I hope you CAN SHOW. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING AND THANK YOU FOR joining us here in uh Hollywood, California. That's very nice.
So, I appreciate it. Now, please stop. Um I have to tell you something.
I had to It's Groundhog Day today and I had to explain Groundhog Day to my kids this morning. They didn't know what it was and I told them and they looked at me like I was nuts. I don't think they even believe me.
They're like, "Yeah, right, Dad. " I mean, it doesn't make sense when you really go through it. But thousands of true believers were up bright and early in Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania, where I am sad to report Punksatonyi Phil came out of his hole, saw the Epstein files, went right back in and hung himself.
He's dead. For all the Mondays we've done the show, and I think we've done like eight or 900 Monday shows, I don't know that we've ever had more madness to go through. There's so much.
I'll start with what we know. On Friday morning, the ironically titled Department of Justice released about half of the Epcene files. They were supposed to release all of them on December 19th of last year.
That obviously didn't happen. They claimed they needed time to redact the names of the victims, but whether intentionally or as a result of incompetence or a combination of both, they released thousands of files that did not have the names or photos of many of the victims redacted, but they did do a pretty decent job of redacting the names of the victimizers. There are many disturbing accounts of questionable activity in emails, notes, text messages, etc.
, and about a lot of famous people including Bill Gates, Steve Bannon, Richard Branson, and of course, Donald Trump. It would seem that some other famous people including Elon Musk and Howard Lutnik, the commerce secretary, uh, may not have been telling the whole truth about their interactions with Jeffrey Epstein. It is clear that Prince Andrew is royally, which is, you know, it's a term you hear a lot, but rarely when it is literally true.
And most of all, it is so bananas that the guy who's in charge of releasing all these files and redacting all this evidence is Donald Trump's own personal defense attorney. You know, when Trump was convicted of 34 felony counts of fraud, Todd Blanch was his lawyer. Now Todd Blanch is the gatekeeper to the Epstein files.
And the woman who could give us clarity on who did what, Gelain Maxwell, is now doing yoga in a country club detention center because Todd Blanch moved her to one for reasons that he still hasn't explained to anyone. And then there's all this other stuff going on. Busting into the election headquarters in Georgia.
Arresting journalists like Don Lemon, who is here with us tonight, suddenly shutting down the Kennedy Center for two years. calling for nationalized elections. Trump suing the government he runs for $10 billion.
My head is spinning. I guess that's the point. But my god, remember when Trump was threatening to invade Greenland.
THAT WAS NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS AGO. We're living in dogearss now. And it's only going to get nuttier now that this new batch of Epste files is out.
The Distraatic is cranked all the way up. The DOJ released three million pages on Friday, which sounds like a lot until you realize there is another three million pages that they haven't released and do not plan to ever release, even though they are required to release all of it by law. And it's important to remember the Justice Department is a completely independent agency from the White House when anyone other than Donald Trump is president.
Trump put Pam Bondi and Todd Blanch in charge of the DOJ, which is kind of like um the IRS hiring your mom and dad to do your tax returns. Okay. And there are so many characters in the mix.
Elon Musk, now Elon Musk back in June when he was fighting with Donald Trump, he made a big announcement. He wrote, "Time to drop the really big bomb. Real Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.
That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT. " And we all went nuts.
But what he neglected to mention is that he is in there, too. His name comes up more than a thousand times, including in 2012 when he and Epstein were planning a visit to the island. Elon claims he never went to Epstein Island.
He says his correspondence is being deliberately misinterpreted by his enemies. For example, when he wrote Jeffrey Epstein, a registered sex offender, by the way, to ask, "What dayight will be the wildest party on your island, he was asking so he could avoid that night. He had a lot of work to do and he didn't want to be distracted by wild parties.
" You understand? There are a lot of emails. This one is from a sender whose name was blacked out to Epstein on the day after Trump won the election in 2016.
The emailer said, "I remember flying back with Donald on his plane the first weekend I went to visit you in Florida was the weekend he met Melania and he kept on coming out of the bedroom saying, "Wow, what a hot piece of ass. " Yeah, I don't think they mentioned that in the Melania documentary. The word Trump comes up 4,896 times when you search the Epstein files, which is interesting considering this testimony from FBI Director Cash Patel back in September of last year.
>> You said you don't know the number of times Trump's name appears in the files. So it could at least be a thousand times. Is that right?
>> You can characterize the numbers however you want it. >> Claiming my time, director, it sounds like if you don't know the number, it could at least be a thousand times, which be >> it's not. >> Is it at least 500 times?
No. >> Is it at least 100 times? >> No.
>> Then what's the number? >> I don't know the number, but it's not that. >> Well, he was telling the truth.
It isn't 100. It's 4,896. And we still have 3 million files to go.
The award for most mentions in the Epstein files by a member of Trump's cabinet so far goes to this jolly dipstick, Howard Lutnik, who is our Secretary of Commerce and one of Trump's most vigorous sucklers of teeth. Lutnik was lived next door to Epstein. he had a relationship with him, but claimed he severed ties in 2005 and called him disgusting.
He said Epstein was disgusting, which is hard to understand because this new batch of files shows that Lutnik was making plans to visit Epstein's island on December 23rd, 2012, 7 years later. Maybe he wanted to go to make sure Epstein was still disgusting. I don't know.
I know Lutnik's name pops up 138 times. You can search these names on the DOJ website, you know, but before they let you in, you have to confirm that you're 18 years or older. For real.
That's not a joke. And if you click no, they ask, um, are you cute? That is a joke.
But the first one wasn't. One of the more random things we learned from the files is that in 2013, Microsoft banned Jeffrey Epstein from Xbox Live, which is weird. Epste got a letter saying he's not allowed to be online playing games anymore because he's a registered sex offender.
And listen, I don't want to get into any conspiracy theories here, but follow me on this one. So, these files include Jeffrey Epste making some pretty outrageous allegations about Bill Gates, who founded Microsoft, asking Epstein for an STD medication. That was in 2013, the same year he suddenly got kicked off Xbox Live.
I guess Jeff found out the hard way. You crash the gates, you get the hook. No call of duty for you.
Melania gets a a shout out, too. Or someone named Melania gets a shout out. There's an email to Gelain Maxwell from a woman named Melania.
The New York Times said it's unclear if it's the future first lady Melania or another one. If it was that Melania, Maxwell appears to have had a very friendly relationship with her, which somehow also didn't make the movie. I guess you can't put everything.
It was either that or the inside look at her hat collection and something had to go. And of course, the president says these new files absolve him of wrongdoing complete. Yes.
In the same way the glove absolved OJ of wrongdoing. He even has the audacity to play the old Jeffrey who card. He wrote, "Not only wasn't I friendly with Jeffrey Epstein, but based upon information that has just been released by the Department of Justice, Epstein and a sleazag lying author named Michael Wolf conspired in order to damage me andor my presidency.
" That's right. Trump wasn't friendly with the man he said this about to New York Magazine in 2002. I've known Jeff for 15 years.
Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do and many of them are on the younger side.
I mean, what more do we need? Trump was able to stay awake long enough this afternoon to take I don't know what I guess I don't know what this was. Maybe a victory lap.
>> I have nothing to do with Jeffrey Epson. And in fact, if you look at the DOJ, they announced uh you know, they released three million pages. It's like this is all they're supposed to be doing.
And frankly the DOJ I think should just say we have other things to do because that whole thing has started out I mean other than Bill Clinton and you know Bill Gates and lots of people that have there are a lot of questions about it but nothing on me. You know what I'm going to take him at his word on this one. That's a wrap, folks.
Donald says he's in the clear. I'm almost surprised he's not bragging about how much he's mentioned in the FC files. Like I'm in there more than any other more than Abraham Lincoln.
And then President dementia got back to the issues that matter most to the American people, which it was his review of the Grammy Awards last night. And a joke host Trevor Noah made at his expense. >> He said that I spent time on Jeffy's Jeffrey Epstein's Island.
I didn't I mean, he's a lightweight this guy. He's a terrible I thought I think he's terrible. I thought he did a terrible job at the Grammys.
I thought the whole Grammys was terrible. I watched part of it. It's not watchable, but he was a lousy host.
I'd say not as bad as Jimmy Kimmel, but pretty close. How did I get in there? I was at home last night minding my own business.
Boy, I really got up his ass. I mean, he he also he posted about me last night. And let me tell you something.
Donald Trump somehow has time to watch every award show and hates them all. He doesn't like any of them. No one I know watches more award shows than Donald Trump.
He's planning to sue Trevor Noah now. He's also suing the government, our government, for $10 billion because a contractor who worked for the IRS leaked his tax returns. You know those tax returns every other president shows voluntarily?
Well, they leaked them. They leaked his taxes and found that he only paid $750 in federal taxes in 2016 and 2017. And now, not only is he suing the government that he is currently running for $10 billion, he's also planning to figure out a settlement that he will pay himself.
This is the first time a sitting president has sued his own executive branch. And it's also one of the nuttiest lawsuits ever. He's suing the IRS for $10 billion, twothirds of their total annual budget because his taxes were leaked while he was running the IRS.
>> You're suing the IRS. Talk a little bit about what it's like to be on both sides of law. >> It's very interesting.
I have another one where, you know, I've virtually won the Mara Lago breakin sit and I have to work out some kind of a settlement. I'm supposed to work out a settlement with myself. >> Yeah.
I'm going to offer myself a billion and see if I go for it. We'll go from there. He's finally figured out a way to sue himself.
It is the ultimate form of financial masturbation. It don't worry. I want you to know all your hard-earned taxpayer money he's suing for is going to a good cause.
>> I think what we'll do is do something for charity. You know, we're thinking about doing something for charity where I'll give money to charity. We could make it a substantial amount.
Nobody would care because it's going to go to numerous very good charities. >> Yeah. Almost at the head of he's always finding new and innovative ways to fleece the American people.
Fun fact, when Trump got roasted on Comedy Central, he said his entire salary was going to charity, which he got a lot of positive press for, and then he gave the money to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, which later got shut down by the state of New York for fraud. But that's the art of the deal.
That's it. Franklin Wrong also announced with no heads up given to the staff who have been working there for years that he will be closing the Trump Kennedy Center. You know this thing he renamed after himself.
He said, "I've determined that the fastest way to bring the Trump Kennedy Center to the highest level of success, beauty, and grandeur is to cease entertainment operations for an approximately two-year period of time with a scheduled grand reopening that will rival and surpass anything that has taken place with respect to such a facility before. " This is actually smart. Artists can't keep refusing to perform there if he knocks it down.
You know, sometimes when you love something, you have to kill it. If all goes well, the Kennedy Center will reopen two years from now as the Kid Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And I think the center seemed to be in perfectly good enough shape for the first lady's movie premiere on Thursday night.
Melania the Movie with a budget of $75 million made $7 million over the weekend. It set a record. It was the biggest opening for a non-m musical vanity project/brazen corporate bribe in 10 years.
The first lady kicked things off with um at the premiere with a a lively open to a nationwide live stream. >> So here is a warm welcome to my guests in New York City. Hello Boston.
Hello LA. I'm sure everyone in Nashville is having a lovely time already. My film is about to begin.
>> She does films, she does she writes books, she does it all. She Melania has a score of 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. But on Fox News, uh, it got a strong 100%.
>> Melania should be nominated for I guess it's an Oscar, right? That's for movies. And if she was to go, she would be the best dressed in the classiest dress by a long shot.
>> Mark my words right now. If Melani gets nominated for an Oscar, I will host that show whether they ask me to or not. I will insist on it.
You know how this ends, right? This ends with Melania winning the first ever FIFA best actress award. And when they aren't shaking down companies like Amazon, Trump and his friends are busy arresting journalists.
On Thursday night, Don Lemon, the former CNN host, he's an independent journalist. and another independent journalist from Minneapolis named Georgia Fort were arrested for reporting on the scene at an anti-ICE protest at a church in St. Paul, Minnesota.
After multiple judges refused to sign off on a warrant to arrest them, Trump's DOJ convened a grand jury to charge them with conspiracy to deprive the congregants of the church of their rights and to interfere with religious freedom in a house of worship. And of course, Trump claimed he didn't know anything about it. No, I don't know anything about the Don Lemon thing, but he's a Swiss bag.
Everyone's known that he's a wash. Probably from his standpoint, the best thing that could happen to him, he's getting, you know, he had no viewers. He had he was a failure.
He was a failed host. And now he's uh he's in the news. I didn't know anything about him.
>> That's right. I called for his arrest and pleasured myself to a video of it happening, but other than that, it's news to me. I didn't know.
Anyway, Mr President, if you're watching tonight, get your bottles of ketchup ready because all the way from the FBI's most wanted list, Don Lemon is here for his first interview for us. And I want to admit, no one should worry, we have Don locked up in the green room backstage, so you're going to be okay. But before we get to Don, we have a tradition to uphold.
The first day of the month showed up yesterday unannounced once again. And once again, our nation's news people can hardly believe it. Well, good Monday morning everyone and we're already in February.
Wow. It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe that it's the start of February.
>> It's hard to believe it's already February. >> It's hard to believe it's actually February now because I thought January was never going to end. >> Happy February.
Can you believe it? >> No. I literally cannot.
>> Can you believe it's already February? Just happy February. >> I know.
Can you believe it? It's wild. I'm so glad we're done with January.
>> Sunday, February 1st. >> Can you believe it? A new month.
We made it uh Clay to February 1st. Can you believe that? >> It has been a while, hasn't it?
>> We are in the month of February. Can you believe it? >> I can't believe it.
>> Is that something? >> I can't believe it. >> Well, it must be true.
It says it right there in the teleprompter. >> But how how can it be February? It was just January.
>> I don't know, Cheryl. Okay. I don't know.
Is that what you want to hear? Oh, well, we got a big show for tonight. Alex Hold is here and we'll be right back with the recently incarcerated Don Lemon.
