I'm semi-successful non-celebrity Robert Mac (audience laughs) from robertmac. com. (audience laughs) I know what you're all thinking.
"Hey, who canceled? " (audience laughs) I was here a couple years ago. Who remembers?
(audience cheering) Me either. (audience laughs) Last time I was here I was telling a story and I ran out of time. So, I thought I'd finish it now.
(audience laughs) Let me get it out real quick here. And that's why it's called Lake Titicaca. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) The end.
(audience laughs) Sorry about the cliffhanger but you know you wanna hear that one again. (audience laughs) I come from a large family, homo sapien. (audience laughs) Any others?
(audience applauding) Wow. A bunch of homos. (audience laughs) I took the 23andMe DNA test and I'm mostly Polish and other Eastern European and then some other European and a little bit of Native American and I'm 1.
3% Jeff Goldblum. (audience laughs) (audience applauding) I'm a big fan of science. I follow it religiously.
(audience laughs) And the famous science man Charles Darwin once told me (audience laughs) that humans and all creatures, we have the same biological drive. It's to survive and then propagate the species. And if you've ever been to an airport or tried to park at a Trader Joe's, you've probably noticed there are a lot of us.
We are one of the successfulest propagators on the Earth. (audience laughs) So much so now that we're choking the planet, which we need to live. We're not done with the lease yet and I don't think we're gonna get our deposit back because global warming is out of control.
But I have a great idea on how to fix it. Everybody needs to run their air conditioner all the time with their windows open. (audience cheers) It's a no brainer which is how I thought of it.
(audience laughs) When you're hot, you turn on the air. When the planet's hot, doy, just turn on the air. What could be obviouser than that?
I got the idea when I saw a cat go from the sun to the shade. Yeah, when hot add cold, you'll be less hot. I don't know what part of that flow chart is tripping all you guys up but even Mr Pickles has it figured out, all right?
(audience laughs) It's not rocket surgery, okay? (audience laughs) It's a button. You know what's great about our leaders in Washington?
Me either! (audience laughs) It's all talk and no action. It's not the greenhouse gasses I'm worried about.
It's those white house gasbags because all their hot air is only making the globe even warmer. So now we've got a big problem and a whole bunch of complainers but only one thinker. Moi.
(audience laughs) I'm a problem thinker. I've got a problem thinking right now. It's called operation chill off.
Which is what everyone needs to do. Just chill off. That's what my mom Pat always says to me because sometimes it gets too hot in the basement for me to sleep but (audience laughs) I didn't come here tonight to talk about Pat because she's not the boss of me right now.
(audience laughs) I came here to share great ideas on how to lower temperatures around the world. Here's one, convert to the metric system. (audience cheers) When we convert to the metric system, temperatures will drop 50 degrees overnight, fact.
That's a scientific fact. (audience applauding) Convert, drop 50 degrees, instant global colding. (audience laughs) "Oh, they got the metri system "in Scandinavia.
It's not hot there. "Is that magic? " "No, it's metric "and I know the difference.
" I love magic ever since I was a little kid and my dad disappeared. (audience laughs) Abra-ca-dad-gone. Just like that.
(audience laughs) I didn't come here tonight to talk about Rick, all right? And I know what you're thinking, sir. You're thinking I don't wanna convert to the metric system because then we'll have a much of metricans come into our land.
(audience laughs) Well, then you're a measurist and you need to chill off because (audience laughs) once you go metric, you won't go back. Am I right, ladies? (audience applauding) What are you gonna do to stop 'em?
Build a wall? A wall 1,100 kilometers wide and like nine gallons tall? Well who do you thinks gonna measure that wall?
You are, with your yardstick? No way, Joseph. A metrican is.
(audience laughs) Well, you're totally digressing the subject, Mr Interrupter. The problem isn't metricans, it's global warming and we need to save the planet so we can have a place to live. Hola!
(audience laughs) And I have a great idea for that. All right, if you, if you see someone who doesn't recycle or they keep the water on while they're brushing their teeth or they leave all the lights on in their house when they leave, if you see someone who does that just don't mate with them. (audience laughs) And that way we can breed those traits out of the gene pool.
(audience applauding) Don't mate, don't date, don't fornicate, don't propagate, don't copulate, don't even cop a feel, all right? Because those, (audience laughs) those jack butts are killing the planet mostly with plastic, yeah. Did you know 40% of all plastic is used only once and then it's gone, a waste.
Yeah. That's like a liberal arts degree or something. (audience laughs) (audience applauding) Whenever I order my iced double decaf butterscotch cappuccino and it comes and there's a little bit of paper at the very top of the straw, I recycle that paper, all right?
And then when I'm done, I get the straw and I feed it to baby dolphins. They love 'em. Yeah.
(audience laughs) They think they're little burritos which are the perfect food and they don't have hands so that's the closest. And I know, (audience laughs) all right, I know about burritos. I grew up outside Detroit in a little town called Tucson, Arizona.
(audience laughs) Which is like burrito headquarters but now there's all these artisanal places like L. L. Bean Burrito Company and you have to get the portobello burrito which are these condescending mushrooms that are marinated in white wine and then reduced with black beans and goat cheese and fresh cilantro and then it's pureed and put into a pastry bag and squirted into this organic hand-tossed holy tortilla topped with a sun dried tomato white wine butter sauce on the side and mixed baby green salad, roasted pine nuts, and a red pepper vinegarette, and a blue corn polenta with a tequila lime chutney, and sprinkled with amaranth and quinoa.
(audience applauding) Mm, yeah, so good. (audience cheers) Just the way the Incas had their burritos. (audience laughs) I had one of those things that fancy people have in the morning, day job.
I had a day job and (audience laughs) the first thing you have to do when you have a day job is you have to get up early in the morning. And that's inconvenient for me because they don't give you a wake up call from the office. "Hello, rise and shine.
"Time to get out of your manjamas "and come on down to the office "so we can steal your best ideas. " No, you have to get up on your own early in the morning. So I had to get this alarm clock.
Have you seen these, anyone, Bueller? It's like a regular clock but it's hooked up with this alarming device and what it does is it wakes you up abruptly in the morning which is the best way to get up when you've been unconscious for a third of a day according to napticians and sleepologists. You don't wanna get up gradually.
No, you get up like a jackrabbit! Oh wow, don't wanna miss the rush hour, right? So you get up and you shower and you pee-pee and you have some coffee and for me, that's too many hot liquids at one time.
(audience laughs) I don't think that's good for your system to have hot liquids coming in and going out and getting shot at you. But that's what you do. You wake up and it's hot liquid, hot liquid, hot liquid.
And then you go outside and it's unbelievable how many people are outside in the morning time. You wouldn't believe how unbelievable it is. Believe me.
I would guess like 50% or maybe even as many as half of all the people are up in the morning. And they're not all sparkly faced about it, right? There's a million people there, they're all trying to get over here and there's a million people here and they're all trying to get over there.
It's really not organized well at all. You know, why don't you guys live there and work over there and you guys could live here and work over here? But no, they wanna do this Chinese fire drill every morning for three hours.
(audience laughs) I would take the number nine bus, which I call the comet because it comes once ever 78 years and, (audience laughs) 'cause you don't wanna be in bed anymore. You can't get any work done there where it's soft and quiet and warm and comfortable and peaceful and mellow. No, you wanna get to the place where you don't wanna be.
That's where you wanna be, the place you don't wanna go, the office. And I worked in this big office. It was like a cube farm.
There was a lot of cubicles but nice, very nice people that you could bring their pets. Some people brought a prairie dog in the morning and they go, "Look, there's a prairie dog. " And I go, "Where, where is it?
" And then they go, "There's a prairie dog. " And I look around and I. .
. (audience laughs) I never saw him but that, (audience laughs) that doesn't diminish their experience. (audience laughs) They asked me to make some coffee and they said the coffee was the best they've ever had and nobody after that was allowed to make coffee or even go anywhere in the kitchen.
So, they were really nice to me. But I had to stop working there because it's none of your business, but. (audience laughs) Now I've got this strange fascination.
I'm like addicted to office supplies. I love 'em, right? At end of last summer, I was at the big office supply place and I'm checking out the staplers because Swingline's got a new model, the 646.
It's a little modular desktop thing. But then there's, for the copy room, there's this big Bates 224 XHD extra heavy duty power arm. That thing's a revelation, all right?
It's got a breech load in the back. You can stick in two clips of the extra long chisel points which are really good for quarterly reports. And then there's this lock back feature if you need to staple onto something else.
Like if you're putting up a Bradley Cooper poster on the inside of your cubicle because sometimes maybe you get lost in his eyes. And then there's the little twirly plate in the front that spins around so the staples know whether to come out curled in or splayed out. And I'm checking it out and then my daughter goes, "Dad, Dad, "they have left-handed scissors for me.
" And I'm like, "Oh yeah, right, the kid. " We're supposed to be shopping for school supplies and. .
. (audience laughs) So I put down the Bates 224 XHD extra heavy duty power arm and she's on the school side, I'm on the office side where they have office furniture and the little fridges that you can hide under your desk and then the motivational sayings that are etched onto rocks. So there's a bunch of the rocks that say, "Don't talk to me "until I've had my coffee" or "You're gonna crush it today" or "Work isn't what you should do "or what you plan to do.
"Work is what you do do. " And so there's-- (audience laughs) But she's on the, over in the, she takes me over to the scissors pavilion. It's like scissors as far as the eye can see because of the back wall which is non-seethroughable (audience laughs) and she's a bunch of stuff but one of them is left-handed.
She's left-handed and she says, "Dad, they've got these "left-handed scissors. " And there's like four or five pairs out of all of these and she says, "And the others don't say "they're for anybody. "So nobody gets those.
"So I'm the only one who gets scissors. " And I said, "Well it doesn't, "it really doesn't work that way. "You might wanna sit down "for this, all right?
"These are all right-handed scissors "and they've always been "right-handed scissors "and it's been like that for so long "that they don't even bother "to put right-handed on them. "You're lucky to get left-handed scissors. "The country's only like "10% left-handed.
"The country was built by and "designed for right-handed people. "It's called right privilege and (audience laughs) "a lot of right-handed people, "for nothing they've done, "just the quirk of how they were born, "have certain advantages "that makes things easier for them "and everything's designed "to make it easier "for right-handed people. "like the buttons on the elevators "and apps and fishing rods "and pencil sharpeners and mugs "and the writing on "pens and voting machines "and all of this stuff.
" And then she, yeah. "And there are even right supremacist "and if they saw, if they saw "your left-handed scissors, "they'd get really mad and say, "Why does she get something "special and different "when everyone should be the same? "Everyone should be like us, "right-handed.
" And she goes, "Yeah, "I know because in Africa "at the orphanage where "I grew up in Africa, "they made us color and draw "with our right hands and "you remember that I'm from Africa "and that I'm black, Dad, right? " And I said, "Yes, "obviously but the audience "hasn't figured that out yet and, (audience laughs) "and that's not what "I'm talking about at all. "I'm talking about how your left hand, "a person of left.
" And when you're professional communicator of which being good at I am one of them guys, (audience laughs) I share my great ideas with people and a lot of times my great ideas are so high over people's heads, I'll actually see them roll their eyes upward to try to see my thoughts as they escape beyond, yeah, (audience laughs) their grasp of understanding. And so she's rolling her eyes and I said, "Don't roll your eyes, let's finish. "We got your scissors, what's left?
"There's only one thing "left on the list, paper. "All right we'll get the, "oh, it's white paper. " And she said, "No, Dad, that's fine.
"Don't worry Dad. "Left-handed scissors cuts white paper. " (audience laughs) And then I said, "Yeah but motivational rock "that says you're gonna crush this, "crushes scissors.
" Another unearned victory for right privilege. I know. (audience laughs) I know it says that we're all created equal but I mean, come on.
It's not the Bill of Lefts, all right? It's the Bill of Rights. (audience laughs) I flew to England yesterday and-- (audience laughs) It was true the first time I told it, okay?
And I'm trying to be in the moment to make this story a little bit better for you guys. So, listen up, okay? I flew to England.
(audience laughs) And traffic was crazy, of course, and the weather, very bleak and cold, and the lines at the museum's really long, and the locals are a little, kinda standoffish, and the food is famously bad but I had, (audience laughs) other than that I had a pretty good time except for the things that I could experience through my senses. (audience laughs) At one time England had the biggest empire in the world. They used to say the sun never sets on the British Empire and now it's just like, oh night-night because now it's just, they're just back down to the, and the rumor, which may or may not be true, I call it a trumor, the trumor is they were so busy conquering the world that they never learned how to cook because they would just take over the cuisines of all the other countries and it's true.
I went there and here's a little secret of cooking. If you want something to be better, you add something better to it. I mean, it's obvious, you know?
Chocolate cake, how do you make it better? Chocolate frosting, all right? There are some people, hamburger, bacon, all right?
It's very simple. In England, they put vinegar on the food to make the food taste better just to give you an idea of what. (audience laughs) Yeah, vinegar.
The same vinegar you use to get the hard water deposits off of the tub (audience laughs) tastes better than the food. Just to give you an idea of what we're starting with. (audience laughs) I tried something called the full English breakfast which sounds pretty impressive.
They've been serving the same breakfast for 2,000 years. Which is impressive until you realize there have been a lot of culinary advancements (audience laughs) in the last 2,000 years. Like the invention of flavor, for instance.
(audience laughs) This is what you get with the full English breakfast. A couple eggs, runny side up. All right, whatever.
(audience laughs) Pork and beans. At breakfast? Yes indubitably.
More of those please, more beans please. Pork sausage or blood sausage. Mm, whichever sounds deliciouser to you at half 6:00.
Bacon, but it's not skinny American bacon. It's that thick Euro stylin', plate hoggin', energy boggin', artery cloggin', baby got back bacon bacon baby. (audience laughs) And one slice of tomato which tastes like fish.
I don't know how, it's some kind of fishish dish. (audience laughs) And on a separate non-cholesterol plate you get toast and I thought, well thank goodness. How can you mess up toast, right?
Well, let me count the ways because over there, (audience laughs) it comes out burned yet cold and dry and flavorless and they cut it into triangles. So really what you have is a plate full of these little wheaten trowels used to transport the fat and cholesterol from the plate to their gob, which is what they call it. That's what they eat everyday, eggs and beans and sausage and bacon.
And I'm no healthologist but I don't think you should be starting your day with four foods from the lard group. That's probably not good for your inside. I said, "Forget that.
"I'll have some cereal. " But every time I ordered Cheerios, the waiter would leave. (audience laughs) (audience applauding) Yes, that's, (audience applauding) that wasn't everybody.
If you could please explain that one to the quiet people, that one's-- (audience laughs) I travel a lot because I'm better than you. (audience laughs) I just got a free night at a hotel, okay? It's called Comfort Inn and it really lives up to its name because comfort means a place of peace and well-being.
And inn means not. Like incompetent or inept because they're really not ept at the Comfort Inn. (audience laughs) How do you get a free night at a hotel?
It's easy, get bumped from a flight on Delta. And how do you get bumped from a flight on Delta? Book a flight on Delta.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds) My next trip I'm going on vacation, going to the beach and I wanted a good book for the beach. I was a writing major. I always wanted to write real bad and now I can but (audience laughs) where I went to school, you had to sell the books back after your class if you wanted to eat.
(audience laughs) So I didn't have any of my old books but I remembered a very funny satire I read called, "Catch-22. " Who's, who's? Some of you?
Okay. Who's seen the movie? (audience laughs) That's all right, this'll work, don't worry.
Who's read the title? (audience applauding) Okay, yeah. It's slow in the beginning but it really picks up after the hyphen.
(audience laughs) Anyway, I went to this big membership book place and I don't know what the clerk's problem was but I gave him the book and he said, "Is that it? " and I said, "Yeah, that's it, 'Catch-22'" "Well I need to see "your membership card. " "Oh, I don't have a membership card.
"How do I get one? " "You have to buy something. " "Well, I'm buying 'Catch-22'" "Not without a membership card.
" So I didn't get the "Catch-22" but (audience laughs) that's all right, many of you didn't either. So instead, (audience laughs) I got "To Kill a Mocking Clerk" is what I got. (audience laughs) It's in the how-to section.
(audience laughs) Next to "Death of a Salesman. " (audience laughs) That guy was a real Moby. (audience laughs) I'm married.
Sorry ladies and confused boys. (audience laughs) People ask, "What app did you guys use? " We met the old-fashioned way.
I plundered her village. (audience laughs) This is true, this is a true story. My wife is a bicyclist and she was in an accident and snapped her femur (audience laughs) yeah, in her hip.
Do we have any medical professionals here? Does anyone know, what do you know about the femur? - [Audience Member] It's a big bone.
- It's a big bone, it's the biggest bone. They say the only thing worse than a broken femur is a wife with a broken femur. (audience laughs) Which is what I have and (audience laughs) it's no walk in the park, I'll tell you that, because for two weeks after the accident, you can't even sit down when you have a wife with a broken femur.
(audience laughs) Because she's always asking you to get stuff, you know? "I need more meds! " "Okay.
" "Take me to the bathroom! " "All right. " And that's the first symptom.
Ringing in the ears is the first symptom (audience laughs) of wife with broken femur and it goes on and on. "Drin the fluid bag and "adjust the pillows and "I'm ready to eat. " It's good for the quads.
That's great, yeah. That's the only good thing about WBF. (audience laughs) And I run a lot.
I ran a 10K the other day and if you don't know how that translates, a 10K is, it's about, it's a little bit more than 9K but it's less, fewer than 11K. It's almost 10K. (audience laughs) I don't wanna sound elitist because I'm better than that (audience laughs) but I was on my high school cross-country team for five years.
(audience applauding) Basically what you do is you run across the country. That's why it's called Lake Titicaca. (audience laughs) The end.
