welcome one and all to a late show I'm your host Stephen Colbert it's good to be back what if I missed anything anything big I am coming to you from the late shows new temporary set the historic Ed Sullivan my house why did I wish to be home more on that cursed monkey's paw Plus now I've got to wash the monkey's paw for 20 seconds with curse soap now you may have noticed that even though I am at home and we're in casual circumstances I am wearing a suit all right I'm doing that for two reasons a it gives me a sense that I am at a job and B I do not have a physique that lends itself to casual clothing I just want to do anything to make things seem somewhat normal that's where I'm wearing full makeup and I shaved my legs mm-hmm I got my family helping me out here my son is over here as my tech and my cameraman right over here you want to put your hand in front of the camera there say hi there there we go write that Cora one more time a little higher and higher in that there you go and then my daughter did my makeup tonight I think think I looked rather nice hello mm-hmm you like please tweet your responses also let me know if you want me to keep wearing a suit or if you want me to a dress more casually and shows to come alright hashtag suit or no suit we're all adjusting for instance I've taken to Washington my hands so much they're turning to dust then of course I have to moisturize them so I spend a lot of my time doing this which looks evil but it's not oh no we're just doing our part to flatten the curve it's the only way to stop the virus seriously wash your hands some positives have come from this self-isolation has turned this into a golden age for pets in fact my dog Benny is so happy I'm around he actually follows my commands when we go for a walk he actually heals the whole time I thought I had a bad dog it turns out I'm just a terrible owner who's a bad owner I am yes I'm a terrible owner look no look what he's so well trained now he's so well trained now where we're really communing we've got a lot more in common okay bye okay bye oh yeah oh yeah there you go he's not gonna leave though there you go come on we have a lot in common now we both eat our food out of cans and we're both learning to stay I also freaked out when I see a squirrel outside the window okay there we go this is going very smoothly I could tell this is perfectly sustainable thank you now I know a lot of you out there are stressed because we're all in isolation and no one knows how long this is gonna last but I have a simple message for all of you America you got this you have been training for this moment your whole lives every cancel plan every 2:00 a. m. Netflix binge every GrubHub order from the restaurant across the street it was for this we're Americans there's nothing we do better than not doing things yes we're the country who put a man on the moon yes but we're also the country where 125 million of us stayed at home to watch it on TV remember like the old motto says united we stand devided narcs hospitals are already stretched thin which is why yesterday and it is shocking to see the city began setting up a field hospital for coronavirus patients in Central Park the Central Park Hospital is just like a regular hospital except after your doctor treats you you really should put a dollar in his guitar case it's just nice of course this is a tough time for New York's doctors nurses and medical technicians and the maintenance staff they are working inhuman hours under terrible conditions to save our lives so every night at 7 p.
m. to show their appreciation New Yorkers have done this [Applause] [Music] that is beautiful I have never been more moved by applause that wasn't for me plus all over the country medical schools are graduating their seniors one month early so they can join the front lines and in New York 76,000 health care workers many of them retired volunteered to help with the crisis and these people are older and it more at risk so they're putting their lives on the line for others so let me be the first to say okay boomer today helped arrive in the form of the Navy hospital ship the USNS comfort named of course for Civil War general Ezequiel T comfort here's the ship passing the Statue of Liberty steering clear of Lady Liberty which is good because she's looking pretty green then the ship steamed up the Hudson River and docked somewhere right around here this is an incredibly moving site one that none of us ever thought we'd see a ship that's normally deployed to war-torn areas urgently rushing to our nation's largest city and yes it does look like something out of World War two but whatever you do don't go kiss a nurse they're really busy and they have to stay sterile now the comforts arrival is great news for New York City and also for me because it's finally giving me the opportunity to pitch my sexy maritime hospital drama captain doctor MD hello I'm captain doctor MD I'm here to fix your heart with my surgeon hands and then break it with my dark smoldering eyes come aboard my hospital boat to meet my sexy team of intern sailors slash lovers cuz on my ship we put the ho in land ho remember if this hospitals are rockin that's because it's a boat now welcome aboard me captain doctor MD you're my first mate but you won't be my last CBS all access you get first dibs but move on it because I hear qui be wants seven seconds of it now since the Big Apple's the current epicenter of the kovat 19 outbreak residents of other states are rallying together to support New Yorkers and by rallying I mean running them out of town Florida Governor Ron de santis expanded his travel restrictions from hot zones in New York and Louisiana saying there will be checkpoints for those who try to drive into the state however these are Florida checkpoints so if you're a shirtless felon with a trunk full of pythons and meth welcome home a little farther north and Maine armed vigilantes chop down a tree to block a driveway and force their neighbor to self quarantine lumberjack vigilantes the only way this could be more main is if they dressed up as a lobster and chop down the tree with a moose antler or dressed up as a moose and chop down the tree with a lobster dealer's choice so why did locals think these people had coronavirus even though they showed no signs of being sick the victims who had lived in Maine for over a month we're targeted because of their New Jersey license plate folks no one should be ostracized because of their license plates unless it says Co video I have a dream a dream that one day we will judge our neighbors not by the state on our license plates but by the contents of their car because do we not all have a penny crusted to the inside of the cup holder who among us does not have a box of tissues on the back window that flies around like a rectangular bullet every time we take a sharp turn it's time we throw away our fears and it's time we throw away that jar of nuts we keep in the glove compartment in case we're stuck in a snowstorm you're never gonna eat the nuts and it never snows anymore now every American is grateful for all of our heroic medical workers and we want to make sure they get all the supplies they need all of us want that well except for this one guy it's a New York Hospital very it's packed all the time how do you go from 10 to 20 to 300,000 10 to 20,000 masks to 300,000 even though this is different something's going on and you ought to look into it as reporters wear the mask going are they going out the back door really accusing medical workers of stealing masks that's like frisking mother Teresa on the way out of the orphanage check the pockets check a pocket she could be smuggling out some gruel that's so this is how short Mother Teresa is I'm having to lead down just to get to her pockets Trump is very suspicious of these workers I think people should check that because there's something going on well it's not I don't think it's hoarding I think it's maybe worse than hoarding what is worse than hoarding does he think they're holding underground eyes wide shut and medical supply orgies where the masks wear masks and why haven't I been invited but in the midst of this pandemic Trump remains focused on the most important thing his ratings quoting a New York Times story he tweeted this yesterday President Trump is a ratings hit since reviving the daily a White House briefing mr. Trump in his corner virus updates have attracted an average audience of 80.
5 million on cable news roughly the viewership of the season finale of The Bachelor a hundred and fifty thousand Americans are infected 2,500 Americans have died and he is excited about his ratings you know it reminds me of the Hindenburg coverage it's burning and bursting into flames and this is gonna get amazing ratings I'm gonna be famous somebody called my agent oh no the truth is this new way of life could go on for a while because yesterday Trump announced that the federal government's guidelines for social distancing would last until April 30th another month indoors to spend with your new best friend Tyler be tube I love you Tyler April 30th of course is moving the goalposts for Trump because he kept saying we'd be done as early as Easter which everybody knew was never gonna happen and remember even Jesus said let the children come to me but in about six to eight weeks in fact I'm just gonna stay in the tomb for a few more days I'm immunocompromised I'm just getting over a bad case of being dead I'm paraphrasing obviously this pandemic has grown so severe that we're seeing things we never thought we'd see for instance Trump learned an actual fact it's up to 151 countries think of it 151 countries somebody said to me today that wasn't in this particular world they didn't know that we had that many countries 151 countries at something so let me get this straight when he saw how many nations are struggling with this virus he thought there sure are a lot of nations I'm gonna say that's the wrong take away it's like seeing your grandma fall down a flight of stairs and saying wow I did not know the human body had that many bones Trump revealed that when this pandemic began some people advised him not to do any social distancing at all we had a lot of people were saying maybe we shouldn't do anything just ride it they say ride it like a cowboy just ride it ride that sucker right through you heard that right ride it like a cowboy advice that no doubt came from the acting head of the CDC lil dr.
