
I just have to his ass a little bit. " It's [laughter] just like I believe that when people come in my house, I really care about them feeling super cozy, super comfy, >> especially with how expensive everything is nowadays. >> Absolutely.
Okay, great tip. We've got more. We're going to take a quick break.
>> We have UFC flyweight champion Valentina Chevenko. She's going to [applause] [cheering] >> She's going to fist mark. It's going to be amazing.
