I recently attended a small gathering and honestly I felt so bored and UND stimulated you know I knew everyone there pretty well but the conversations just were not flowing no one was asking follow-up questions and the topics felt very onedimensional we all want to leave a social setting feeling good and on that day I did not instead I left frustrated thinking why is everyone so boring and the next few days I could not stop thinking about it you know I replayed some of the conversations and my head pondering questions like what would have made it
more enjoyable and were the others having a good time and of course the dreaded question was I the boring one and all this made me wonder what actually makes a conversation good and what makes a bad one and so I started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences that I've had to use as a case study here is some background to the scenario that I picked lunch date with guy I was dating tall dark handsome it was date number six by the way can you imagine being this guy and seeing this video of me
writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable this is why I could never date a YouTuber they are weird now of course this video is not about that date or that person in particular we are just going to use that scenario to try and generate some more indepth understanding of the complex art of having good conversation the General Admissions gate the General Admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone and now of course there can be countless reasons for why we might
not want to engage with someone everything from their appearance to their behavior or even just our mood in that moment now obviously date number six so he had passed the admissions gate already and then comes the add-on or levels we will call it level one which is there is some level of interest in that other person and this interest could be anything really you know it could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to Sydney a place that you have always wanted to visit or could be a colleague you bond with over share
love for tacos or it could simply be just someone having really great sense of style as for my date level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other and started messaging because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by now the reason I mentioned this is because often times we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person whether we are romantically interested in them or we find them entertaining or just intellectually stimulating you know our reason for
having level one interest in someone can vary greatly but if you on the other hand find no interest in that person at all regardless of reason you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either okay now that you and this person or in my case me and this guy are on a level one basis let's break down the conversation itself but from the very beginning because it actually starts before the conversation itself so let's take a look at what I mean let's picture two different scenarios with this guy who we will just call
guy from here on here is scenario one guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table guy keeps his coat on he puts his phone on the table and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full he had a meal before he came here and here is scenario two guy and I enter this lunch place he goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat he leaves his phone out of sight and he orders a proper meal now some people may not even take not of any
of these things but I think most people do and sometimes subconsciously so here is what scenario one signals I am not making myself comfortable I'm not feeling relaxed I'm open to being distracted and I don't plan on staying for that long I knew we were having lunch but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway here is what scenario 2 signals I am making myself comfortable I'm in no rush I plan on being present with no distractions from my phone and since we agreed on lunch that's what we are doing I want to be
here now why does this matter because feeling relaxed comfortable and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation we want to feel like the other person wants to be there and we're constantly subconsciously and otherwise picking up cues that signal these things to us all right you're both seated now you and whoever in this scenario it's guy and I and before discussing the conversation itself let's take a look at the initial body language and let's do the scenarios again scenario one guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye
contact as we are beginning to converse which is said to be 50% of the time while you are speaking 70% of the time while you are listening he also has an open posture you know slightly leaning in towards me subtly stroking my arm when appropriate and then observing how I respond his facial expressions Expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation he smiles as I tell him something that excites me he looks concerned when I tell him something heavy scenario two guy leans back arms crossed scanning the room hardly looking at me as he
speaks or as I speak his face is mostly expressionless not changing as I tell him something exciting nor when I tell him something heavy and now here is what scenario I 1 signals I'm listening I hear you I feel relaxed and I'm glad to be here here's what scenario 2 signals I'm not interested I'm not really into you or this conversation I'm distracted I am tense I'm not fully present now let's talk about the conversation itself starting with active listening so besides body language what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really
listening number one guy did not rush me when I spoke he wasn't bursting to to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke number two he responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements so let's say that I told Guy this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt you know my mom would always added to our fruit bols growing up but my sister never liked it here's an example of a good follow-up question that guy could
ask do you still add Himalayan salt to your apples like your mom used to do and what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on here is an example of a relevant follow-up statement because you know a good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions it also consists of statements so perhaps he could have said something like my mom also used to make us fruit bows peers instead of apples though and you know those pyramids that you can get at X Market they've become sort of nostalgic for me now and
here's an example of something guy could have said that would be neither a question nor really a statement but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's just disinterested oh that's crazy and now conversation is not even all about just follow-up questions and statements sometimes it's about acknowledging and validating the other person both verbally and Via body language so for example let's say someone says my trip to Australia is only 5 days away if relevant you could enthusiastically say something like I can tell that really excites you if it's not
a question it's simply acknowledging their emotions or if they share something heavy like it was hard losing a friend like that saying something like it seems like this change has been really heavy on you or something you know it makes the other person feel seen and supported number two the conversation remains within your frame of comfort so your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation who you are having a conversation with it's just def fense way of saying what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to and I find
that some of the best conversations are when you both are able to pick up on it Without Really verbally expressing it like you just intuitively know what's appropriate to say and what isn't there is this underlying agreement and now it's not always obvious you know finding that balance between showing interest and curiosity about a person without being intrusive and overstepping a boundary I mean I literally had a hairdresser ask me how much money I make once you know it's worth mentioning here too that our personal boundaries are often very much influenced by things like our
culture and our upbringing and now if you unsure about a topic or conversation a good way to remain respectful as to First say something like you know I'm curious about something but I understand it can be a bit of a sensitive topic for some people so please don't feel any pressure to respond number three smooth transition of topics and depth of conversation we tend to enjoy multi-dimensional dialogue when we get to feel and experience different types of emotions when we're talking to someone so guy and I you know we would talk about some very deep
meaningful things and we would also be silly and keep it light-hearted and we were able to go from one topic to the next just seamlessly number four for a 50/50 talking listening ratio now it doesn't need to be exactly 50/50 every time it's really just that a good conversation feels balanced you feel like you have listened to another person you have allowed them to speak and open up while also feeling hurt and like you got to say what was on your mind no one wants to feel like they are just an ear and no one
wants to feel like they need to carry the entire conversation number five tone of voice and energy level we've all been there you know you're spending time with someone and you can barely hear what they say I have been in situations where I need to hold my breath while they speak just so I can hear them and now naturally that's going to be exhausting and there's also the Other Extreme end of that where the person is so loud that it makes you uncomfortable where they will loudly yell out something like what he cheated with Lila
from HR and no consider ation for the fact that it's kind of a sensitive topic and not every single person at the restaurant needs to know what we are talking about and now naturally you know we all have different tones of voice and energy levels when we speak and we don't need to match perfectly with another person in order to be able to have an enjoyable conversation but it is quite a relief when you are somewhat synced and guy and I were like that you know I could breathe and still hear him and I also
did not have to worry about everyone hearing us it just felt harmonious number six comfortable silences so in between talking and baning guy and I would chew our food at peace and we would occasionally you know lean back for a brief moment inviting bits of silence and I find that being able to do that makes social interactions feel less draining especially if you are introverted I know to me you know it's not even just about wanting to have pauses while conversing it's also because I genuinely want to take a look around once in a while
you know I find it interesting to see who's at the restaurant what is the vibe like what song is playing people watch and whatnot if we are constantly talking and there's no space for a small break I can't really absorb my surroundings and I wish to do that it just makes me appreciate the experience more number seven that thing that you cannot pinpoint look sometimes we just click with some people I don't know if there is science behind it I don't know if it's pheromones chemistry hormones spiritual I don't know all I know is that
it happens so even though perhaps the other person was too loud and they kept their coat on and they talked way too much about themselves you still left feeling good and inspired and excited and like you want to see them again now let's touch on some of the things that have the potential of making a conversation feel like a negative experience and I will try to bring up points that aren't simply the opposite of everything that I already discussed number one excessive expressions and Body Language it's the constant mhm yeah yeah yeah yeah so I
do this and I try not to I do it as a way to validate the other person like I want them to really know that I'm here I'm listening but it becomes too much it's not necessary I know when someone else does it it makes me feel so stressed like I need to really rush through my point because they are getting impatient they just want me to finish my sentence number two they agree with every little thing that you say this is one of those things that makes a conversation feel disingenuous now of course we
like it when we have a lot in common with someone and when we seem to agree on a lot of things but we can also appreciate having different views with people and to be introduced to New Perspectives but even more so we want honesty and authenticity and I think it's safe to say that there is no way that you can 100% agree on every little single thing that we talk about number three no intellectual exchange this is not about being pretentious and quoting ancient philosophers every other sentence to seem like an intellectual it's simply about
being well read being up to dat with some current events perhaps having a similar educational level although not always necessary and just being able to understand each other you know at the very least being open and interested in learning about various things so let's say you are on a date platonic or romantic and much of the conversation consists of oh what's that oh I've never heard of that never try that don't know where that place is don't know anything about that you know it can make it difficult to relate to one another and it become
very UND stimulating if they never really have anything to add number four not respecting or ignoring personal space there is this personal space illustration where the Fest is social the closer is personal the closest is intimate thankfully as a suite we love personal space it's a cultural thing I wouldn't say it's at all a regular occurrence that someone is standing way too close to your face but it does happen and the most confusing thing is when you feel someone this close to you you can like feel their breath and so you subtly you know take
a couple steps back and then they follow you why are you following me now not respecting personal space can also be you know insisting on having a conversation or asking a question that the other person is clearly not interested in or it's making them uncomfortable it can also be things like sending multiple messages when it's not being reciprocated come on we're all spending a ton of time on our phones and sure you know we will still be busy we have a lot going on but we have seen the text at least I'm 90% sure that
we have we have seen the email and we're either too busy to respond at the moment and so we will respond at a later point or we're just not interested and we will not respond at all stop the double texting and by the way this I think is a way more of a personal pet peeve of mine rather than general advice number five any level of rudess or disrespect this one is a no-brainer you know if someone is being rude making inappropriate jokes belittling you or anything that feels disrespectful it's of course not going to
be a good experience number six excessive complaining and negativity so this is me I'm afraid I hate when I catch myself doing this even something seemingly innocent like complaining about the weather I just don't want to be that person you know I want to make weather appropriate plans wear weather appropriate get close and go with it and now of course we can complain sometimes in fact I think we should complain sometimes I don't know if there is any science to back this up but I think it's healthy in small doses sometimes you know you need
to vent to your friends that's not even complaining and you may want to discuss different perspectives you know you need to relieve some stress that is all fine but what we're talking about here is The Chronic complainer where their mindset is just so negative and it just clouds even you and it can be quite draining and now look most important of all you should know this and I should know this there is not a blueprint for a good conversation just like there is no blueprint for success or finding love we just do our best and
sometimes it goes the way that we want it sometimes it does not and you just need to be absolutely okay with that every encounter is different every person is different every relationship ship is different there is a time and there is a place for example there are plenty of situations where shallow level small talk is perfectly appropriate and even enjoyable and then there are situations where going deeper is the right move there are times when we don't want follow-up questions because we're just not interested in going deeper with that person and then sometimes that is
exactly what we wish to happen it's important to be mindful of the situation that we are in you know who we're speaking to and to pick up on their cues and to respect their boundaries we need to fully understand that no one owes you a good time or any time at all actually and neither do you owe others that I think a word that beautifully sums up what we are ultimately experiencing in those rare really good conversations is inter subjectivity which is something I just learned about I guess you could say it's just a fancy
way of referring to that shared understanding meaning and connection between people it's like when part of you connects with another person even if it's just for a moment and then you come back to yourself it's the process by which people come to understand and relate to each other's inner worlds and it goes beyond just having a conversation it's the mutual understanding that builds over time through meaningful exchanges
