How Often Do Dismissive Avoidants Come Back?

[Music] today we're going to talk about how often dismissive avoidance come back after they go through a breakup now interestingly there are a lot of resources out there talking about this unfortunately almost all of them focus on exes in general and fail to take into account the nuanced approach of dismissive avoidance in and of themselves in my opinion dismissive avoidance usually won't come back to you unless they're given enough time to begin longing for you and even then they tend to like fawning after you from afar so most people don't ever think their dismissal avoidant

x wants them back because there are no big signs that are readily available today though i'm going to show you exactly what the experience is like in that post-breakup period for dismissive avoidant starting with the following i'm going to help you familiarize yourself with the relationship wheel of death that a dismissive avoidant goes through we're going to talk about the separation elation factor the depressive episode the longing episode and finally the phantom x category let's begin so everything runs through the relationship death wheel for an avoidant someone who has dismissive avoidant tendencies is usually fiercely

protective of their own independence so if they enter into a relationship where that independence gets threatened they usually do everything they can to keep that independence which usually involves leaving a relationship now every dismissive avoidant is caught in the same relationship wheel of death they can't ever seem to escape of which there are eight main stages number one is they start out wanting someone to love them then they think they've found someone who is this person that's going to love them then they start to notice some worrying things about this person usually any type of

insecure attachment behaviors from the other person they start contemplating leaving they decide to actually leave they're left happy with the fact that they left they're just ecstatic over the moon about it then the loneliness kicks in and then finally they feel sad that they can't ever seem to find the right person and they continue this journey going around and around in a circle either with you on an on-again off-again relationship or with someone else like a rebound or a new relationship the point is the wheel is inescapable for them it goes around and around crushing

old and new relationships liked if you really think about it there are three main phases that occur in a post-breakup time period for a dismissive avoidance there's the separation elation period there's the depressive episode period and then there's the longing episode now each of these are integral to understanding how an avoidant operates and when they're likely to come back now before i jump into the three phases i'd like to put forth an idea one of the reasons that it's so hard to explain how often dismissive avoidance come back is because they need to experience these

three phases in order to feel like they want to come back unfortunately many of our clients don't ever give them time and space to experience those stages because they lack the emotional control necessary for such a function it's the very reason that the no contact rule is such an essential strategy but enough chit chat let's dive deeper let's talk about understanding the separation elation period so for reference that's stage number six on the wheel of death the i'm so happy i left now one of the best resources on avoidance out there that i've been able

to find is this really gem small gem of a website that only hyper focuses on avoidance and it's called freedoattach.com now freedoatch.com says that after a relationship ends people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations in the sense that they're regaining their self-identity and not tending to initially miss their partners this is separation elation as the pressure to connect is gone being dismissed to avoid it myself i thought i'd add my own personal experience of this separation elation

in college i dated a girl for about nine months and broke up with her very suddenly now i think weirdly enough this had more to do with my own insecurities rather than sort of a loss of independence i just didn't like the person i was becoming and was tired of fighting like every single day was an argument so like with all relationships that you want to work when you're in the midst of them you convince yourself that this is it this is going to be the one yet strangely after the relationship devolved into nothing but

arguments and name calling i couldn't take it anymore and i broke up with her now the relief i felt immediately afterwards was indescribable it felt like i could smile again for the first time in months like this pressure was lifted off of my shoulders this was the initial separation elation kicking in finally it's just me again i don't have the pressure of worrying about someone else i just had to worry about little old me of course like all dismissive avoidance you get caught up in the separation elation which leaves you unprepared for what happens next

which is the depressive episode period once again pulling from free to attach dismissive avoidance can often have a depressive episode from two to four months after a breakup manifested in feeling numb disconnected and meaningless which they may try to repress everybody needs a deeper connection but often avoidance don't recognize they need their partners until the partner actually loses interest and leaves through separation divorce death illness or something else then when they finally realize nobody is quote unquote in the house that's when the crisis hits it's then that a very deep depression can happen because they

actually want a connection and ultimately they want a safe secure attachment like anybody else now are you familiar with the concept of causality essentially a fancy way of referring to cause and effect this happens which causes b to happen which causes c to happen so on and so forth you need to understand the cause and effect that gets them lost to the mental state where they even start considering it first comes the separation elation where they're so happy they've reclaimed their independence it's great they're happy not to have to worry about you anymore next comes

the depression the realization that they might end up alone which is something that they don't want deep down this puts them in the perfect state of mind for longing which is our next thing that we're going to talk about the longing episode uh i think it was last year i did a video on my youtube channel called how to make it avoid it next miss you turned out to be one of my most popular videos and i really talk about what conditions need to be present in order for an avoidant to even consider missing you

now avoidance typically long for an ex when they encounter the paradox feeling of feeling safe but at the same time they grow lonely they also need to feel like you have moved on from them remember avoidance get freaked out by losing their independence so if you are constantly trying to win them back or blowing up their phone trying to fix the relationship you'll end up extending the separation elation period for them you're essentially reminding them of why they broke up with you in the first place nevertheless if you do give them enough time and they

enter this longing stage this is often where you're most likely to get them back but don't expect them to reach out and ask for you back remember avoidance prefer phantom x's over real ones now what is the phantom x well if you want a deeper understanding of the phantom x i recommend you read some of the articles i've written on my website or simply watch the video i did a couple weeks ago on the phantom x syndrome essentially though the most important concept for us to understand is the paradox that lies at the heart of

every avoidant see the dismissive avoidance wants someone to love them fiercely but at the same time they don't let anyone close enough to give them that love you can start to see why a phantom x that they can selectively remember the good times with but they don't actually have to commit to is preferable it's a relationship that they can kind of bask in the memory of the connection but not get close enough to get hurt this is often why we don't see avoidance reaching out during a no contact rule and free to attach backs this

up as well often avoidance won't initiate contact with their exes and they rarely unilaterally initiate reuniting because it creates the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and they can often feel that they don't know how to go about fixing things in other words even if they go through the process where they're remembering you fondly don't expect them to try to reach out and try to get you back if anything you will still have to do the work if you want that to occur that doesn't mean they won't reach out there are exceptions to every rule and a

lot of times our clients show me times where the dismissive avoidant reaches out to them to prove me wrong only when you look a little bit deeper their ex is actually a fearful avoidant and one of the things that separates a dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant is the singular fact right here dismissive avoidance are a lot tougher to communicate with post-breakup because they're most likely avoided they don't want to communicate they want to long from you from afar now fearful avoidance on the other hand are a lot easier to communicate with post breakup not

to say that your communication with them will go all that great but they have an anxious side that can sometimes take hold and cause them to engage with you it's an easier thing to get their attention as opposed to the dismissive avoidance who's actively trying to ignore you so coming back to the original question on how often dismissive avoidance come back it's been my opinion that they often don't come back on their own accord they're a lot more comfortable putting you in a box as a phantom x that they can fawn over from afar however

that doesn't mean they don't reach a place emotionally where they're susceptible to coming back they do it's just quieter luckily for you you now know how to read the silence [Music]