-Donald Trump sent a message to Norway complaining that he didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize, which is not decided by the government of Norway. And in that same letter, he threatened to invade Greenland, which is a part of Denmark, because he didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize, which he thinks is decided by Norway, which it's not. And also it's a different country than Denmark, which oversees Greenland, which is not Norway.
[ Laughter ] For more on this, it's time for. . .
Oh, nope. My bad. That was yesterday, sorry.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look. " [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Well, the news has once again gotten dumber and more exhausting. It's just another day living in Donald Trump's snow globe, where the snow is cocaine and it never stops shaking.
America's been through a lot over the years, but the one thing we've mercifully never had to deal with was a president who had a boner for winning awards. You're the president of the United States. That should be award enough.
Except this guy gets elected and his next thought is, [As Trump] "Better make room in the trophy case. " [Laughter] You know why I think it's so bad right now? it's movie awards season and it's just making them crazy with jealousy.
Like he's complaining to Melania every time Chalamet wins another one. [ As Trump ] Mel? !
Mel, are you watching the Globes in your own bedroom? The separate one that has a double bolted lock? Well, Chalamet won again.
Mel, that probably makes him a frontrunner for the Oscar now, Mel. So that's two he has that I don't, Mel. [ Blow dryer whirring ] Mel, when you turn on your hairdryer, it makes it harder to hear me, not easier.
[ Laughter ] By the way, in an alternate universe, I love the idea that Trump's just a guy in Queens who gets cast as one of those weird looking guys in "Marty Supreme. " Just give me my paddle. [ As Trump ] You owe me money, Marty Supreme.
And I'm keeping the paddle until you make me whole. Cut! Yep.
What's this guy's name again? Don? Hey, Don.
Don, Tim's character's Marty. Not Marty's Supreme. So can we just get that line again?
[ As Trump ] Yeah, but the movie's called "Marty Supreme," though. Yep. But, yeah, his name's Marty.
[ As Trump ] Yeah, I feel like that's gonna confuse people. Where. .
. ? [ Laughter ] Where did you find this guy?
You said, "Get me a weird-looking guy with an orange head. " They don't have those at [bleep] Juilliard! Alright!
[ Laughter ] And if it seems like I'm getting lost in multiple tangents, I can explain. I'm living inside a cocaine snow globe! [ Laughter ] Trump's desperate craving for rewards is getting so bad, even the news is having a hard time explaining his actions.
-President Trump is also now linking his threats against Greenland with his not being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Try to follow me here. -No!
[ Laughter ] It's never a good sign when news anchors talk like Vin Diesel in "Fast Five. " [ As Vin Diesel ] Try to follow me! [ Laughter ] It shouldn't be this hard to make sense of what the president says and does on a daily basis.
Trying to follow Trump's logic's like getting way too high and staring at a Magic Eye poster. But it's even worse than that because it turns out it's not even a Magic Eye poster. There is no hidden image.
It's just a bunch of random letters. Turns out it's an eye chart and you're just totally baked at Warby Parker again. But please continue with your attempt to make sense of the president's ravings.
Sorry. The president's remarks. -In a letter to the Norwegian Prime Minister obtained by Bloomberg, the president wrote in part, quote.
. . He went on to write that although thinking about peace will always be predominant, now he can, "Think about what is good and proper for the United States of America.
" Trump added, "The world is not secure unless we have complete and total control of Greenland. " -First of all, I love that he's basically saying, here's how important Greenland is -- If you'd given me a shiny new medal, I would have let you have it! [ Laughter ] Second, you didn't give me the Nobel Peace Prize, so now I have to invade another country is an insane thing to say.
That's like if I said to my kids, "You didn't get me a "world's number one dad' coffee mug, So I'm moving to Thailand to blow your inheritance Sam Rockwell in 'White Lotus' style. [ Laughter ] I know you're too young to get the reference, but when you get older, you can watch the episode and you're not gonna be happy about it. Should have got the mug!
" [ Laughter ] Also, I'm sorry, but while we're on the subject, I have to point out that this made up statistic Trump keeps repeating that he stopped eight wars is also nonsense. -President Trump has not settled eight wars. That list includes various wars, various situations that were not even wars, and some conflicts that have not actually been resolved.
-So the eight wars Trump resolved include wars that were not actually wars, and wars that have not actually been resolved. [ As Trump ] I stopped eight wars including "Infinity War," "World War Z". .
. [ Laughter and applause ] . .
. "War of the Roses," and of course, the "Star Wars. " Think about it.
There's no more. You used to look at the sky, there was so much lasers. [ Laughter ] I remember one time in the Oval Office, Yoda came up to me, Big Yoda, strong Yoda, tears pouring down from his giant alien eyes down to his little green nose, and he said to me, "Mr President, sir, again, great America make.
" [ Laughter ] And I said, "It's so true, Yoda. " [ Laughter ] And not only are some of those wars not wars or not resolved, some of them are also just not real. -I solved wars that was unsolvable, Azerbaijan and Albania.
To think that we settled, uh. . .
Azerbaijan and Albania as an example. It was going on for years. It was never going to be settled.
It was an amazing thing. And we settled a war that was not settleable, as the expression goes. Cambodia and Armenia, it was just starting and it was a bad one.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] The Cambodian/Armenian one was just starting. When someone remembered they were 4,000 miles apart, it might just be easier to let that one go.
[ Laughter ] But he's right about Azerbaijan and Albania. That was a big one for everyone, but especially with Trump voters. The three most popular T-shirts at his rallies were "Lock her up," "Let's go, Brandon!
," and. . .
So because a country that does not govern Greenland did not give him a Nobel Peace Prize for stopping wars that were not wars, Trump is now threatening to start a new war with Denmark, which is not Norway, which does not control the Nobel Peace Prize. In fact, Trump is so desperate for a Nobel Peace Prize that at this point he's basically shopping for hand-me-downs in thrift stores. -There is disbelief in Oslo today over the news that Nobel Peace Prize laureate María Corina Machado gave her medal to President Trump.
The White House posted this picture of the Venezuelan opposition leader presenting Trump her peace prize in the Oval Office yesterday, as she fights to win his political support. -Look at that. He actually accepted a secondhand Nobel Peace Prize with someone else's name on it.
[ Laughter ] That would be like if John Oliver offered me one of his "Last Week Tonight" Emmys, and I accepted it. Not that he's offered. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I think he has enough by now, but.
Machado is a Venezuelan opposition leader who wants to be president, so she gave her Nobel Prize to the man who currently calls himself Venezuela's acting president, to curry favor with him. Unfortunately, Machado did not get any sort of commitment from Trump on that, but she did get something almost as good. -Apparently, in return.
. . The president gave her a swag bag with his signature.
-So she gave her Nobel Peace Prize. And he gave her what I assume you get when you renew your membership at Mar-a-Lago. [ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] There's some autographed pictures in there, a coupon for a free Denver omelet at the breakfast bar.
Gotta be a rough briefing with her staff when she gets back. Did he assure you he would make you president? Uh, no, but he did give me a keychain that plays a little song.
-♪ It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A ♪ [ Laughter ] -By the way, this entire spectacle is pointless because the Nobel Prize does not belong to Trump and never will as the Nobel Committee made clear. -Despite Machado's gesture to the president, the Norwegian Nobel Committee says. .
. -He's such a grub the Nobel Committee had to issue the same disclaimer they make you sign when you buy a ticket on Spirit Airlines. "This ticket is non-transferable, so there's no getting out of it.
You're stuck flying Spirit. " Has this ever happened before? Has a prestigious organization ever been forced to issue a statement saying you can't just take someone else's award?
Does the Lombardi Trophy have tiny print on the bottom that says, "Do not give to jets"? [ Laughter ] We used to be a country of laws and norms with independent agencies, co-equal branches of government. It was imperfect.
It was flawed. But the president had to operate within a system. His impulses were constrained.
Now we live in a cocaine snow globe that shakes with the arbitrary whims of one man. And as long as Donald Trump holds that snow globe, it is much like the long running war between Albania and Azerbaijan. .
. -. .
. never gonna be settled. -This has been "A Closer Look.
" [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Mid-tempo music plays ] [ Music stops ] Aah!
