video1547925063

Hello, Lisa. How are you? What brings you in today?

>> I'm doing okay. Um, I I just really needed to see if I could I need somebody to talk to. I've been dealing with depression due to like marriage issues that I'm having.

>> Okay. Can you tell me, So, you're feeling depressed because of marriage issues. Can you tell me what is going on in your marriage?

Um well me and my husband are about to go through a separation so it just um it's one side I mean that's the separation is my decision um um through you know my my mentors and my counsel you know told me that biblically I can separate from him but um the divor like him like not wanting to be together or anything like that if that's one-sided that's on his decision. So, I'm just I feel really lonely and sad. So, I just needed someone to talk to.

>> Okay. So, you're feeling lonely and sad and you said this is a one-sided decision, but your counselor said it's okay to separate. Is that correct?

Well, I asked for prayer at church um after service and I I had told um I went to the prayer room and and they asked how I could pray for him and I you know I told her what I was going through and everything and um she said you know that sometime she said that I may she didn't tell me to do it. She just suggested like the next step may be, you know, separation at this point, especially if you know, just, you know, everything that's going on with us and there's a lot of fighting and arguing and we have a young daughter, so um so we haven't separated yet. I keep trying to hold on cuz some days we get along and some days we don't.

And um so I'm just I'm kind of like really confused because I don't know if he's playing games. I don't know. I have a I'm sorry for just blabbing it all.

I have a big mix array of emotions going on and um yeah. >> Oh, no. It's totally fine.

You can keep going. Um well, yeah, it's just we've been together for a long time, so this is just like kind of like um a not a big surprise, but just I always thought we'd be able to work things out, you know, when we had our disagreements or arguments and, you know, but just this past year, we just have grown apart and it's not just on his side, you know, and I that's the part that like not scares me but like makes me feel guilty about it and I pray about it because um I just have always like wanted you know not to separate not to divorce because I don't you know I don't because I believe what God's word says about it. Um, but my husband is like recently saying marriage is just a paper.

It's nothing this and that. Like his belief system is changing or something. I don't know.

And I it's because he's not in the word and you've been out of the word for a few years. I have not seen him read the Bible in a few years. Um, and we used to go to church together as a family, but he stopped what in a few months ago.

And ever since then, like I don't know, it's just he's doing his own thing. >> Yeah. So, >> yeah.

So, your husband stopped going to church and now it seems like his beliefs are changing and you guys are kind of separating and going a different path. Um, you said there's been arguments and some days are good. Can you tell me a little bit about what the arguments are about or what kind of what does an argument look like?

>> Just little things. It kind of like and I'm not and I'm not I don't like to like talk about people when they're not around, but like it literally I think he has like und it seems like he's bipolar. Like we'll get along for like five days straight just really nice and he really sets the tone for the household.

Like if he's happy, we're all happy. we're all peaceful and all getting along. But if not like he's just in this weird mood or something, it immediately in uh brings me to have like emotions of sadness and then I get upset.

So I'm walking around like oh, you know, and then my I feel like my daughter, you know, fe like it the stress may go on to her. She kind of like goes to her room and just, you know, and she'll she'll even now she's older, she's like you know, and stuff like that. Stop it right now.

Like she's the one telling us like, "Stop. " You know, and she'll look at me and be like, "Mom," because I told her before like when she's like, "When daddy starts doing that, just leave him. Let just stop.

" And it's so hard because he upsets me so bad with what he's saying. So, I really don't know what causes the arguments. He'll just come home in a bad mood.

Like, so, and it just and I have to be like, "Oh. " And then I don't know. >> Yeah.

So, Oh, sorry. >> No, Go ahead. I'm waiting.

I'm moving. >> Oh, I didn't want to interrupt. I just Um, so you're saying that your daughter is around for these arguments and your husband's mood kind of sets the tone.

So, if he's happy, you're all happy. And if he's kind of upset, you all kind of get upset. your daughter will sometimes go to her room and obviously this is affecting your whole family um and you're not quite sure where his unhappiness or upsetness is coming from.

Have you spoken to him or asked him as to kind of where these emotions are coming from? >> Yeah, he said he's not happy with me that we've grown apart. That's that's what he and I just see kind of see that as an excuse.

He just says, "Oh, we don't we've grown apart. We've grown apart. We've grown apart.

He's grown apart. I'm still here. I'm still like I still have love in the heart for him.

I don't know what he has for me. Like I I believe he cares and loves but not in the same like not like before. So I I don't know.

I just it just it just and I just feel lonely because I miss him. But then at the same time, like he's been so mean that I'm like I I want to do it the right way in God's eyes, but I if it's ready, if I if God wants me to fight for my marriage on my knees in prayer, then I will continue to do it. But then there's so many like moments when I'm just like I'm just ready to move on.

Like I'm getting older and I just want to be at peace. I want I'm at a place where I want peace in my life. I don't want to fight.

I'm really laidback. I'm really cool. I wish he would see that, but he doesn't see me.

He sees me as, "Oh, you did tell me things and this and that. " And I don't even do it no more actually since this distance has caused us. Like the only time I I'll react to him when he's active, you know, I'll give a reaction.

And so I just But it's it's saddening because our family's break. I don't you know, I never want got married to get divorced and I don't want our family to break apart. You know, I I come from a broken I come from a family that was without a dad and um family is very important to me.

I'm have traditional morals and I feel like it sets the foundation for like strong kids, strong future, strong everything. So, it's kind of just very sad to me. >> Okay.

Okay. So, it sounds like uh like you said, you come from a family without a dad and you want to keep your family together and it's very sad and frustrating to you and it sounds like your husband is kind of saying the reason he's upset is because of you, but you're saying you haven't changed and you've kind of still been the same person and feels like he's the one who's changing. Um, and as you had mentioned, you're saying he's setting the tone right now of the emotions in the household.

Uh, is there anything you're doing um when he's upset to kind of support yourself in a positive way? Do you have support system when he gets upset? Do you reach out and go talk to your daughter?

>> I usually talk to my daughter or I'll just withdraw to the room to to keep my peace. But if I'm feeling like tired or stressed after work or just like just tired of just I just I'll be like I find myself like commenting back like no you you little or no no no not like that. We don't call names but like I'll I'll be like >> I'll just be so irritated with him.

It makes me want to start like picking at him like and so but the main thing I do is I'll withdraw to keep the peace and I will go talk to my daughter because she she'll be like daddy's she'll even tell me daddy's being a rat. Daddy's being ratty mama just I'm like I know. So I'll just go to the room and just go to the room.

That's all I do is go to the room you know go to the room but I still cook for him. I still clean for him. I still watch do all kinds of stuff for him.

But and then I have this like thought in my head like okay so you don't want to be married to me then you better start cooking for yourself and cleaning for yourself. Like you better start doing it yourself. But then the what would Jesus do?

Like I you know I'm trying to I'm toggling. I'm still cooking. I'm still cleaning but me in my own strength want does not want to do it because he he doesn't do anything for me.

Not and I shouldn't even have that mindset though. But I that's how upset I'm am about everything. Just uh and it saddens me like there's a very big strong lack of care for me on his end.

>> Yeah. So because he you said like he's not doing anything for you. He's not reciprocating for you.

So you don't feel like giving back to him. But because of your belief system in Jesus, you continue to do those things even though you don't feel like it. And when these arguments happen, you withdraw yourself and you go to your room.

And you've said it several times. You just go to your room. Go to your room.

Go to your room. So it sounds like you are searching for peace and you find peace in your room. And you reach out to your daughter and she expresses how her father is being bratty and it's also showing that it's bothering her as well.

Um, is there anything because of your belief system, are you reaching out to like a small group at church or do you have friends to reach out to when these times are hard? And or do you try to get out of the house and maybe get some fresh air and get a new perspective and instead of withdrawing yourself, do you try to do other things to kind of help deal with these emotions? As far as getting out, no, not not usually.

I'll just literally I'm so tired after work and after cooking and after cleaning and I just I just go to the room and I'll just, you know, just like and honestly, I'll find myself scrolling, which I know is not good, but you know, um other than that, I just Yeah, that's I mean, I need to do something else. I I as friends, I have one friend, long distance, we talk on the phone. Um, I have my daughters to talk to, but I don't want to talk to my daughters about it because I don't know.

I just They're little. I They'll They'll tell me stuff, but not, you know, I don't want to put that stress on them. So, no, I have no one to talk to.

I really don't. I So, that's why I like I was like finally, you know, I need to get a therapist and I needed someone to talk to. So, >> yeah.

Well, that sounds like a positive first step. Um, you're not you're feeling frustrated with him, but you're not retaliating. So, that's positive.

You're withdrawing yourself instead of maybe saying some things you might regret. Um, you're coming here as a first step to figure out these emotions and this difficult time. And that's very positive.

Um, and that's why I kind of brought it up. Maybe when you withdraw, you since you do believe in God, you could focus on like maybe a Bible study or remembering God's word that you are not alone in this and all the difficult times you're going through right now. Even if your husband doesn't want to respond in the way you would like, you do have God and you can ruminate on those Bible verses and messages where he reminds us that we are not alone.

and um maybe reach out to your church and see if there's a woman's group or uh see I know your husband said he's kind of mentioning separation but maybe he might be interested in a couple's group um and if not you can maybe try going to a women's group on your own and see if you can find a positive support system outside of the home to kind of be able to talk to these people on a daily basis. ice where you aren't going to feel judged and you're not going to have to rely on your daughters. Like you said, you don't want to put the burden or the responsibility on them because they are so young.

Um would that be something you're interested in? >> I definitely would. Um yeah, I need to get involved again.

Like I used to be part of women's groups and stuff like that. It was really help like it just felt so good just to have the fellowship and everything for as far as couple groups. He won't.

I And I'm not saying it because I'm close-minded. Like I've He won't even do a simple thing as well, let's pray together. Let's Let's get Let's fight the evil, you know?

Let's Let's just He won't. So, I just um but um that's a very good idea. I think that is something I need to like um try to get involved in is like some kind of women's group or call the church and see if I could get like mentored like to have an accountability partner some somebody to talk to on a regular basis.

I think that's a very good idea. >> Yeah, that's a great start. And obviously we can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

Um, so getting you to focus on you and healing and like you said from your perspective, you can only do what you can do. Um, focusing on ways to get rid of these when these fights happen or these negative emotions happen, get you back into a positive headsp space and not feeling like you are all alone and fighting these battles all alone, which is a huge start. And um I wanted to ask, is there anything else physically you're doing to take care of yourself when these stressful things arise?

Like are you exercising? Are you going for a walk? Are you No, I No, I need to get exercising again.

I do. Like I really do need to get >> honestly lately I've just been so tired when I like when I get off work like maybe an hour an hour and a half later my body I feel like I just start shutting down like okay time to just you know after dinner I'm ready to go lay down lately. I don't know if it's cuz I'm getting older or what it is, but one thing I did forget to mention earlier when he asked what I do is I do like when I do withdraw from him and everything.

I am in constant like prayer and with God and just, you know, pouring my heart out to him and everything. Um, I need to be more in the word. Like I used to be in it all the time, day and night.

Like if I'm not in it though, I do like I always have it on the radio like you know I have a special certain Christian station that I listen to and it's just have it has messages on all day. But I used to be really like faithful and just just so like just fed off the word and I miss that. And I feel like there's so many in addition to what's going on with my husband just so many distractions in my world right now.

Um, and it's hard to I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. Like as soon as I jump up out of bed, it's like, "Okay, God.

" And I pray and then I jump up, jump in the shower, get ready, and I'm already rushing, making breakfast, and rushing out. And then, you know, I pray on my way to work. I pray all throughout everything, you know?

But I I miss being in the word. I love God's word. Like, I miss it.

And um so I need to and I know that like I need to but like the doing it, the physical like intentional of doing it, I need to do that cuz I know God's with me no matter what, you know. >> Yeah. So it sounds like because of everything that's going on with your husband, it's become a distraction as to being in the word and your busy schedule.

You said you wake up, you pray, you go to work, you get home, you make dinner, you're tired, and uh whatever is going on with your husband may distract you for that day. And you used to be in the word constantly, but now it's not as much. Um, how often are you in the word on a day-to-day basis or week to week basis?

>> Weekly? I'll say about two times a week, three times a week at the most. And that's that's going from me.

That's going from me being in every day like just reading every time every moment I had a chance I'd be in it and now to that and I just I really um feel it, you know. >> Yeah. Um you said you when you isolate you do scroll which maybe >> like you said it's hard for you to make a change right now or you're struggling with it but maybe we can all lot like 10 minutes when you are going into your room to look for that peace maybe 10 minutes of that time you can spend in the word do you think that's doable >> yes it is doable >> on a day-to-day basis or at least four times a week >> yes >> that is doable and that's something that I would to like um implement.

Yeah, I would love to. >> Okay. Yeah, that's definitely a good goal.

And you said you were going to try and look for a small group or a women's group at your church. >> I would love to. Yeah, my church is kind of far.

It's like in the mountains a little bit, but um yeah, I I mean, yeah, I would still love to do something like that. Yeah. Do they have online groups at all?

>> That's what I was thinking is they might have it by Zoom meeting or something. Um I know I used to be a part of another woman's group that still does Zoom meetings and a few of my old like my old acquaintances that were really nice and kind. Maybe I could get, you know, reach out to them and see if I could be a part of that again.

See if they have any current groups going on. >> Yeah, I think that's a great start. And um I know we have talked about your marriage being the primary reason for stress.

Is there anything else going on that's possibly causing stress right now? Well, in addition to that, the separating like that was actually honest, aside from the the ladies at church praying with, you know, talking to me about that, he um had been saying it for months now. And he like um just the other day he I asked him, I was like, "Am I still moving?

" Cuz he was like, "You need to move. You need to move. " And I'm like, "Okay, well.

" And then so and then he stopped like and then he was like really nice for a few days and then he's like I was like okay so am I still moving or what you know I wish I shouldn't even put the I guess the decision in his hand but and he was like oh no no you know like like I don't know just and he smiled and giggled like so I don't know if he's playing head games with me or not but today he came in and he was like oh so there's this house that's for rent and because he knows a lot of people and he's like, "There's this house for rent. You can move to it. " I'm like, "Okay.

" So, that was saddening. I'm like, "Oh gosh, this dude, I'm like, you know, I'm just like, okay, dude, whatever. " I need to just be like, "Okay, dude.

Whatever. Bye. " Like, but that's my husband.

That's my children's father. That's another person I made a covenant to God to God before God and with God included with. So, it's just like, okay, I don't know.

I don't know what to do about that. >> Yeah. So, you like as you had mentioned, you respect your commitment to God and your relationship and your husband is one minute asking you to move out and the next minute you guys are getting along.

So, it's kind of leaving you unsure of what you're supposed to do. Um, >> and it's stressing >> when he mentions you moving. I guess the stressful part of it is like, dang, am I going to be able to afford it afford it?

Like everything is so expensive. Like, can I afford it or am I going to just be like working to pay all the bills? And I mean, that's it.

That's the stressful. That's the part I'm stressed about. Like I don't know that part.

>> Did you agree to move when he asked you and or did you ask him if he like Okay, fine. the one willing to move. >> I'll be like, "Okay, well fine then.

Yeah, I am. " You know, like instead of being begging him like, "No, I don't do that no more. " So, I'm just like, "Okay, well, yeah, I am.

I am moving. " You know, I just say it, but I mean, I wish we could just I don't know. >> Okay.

So, when you're when he says it, you say you are saying I will I will move. So now he sees it kind of as something that you are going to do. Um but you're concerned about being able to afford this.

>> Uh that's why I had mentioned is there any way because he is unsure maybe speaking to him about not necessarily saying you're going to be the one to move. And if he's serious about wanting to move, think about the situation a little more logically. Like you said, you can't necessarily afford it.

Where would your daughter go? And have you spoke to him about these concerns when he brings up moving? >> Yeah.

He's like, well, I'm like, cuz sometimes he's trying to be mean. He's like, oh, our daughter's staying here with me. And I'm like, no, she's not.

She's going with me. So, we argue about that, too. And then um the cost he's like, "Well, you just work got to work hard.

You got to work hard like I do. " Like, "Okay, well, I do work hard, but it's just he makes way more money than I do. " Like, he'll make in one day what I wor in a week or two weeks.

So, I mean, he knows that, you know, and um I don't know. Yeah. So, you're saying he makes more financially and when he argues with you, are you you're saying he's doing it in more of a joking manner.

Is that correct? Well, when he's actually arguing arguing. No, he's like in one of his like I've been calling them bipolar moments and I know I shouldn't be saying that, but I'm thinking he may be bipolar or I don't know what he's doing but but he he just one day he's so nice and then one day he's just I to me and then I say like I feel like he has demons in him or something.

I don't know. But yeah, I mean, so when he does argue, no, like the day the only day that I seen him had the smile on his face is like when he I looked at him. I said, "Um, so I'm still moving or what's it?

" He he was like, "What? " And he was like he didn't want to like he right away like he dismissed it and just giggled and then look away. And then that same day I looked on on Facebook and he had married on.

He's never had married on Facebook. like he's I don't know if it's an option that he's never seen, but like why would you put I don't know. So I get a lot of mixed signals and failing.

I don't know. So I just but I'm I'm to the point where I'm like why am I letting you call the shots? Like I should be the one like putting the ultimatum and saying no.

Like setting my boundaries and being like no, I'm the I and I'm not doing that. Like if he says no, we're not going to be together. I'm like, okay, no.

And the first minute he's nice, I'm like, "Okay, I'm ready to be happy again. " No, I can't do that. It's It's like messing with mentally and just emotionally and everything.

>> Okay. So, it sounds like you said he's acting bipolar like he'll have you guys will have serious arguments about moving out and him your daughter staying with him and how he says you've got to make more money to be able to move out. But then you said it's on Facebook he's posting he's married and he's never done that before.

So you're getting a lot of different mixed signals from him and it's very confusing sure what to do right now. So um we are wrapping running out of time for today but I think it would be good to focus on the goals we have come up with um reaching out to women's group uh staying in the word praying to God about the next steps in your decision in your marriage and I do think it's important you establish those boundaries with him and make it clear if you are unable to afford um the living situation and like you said, you want to reinstate those boundaries. Um go over those with him and I think you're making a lot of positive steps into the right direction about how you want to deal with the stress that you've been under, especially in this marriage, in this covenant that you want to respect because of your belief system as well.

Yeah, that's that sound okay to kind of >> Yeah, that sounds good. And I'll work on everything that um I I'll I'll reach out to the women's groups. I'll keep praying.

I'll I'll definitely um some time to to go for a walk and also to get in the word this week, this next week. And I'll let you know how everything goes next week. >> Yes, that sounds great.

Yeah, keep me updated and I'll be happy to see you next week and hear about everything you've done. >> Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thanks.