Why We Isolate Ourselves and How to Reconnect

I think most of us agree that social  isolation is a complex issue. It feels a bit like a classic ‘chicken and  egg’ dilemma. We might ask ourselves: did our feelings of unhappiness and despair  lead us to retreat into social isolation?

Or, conversely, is it the social isolation itself  that causes unhappiness and despair? Or is it perhaps a bit of both? Social isolation doesn’t  have to be a bad thing per se.

In some cases, retreating for some time can be beneficial. On  the other hand, social isolation can wreak havoc on one’s mental and physical health, which  has been well-documented by researchers. In the latter case, we’re probably not that happy in  our isolation, even if we tell ourselves we are.

What drives us to withdraw from the world,  choosing solitude over connection? Is it the peace we seek or the fear that lurks  within? Social isolation affects millions.

This video explores social isolation,  why we do it, and how to stop it. Also, I proudly present a recent  collaboration with After Skool, which led to a beautifully animated video  about Lao Tzu and his Taoist philosophy. Check it out on the After Skool YouTube  channel.

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According to the World Health Organization, around  1 in 4 older people experience social isolation, and between 5 and 15 percent of adolescents  experience loneliness. Studies found that feeling lonely and socially isolated are more common than  ever. And the stakes are high.

Numerous health experts argue that lacking social connections is  as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. They observe associated medical conditions, including  infectious diseases, anxiety, depression, and premature death, as stated in the VCU Health  magazine. U.

S. Surgeon General Dr Vivek Murthy called loneliness a national epidemic. And let’s  face it: according to a poll by the American Psychiatric Association, 30 percent of American  adults felt lonely at least weekly over the past year, while 10 percent felt lonely every day.

Psychologist and researcher Louise Hawkley points out evidence of a link between social  isolation and poor sleep quality, impaired executive function, accelerated cognitive decline,  and impaired immunity at every stage of life. So, these conditions don’t only seem to affect older  people; younger people who are socially isolated are at risk as well. Unfortunately, social  isolation is also common among young people.

The Japanese Hikikomori is an example of a  significant group of socially isolated youngsters. These modern-day hermits (mainly consisting of  young men) have isolated themselves from society, generally stay in their parent’s homes,  and often spend their time playing video games. A recent study found that the Hikikomori  risk factors positively correlate with social withdrawal tendencies, depression, and anxiety. 

The study also concluded that social withdrawal affects the individual, their loved ones, and  society as a whole. As the Hikikomori generally rely on caregivers (mainly family members),  they put these people at risk of burnout. So, in some cases, social isolation burdens one’s  direct environment, although not always.

Many people live in isolation while being largely  independent of their surroundings. But these independent loners aren’t off the hook. A 28-year study examined loneliness and found a link between loneliness  and conspiracy theories.

I quote: We show that people reporting high  levels of loneliness in adolescence, and those who experience increasing  loneliness over the life course, are more likely to endorse  conspiracy worldviews in midlife. End quote. So, could it be that these echo chambers we’ve talked about in past videos are mainly  inhabited by lonely people?

It makes sense that, as one is socially isolated, one could lose touch  with society, and one’s views about the world may become distorted. As one’s real-life social  interactions and encounters with people are scarce or non-existent, and exposure to social media and  all kinds of dark corners of the internet is high, it’s pretty plausible that this individual adopts  strong but warped beliefs about reality. Also, it’s common for terrorists and school  shooters to be ‘solitary actors,’ people who operate alone and have been getting  ready for their actions in solitude.

Of course, this phenomenon doesn’t mean all  loners are potential murderers. As I said, social isolation is complex; its effects  vary per person. Some even fare pretty well in social isolation, such as the  hermits living in the Zhongnan Mountains deeply contemplating their faith.

For others,  social isolation is akin to the pits of Hell. Most people grow up in a social  environment, starting with one’s family, then school, and then, often, work. During our  lifetime, we have the opportunity to make friends, build our social circles, and get to know  people in all kinds of shapes and forms.

The lucky ones have mainly positive experiences  (or, at least, they perceive it so) and spend most of their lives well-connected to their  social environments. But there are also less fortunate ones: these people experience  not-so-positive interactions with others, sometimes to the point of shutting the door  to humanity. Trauma, grief, disappointment, and distrust of others: these things  commonly lead people to isolate socially.

My videos on loneliness and solitude have  generated countless comments, which contain valuable examples of why people socially isolate  themselves. But another thing we shouldn’t overlook is an unfortunate occurrence that drives  many people toward social isolation and keeps them away from others. This monster keeps growing as  long as the isolation remains: social anxiety.

I’ve been reading a book lately about social  anxiety written by psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, which explores the link between social isolation  and social anxiety in its introductory pages. Social anxiety is based on the fear that people  will see something wrong about you and reject you, according to Hendriksen. This fear often  accompanies physical symptoms such as trembling, sweaty palms, and a shaky voice.

For many, social  anxiety, which is basically shyness on steroids, is so uncomfortable that they will avoid  social interaction as much as they can, at least the forms of social interaction  that arouse anxiety, which could be very specific. For example, around fifteen years ago, I  experienced a panic attack in a hotel lobby during an unpleasant conversation with a receptionist.  For years, I avoided hotel lobbies until I found the courage to push through the fear and check  myself in.

This avoidance as a coping behavior for social anxiety can become so persistent that  we eventually avoid social interaction altogether, as we don’t want to experience the discomfort it  brings. Unfortunately, avoidance won’t improve social anxiety. It most likely makes it worse.

And  by giving in to it, we hijack ourselves. I quote: No matter how it manifests, social  anxiety holds us back in our work, keeps love and friendship from deepening,  and leaves us miserable and lonely. End quote.

I get it: being afraid often evokes shame. But still, a dislike of people usually  stems from fear. Maybe we’re not as introverted as we believe; perhaps we’re not as fond of solitude  as we’ve been telling ourselves.

Maybe, underneath the justifying stories lies a fear of people’s  judgment, rejection, and showing ourselves and revealing who we truly are. There could be a  deep fear of getting hurt again by, for example, an intimate relationship with a narcissist. Whatever the reason is we socially isolate, we could ask ourselves: how has this been helping  so far?

Has it been an effective coping mechanism? Are we happier ever since? Or does it make  us miserable, lonely, maybe even resentful?

Suppose we shut the door to the outside  world and resort to our own quarters, our own little domains, spending our days  in solitude. We are free to do, speak, and act as we please, away from the painful  judgments in other people’s gaze. We don’t have to deal with people anymore, we don’t  have to attend to anyone, we don’t have to take anyone’s needs and feelings into account. 

Isn’t that an easy and convenient way of life? Solitude can be a blessing. Personally, I’m  enjoying my alone time.

It’s liberating and grants a dose of peace and quiet. But too  much of anything is just what it says: it’s too much. What’s too much is different for  everyone, so only you know how much solitude is too much.

Is it too much when significant  feelings of loneliness creep up on you? Is it too much when you build resentment for a  world that you’re hardly part of? Is it too much when you’re losing touch with reality and lose  yourself in the world of conspiracy theories?

It’s something everyone decides for themselves. If we're content in social isolation without burdening our caregivers, that’s great;  but chances are, we're not happy at all. Chances are we’re suffering.

But despite our  suffering, we would still rather be alone, avoiding social interaction. It’s easier to  keep away from each other. It’s easier to avoid specific anxieties we have.

With socializing  comes a risk. It’s scary. You can be hurt.

So, in a sense, avoidance is easy. We don’t  have to face our fears. We don’t have to put ourselves in situations where we can be hurt.

Let’s revisit Schopenhauer’s Hedgehog Dilemma, which I covered in a previous video. This dilemma  illustrates how hedgehogs move closer for warmth during cold weather but hurt each other  with their sharp spines in the process. So, they move apart again but then suffer the cold  weather.

If you’re suffering in social isolation, you’re in the cold. And to get warm,  you’ll need social connection, which, according to the dilemma, comes with pain. Now,  the question we could ask ourselves is: what’s worse?

Is it suffering the coldness of loneliness?  Or the painful spines? Could it be that the spines aren’t always that painful?

Or is the pain there  but fleeting? Could the warmth we get from social connection be more profound than the occasional  stab? Could Schopenhauer’s assessment of interpersonal closeness be a bit too pessimistic?

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that people with more  social interactions are generally happier, which is even true for introverts. Psychologist Melanie  Greenberg wrote about the study’s results, saying: Both introverts and extraverts were happier when  they interacted socially than when they did not. But introverts seemed to be especially happy when  they were having more in-depth conversations.

End quote. This study isn’t the only academic resource showing a link  between social interaction and happiness. A vast body of research reveals the harmful effects  of social isolation and loneliness and the strong correlations between social connections,  community, and overall happiness and well-being.

Social connection might seem daunting for the  socially isolated, especially for those suffering from social anxiety. But the juice may be worth  the squeeze. Sure, the risk of disappointment and rejection always looms.

But the benefits that  lie beyond that risk could very well be worth it. Ultimately, the need for social interaction  depends on the person. Some fare well in isolation, but many others—the majority, I  suspect—don’t really want to be there.

As a lover of solitude, I believe I need less social  interaction than the average person, but the need is still there. When deprived of interaction,  I, too, feel lonely. And this loneliness adds up over time.

I’ve realized that I value my slice of  social interaction, and it’s worth fighting for. The way to end social isolation is to get out  there and connect with some of the billions of people on this planet. It’s really that simple. 

In theory, that is. Because even though there are billions of people we could potentially connect  with, there are barriers that stop us from doing that. And, for a great part, those barriers  lie within.

Unless you’re physically obstructed from socializing with people, having social  interaction is possible. But there could be some internal blockages stopping it from happening. I have been shy as long as I can remember.

And during college, I developed social anxiety as  well. It significantly improved, although I still experienced it in some specific settings and  situations. But I found that after the pandemic, I was more anxious than usual.

At least  for a significant part, my thoughts are the root cause of my anxiety. These thoughts  could be about the world, how terrible it is, and how unpleasant people are as a whole. These  thoughts could also be about my inadequacies or certain fears about specific situations.

One way to overcome social isolation, which I found helpful, is to challenge and replace  my thoughts. Is the world really that bad? Are people really that judgmental and unpleasant? 

Do people really think I’m weird and unworthy of friendship and intimate connection? Chances  are that by mere reflection and honest assessment of reality, we realize that our thoughts  are lying to us. The mind is a master at catastrophizing.

Chances are it needs correction. We can see social interactions more realistically by identifying and challenging irrational  thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, “Everyone will judge me,” we can reframe it  to “Some people might notice my nervousness, but most won't care, and it doesn't define  me.

” This shift in thinking can make it easier to take small steps toward reconnecting  with others. Acceptance also plays a part: accepting our flaws, awkward moments, and people  behaving in ways we don’t like; that these things are not disasters–no reasons to hide under  a rock–as we can handle them. Schopenhauer’s spines may be painful, and the risk of getting  stabbed is there.

But is this a reason to avoid social interaction forever? To, for example,  deprive ourselves of friendship and intimacy? Epicurus, the ancient Greek philosopher, regarded  friendship as a profound source of happiness.

He also regarded life’s pain as something we could  easily tolerate. According to Epicurus, the worst pain is sharp but short-lived, and enduring  pain is weak enough to bear. We could consider his perception of pain when taking the daunting  journey out of social isolation, trusting that we can overcome whatever obstacles we encounter,  such as rejection, ridicule, and judgment.

By remaining in social isolation, we don’t just  risk mental and physical issues; we also risk missing out on the richness of human connection  and the many experiences that come with it.