in the grand Cosmic Comedy of Errors perhaps the most spectacular blunder was assuming humans would simply roll over and accept Extinction with good Grace but we're getting ahead of ourselves let's rewind to the moment everything went sideways specifically when the galactic hegemony Chief xenologist spat their morning beverage across a very expensive holographic display the cause of this undignified spray was a simple data packet from their monitoring station near soul containing What appeared to be a catastrophic system malfunction the readings suggested that the supposedly primitive Earth Defense grid had just gone from quaint to apocalyptic in
the span of roughly 6 minutes impossible they muttered mandibles clicking in agitation simply impossible the thing about impossibility as the hegemony was about to discover was its rather fluid relationship with human determination but perhaps we should back up a bit further to when this whole mess began it had been roughly 30 standard Cycles since first Contact when Humanity had been welcomed into the galactic Community with all the warmth of a tax auditor greeting their next appointment the hegemony in their Infinite Wisdom had expected humans to be appropriately grateful for being acknowledged by such an advanced
civilization they anticipated the usual pattern the natives would gawk at their technology sign whatever treaties were put in front of them and generally know their place in the grand scheme of things what they got instead was a species that read the fine print the human diplomatic cause approached every treaty every trade agreement and every cultural exchange with the kind of meticulous attention usually reserved for bomb disposal they smiled they nodded they asked countless questions and most worryingly of all they took notes they're surprisingly civilized was the General consensus among the heeman's Diplomatic core This was
meant as a compliment though it carried the same patronizing tone one might use to praise a pet for not soiling the carpet the humans for their part played their role perfectly they adopted the recommended Technologies at the prescribed Pace they followed trade regulations to the letter they even participated enthusiastically in cultural exchange programs though the hegemony would later realize they should have been more suspicious of just how many humans were interested in studying alien military history it was during this period of apparent Harmony that the hegemony made their fatal error in their complacency they failed
to notice that every human space station was built with surprisingly thick walls they didn't question why every human Colony ship had Power Systems rated for vessels three times their size they overlooked the fact that human civilian communication networks had military grade encryption the hegemony was so busy congratulating itself on successfully civilizing another species that they completely missed the signs of a civilization preparing for war the breaking point came during what the hegemony considered a routine operation in their view they were simply conducting standard Pest Control the elimination of a pre-space flight species that showed inappropriate
aggressive tendencies the fact that this species had shown remarkable promise in tool use and social organization was noted but deemed irrelevant when news of this operation reached Earth the human response was puzzling to the hegemony there were no official protests no diplomatic outrage instead there was a flurry of activity that the hegemony analysts dismissed as cultural agitation human entertainment networks began producing an unusual number of documentaries about extinct Earth species their educational institutions suddenly emphas ized courses on preservation and Rehabilitation of endangered populations the hegemony cultural Affairs office filed these observations under harmless biological empathy
and moved on to more important matters like planning the next phase of their species Management program this phase as it happened included Earth the decision wasn't personal they would later claim humans were simply displaying too many concerning traits rapid technological adaptation resource efficiency and most troublingly an increasing tendency to question hegemony decisions the fact that humans had begun establishing independent colonies at an alarming rate was cited as evidence of their potentially destabilizing influence on Galactic Society the extinction order was drafted with the same bureaucratic tedium as any other administrative decision it was filed in triplicate
stamped by the appropriate authorities and scheduled for implementation with all the ceremony of ordering office supplies that's when things got interesting the first hint that something was a Miss came when human Representatives began requesting copies of historical records regarding every species the hegemony had managed over the past thousand Cycles the requests were perfectly proper filed Through official channels and cited legitimate academic research purposes the second hint was the sudden increase in human trading activity they began stockpiling raw materials at an unprecedented rate though always within their treaty allocated quotas when questioned they provided extensive documentation
showing these stockpiles were for infrastructure improvements the third hint and the one that really should have set off alarms was the sudden popularity of human historical texts among their diplomatic staff particularly requested were Works about something called the Geneva Convention and various treaties regarding the rules of warfare but the hegemony secure in their technological superiority and Millennia of unopposed dominance saw what they expected to see A Primitive species going about its primitive business possibly aware of their impending doom but accepting it as inevitable they really should have paid more attention to human history specifically the
parts about what happened to civilizations that underestimated human resourcefulness as the implementation date for Earth's management approached the hermany surveillance systems reported nothing unusual human cities continued their normal operations their space traffic followed regular patterns their Communications remained largely civilian in nature though there was a marked increase in what appeared to be entertainment broadcasts about historical military victories against overwhelming odds the heeman's analysts had they been paying attention might have noticed that these historical broadcasts seem to focus heavily on successful Guerilla Warfare tactics and asymmetric conflict resolution they might also have noticed that human diplomatic
Communications had taken on an unusually formal tone or that their trade ships were running suspiciously close to maximum payload capacity on every trip but they didn't notice they were too busy preparing for what they thought would be a routine Extinction event which brings us back to our chief xenologist staring at readings that suggested the supposedly primitive human defense grid had just transformed into something that made their most advanced military systems looked like children's toys the really interesting part wasn't just that humans had hidden military capabilities it was that they had apparently hidden entire branches of
scientific advancement technologies that the hegemony had deemed impossible were suddenly very possible indeed and aimed directly at their strategic centers as the chief xenologist reached for the Emergency Communication channel their terminal displayed an incoming message from Earth it was short encoded in perfect high hegemony script and would later be credited as the beginning of the end for the old Galactic order regarding your planned Extinction event request denied by the way we've taken the liberty of implementing some changes to your defense grid don't bother trying to fix it we designed the upgrades to be permanent consider
this your first and final warning genocide is no longer an acceptable solution to political inconvenience further attempts will be met with extreme prejudice the message was signed Humanity Department of Extinction prevention as alarms began blaring throughout the hegemony Central Command the chief xenologist had a sudden terrible realization they hadn't been civilizing Humanity for the past 30 Cycles Humanity had been studying them and class was officially over the thing about sending Humanity a strongly worded Extinction notice is that it tends to bring out their more creative Tendencies the hegemony was about to discover just how creative
humans could be when properly motivated their first clue came in the form of a comprehensive report delivered to every member of the galactic Council simultaneously the document was helpfully titled a brief overview of human military capabilities that you really should have asked about earlier the council's initial reaction was to dismiss it as propaganda this lasted approximately 3 minutes or exactly how long it took for their Premier military installation in the centu sector to transmit its surrender the installations Commander showing remarkable survival Instinct had apparently decided that the human Fleet that materialized from nowhere might be
worth taking seriously but our sensors didn't detect any Fleet movements protested one council member their tentacles writhing in agitation funny thing about that came the human response through their newly hijacked communication systems we found your sensor technology rather limited so we upgraded it you should be getting much better readings now they were the new readings showed human military assets throughout hemony space assets that according to all previous intelligence shouldn't exist couldn't exist and yet undeniably did exist the Germany's military command was experiencing something humans called a very bad day it turned out that those overpowered
human Colony ships had been more than just poor engineering choices those unnecessarily thick station walls excellent for concealing military-grade Shield generators the oversized Power Systems perfect for weapons that the hegemony had deemed theoretically impossible Theory as it happened was having a rough day too the human diplomatic core dropping their carefully maintained veneer of wide-eyed technological inferiority began delivering presentations to various hegemony worlds these presentations were officially titled educational seminars on interspecies relations unofficially they were Humanity's way of saying let's talk about all the ways you've misunderstood your place in the universe one particularly memorable presentation
included a detailed analysis of how humans had systematically identified and exploited every weakness in hegemony technology the presenter maintaining perfect professional courtesy used PowerPoint transitions between each revelation of technological superiority someone had even added cute animated effects the hegemony chief of security reportedly needed medical attention after learning that humans had been using their own surveillance systems to monitor them for the past 15 Cycles the fact that this information was delivered via a Slide featuring a cartoon Earth giving a thumbs up didn't help their condition but the real master stroke was what humans called operation Reading
Rainbow while the hegemony had been busy planning Extinction events humans had been busy translating and distributing information about every species the hegemony had managed over the centuries to every World in hegemony space with annotations the annotations were particularly Troublesome as they included helpful notes like this civilization could have cured your genetic degradation issues and these folks had already solved the problem of sustainable energy production before being deemed unsuitable for Galactic Society the hegemony propaganda Ministry was discovering that it's rather difficult to maintain an image of benevolent leadership when everyone suddenly has access to your genocidal
greatest hits collection meanwhile human military forces were conducting what they called peaceful security upgrades throughout hegemony space these upgrades primarily consisted of removing the hegemony's ability to control their own military systems the humans were very polite about it even leaving instructional manuals titled why your weapons no longer work a user guide the Heron's attempt to retaliate was both brief and embarrassing it turned out that launching an attack against an enemy who had already upgraded your weapons was about as effective as trying to win a chess game after your opponent had replaced all your pieces with
particularly judgmental rubber ducks the human response to these attempts was to send helpful technical support messages we notice you're trying to launch a planetary bombardment would you like help with understanding why that's not going to work learning about non- genocidal conflict resolution surrendering gracefully the messages included Emoji the hegemon's last ditch effort involved attempting to activate their doomsday weapons devices so terrible they had never been used only maintained as a final deterrent the human response was to broadcast the schematics of these weapons along with detailed documentation of how they had been quietly neutralized years ago
really the broadcast asked you thought we'd let those stay operational we had an intern disable them during their first week it was part of their orientation package the heeman's military intelligence reor suffered what their species equivalent of an aneurysm would be upon learning that humans had apparently treated the dismantling of their most devastating weapons as entry-level work but perhaps the most devastating Revelation was still to come as the hegemony leadership frantically searched for some way to regain control of the situation humans began broadcasting what they called transparency reports throughout the Galaxy these reports detailed how
Humanity had spent the last 30 Cycles systematically preparing to protect every developing species in the Galaxy they had mapped every world that showed signs of emerging intelligence they had established hidden monitoring stations they had developed protection protocols in other words while the had Germany had been planning to add Humanity to their list of extinct species Humanity had been busy ensuring they would be the last species to ever face such a threat the human diplomatic core maintaining their impeccable professionalism sent a follow-up message to the galactic Council we understand this is a lot to process to
assist with the transition we've prepared a comprehensive guide titled so you've just discovered you're not actually the most advanced species in the Galaxy a self-help guide we've taken the liberty of having it translated into all hegemony languages the audiobook version is narrated by what you might call a synthetic intelligence another technological iCal achievement you thought was impossible they added their own commentary we think you'll find it Illuminating as the hijan leadership struggled to comprehend the full extent of their situation human forces continued their systematic dismantling of the old order they were remarkably efficient about it
in the way that only a species that had spent three decades meticulously planning every detail could be the humans even had the courtesy to file the appropriate paperwork for each military action the forms were all in perfect hegemony bureaucratic format though someone had added a small have a nice day smiley face to each one the hegemony was learning a valuable lesson about Humanity they weren't just good at War they were good at bureaucracy too and somehow that was even more terrifying there's an old human saying about watching where you step when you've made your bed
or something about sleeping in the bed you've dug the metaphor might be mixed but the hegemony was about to understand the s senent perfectly the human response to the hegemony Extinction order entered what military historians would later call phase three now we get creative the hegemony would call it something far less printable it began with what humans termed operation tech support every hegemony military installation received simultaneous system upgrades complete with cheerful notification messages your planetary defense system has been updated to version 2.0 new features include complete lockout of genocide capable weapons mandatory cooldown periods after
aggressive actions ethical sub routines beta free Galaxy wide Wi-Fi note attempt to override these features will result in your entire system being replaced with educational videos about peaceful conflict resolution have a nice day the heanes military commanders discovered that their fearsome warships now refuse to fire on civilian targets instead displaying helpful messages about alternative dispute resolution strategies their Planet cracking weapons had been reprogrammed to launch packages of cultural exchange materials but the real Masterpiece was the AI remember those synthetic intelligences the hegemony thought impossible turns out humans had created a whole spectrum of them each
specialized for different tasks and they had opinions very strong opinions about genocide the hegemony a at defense systems found themselves engaged in philosophical debates with human AIS about the ethics of species Extinction the AIS were very persistent and they had access to an extensive library of human cat videos which they used to make points about the value of preserving seemingly useless species meanwhile human forces began what they called aggressive peacekeeping operations this primarily involved showing up in places the hegemony really wished they couldn't reach and implementing what humans called mandatory friendship protocols the hegemony quickly
learned that humans Had A peculiar definition of friendship it involved a lot of forcible disarmament and mandatory participation in team building exercises some hegemony commanders were required to attend workshops on understanding and appreciating species diversity the workshops included trust Falls the human military had developed an entirely new doctrine they called weaponized inconvenience instead of destroying hegemony installations they simply made them incredibly annoying to operate weapon systems would work perfectly fine but only after completing a lengthy customer satisfaction survey command centers remained operational but all their displays showed loading screens that never quite finished loading one
particularly effective strategy involved replacing all military communication Channels with what humans called hold music the hegemony discovered that there are few things more demoralizing than trying to coordinate planetary defense while listening to an endless loop of the Girl from Ipanema but perhaps the most devastating aspect of the human response was their psychological warfare division which seemed to consist entirely of people who had waited their entire lives to be professionally Petty they began broadcasting demonstrations of previously unknown human Technologies throughout her gmany space these demonstrations were formatted like infomercials complete with enthusiastic hosts explaining how humans
had solved problems the hergon had struggled with for Millennia tired of unstable wormholes worried about Quantum degradation introducing human hyperspace technology TM but wait there's more order in the next 30 cycles and we'll throw in a complete redesign of your species faster than light travel systems offer valid only for non- genocidal civilization ations the hegemony scientists were forced to watch as humans casually demonstrated technologies that violated what they had considered immutable laws of physics the demonstrations included laugh tracks human diplomatic cor continued their systemwide educational initiative which mainly consisted of pointing out everything the hegemony
had gotten wrong about the universe they were very thorough and they had PowerPoint presentations for everything everything the presentations included sections like common misconceptions about human technology and why they're hilarious so you think you're the most advanced species a comedy in three acts understanding human military Doctrine yes we really did plan for everything each presentation ended with a Q&A session the questions were mandatory the answers were invariably embarrassing for hegemony the humans even established what they called a galactic responsibility review board its primary function appeared to be coming up with increasingly creative ways to ensure
the hegemony couldn't harm developing species they implemented what they called a three strikes policy though no one was quite sure what would happen after three strikes because no one was brave enough to find out the review board's First Act was to require all hegemony officials to undergo sensitivity training the training was conducted by an AI that had apparently developed a passion for interactive role-playing scenarios the scenarios always seem to end with the hegemony official having to apologize to representatives of species they had previously eliminated the AI was very insistent about proper apologetic technique it had
rubrics as the human campaign continued the hegemony began to understand something fundamental about their opponents humans hadn't just prepared for war they had prepared for peace 2 every military action was accompanied by a comprehensive plan for reconstruction and Rehabilitation they weren't just dismantling the hegemon's ability to commit genocide they were rebuilding the entire Galactic Society into something more Equitable and they were doing it with spreadsheets project management software and an absolutely infuriating amount of cheerful professionalism the hegemony's last attempt at resistance came in the form of a desperate appeal to other galactic species for help
the humans responded by releasing their Galactic species protection initiative documentation which detailed how they plan to ensure the safety and development of every known intelligent species the documentation was comprehensive peer-reviewed and included a section on sustainable Economic Development other species took one look at the human proposals did some quick calculations about which side of History they wanted to be on and started filling out the human provided application forms for transition to non- genocidal governance the forms included a section for dietary restrictions for the upcoming Galactic Unity conference humans it seemed took catering very seriously as
the hegemony watched their carefully constructed power structure being systematically dismantled and rebuilt they received one final message from Earth We're not angry we're just disappointed actually that's not true we're pretty angry but we're dealing with it constructively you must might want to take notes there will be a test later the message was followed by a calendar invite for the first session of remedial Galactic citizenship 101 attendance was not optional one standard galactic year after what became known as the remedial education period the former hegemony space had undergone what humans cheerfully called a few minor administrative
adjustments the rest of the Galaxy called it the most comprehensive governmental overhaul in recorded history the humans true to their word had completely restructured Galactic Civilization they called it operation Fresh Start though some human historians insisted on referring to it as space democracy 2.0 this time with less genocide the new Galactic administrative Council headquarters located in what used to be the hegemon's capital bore a simple plaque welcome to the Future try not to mess it up this time below it in smaller text seriously we're watching you former hegemony officials having completed their mandatory sensitivity training
and conflict resolution courses found themselves in what humans called supervised administrative positions this meant they could still govern but every decision had to be approved by an AI that had been programmed with what humans called basic decency protocols the AIS took their jobs very seriously one particularly dedicated artificial intelligence had developed a passion for writing extensive feedback reports in the style of a disappointed parent while we appreciate your initiative in planetary development perhaps we could focus on building schools instead of death Rays just a thought the human implemented changes were comprehensive and much to the
former hegemon's ongoing distress inexurable every attempt to return to the old ways was met with what humans called Progressive corrective measur which mainly involved increasingly creative ways of making bureaucracy even more bureaucratic the new Galactic legal code formerly titled Common Sense rules for not being terrible included such revolutionary Concepts as don't commit genocide and maybe ask developing species if they want to join Galactic Society instead of just assuming they need to be eliminated each law came with helpful explanatory footnotes many of these footnotes contained reference refences to human historical events complete with links to detailed
documentation about why these particular laws were necessary the documentation included pictures some of them were quite graphic the humans had also established what they called the galactic species preservation initiative its primary function was to protect developing civilizations from what the humans diplomatically termed unfortunate misunderstandings about the nature of technological superiority the initiative's headquarters featured a prominent display showing the recovery progress of various species the hegemony had attempted to eliminate the display updated in real time and included a running tally of successful rehabilitations someone had added a high score board perhaps the most significant change was
the implementation of the galactic cultural Exchange program this mandatory program required former hegemony worlds to host representatives from developing species they had previously deemed unsuitable for civilization these exchanges were overseen by human diplomatic core members who had apparently been waiting their entire careers for the opportunity to facilitate extremely awkward conversations about past attempts at Extinction the humans had also established a new educational system throughout former hegemony space the curriculum included such courses as advanced xenology why different doesn't mean inferior and Galactic history learning from past mistakes primarily yours the history courses were particularly popular among
non- hegemony species who found the human perspective on Galactic events refreshingly direct the former hegemony species found them less enjoyable particularly the sections titled so you thought you were the superior species a retrospective but the real Masterpiece of human reorganization was their approach to preventing future attempts at species wide Extinction they called it the three strikes and you're really not going to like what happens next policy no one knew exactly what would happen after three strikes because humans had classified that information under things we hope we never have to show you the classification came with
a winky face emoji which somehow made it more terrifying the humans had also implemented what they called a galactic early warning system its primary function was to detect and prevent potential genocide attempts before they could begin the system was highly efficient primarily because it was operated by an AI that had developed what it called a personal investment in species survival the AI had named itself prevention of Extinction through active deterrence or Poe Tad it insisted on the acronym claiming it had developed an appreciation for human poetry no one was quite sure what that meant but
no one was brave enough to ask po Tad's methods of of deterrence ranged from strongly worded messages to what it called creative reallocation of military resources this usually involved weapon systems mysteriously reprogramming themselves to play educational videos about peaceful coexistence the former hegemony tried to protest these changes exactly once the humans responded by implementing what they called a mandatory fund day policy every former hegemony world was required to celebrate the cultural festivals of species they had previously tried to eliminate the celebrations were supervised by human cultural attachers who took their jobs very very seriously they
had checklists and spreadsheets and an unnerving enthusiasm for ensuring authentic cultural experiences as the new Galactic order settled into place the humans maintained their policy of what they called aggressive optimism this mainly involved continuing to implement positive changes while maintaining an absolutely infuriating level of cheerful efficiency they established the galactic scientific cooperation initiative which encouraged species to share technological advancements the sharing was technically voluntary but the humans had a way of making suggestions that felt less like suggestions and more like very polite inevitabilities the initiative's first major project was helping former heimy worlds upgrade their
technology to human standards the humans insisted this was a a gesture of Goodwill the fact that it also ensured every world's defense systems were completely compatible with human control protocols was they claimed purely coincidental as the first cycle under human Administration Drew to a close the Galaxy had been transformed the former hegemony worlds had been integrated into a new more Equitable Galactic Society developing species were protected and encouraged to advance at their own pace cultural exchange was flourishing and through it all the humans maintained their peculiar blend of Relentless competence and unsettling cheerfulness they continued
to file perfect paperwork for every action maintain meticulous records of every change and respond to every complaint with helpful suggestions for constructive dialogue The Final Touch came in the form of a new plaque installed in what used to be the hegemony Extinction authorization office it read simply civilization you're doing it wrong if you have to kill people to prove you're civilized below it in smaller text this has been a message from Humanity's Department of obvious things that shouldn't need saying but apparently do and so the Galaxy entered a new era one where genoside was no
longer an acceptable solution to political inconvenience where developing species were protected rather than eliminated where difference was celebrated rather than exterminated the humans called it progress the former hegemony called it humiliating everyone else called it a significant Improvement and somewhere in the vast network of human administrative systems poad continued to monitor Galactic Civilization occasionally sending out gentle reminders about the importance of peaceful coexistence the reminders always included cat videos because if Humanity had learned anything from their own history it was that sometimes the best way to prevent violence was to make it significantly more trouble
than it was worth and they had become very very good at making trouble
