Translator: anveshi d. botschen Reviewer: Amanda Chu Sex as we know it is very much influenced by the mind. As humans, we can choose to have sex, unlike our animal friends.
They never think about it - it’s happening when it’s happening, and it’s not when it’s not - whereas we can choose when to have it and how to have it. Sex brings joy, excitement, the possibility of love and connection. It also brings sadness, unhappiness, disappointment, trauma.
There’s premature ejaculation, erection difficulties, performance stress. There’s loss of interest, lack of orgasm, physical pain during sex. And as you know, couples often separate because of sex.
Fact is we think the climax is the reason to have sex. It’s what we want; it's what we expect. So our minds have become imprinted with a certain program or agenda that makes us climax or goal oriented in sex.
This goal brings stress and tension, for example, having to deliver a good performance, making your partner happy, or pleasing the partner, getting it right, or having to have an orgasm, or having to hold one off for as long as possible. And when things don’t go according to plan or wishes, then possible outcomes are: we become half-hearted with each other in relating and intimacy, or we give up, we stop trying, or we look for another partner, hoping things will work out better. Well, I am here to share with you that these problems are not inherent to sex.
The problem is not sex itself, the problem lies with the style of having it. Our common style is "mind-filled" sex. I say "mind-filled" because we're always thinking about it, even when we're having it.
We're concerned about the climax, we're monitoring our own performance, we're wondering how the partner is doing, and so on. And if we believe and think that the climax is the reason to have sex, then of course, it has to be hot, intense, building up excitement and sensation. But there is another style of sex, called "mind-full" sex.
Mindfulness is a modern word. Very popular. Its real meaning is awareness, to be in the awareness, using the mind, yes, but using it to direct the attention to be centered, aware and present in the body; you are not lost in thought.
And in mindful sex, we bring that same quality of awareness, like a meditation, into the exchange. Attention is directed inside the body, and your whole body is used as a sensing organ. It’s more like you are being sex rather than doing sex.
And just as in meditation, as many of you know from your own personal experience, aware in the here and now - no goals. Let me repeat that: In mindful sex, there are no goals, even climax. Of course, it's an option, it's a choice, but it can happen after 2-3 hours, if you wish.
But it's not something that you work for, rather, you relax, take it easy. Imagine for a moment that you decide to spend a day in the nature. Imagine it's a beautiful day - warm, clear skies.
And at a certain point, you need to make a choice. Do you follow your favorite trail up the mountain? Or do you stay in the valley?
As much as you love going up the mountain, on this day you decide to stay in the valley, and you take a slow walk, explore the forest, relax by the river, and you spend that day with no particular goals in mind, and without the strain and the effort of reaching to the peaks and the tiredness that follows. What I’m saying is to make a conscious decision to stay in the valleys and not always searching for the peaks. Well, this does sound different, right?
And yes, mindful sex does require that we open our minds about sex. And . .
. are you open minded? Open to explore?
30 years ago, I thought I was open minded. I'd lived through the seventies - sexual freedom; I thought my sex life was great. But then I realized I was going around in circles, from falling in love to falling out of love, over and over again.
I had this growing sense that there had to be more to sex. And, at that time, I was living in India, and that’s where I ran into this other style of sex: "mind-full" sex, or sex with awareness. So, I spent the next five years pretty solidly researching, and I was not - yes, you got it - I was not in libraries reading books, I was researching in bed.
(Laughter) And, you know, mindful sex is definitely nothing new. It’s been there for millennia. Bringing sex together with awareness, as a meditation, as a spiritual experience, is one of the aspects of tantra, an ancient body of knowledge from india.
When I started out, I was curious - that was all - or some may say adventurous. Again and again, I put this ancient teaching into practice, and gradually, my whole experience and view of sex was revolutionized. After a while, friends started coming to me with questions, and that led to me teaching, and then I began to write books about it, and I’ve been involved in this way for 25 years now.
Usually, when I talk about this subject, I have a lot of time to go into detail - several days in a seminar or the length of a book - but, here, today, in this situation, it's going to be a quickie. (Laughter) By now, you are probably asking yourself, Well, what does mindful sex look like? And it’s easiest to describe by highlighting some contrasts because when we bring mindfulness in, certain shifts and changes begin to happen, for example, from early ejaculation to lasting much, much longer, even hours, from physical pain to physical pleasure, from performance pressure, stress to relaxing, taking it easy, from disconnection and sadness to feeling bonding with your partner, happy, from loss of interest or avoidance of sex to interest, willingness, longing returning, from feeling used or seeing sex as duty to feeling valued and appreciated.
So those shifts sound well and good, but actually, how do we do it? The good, big question. Firstly, I want to say that my own experience is male-female, and I have worked with thousands of such couples over the years.
However, I have also worked with other couple combinations, and I can say with all confidence that awareness will increase the rapport, intimacy and love bond with any couple, independently of sexual orientation or gender identity. Naturally, some of the male-female details won't apply, but principles can be adapted and explored. Having said that, here's nine basic principles: The first - very practical - you make a date; you set aside two, three hours or more undisturbed time.
This works very well for women because the female body warms up and opens up to sex much more slowly than the male body. When the female body is open and ready, this will completely raise the quality of the exchange for both. For men, having a date is very helpful because men are often walking around wondering when they will next be able to have sex again - for sure.
And if he knows it’s going to happen tomorrow night - or tonight - then he is much more relaxed, present, centered with himself and with you. The next prinicple is the most important, and that is … if you get this one, then everything else just flows. Your intention is to be as aware and present as possible, and you take it moment by moment.
The next, again and again, you scan your body - relax it, relax tensions; you check your jaw, shoulders, belly, genitals, buttocks, anus; and you do that repeatedly. The next is you breathe deep - instead of breathing shallow - you breathe deep and slow into the belly, into the genitals. The next, instead of entering the body fast and forcefully, you enter very consciously and open the canal millimeter by millimeter, and you use lubrication to ease that entry.
The next, instead of mechanical, back-and-forth friction type movements, each movement is done with awareness, and that naturally creates slowness, and that increases your sensitivity. Instead of building up and building up excitement, you relax into it - a little excitement and then relax, a little excitement and then relax. Instead of eyes closed and being involved in thought or fantasy, your eyes are open, you're present, you're here, you have eye contact if you wish, and at any time, you can share in words what you feel and experience in your body.
And the last, have a sense of humor because, really, funny things do happen, and we all know it's so healthy and good to have a good laugh. But you laugh at yourself and not your partner, please. (Laughter) In summary, mindful sex is about staying in the cooler zones and not getting too hot and excited.
Sex is like fire: you add wood too quickly, let it burn bright, it will create beautiful blazing flames, but very soon, that fire will die down, whereas if you add the wood piece by piece by piece by piece and keep the flame low, then that same fire will last the whole night through. I’m not saying that you have to forego mind-filled sex but just to be aware that problems are created through that style. So try to open your mind and give yourself other options.
Have mind-filled sex when you want - rush, a quick high - have mindful sex when you want to nurture the love and the connection between you. In my learning path, how I felt afterwards was the most important, the greatest teacher - not immediately after but in the days following too. So next time, afterwards, have a look.
Allow yourself to look and feel what that style is doing to you on a deeper level. For example, the climax might have been great, but afterwards you feel a bit tired or disconnected or sad, maybe irritable or aggressive, whereas if you stay in the cooler style, you might notice you feel refreshed, energized, uplifted and more in love with your partner. Now … the most important thing I ask you is: Don't believe me.
(Laughter) Try it for yourself, and prove it to yourself. It’s a doorway so close to home it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it. But just around the corner - just a turn - and a whole new universe opens up.
30 years ago, I could never have imagined that changing the way I made love would mean that I spend the rest of my days talking about sex, especially in a forum such as this one. So I am here, without goal or agenda, to share with you a life-changing truth: that awareness in sex creates love, generates love and nurtures connection. I dream of a world where we don’t only fall in love and then fall out of love, but where we rise in love, together.
Let us begin the true sexual revolution and create a new experience for humanity. A world where couples live in harmony, where sex improves the longer you are together, where sex brings healing, connection, confidence, clarity, where sex invites love and peace on earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you a courageous heart and a spirit of adventure!
Thank you!
