You get told charisma is loud, extroverted, the life of the party. And if that's not you, most people think you have to fake it. But you don't.
If you understand charisma on a deeper psychological level, you'll see that you can be charismatic without pretending to be someone you're not. Let me give you a simple way to understand this. What we're normally shown is just one version of charisma, the loud version.
But charisma is not all or nothing. It sits on a spectrum. I'm a clinical psychologist and most traits in psychology, they live on a scale.
So picture that spectrum. On the one end is invisible, almost avoiding attention. On the other is over the top.
In between is what I call the charismatic window. The range where people feel drawn to you without you forcing it. And that window is wider than you've been told.
And there's room for both louder and quieter people. In this video, I'll show you some less well-known factors that build the quieter version of charisma. Subtler, deeper behaviors that drive liking, connection, and long-term respect.
Charisma starts with attention. Research tells us that people we see as charismatic are usually the ones who get noticed more. But here's the good news.
You don't have to be loud to get attention. We all know the loud charisma version of this. Talking a lot, waving your arms around, speaking louder than everybody else, maybe interrupting.
Look at me. I'm doing stuff. There's that guy jumping on the couch or my dad Martin Short.
It works, but it's not the only path. Consider this. Blending in with the herd is anti-carismatic.
When you look and sound exactly like everybody else, you become essentially invisible. And that's safe. Like zebras hiding in the herd, but it kills charisma.
Standing out feels risky because the moment you're noticed, like you could be criticized, but it also makes you more magnetic. So, how do you stand out quietly? Well, one simple way is your appearance.
You don't have to be fake or flashy just to be noticed or follow crazy trends. You just take one step to the side of what everyone else is doing. A friend of mine dresses simply, but she always wears funky glasses to express her creative side, and people notice.
My partner Hope and I went to a formal event this summer where everybody wore blue. We showed up in green, like nothing wild. We were appropriately dressed, but people kept commenting on it.
This isn't about being outlandish. Outlandish literally means from the Outlands, like not one of us. So, if you stand out so much that you signal you're from a totally different group, then it backfires.
You go from being charismatic to just an outsider. The sweet spot, that charismatic window, is showing that you are part of the group, but with just enough difference to draw the eye. In fact, you can stand out effectively by being less flashy than everyone else.
For example, one of the most influential fashion icons of all time was Bo Bruml. So, stick with me for a second here. In 19th century England, the fashion looked like this.
Pinks and greens and velvets and all this sexy neck tutu nonsense. Yeah, it was a lot. So, Brauml stood out not by being bigger and louder and flashier, but by being smaller and quieter.
He did plain black, well-fitting suits. And he changed the direction of men's fashion from then on. We still today follow his lead.
This was charisma through understatement. At your next social event, pick one subtle but authentic way to stand out. Maybe it's the the way you style your hair.
Or it might be the choices in adopting or rejecting current fashion trends. So you might notice I wear subtle jewelry. I've done this my whole life.
So find something that makes you distinct. And whatever the uniform of your social world is, how can you break it? Because the research suggests charismatic people don't wear the uniform.
And this goes beyond clothes. You can stand out by owning your opinion, by showing your emotions, by talking about hobbies or interests that aren't typical in your group. really anything that makes you subtly distinctive.
Okay, you've been noticed, but charisma doesn't stop there. You need to know how to engage if you're not a big talker, and that's what we'll cover next. We're often told charisma involves talking all the time.
So, research shows us that people who talk more get noticed and are often seen as leaders. They can interrupt. they can dominate.
They speak louder. Yes, that works. But it's only one side of the charismatic window.
There is a path to charisma through the power of intentional silence. Pausing, saying less, and focusing on quality. As a therapist, I have learned the power of intentional silence.
So, there are different types of silence. It's not always bad. talking too much or at the wrong time, it actually blocks people from processing.
And intentional silence gives space for reflection. So, I talk way less in my sessions than I do in these videos. And that's on purpose.
When I notice that clients look down and away and pause, I know that they are integrating ideas. If I rush in at that moment, I will break it. But if I stay quiet, eventually they look up and they share a new insight they've had.
Like one of the most powerful things we can do is create the space for those connections to occur. Some of the most powerful work I do is literally knowing when to shut up. The best listeners are giving the gift of intentional silence.
Silence also gives you the space to process. There's a pressure sometimes to compete with the other louder voices in the group to like get in there and be heard so you're not invisible or seen as being too quiet. Basically talking to talk even if you don't have anything particularly important to say.
But quieter people often have a strength in reflection. Taking time means that when you finally do speak, you're not just babbling. You have something to say.
I have a friend who embodies quiet charisma perfectly. He has a high pressure leadership job, but at social gatherings, you won't see him interrupting or dominating. He's warm, he's engaged, and you can see in his body language that he's really listening.
And although he's quiet, I noticed that when I asked his opinion on a topic, he would share something thoughtful, often a new angle the rest of us hadn't considered. and his ideas would end up sparking fresh conversation. And over time, I found myself getting more and more curious what he would have to say.
So, he lives an interesting life. He has a lot of solitary time with diverse interests, and he's developed multiple talents. And this depth means he's pretty fascinating to talk to because he has a unique perspective on the world.
In groups, he's often the last to speak, but his contribution is memorable in part because he allows himself space for reflection rather than just speaking impulsively. You can even see that in the way he allows himself space to pause while answering a question. As a result, even though he's quiet, he's always the first person that people want to invite to something.
He's the unexpected quiet charisma star at the dinner party. Follow his example. Stay engaged.
Embrace pauses and speak with intention. You don't need to compete for air time. Your words will carry more weight when you choose the right moment.
Intentional silence only works if you stay connected. So, my friend does this well. Even when he's verbally quiet, his body shows that he's engaged.
The danger is slipping into disconnected silence. That's silence that doesn't read as thoughtful, but instead reads as shut down. That's anti-carismatic.
So, you can stay in the quiet charisma window by checking three things. One, keeping your body open, not head down or closed down. And then simply engaging the areas of your eyes and your mouth.
Not this, but this and this. It's all you got to do. It's subtle.
I'm engaged here and here. It's not a big grin, right? It's not crazy eyes.
I'm not like power posing. It's just showing that you are silently connected. Your body can keep the communication for you even while your mouth is closed.
And these skills can get you started in ways of building charisma over the long term. And that means there's another path to charisma, status, and influence through what we call earned respect. Let's talk about the long game path to charisma.
Not through flashy charm, but through depth of character. The deeper traits that drive and sustain psychological attraction are not obvious on day one. They can only reveal themselves over time.
Picture your social group like a tribe. The people who consistently contribute, who make life easier and better for others, they earn status and become charismatic within the group. Three ways that we know generate earned respect.
One, be trustworthy. Lead with honesty and integrity so that people know they can rely on you. Trustworthiness.
This is consistently one of the most appealing traits in psychological research. Two, be useful. Have real value the group can benefit from.
These can be skills or knowledge or even just investment of your time and energy. And three, be helpful. Turn that value into a steady pattern of showing up for people.
Make things easier and better for the people around you over the long term. Do these consistently and your reputation compounds into deep level charisma. Be honest, be useful, be helpful.
That loud life of the party person does contribute to the group. raising everyone's mood, making you laugh, they're bringing more fun and energy, and that's great. But that does not have to be your contribution.
My friend Andrew isn't loud or flashy, but he quietly became the leader of our friend group, and he did it through earned respect. He practiced something which I call social leadership. Everyone loves getting together and having fun events, but most people don't love the logistics and the effort of setting it up.
Andrew took on that unglamorous work. In his solitary time, he would come up with fun ideas. He figured out the times and the dates.
He sent messages. He set it up. And he followed through.
He created shared experiences that we all benefited from. And soon he became the guy that everyone turned to, the center of our social group. And when he sadly left town, the whole scene collapsed and we like barely hung out again.
He stayed softspoken and used his particular strengths, research, organization, and logistics. And he did these things that made all of our lives better, even though it was probably pretty annoying for him at times. But we generally prefer being invited to fun things than having to plan fun things.
Side note, people like social leadership in dating. Also, bottom line, be trustworthy, be helpful, be useful, and aim whatever strengths you have at the social group's needs. You could be the person they go to when they need support or to talk or help with certain tasks.
Or maybe you offer kindness, specialized knowledge, fun, or you share good recommendations. You don't have to be exciting, high energy, fun, impressive. Just shift to positively impacting the lives of the other people in your social world over time.
It'll make you feel good and it'll make them feel good. The core of this video is this. You can get into the charismatic window in a way that feels authentic to you.
You can harness your strengths. You can stay yourself. And you can turn it up only when you choose.
Remember, charisma is an all or nothing. It's more like a spectrum. It's like a dial.
Sometimes you blend in on purpose. And sometimes, for some people, you'll feel high energy and naturally louder. Both of these are you.
It is okay to be at different places at different times and still be authentic. You don't need to wear a mask or be a stereotype. You don't have to adopt the behaviors of the loud, extroverted, outgoing types.
And if some people judge you for not being loud enough, well, maybe you're in the wrong room. But once you're in that charismatic window, how do you actually build deeper connections? In this video, I get into what I find can really make a difference.
