The other day I watched a YouTube video where a veteran came home to surprise his wife and young children. There were tears rolling down everyone's cheeks. The children were holding onto their father for dear life.
Even the dogs were bouncing off the walls. There was so much compassion and love that I started crying too. And I don't even know these people.
Your energy and emotions are contagious. We transfer our energy to each other all the time. For better or for worse.
Often without realizing it. Maybe you've seen how one grumpy co-worker can sink the mood of an entire conference room of people. Or how one energetic sports fan can get the whole table of people cheering for their team.
These are just three examples of what I call energy transference. And when I say energy I'm not talking about particles, radiation or thermodynamics. I'm talking about energy.
Like your personal feelings, moods and attitudes. The people around you can feel your positive energy. And it can even shift their energy from negative to neutral, neutral to positive.
And if you're upset your negative energy can make others upset. I have seen how long-standing disputes have circled around the world endlessly. Leaving so much pain and suffering.
So I decided to go for my PhD in dispute resolution. I wondered if there were alternative ways to resolve conflict. So in my research I interviewed 11 professional mediators and facilitators.
They had decades of experience with major companies, governments and family counseling. They all agreed that positive energy transference is an innate ability and a learnable skill. One that you can use in your daily life.
Everyone can act as a mediator. Whether it's in a formal mediation or in a merger, a conflict with a co-worker, an argument between friends or strangers. Or even at home in the middle of the kitchen floor holding two children back as they throw punches at each other.
So today I'll tell you how to resolve conflicts transferring energy, and using your positive energy. But first, a word of warning. To succeed, all parties of the conflict must want to work it out.
In my first marriage we went to a divorce counselor and the first question she asked was. Do you want to work this out? I said, "no not really.
" So she said, "well sorry I can't help you. " So we turned around and walked back out. So assuming that's not the case here are three simple steps to unstick a conflict move it forward using your positive energy and come away with a peaceful resolution.
Step one: Prepare. One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a mediator is to jump right into a conflict when the emotions are high. Whenever possible, the best bet is to set a future date and time.
When the emotions and energy can settle and deflate giving you the opportunity to get ready for the conflict. And to start shifting positive energy into the mediation. For example, say your daughter wants to go bungee jumping and dad says, "no way.
" So she comes to you and asks you if you can help her talk to him. You think it's a crazy idea to tie a rope around your ankles and jump off a 500 foot bridge. But you can't say that because you're the mediator.
So this is what you do instead. You schedule a time that's convenient for everyone. You meet in the most comfortable room that has no distractions.
You make sure that everyone has a glass of cold water. You meditate for a few minutes to eliminate outside distractions. This will allow you to focus, stay impartial, and bring your positive energy into the mediation.
Step two: Diffuse and move forward. In step two you want to observe, listen and ask questions to diffuse the conflict and move it towards a collaboration. Asking neutral questions will make people stop and think.
During this pause, we'll allow negative energy to start diffusing. During that time the negative energy and emotions will start deflating and that'll give you time to shift positive energy into the conversation. For example, I was a project manager and we were installing a major software system for a payroll system.
The contracts and schedules were finalized, and the client requested a major change in the vendors. And this caused a heated conflict between the groups doing the work. Once you've prepared for the conflict you have to sit down with all the major groups and start asking neutral and non-threatening questions.
Ask questions like, "Well how much will this cost? " and "When can it get done? " This will give you the intent that you're suggesting a collaboration.
And you're going to ask what do you think about this new change? This will help people diffuse and feel like they are validated. And also ask, "Are there other possibilities that we haven't considered?
" This will refocus on new ideas rather than fixed points of view. So when the smoke has cleared and the stone faces begin to melt, that's time to get a consensus. Once that's completed you have that positive energy going for you.
So, step three: Step three is to make an agreement. I was told in the interviews that the energy in the room is constantly moving and changing. And once the energy is neutral that's time to get a consensus.
In a verbal or written agreement. That's true in business in interpersonal conflicts too. I co-mediated conflict between three college roommates.
And we discussed everything from who would take out the trash on which days to how they would use the open living space. And even though this was a mediation between friends we still wrote up a written agreement with specific steps to make sure there was no misunderstandings. I believe that there's a resolution to all conflicts.
It just takes a willingness to try. Your positive energy. That comes from your compassion, empathy, and sincere intentions and it's your desire that sets it in motion.
So I believe that everyone can use their positive energy to resolve the next conflict in their life. Thank you.
