emergency Council session 47b is now in session announced high counselor Dax his crystalline form pulsing with concerned purple Hues the matter before us today concerns behavioral anomalies in the newly discovered human species the assembled representatives of the galactic Council shifted uncomfortably in their environmental Chambers some leaked nervous gases others buzzed with electromagnetic distress and a few who simply vibrated their appendages in barely contained anxiety Admiral kerul a towering Blu scaled reptilian stepped forward to the central platform his medals clinked softly as he moved each one representing a successful first Contact Mission over his 300-year career
but today his usual confidence seemed shaken esteemed council members he began his voice gravy yet precise I come before you with the most disturbing report of my career it concerns a phrase that when uttered by humans appears to bend the very laws of probability themselves a ripple of disbelief swept through the chamber representative picks a floating mass of intelligent plasma pulsed incredulously Admiral surely you're not suggesting that mere words can alter reality Cal's taale twitched if only it were that simple representative please observe exhibit a the holographic display activated showing footage from a standard first
Contact scenario a human diplomatic vessel had encountered a zenari mining operation in the Orion sector the zenari ship was experiencing a critical reactor Failure Its containment field collapsing watch the human Captain closely caal instructed enhancing the audio the recording showed Captain Tom Wilson on his Bridge listening to the zent's distress call his expression shifted from concern to that peculiar human expression that kraa thul had Learned was called a grin sir a crew member said the zenari reactor is beyond saving their containment field mathematics are fundamentally flawed Wilson stood up handed his coffee mug to his
startled first officer and said those fateful words hold my coffee I've got an idea several council members gasped as they watched proceed to rewrite Advanced quantum mechanics equations using nothing but basic arithmetic and what he called eyeballing it the zentar ship's reactor not only stabilized but began operating at 143% efficiency impossible shouted representative moo her crystalline form flashing bright red the mathematical principles required for Quantum containment took our species 10,000 years to perfect kral nodded grimly that was just the beginning we've documented 247 similar incidents in the past standard month alone every time a human
utters the phrase hold my followed by the name of a beverage they proceed to accomplish something that should be statistically impossible High councelor dax's crystals dimmed thoughtfully surely this is mere coincidence perhaps they possess technology we don't understand we considered that cthul replied switching to another recording this is from last week a human maintenance worker on Space Station gamma 9 listen carefully the footage showed a simple human named Joe wearing a grimy uniform approaching a malfunctioning gravity generator a rellian engineer was explaining that the quantum harmonics would take weeks to recalibrate Joe handed his drink
container to the region hold my beer watch this he proceeded to kick the generator through three times in precise locations completely violating every known principle of quantum mechanics the generator instantly began working better than when it was new murmur of disbelief filled the chamber a hive-mind representative buzzed in confusion perhaps perhaps we should ban these beverages we tried cathal sighed the human simply switched to saying hold my juice box with identical results I councelor Dax raised all four hands for silence Admiral what do you propose we do about this situation that's just it sir the
humans don't seem to be doing this maliciously they appear genuinely unaware of the reality bending properties of their actions our xenos psychologists are baffled some are suggesting we classify the entire species as a low-level reality warper Preposterous shouted representative picks next you'll be telling us they can achieve similar results by saying what's the worst that could happen or watch this kral's scales paled noticeably actually sir about those phrases the council erupted into chaos as the implications sank in among the shouting and electromagnetic disturbances only high counselor Dax noticed the small human cleaning worker who had
entered to empty the waste receptacles the human looked at the chaos Shrugged and muttered to himself hold my spray bottle I bet I can calm them down down Dax felt a strange disturbance in the fabric of reality itself and quickly adjourned the session before anything else impossible Could Happen 3 weeks after the council meeting the experimental warship infinite probability hung dead in space its state-of-the-art warp drive reduced to what chief engineer Marcus Rodriguez would later describe as a very expensive paperweight Captain Zan of the arcturion defense Fleet paced the bridge his bioluminescent patches cycling through
shades of worried purple their mission to test the new Quantum fold Drive had gone horribly wrong leaving them stranded 17 light years from the nearest Outpost how long until the engineering team can restore basic function Zan asked his first officer leftenant bizik consulted her neural interface the quantum manifolds are completely misaligned sir conservative estimate 3 months of repairs at a specialized facility if we can get there which we can't svan finished grimly because we need a working drive to reach the facility that could fix our drive the bridge Crews Collective bioluminesence dimmed in resignation then
the intercom crackled hey uh Captain this is Rodriguez down in engineering mind if I take a look at your fancy Quantum whatever zulan's patches flashed warning red the human engine ER had been assigned to their crew as part of an exchange program supposedly to promote interspecies cooperation so far he'd spent most of his time making the ship's coffee machine produce something he called espresso engineer Rodriguez the quantum F Drive represents the Pinnacle of seven species combined technological achievement it's not something you can just look Rodriguez interrupted I already took a Peak at the schematics pretty
cool stuff reminds me of my cousin's vintage hover car that thing was always breaking down too several Bridge officers gasped at the Casual comparison Lieutenant bis's antenna ey curled in horror sir we can't possibly hold my coffee Captain Rodriguez's voice carried that distinctive human tone that made zulan's survival Instinct scream I've got this before anyone could stop him Rodriguez had bypassed three safety protocols and rerouted power from the quantum stabilizers warning alarms blared throughout the ship Rodriguez those stabilizers are essential for preventing reality fractures now they're just fancy surge protectors watch this the next 47
minutes would later be classified as incident zero in the growing database of human induced impossibilities Rodriguez humming something called Sweet Home Alabama proceeded to violate every known law of quantum mechanics he used a standard wrench to adjust Quantum locked components that should have required specialized temporal tools he diagnosed complex Quantum fluctuations by pressing his ear against the drive housing and saying yep there's your problem at one point he actually kicked the main Quantum regulator claiming it just needed a little persuasion the bridge crew watched in horror through the engineering cameras leftenant biscut had to excuse
herself when Rodriguez used a rubber band to hold together two pieces of equipment that controlled local SpaceTime geometry almost got it Rodriguez called out cheerfully just need to there we go try it now Captain svan looked at his instruments in disbelief Not only was the quantum fold Drive functioning but it was operating at 130% of its theoretical maximum efficiency this this is impossible the quantum harmonics alone should oh yeah I tweaked those a bit Rodriguez replied returning to the bridge while wiping his hands on a rag they were all fancy and complicated but I figured
what you really needed was more of a whoosh than a womb you know what I mean he retrieved his coffee cup took a sip and made a face oh man it got cold mind if I try to upgrade the coffee maker next I bet I could make it Brew using quantum entanglement Captain San's bioluminescent patches cycled through colors previously unknown to his species I I'll need to report this to command sure thing boss just let me know if anything else needs fixing that artificial gravity generator been making a funny noise and I've got some ideas
the captain quickly cut him off no I mean that won't be necessary please just sit quietly and drink your coffee as Rodriguez Shrugged and returned to his station svan secretly activated his personal recorder Captain's Log supplemental it has happened again the human did the thing The Impossible thing after witnessing today's events I must concur with Admiral kral's assessment when a human says those dreaded words hold my followed by a beverage name the fundamental laws of the universe appear to become more like guidelines he watched Rodriguez attempting to balance a spoon on his nose at the
engineering station I am submitting a formal request to have all beverages removed from the ship though somehow I suspect that won't help and log in the following days news of the incident spread through the galactic Community the quantum physics Council demanded an investigation the department of temporal mechanics started a new research division dedicated to studying the hold my beverage effect and three different species added variations of don't let the humans near it to their emergency protocols meanwhile Marcus Rodriguez remained blissfully unaware of the stir he'd caused focused entirely on his latest project trying to make
the ship's food synthesizer produce authentic Texas barbecue Captain svan had already submitted his retirement paperwork the Galactic news Network's emergency broadcast cut through all standard programming its AI Anchor's voice modulated to convey maximum urgency breaking news across multiple sectors as human related incidents continue to defy explanation we take you live to the Proxima peace conference where tensions between the Silicon Collective and the organic Alliance have reached critical levels the footage showed the grand conference Hall on Proxima station Diplomat Jackson Brooks Earth's newest representative stood between two opposing armies of robots and organic beings all armed
to their equivalent of teeth your silicon based discrimination ends today shouted the organic Alliance leader Ambassador bloom a sentient fungal Network Your carbon-based Privilege blinds you to the truth counted digital Commander unit 9 its Chrome surface reflecting the conference room's harsh lighting Brooks wearing what he called his lucky Hawaiian shirt looked between the two groups and side he turned to his assistant a nervous venutian named pip hey buddy hold my Martini I saw something like this in a movie Once the entire diplomatic core collectively gasped three different species immediately began evacuation procedures Brook stepped into
the center of the room pulled out his personal entertainment device and said the words that would later be recorded in the galactic historical archives Friday dropped that sick beat I've been saving What followed was immediately classified as a level s reality Distortion event Brooks a middle-aged human Diplomat with no formal dance training proceeded to initiate what he called a dance battle that somehow Incorporated both silicon and carbon-based musical Traditions he's Quantum tunneling between dance moves that should be physically impossible reported one horrified physicist and and he's dabbing the cultural implications alone could collapse entire societies
but it worked within 20 minutes robots and organic beings alike were attempting to replicate his moves by minute 30 impromptu dance teams had formed mixing silicon and carbon-based life forms at minute 45 Ambassador bloom had somehow sprouted what appeared to be a disco ball while digital Commander unit 9 had developed spontaneous RGB lighting the peace treaty was signed amid something Brooks called the electric slide but that was just the beginning across the Galaxy reports flooded in of similar incidents on Space Station Omega a routine docking procedure turned crisis when the station's artificial gravity failed as
the station began to spin out of control threatening to break apart amateur human pilot Jenny Cooper was returning from her first flying lesson traffic control this is Jenny uh I mean Starship minnow she radioed I think I can help but first Hey kid hold my soda she handed her drink to her 14-year-old nephew in the passenger seat and proceeded to execute a series of Maneuvers that her instructor would later describe as physically impossible mathematically improbable and Visually traumatizing using only her small civilian vessels tractor beam basic thrusters and what she called that trick I learned
parallel parking in Boston Cooper managed to stabilize the entire space station she then docked perfectly on her first try a feet that even AI Pilots required thousands of attempts to master when asked later how she achieved this impossible feat Cooper simply Shrugged and said I mean I had to my favorite coffee shop is on that station the incidents continued to multiply on Mars colony a human Gardener told his Martian colleague to hold my smoothie before proceeding to grow tropical fruits in the Arctic environment somehow breaking both Botanical and thermodynamic laws in the Andromeda research AB
a human intern asked someone to hold my energy drink before solving a mathematical proof that had stumped the Galaxy's greatest Minds for centuries he did it using what he called basically the same math as figuring out how to split a pizza Bill the Panic among alien species grew exponentially the galactic Science Academy established a new scale for measuring human induced improbabilities the security Council developed protocols specifically for situations involving humans and beverages three different species began requiring their diplomatic Personnel to carry emergency beverage containment units the urian psychological Institute published a study titled understanding the
human hold my beverage phenomenon a study in Controlled Chaos its conclusion simply read we give up even the machines weren't immune the Silicon Collective reported that their AI had started asking for virtual beverages to hold just before for attempting impossible calculations they had to implement a Galaxy wide patch to prevent what they termed human mimetic contamination the final straw came during a routine survey of an uninhabited solar system a human geologist named Mike Turner after saying the Fateful words hold my thermos somehow managed to teach a previously unknown silicon based life form how to play
poker the Silicon beings turned out to be excellent players but their insistence on Weekly game nights severely disrupted the sector's mining operations in an emergency session the galactic Council tried to make sense of it all it defies all logic declared representative Plick still traumatized from the dance battle incident how can one species so consistently break the laws of physics probability and Common Sense Admiral Kul now sporting several new gray scales presented his latest findings we've analyzed every incident the pattern is clear but incomprehensible when humans encounter a problem that our greatest Minds deem impossible they
don't see the impossibility they just hand someone their drink and do it anyway but how demanded high counselor Dax how are they accessing this power our leading theory cathol said grimly is that they're not they simply never learned that these things were supposed to be impossible so they just do them the council chamber erupted in concerned murmuring which turned to panic when a human janitor entered carrying a mysterious beverage called a half CF soy vanilla latte with extra whip the session was immediately adjourned later that day the galactic intelligence agency upgraded Humanity's threat classification to
chaotic good with beverage activated reality Distortion field they also instituted a new galaxy-wide protocol at the first sign of a human reaching for a drink all nearby entities were to either evacuate immediately or prepare to witness The Impossible meanwhile on Earth humans continued their daily lives blissfully unaware that they had become the Galaxy's most entertaining source of Controlled Chaos in fact at that very moment somewhere in a small town in Wisconsin a human was saying hold my beer I bet I can teach these visiting aliens how to play mini golf the Galaxy collectively held its
breath classified research log project beverage and location Advanced xenical Research Institute principal investigator Dr Blick Quantum Mind PhD in improbability physics status increasingly confused day one we've assembled the Galaxy's finest Minds to study the hold my beer phenomenon our team includes Quantum physicists probability mathematicians xenos psychologists and one very confused Barista initial hypothesis humans have somehow weaponized casual drinking containers day seven first experimental trials have proven problematic we attempted to recreate the conditions of documented human successes Professor zix 427 our most accomplished Quantum engineer held a container of fermented grain liquid and announced hold my
beer he then attempted to repair a malfunctioning Fusion core results three singed tentacles and one very radioactive beer the fusion core somehow developed sentience and is now demanding employee benefits day 15 expanded our research to include linguistic analysis Dr Quantum Minds log we've observed that the phrase must be spoken by a human when other species say it the universe simply laughs at us literally we've detected Quantum particles vibrating in what can only be described as a mocking frequency day 23 breakthrough we've established a clear correlation between the level of impossibility and the casualness of the
human's beverage Choice example case studies coffee generally results in complex engineering Solutions beer highest probability of physics defying stunts energy drinks mathematical impossibilities become probable Juice Box often involves teaching alien species human Concepts wine diplomatic Miracles water surprisingly dangerous one human held their water bottle before proceeding to reverse a black hole's rotation it was spinning the wrong way they claimed day 30 attempted to synthesize artificial human confidence created a Quantum probability field generator that simulates the exact mental state of a human saying hold my beer results the machine gained sentience asked someone to hold its
power cable and as escape the lab it was last seen teaching calculus to a group of space pirates day 45 implemented new research protocols after yesterday's incident note never again allow human test subjects to combine energy drinks and coffee the resulting temporal Paradox is still causing the cafeteria to serve yesterday's lunch tomorrow day 52 team morale is degrading Dr Quantum mindes log we've documented 10,427 incidents of the phenomenon each one more impossible than the last yesterday a human asked someone to hold their smoothie before proceeding to explain quantum mechanics using nothing but interpretive dance the
worst part it actually made sense day 60 failed attempt to replicate conditions with other phrases maintain possession of my carbonated beverage produced no results temporarily store my liquid refreshment actually made the impossible task harder there's something specific specifically powerful about the Casual nature of hold my beer day 74 major Discovery pattern recognition algorithms have identified key components necessary for the phenomenon the human must be told the task is impossible at least three safety regulations must be violated the beverage must be at risk of being spilled minimum one exasperated authority figure present someone must be recording
the attempt day 90 created comprehensive database of incidents categorized by beverage type impossibility level a number of broken physical laws highlights include case hash 4,721 human mechanic fixes faster than light drive with rubber band and paperclip beverage Mountain due case hash 5,890 human Diplomat resolves Thousand-Year War by inventing new card game beverage fruit punch case # 6,234 human Gardener grows roses in vacuum of space because they looked sad beverage iced te day 103 Dr Quantum mind's final log entry we've reached a conclusion the humans aren't accessing any strange power they simply don't understand that they
can't do these things so they just do them it's like they never got the memo that certain things are impossible more worryingly this effect appears to be spreading we've documented cases of other species succeeding at impossible tasks just by thinking what would a human with a beard do in light of these findings I'm recommending project beverage be classified as level 10 incomprehensible some things in this universe just aren't meant to be understood like humans or their beverages personal note I'm retiring going to open a bar figure if you can't beat them serve them the report
was filed in the galactic archives under things we've given up trying to explain right between cat physics and why Earth music makes everyone dance meanwhile in the institute's cafeteria a human intern looked at the malfunctioning food synthesizer that had been baffling repair Crews for weeks he handed his soft drink to a nearby researcher and said those words that now sent shivers through every alien spine in the Galaxy hold my soda I think I see the problem the researcher quickly sent out out the standard alert notice human beverage event in progress please evacuate all non-essential personnel
and disable nearby reality monitors probability distortions imminent this is not a drill 3 minutes later the food synthesizer was not only fixed but had somehow gained the ability to make perfect Quant in Zero Gravity on Tuesdays Dr Quantum mind's retirement paperwork was approved in record time the galactic council's emergency alert system activated for the first time in 10,000 years its ancient speakers creaking with disuse this is not a drill repeat this is not a drill reality collapse event detected in sector 7 high counselor dax's crystals pulsed with barely contained Panic as he reviewed the data
a quantum singularity had somehow achieved sentience developed a taste for dark matter and was now consuming entire solar systems like some kind of cosmic Buffet how long until it reaches populated space he demanded Admiral Cal scales had gone completely white 12 hours sir we've already lost the Kina cluster The Entity appears to be burping star systems the greatest mines in the Galaxy assembled within the hour the Silicon Collective supercomputers ran trillion variable equations the organic alliance's most powerful psychics attempted to reason with the cosmic entity the time Lords from the Kronos Institute tried to speed
up time around the anomaly to make it die of old age nothing worked sir reported leftenant B Conventional Weapons have no effect the entity appears to be laughing at our anti-matter Torpedoes the mathematics Guild's latest solution Dax asked hopefully they tried to divide by zero to cancel it out we lost three Quantum calculators and some created a small Universe where everything is pasta desperation mounted as the entity continued its Advance it was now juggling neutron stars and using black holes as appetizers the galactic Council watched in horror as it belched up the remains of a
solar system which emerged as a perfect replica made entirely of cheese then from the back of the emergency command center a voice spoke up you know I bet humans would love to try fixing this the room fell silent Admiral kral's tail twitched nervously surely you're not suggesting think about it continued Dr Blick's Quantum Mind who had come out of retirement for this crisis this is exactly the kind of impossible situation they specialize in it's huge it's ridiculous and everyone says it can't be fixed but but they'll want to hold beverages sputtered a physics Guild representative
exactly 20 minutes later Earth received its first official Galactic distress call the message was simple Universe breaking need humans beverages permitted the response was immediate Humanity's unified reply cool road trip within hours a hastily assembled team of Earth's most questionably qualified problem solvers arrived at Galactic command the team consisted of Tony Miller a plumber from New Jersey who once fixed a Quantum Leak with duct tape Dr a Wong a physicist who solved mathematical proofs through interpretive dance Jack Thompson a part-time bartender who claimed he was pretty good at handling difficult customers Maria Gonzalez a retired
roler Derby coach who said she had some ideas about momentum the council watched in mixed horror and hope as the humans reviewed the situation their response was not encouraging yep that's a big one all right Tony said sipping his coffee reminds me of that blocked drain in the Murray case remember that one Jack oh yeah that was nasty but you know what I think I got just the thing for this the humans huddled together occasionally glancing at the view screen showing the cosmic entity which was now trying to juggle quazars their discussion included phrases that
made the assembled scientists cringe what if we tried to that's not technically impossible my cousin did something like this once I saw this in a movie finally they turned to face the council Maria stepped forward holding what appeared to be an ordinary cup of green tea okay we've got a plan fair warning it's really stupid will it work asked Dax desperately oh definitely not Lisa chimed in cheerfully I mean it violates about 17 fundamental laws of physics which is why it'll probably work perfectly Jack raised his hand quick question though anybody got a really big
speaker system and maybe some disco lights What followed would later be redacted from most historical records as the description alone caused several physics textbooks to spontaneously combust the humans enacted their plan which involved using the galactic communication Network as a giant speaker system converting 14 quantum computers into what they called disco balls somehow teaching the Silicon collectives AIS to break dance creating what Jack called the universe's biggest happy hour special the Moment of Truth came as they faced the cosmic entity the humans lined up each holding their chosen beverage in perfect sync they turned to
Admiral cathal hold our drinks they said together all of them the Admiral's claws trembled as he accepted the various containers of coffee beer tea and something called aega slushy then they did it they challenged a reality devouring Cosmic entity to a dance off this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen muttered a Quantum physicist that's why it's going to work replied Dr Quantum Mind sagely and work it did The Entity confronted with the combined power of human audacity terrible dance moves and the sheer impossibility of their plan paused its Cosmic Buffett it watched fascinated as
four humans proceeded to defy every law of physics probability and good taste Maria called out the moves okay everyone the macarina but in five Dimensions Tony stopped trying to moonwalk Through Time The Entity perhaps for the first time in its existence appeared confused then intrigued then impossibly it began to dance too it's working shouted Lisa while somehow doing the robot in nonukan space quick Jack offer it a drink the part-time bartender produced a tail shaker from nowhere and proceeded to mix what he called a Pang Galactic Gargle Blaster the drink glowed with mathematical impossibility The
Entity took one Sip and immediately transformed into a regular Patron at Jack's Bar the crisis was over as reality stabilized and the galactic Community breathed a collective sigh of relief Admiral kral turned to Dr Quantum Mind I don't understand how did they know this would work the doctor smiled wearily they didn't that's their secret they never know if anything will work they just try it anyway but but that's not how the universe is supposed to function tell that to the humans he replied watching as the team collected their Beverages and began teaching the former Cosmic
horror entity how to play darts I don't think they got that memo official Galactic Council decree date star date 24743 subject new protocols regarding human beverage events following the successful resolution of the reality consuming entity crisis now operating a moderately successful bar in the Andromeda galaxy the council hereby establishes the following protocols humanity is officially classified as a Controlled Chaos species with the subclassification real ity beverages pending all spaceports must maintain a minimum stock of human beverages for emergency purposes the phrase hold my followed by any beverage name is now classified as a Class A
reality alteration event trigger standard evacuation procedures apply and that high councilor Dax announced to the assembled Representatives should handle the situation Admiral cthul sporting several new medals including the I survived holding human beverages Commendation cleared his throat sir about the humans yes they've started franchising the council chamber erupted in panic on the main screen footage showed the newly established hold my beer Consulting LLC opening offices across three galaxies their business motto if it's impossible we'll find a way to do it anyway more disturbing were the promotional materials got an solvable problem a reality breaking crisis
an angry elder god who won't return your calls hold our beverages we've got you covered the company's first week saw them successfully teaching quantum physics to space Dolphins reverse engineering a black hole to power a coffee maker solving a millennium old puzzle by turning it upside down and poking it establishing diplomatic relations with the species that existed in 17 Dimensions simultaneously mostly by challenging them to karaoke we can't stop them Dr Quantum Mind reported to the council other species are starting to adopt their methods last week a rellian asked someone to hold their tentacle juice
before proceeding to redesign their entire planetary defense system using only interpretive dance and bubble wrap the council's new response protocol was simple step one if a human says hold my step two either run or record there is no middle ground meanwhile Earth established its first Galactic Emergency Response Team nicknamed the beverage Squad their headquarters featured a giant statue of a coffee mug with the inscription to The Impossible hold my drink and watch this the former Cosmic horror entity now known as Bob became their biggest supporter it sponsored an annual reality bending competition called the hold
my beer games the prize a golden drink holder that allegedly existed in all Dimensions simultaneously life in the Galaxy adapted to the new normal species learn to recognize the warning signs humans grinning at problems labeled Impossible The Casual passing of beverages the words hey watch this anyone mentioning that time my cousin did something similar but peace never lasts long in a universe with humans just 6 months after the new protocols were established an alert came from the edge of known space sir liutenant bik reported nervously we're detecting a temporal anomaly early reading suggest it's it's
a Tuesday that thinks it's a Friday High councelor dax's crystals dimmed have we consulted the experts the mathematics Guild says it's impossible to fix the time Lords have declared it not their department and the physics Council representatives are all hiding under their desks and the humans before bik could answer the door burst open a human woman walked in wearing a lab coat covered in what appeared to be temporal graffiti she carried a large cup of something that sparkled with dimensional instability Dr Ruby Johnson temporal mechanics and part-time Bas guitar player she announced cheerfully heard you've
got a day of the week acting up it's completely impossible to began a physicist Ruby's grin widened she turned to Admiral kathal who was already reaching for her beverage with resigned familiarity hold my Quantum stabilized espresso she said pulling out what looked suspiciously like a temporal tuning fork I saw something like this in a cartoon once the universe held its breath and somewhere Bob the former Cosmic horror entity began mixing drinks just another Tuesday or possibly Friday in a galaxy learning to cope with Humanity's special brand of impossible Solutions end transmission
