being the youngest child could mean that we had to grow up faster than our other siblings did we could have felt like what we had to say wasn't ever important or that by the time our parents got to us they didn't really want a parent anymore have you ever felt a sense of panic around a basic task like paying a bill like you're being asked to do something above your pay grade have you ever found yourself looking around the room for the adult before you realize that it's you if you experience any of those things
or you are the youngest sibling keep listening I think this video will help you understand the family dynamics that contribute to those kinds of Sensations I'm going to break down five patterns we see develop in youngest siblings and what causes them number one learned helplessness learned helplessness is a psychological phenomenon where individuals develop a belief that they have little or no control over their circumstances leading to feelings of powerlessness and passivity even when opportunities for change or Improvement are present if youngest children were excessively sheltered or protected by their parents and older siblings during childhood
they may have lacked opportunities to develop Independence and problemsolving skills as adults they may struggle to assert themselves or take initiative in unfamiliar situations feeling dependent on others for guidance or support a lot of people think of the youngest as being spoiled and that can be true but they can also be treated like infants for too long here's an example Sarah is the youngest of three siblings in her family growing up her older siblings were always more assertive and confident often overshadowing her accomplishments and decisions her parents tended to intervene and solve problems for her
her siblings took on more responsibility and as a result Sarah developed a tendency to defer to others rather than grow in confidence of her own abilities so let's fast forward in her adult life Sarah receives a bill in the mail for an unexpected medical expense as she reviews the bill she slowly starts to feel more and more overwhelmed and anxious about how to handle the situation despite having the financial means to pay that bill Sarah finds herself Paralyzed by indecision and uncertainty she feels childlike helpless she doubts her ability to navigate the process of contacting
the healthc care provider understanding her insurance coverage or setting up a payment plan the fear of making a mistake or being unable to handle the situation on her own reinforces her belief that she's incapable of managing her finances independently despite knowing that she should take action to address the bill Sarah procrastinates and avoids dealing with it hoping that someone else will intervene or provide some guidance this pattern of learned helplessness perpetuates a cycle of inaction and anxiety further eroding Sarah's confidence and sense of control over her life life do any of you youngest siblings relate
to that feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities wishing that someone would step in and help you out maybe you call your parents or older siblings to help you make sense of things or decide what you should do either way let's keep moving number two identity confusion when I say identity confusion what I'm describing is a sense of uncertainty or ambiguity regarding our own sense of self values and our beliefs like we don't know who we are what we like and don't like and we aren't sure of ourselves so much of what we understand about who we are
is formed in early childhood and for the youngest child by the time they come along there's a lot about the family that's already been formed we don't always get the opportunity to explore our own interests and make independent decisions we may play the sport that our sibling plays or the musical instrument that we already have the clothes our big sister just wore and these things can seem really small but often a youngest child can feel uncertain about their own preferences and desires we never got to make a choice or do the things that we wanted
it's as if it was already determined by our older siblings as an example let's consider Frank Frank was the youngest child his interests and decisions were influenced by his older siblings preferences and activities with hand-me-downs and shared resources Frank has felt constrained in expressing his own individuality and exploring his own interests independently when growing up he often felt like his role was to be the talkative or exciting one so he got used to getting attention and being the life of the party and his family always seemed to be thankful that he filled that role as
an adult he appears to be super successful he has lots of friends and people enjoy him but he often finds himself deferring to the group on decisions about where to eat or what to do even when he's asked to make the decisions and the plans for the night he still has other people help he isn't sure what he likes or wants to do if no one is there to talk to him about it but he does know his role and can liven up any event or party he's a great personality the problem is he doesn't
know who he is aside from the role he plays in a group have you ever felt like you only know how to act when you're in a group setting or like the only role that you can play is the person with the big personality number three need for external validation of course we all need validation but the youngest sibling may find a heightened need of approval not just to affirm selfworth but to validate our experiences decisions and even our perspectives of the world some of us like validation so that we feel safe and loved and
with youngest siblings I tend to see that they also look for external validation to know what's right or true we're often told what is true or right or what to do by an older sibling or parent rather than being a part of the decision-making process youngest children are often associated with getting lots of attention or being spoiled and that can be true but this attention may have been more focused on nurturing and protecting which can foster dependence we learn that we're only safe when under the wing of an adult and I'll come back to why
I'm putting air quotes in there in a minute but consequently the youngest child can develop a heightened sensitivity to seeking approval from from others to validate our own worth and choices Alex grew up in a happy home he's the youngest of five so when he came along he had a lot of parents his siblings loved to help him with anything he needed as an adult Alex notices anxiety around decision-making he finds himself relying on others opinions and preferences to guide his choices whether it's deciding what movie to watch or where to go for dinner Alex
defers to others rather than trus in his own instincts fearing criticism or judgment if he makes the quote unquote wrong choice he even finds himself asking for a lot of feedback after doing something on his own always needing someone to tell him if he did it well his own perception of how he's doing never feels like enough or like it can be trusted despite his talents and potential Alex's dependency on external approval hinders his ability to assert himself confidently and pursue his own path in life is it hard for you to validate yourself do you
look to others for their support and reassurance more than you'd like I know I do sometimes number four looking for the adult in the room do you ever have that feeling in a staff meeting or when having a difficult conversation where you keep waiting for the adult to step in and I put this in air quotes in the last section and here because one thing that youngest siblings can struggle with is feeling childlike and because of this we're always looking for the adult in the room we aren't sure when we will feel like or become
an adult all we know is that that's not how we feel now because of this we can have an intense relationship with authority figures either challenging them constantly kind of like a teenager or respecting them and looking to them to make all the decisions growing up in a family structure with older siblings often establishes a hierarchical dynamic where the youngest child occupies the lowest position in the pecking order and this ingrained hierarchy can foster a sense of deference to authority figures even peers like our siblings right and that continues as youngest children grow into adults
we can perceive ourselves as subordinate and obligated to obey those impositions of power or authority because that's pretty much how we grew up Emily grew up as the youngest of three siblings in a family where her older siblings of often took on leadership roles and made decisions for the family from a young age she learned to obey her older siblings directives and seek their approval to avoid conflict or disapproval Emily felt compelled to adhere to her older siblings rules to avoid being excluded from activities or decisions as an adult Emily finds herself in my therapy
office because she's frustrated with her salary she feels angry and irritated that her boss hasn't given her a raise I ask a few questions and it becomes clear that she hasn't asked for a raise before and doesn't know if she can do it when I talk to her about the process of advocating for herself and asking for more money she acts like that's a responsibility that's above her or out of her reach she wants me to tell her the things to do and to get her boss to see that she deserves it I've also seen
this play out whenever I hear my patients talk about being called into a meeting and being afraid that they're getting in trouble now the moment I hear these words it gives me insight into the way that my patient may be thinking and feeling like they might be feeling childlike as if their boss who is in many ways their equal is an adult and they are the child they might be getting good feedback or even negative feedback but that sensation of getting into trouble is an indicator that they're experiencing a child adult Dynamic and we really
don't want that to be present in what should be an adult adult Dynamic have you ever worried that you are going to get into trouble have you used those phrases or thought that the person's going to reprimand you who is also an adult I know I have number five recklessness if you are a youngest sibling or you know a youngest sibling you may notice a pattern of Reckless Behavior maybe it's not extreme or dangerous maybe it's more like we don't seem to stress about the fact that our rent is due and we don't really have
the money or maybe even we forget to pay you back for dinner the other night now this can happen for many reasons but in some families youngest siblings may have been overprotected and so we may not have been exposed to the same level of adversity or Consequences as our older siblings also parents and older siblings may have been more lenient or forgiving towards us excusing our mistakes or overlooking our misbehavior this differential treatment can create a sense of entitlement or immunity to consequences in youngest siblings leading us to believe that we can engage in Risky
behaviors without facing the same repercussions as our older siblings as a result we may approach adulthood with a sense of navite entitlement or overconfidence underestimating the potential risks associated with certain behaviors or decisions David grew up as the youngest of three siblings in a family where his parents and older siblings were particularly protective of him being the baby of the family David was often shielded from potential risks or challenges with his parents and siblings stepping in to prevent him from experiencing failure or adversity whenever David made mistakes or misbehaved his parents were quick to excuse
his actions or Overlook the consequences citing his status as the youngest child as an adult David is in a romantic relationship but despite their strong emotional connection their relationship is often strained due to David's Reckless Behavior and reluctance to take responsibility for his actions David frequently makes impulsive decisions without consulting his partner or considering the potential consequences for example he may make extravagant purchases or commit to spontaneous trips without discussing them with his partner beforehand his impulsive behavior leaves his partner feeling unsettled and frustrated as she wishes for more stability and communication in their relationship
a of course none of these things are true for every youngest sibling as they're dependent on a lot of factors besides birth order things like family Dynamics parenting Styles and even our culture in fact some of you may be the youngest and it played out in exactly the opposite way that's how I kind of am I'm the youngest child but I also have that eldest daughter type stuff maybe your parents weren't as available or around maybe rather than experiencing overprotection you experience neglect and some of you may not be the youngest at all but you
still relate to all of these things because you experience some of these Dynamics all of this can play a role in how we experience the world and engage in our relationships but these patterns are most commonly seen in those of us who are the youngest siblings in our families I also know that being the youngest child could mean that we had to grow up faster than our other siblings did we could have felt like what we had to say wasn't ever important or that by the time our parents got to us they didn't really want
a parent anymore but what do you think do you think birth order matters did I leave a pattern or behavior out let me know in those comments below and thank you so much for [Music] watching
