financial crisis Studio interference corporate bloat Mass layoffs substandard writing embarrassing visuals the destruction of Legacy characters and franchises and an unhealthy focus on the message now you might think I'm talking about the self-inflicted problems facing modern day Hollywood but you'd be wrong mister because today I'm going to be talking about the video game industry and the crisis that's rapidly unfolding in it but first allow me to paint you a picture dear viewer imagine for a moment that you're a major games developer and due to years of corporate mismanagement and substandard hiring practices that prioritize diversity
and inclusion over actual talent and creative ability your studio is now bloated with excessive numbers of talentless idiots who all say the right things on social media but contribute nothing of value to your business now you could do something crazy like start laying people off and tightening up your operations so that it's more financially efficient maybe even bring in some talented people who know what they're doing but no the better solution here is clearly some of that sweet sweet ESG money that can Tide you over until you can sh out the next buggy overpriced unfinished
barely playable piece of crap that's going to force players to use endless microtransactions and expensive DLC just to keep up with I love the gaming industry today but wait there's a problem all those big Financial investment companies will only lend you their money if you can prove that you're good little boys and girls whose games correctly push the message so what to do well in this case you hire an outside consultancy firm to advise you on how to make your upcoming game more compliant let's call them oh I don't know honeyed infant Incorporated now on
paper at least they sound like a pretty good Prospect a small but very specialized consultancy group that can come in and work closely with your Dev teams to break down and analyze the story and design of new video games and advise on how to make them more emotionally resonant holistically inclusive quintessentially effervescent and other meaningless word salad Buzz phrases that nobody understands but man they sure sound impressive and even if you don't really understand what they do or why they're so expensive you can at least say that you've worked with them and proven your loyalty
to the message so now all that wonderful ESG money can start flowing into your bank accounts what you don't realized at the time though is that honey infant is a company staffed almost exclusively by hardcore political activists who either couldn't make it as actual game developers or never particularly cared about video games in the first place Have Nothing Even resembling creative imagination and instead saw an opportunity to Griff their way into an industry that never needed them in the first place kind of like a hundred years ago when people like Anita sarkeesian were vaguely relevant
for about 15 minutes and used their infamy to Blackmail their way into major game studios nice de team you've got there be as shame if someone was to spread rumors on social media that you don't care about representation in diversity I guess you'd better hire someone like me to make sure that doesn't happen a I mean damn man Neil Duckman was so eager to impress her that he basically forced out the actual talented women who'd been running the Uncharted Series so that he could take over for himself like ever wondered why a season adventurer like
Nathan Drake was suddenly getting his ass handed to him by this random musclebound arsole who showed up out of nowhere and was inexplicably stronger and better than him at everything there you go ever wondered why Last of Us Part Two embraced the Disney approach to story Elling let's put a chicken in and make her L gay Ellie's gay by the way ever wondered why it rcon the hero of the first game into a dumb gullible spineless sap who walks into ambushes that he never would have fallen for before and stands there like a [ __
] goldfish while his adopted daughter screams and berates him for the crime of saving her life completely ignoring the impossible position he'd been put in and the slim chance of success even if he'd given her up or why the intro feels the need to work in this subtle as a sledgehammer social pandering what you got there bigot sandwiches smells good or the blatant sacrifice of morality and common sense in favor of my themes or this big old slab of beef that we're somehow supposed to identify with there you go anyway I digress the thing is
honeyed infant now have cart blanch to come in and rewrite your new game in any way they see fit because their word is basically law now and because all they really care about is making themselves feel better by lecturing the rest of the world about social and political issues that specifically matter to them they begin to make changes lots of changes got a legacy straight white male hero that's been hugely popular and the main stay of your franchise for years well clearly he needs to go in favor of someone more diverse and worthy who we
going to take every possible opportunity to remind the audience is better than straight white male hero in every possible way but how exactly to get rid of him well let's just say he's gone off to find himself because he got sad or something you know whatever as long as he's out of the picture that's all that really matters got a whole bunch of straight white male Heroes to take care of what the hell let's just kill them all in the most ignominious and disrespectful way possible and turn their deaths into a big old joke because
truly nothing's funnier than seeing iconic characters get murdered and then literally pissed on but oh wait one of the heroes is a woman well that's a completely different story don't you know honeyed infant will make sure that her death is a solemn poignant and heroic sacrifice because as we all know death's only funny when it happens to men and of course they'll be sure to Pepper in random changes to the sexuality of established characters that have got no bearing on the story or their development as people but that doesn't particularly matter because they say so
got a bunch of attractive female characters in your game that appeal to your mostly male fan base nots on their watch if the women in your game don't look like they've taken a couple of dozen beasting to the face and gone into anaphylactic shock then you clearly need to reexamine your internal biases what the [ __ ] is that because as we all know know the reason that people like Sydney Sweeney are so popular right now is that we're all fascinated by her geopolitical takes on the current military situation in Ukraine man it must be
so satisfying as a developer to have spent months or even years carefully crafting every detail of the story and characters in your game and then have experts like honey infant come in and completely rework it right under your nose and what's even better is that you're not allowed to complain or object to any of it because you don't want to be the one guy in the room who goes against the message sh but wait there's a problem Brewing because when the game finally releases it turns out that all of Honey infant's changes weren't quite as
popular as the terrified Echo chamber planning sessions predicted sales are cratering active users are plummeting and people are demanding refunds in their thousands all the extra Revenue you were banking on has failed to materialize it's almost as if people never wanted this stuff in the first place am I so out of touch no it's the children who are wrong and not only are Gamers up in arms about it but they've also begun tracking other games that honeyed infant have worked on and they've begun to notice a pattern almost everything they touch ends up being a
worst product because of their input but what to do do they allow it to blow over and get back to work do they reassess their philosophy on what customers want from their entertainment and try to produce better work in future no of course not what they do instead is start an active campaign to silence and sensor anyone who speaks out about them which in turn fans the Flames of controversy and attracts even more attention to the problem that they created because truly if there's one strategy that always works in business it's going to war with
your own customer base just ask Disney but now the truth is out and what started out as a minor problem has turned into a national Scandal that everyone on the Internet is talking about and suddenly there's talks of boycotts and protests and mass layoffs and Gamers everywhere are actively rebelling against the message and anything that companies like honeyed infant have touched and now you're probably wishing that you'd run a tighter ship spent your money more wisely and hired actual talented people to work on your games instead of activists masquerading as industry Consultants but hey it's
not like any of this stuff could actually happen for real could it anyway that's all I've got for today go away now
