If you listen, people will take you where they want to go with a conversation because most people haven't had someone just listen to them really for like more than 10 minutes ever in their life. Your job isn't to lead, it's to follow. >> This is some of the most beautiful advice on conversation that I have ever heard.
And what is crazy is that this silent superpower is so easy to miss even though it regularly has people open up in just a few minutes. >> How did she change it? >> She has brought out the absolute best in me like in in just about every way.
like didn't think we were going to go here. Um, your mother left your father. >> She escaped when I was about 4 months old.
So, it was, you know, bad before that. And then, uh, yeah. >> Have you spoken about this before?
>> No. I don't know. I I like you.
>> And I can confirm firsthand how powerful Steven's presence is since a similar thing happened with me. though later in our conversation. So, in this video, I want to break down Steven's hidden conversational skill set and how you can use it to connect with anyone, especially if you're a naturally quiet person.
So, first, Steven almost never interrupts, which is wildly different from most conversations where people interrupt all the time to correct you, switch topics, or crack a joke. >> How did we get social media wrong? Cuz we were so optimistic.
It's going to connect with our friends. We're going to join like-minded communities. And it it to be fair it did do those does some of that.
>> It does some of those things. But I want to take you back. So in 2013 I was at Google.
I was a lot younger. >> You're supposed to use an old timey voice. Do that.
>> Now there's nothing wrong with a more banterfilled style of conversation. But if your goal is deep connection, giving people space to 100% complete their thoughts is the fast track. Now there is an important exception to this rule.
Steven will interrupt if it takes the other person deeper into their emotions. So, if someone speeds through an emotional story, he'll pause them to get more information. >> I I worked hard at school, mostly cuz I just didn't want my dad to be upset with me, which was uh the main driver for most of my achievement in my career.
And I was very very sad um at that point in my life. And so, it was very much like I didn't I always hoped I wouldn't wake up the next day. Um and >> you mean that >> truly >> you really mean that?
100%. 100% cuz I remember when I was looking at >> or if someone mentions something emotionally charged, he'll show that he's curious to know more. I have done roughly quarterly psychedelic journeys for the last couple of years.
>> Why are you doing it? >> Why am I doing it? >> Honest answers only.
>> To connect with my heart. It has helped me address the barriers to that, the shame, and we didn't go super deep today into it, but the things that I've alluded to in my past that I thought made me broken or unworthy of showing up fully. >> Where did that come from?
>> Yeah. When you slow down to dig deeper, it signals that you do care, that the other person can get vulnerable without you pulling away. And it's this combination of wide open space plus emotional digging that draws people into their deeper vulnerabilities.
>> Had that sense of impending doom and I didn't know how to make it go away. Um >> I kind of asked this question earlier, but was there an was there a moment where you found out what was wrong? >> Yeah.
when I was about eight. Um I it's quite like a complex like string of events that happened but basically it had like met its like peak. >> Now when this happens you want to follow our next point which is to offer the least invasive support possible.
For instance here Steven has opened the topic of Kevin Olir's mother which gets him emotional. She didn't. Yeah, there she is.
Geette. So, from this point on, Steven sits in silence for 3 minutes while Kevin processes grief, shares a story about her, and then moves on to another topic. This is completely opposite to what most people do because when most people are around an upset person, they do everything they can to stop that person from feeling upset, which just has the effect of shutting them down.
Now, if you do want to support someone with your words, just remember this tip. In highly emotional moments, say less. Long stories about how everything's going to be okay can be well intended, but it takes people out of their emotional process.
Using fewer words gives people the chance to process their emotion in your presence. And you can see that as Francis Enanu touches on the death of his young son Kobe. It's fewer words that invite him back into his feeling.
>> Was the purpose of fighting if I end up not being able to fight for the only person that I can fight for? Let's talk about something else. >> Yeah.
I'm sorry. You can also watch how saying less in the form of a question allows Gary Vee to touch on the core of what his mother means to him. >> So if this were, God forbid, the last day you had on earth to to send a message to your mother, what exactly would you say?
>> You did it. I would just say she did it. What did she do?
>> She made me happy. Now, sometimes people will have a really hard time in these emotional moments. And if your instinct says that even more support would be helpful, physical touch is a superpower here.
And it doesn't need to be rushed. >> It's okay. Take your time.
>> I'm going to come and give you a hug. I feel really compelled to give you a hug. I actually did a whole video on how to calm someone's nervous system through touch, but in short, you want to meet them on their level, touch hearttoheart, and hold a hug longer than normal without the energy of trying to change or fix them just to be with them.
>> Do you have a tissue? >> Thanks. you get nice hugs.
>> So remember, when people get emotional, they do not need you to do anything to get them out of it. If you just stay present with them, that is often the greatest gift. And when someone has processed a big emotion or shared a vulnerable story, it can be really beautiful to use our next point, which is to offer them an empathetic mirror.
This means that you reflect the emotional core of what they've said back to them in your own words. >> We've been through, you know, something that kind of unifies you, I think, as a family, you know, can really solidify you as a family. So, um, we're very lucky.
>> You know, throughout this conversation, I've really got a sense that this person is your rock. >> Totally. >> And you'll know you've done a good job when the other person enthusiastically agrees with how you phrased things.
>> She changed your life. >> Yeah, for sure. Or not.
Now, this may sound easy, but how often do you find that you're trying to summarize what someone has said only to have them reply, "No, that's not what I meant. " The trick here is to not anticipate what they're going to say next. It's to encapsulate and repeat what has already been shared.
Anticipation comes from the head and it's based on your past experiences with other people. Encapsulation comes from the heart and it is based in the present conversation that you're having. So this is what anticipation looks like.
>> You basically saying women need to just accept they're never going to make it on equal terms, equal outcomes is what how you defined it. >> No, I didn't. >> If I was a young woman watching that, I would go, well, I might as well just go and play with my Cindy dolls.
>> And this is summarization via empathetic mirroring. >> I remember the first time I watched Jungle Book with him and I'm looking over and seeing the joy he had watching that movie. It was like, oh my god.
But I remember how I felt when I saw The Jungle Book. >> He saved you in many respects, didn't he? >> Without question.
Without question. Yeah. >> Now, there is one more thing before we get to our final point.
If you implement these tips in everyday conversation, people will still just talk about sports, the weather, or how busy things are at work. You won't deeply connect. So, you need a way to snap people out of normal, superficial small talk.
How? Well, an excellent way to do that is by asking chunky questions. These are questions that instantly drive people into meaningful conversation.
And here are just some examples that Steven uses. >> So, if this were, God forbid, the last day you had on earth to to send a message to your mother, what exactly would you say? What lessons did fatherhood teach you about life and how we should be living?
What is your deepest fear? [Music] >> Now, if you ask these questions out of the blue, it will be a bit strange. So, a great segue that you can use is, "Hey, I heard this really awesome question that I want to ask you that gets people excited to answer nearly every time.
" And it takes us to our final point. The subtle power behind every one of these tips is your presence. That is the ability to let your attention rest with someone else, to drop your own agenda and allow them to lead while you follow with gentle curiosity.
This is hard. There's always a temptation to prove our worth in conversation, to be funny or helpful, and to be seen and appreciated for it. We tend to focus on how we are coming across rather than inviting the other person to share themselves.
So today, I want to leave you with a challenge straight from Steven. Give someone 10 minutes of your fully attentive listening. To start it off, you can lead with a chunky question and then just use all the guidelines in this video.
If you give that a try, you will probably be shocked with how deep a connection you can form in a short period of time. And obviously, this listening isn't the only thing that matters in social skills and conversation. Your ability to express yourself confidently also has a big impact.
So, if you do want to transform your personal magnetism and your charisma in the fastest way possible, you may be interested in Charisma University. People who have done our 30-day program have gotten promotions. They've started dating new partners and developed closer relationships with their family and their friends.
And if that all sounds like something that you'd be interested in, you can click the link on screen to check out Charisma University.
