Okay, class. If I give you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? >> That would be six.
>> Correct. Yes, Mark. >> Seven.
>> No, Mark. Listen again. If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
>> Seven. >> Uh, let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?
>> Six. >> Good. Now, if I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
>> Seven. >> Mark, where the heck are you getting seven? Because I already have a cat.
>> Oh, my hands. >> Hey class, welcome to the first day of school. I'll be calling attendance.
Starting with you, Broccoli. Your name is Broccoli, like the vegetable. That's weird.
Thanks. How about you, Samantha? You're a boy and your name is Samantha?
Yeah. You got a problem with that? No, thank you, Samantha.
Okay. What about you? What did your parents name you?
My name is Jack. Finally, a normal name. It's short for Jack Lantern.
Jesus Christ. >> Present. Oh, great hands.
>> Mark, as usual, you're not listening. >> Yes, I am. >> This is why you don't have a good grade in English.
>> Well, English is dumb. >> Excuse me? >> I said English is dumb.
>> No, it isn't. >> Oh, really? Then why is there no egg in eggplant?
And there's no ham in hamburger. And there's no pine or apple in pineapple. >> Well, >> box rings are squares.
A guinea pig is neither a pig nor is it from a guinea. A strawberry isn't a berry, but a banana is. >> Okay, Mark, that's enough.
>> I'm not done. Tear and tear are spelled the exact same, but pronounced differently. And one more thing, your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don't have to tips.
Yet, you can tip toe, but you can't tip fingers. And that's why English is dumb. Case closed.
>> Excuse me, Miss Johnson. You dropped something. Oh, that's trash.
Oh, well, you have a trash can right next to you. That's awesome. Well, now you can do your job and put it there.
Don't look sad for doing your job. The next day. >> Hi, Miss Johnson.
>> Hey, school was over 5 minutes ago. >> I just wanted to give you $200 to clean the classroom. >> $200?
Okay. Yeah. >> If I give you another $200, will you clean all the trash in the school?
>> I won't like doing it, but I'll do it for $200. >> Awesome. And will you clean the restrooms for $200 more?
>> You know what? For $600 in total, it's worth it. Hour and 30 minutes later.
Finally, I'm done. >> That's great. >> Wait a minute.
Why did you have $600 with you? Hey, Mark, did you give the $600 to Miss Johnson that I told you to give to her for her salary? >> I sure did.
>> Hey, class. I only had two students this year that came to school every single day and got 100% perfect attendance. I need everyone to step it up next year.
Uh, yes, Jack. Did you want to congratulate your friends? Um, no.
I just wanted to ask how is that fair? because I only missed one day of school and that's cuz I was in the hospital. Well, remember class, it's our responsibility to keep ourselves healthy for school.
It was for a car accident. Hm. Well, maybe you can encourage your parents to drive safer.
>> Yes, Stephanie. >> I've been here every day, but my mom makes me late in the morning because she won't get out of bed. >> Okay, class.
Let's remember it is our responsibility to make sure our parents are up on time. Like class, there really isn't a valid excuse to miss school. What?
Mark, >> why do we have to be here every day when you took a week off to go to Italy with someone who wasn't your husband? >> Hey, Miss Johnson, can you do my homework? >> That's not my work.
Do it yourself. >> Please, I beg of you. >> You have hands.
Why don't you do it? >> I'm going to tell the principal then. >> Just stop it.
I'm not even scared. >> Oh, fine. Well, can I use the bathroom?
>> Sure. Hurry. >> Hello.
>> Hey, principal. The teacher is being so mean to us today and not doing her work properly. >> What?
I didn't hire her to not do her job right. Let me talk to her. Okay, here she is.
>> Miss Johnson, why are you not doing your work properly? >> Stop your work and do it yourself. >> What?
I'm your boss. >> You have hands. Why don't you do it?
>> Oh, I'm going to send you where Michael Jackson's at. >> Just stop it. I'm not even scared.
>> Oh, she's going to get it. >> Miss Johnson, how dare you talk to me like that. >> What?
What's going on? Say hi to Michael Jackson for me. >> Oh, my friends, >> dude.
It's been so boring lately. Facts. Ever since Mark got suspended, class been so boring.
>> Guess who's back? >> No way. Yes.
Welcome back, Mark, and thanks for joining us. Have you learned your lesson? >> Yes.
>> Good. Now, go take a seat. >> All right, if you say so.
>> Oh, great. >> Hey, class. Who wants to buy my house for $5?
>> Only $5? Me. I'll buy it.
>> Here, it's all yours. >> No way. I just bought a house >> later that day.
>> Mommy, I just bought a house for $5. >> What? >> It was the teacher.
She sold it to me. >> Son, there's no way she would sell a house for $5. >> She sold it to me.
>> I don't believe you. Don't worry, sweetie. I'll go to school with him tomorrow to figure out what actually happened.
Hi, I was wondering if you actually sold your house for $5 to my son. Well, yesterday I got a call from my husband's boss saying that he flew off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back. Thanks.
Sorry to hear that, but what does that have to do with my son and your house? Oh, well, today my husband called and said his wallet was stolen and that him and his new lady are starving. They need money desperately.
So, he told me to sell the house and send him all the money. So, I did. Okay, class.
Make sure y'all study. Yes, Mark. >> How can we study when a year has 365 days and after taking 52 Sundays, we're left with 313 days?
And after taking 52 days in the summer, we're left with 263 days. And after taking sleep 8 hours a day, we're left with 141 days. >> Okay, you can stop, Mark.
>> If we fooled around for 1 hour every day, we're left with 126 days. If we spend 2 hours eating every day, we're left with 96 days. Just stop.
>> I'm not done. What if we spend 1 hour talking to our friends and family every day? We're left with 81 days.
Exams and tests take at least 35 days in a year. With this, we're left with 46 days. After taking 40 days of holidays in a year, we're left with 6 days.
Let's say you get sick a minimum of 3 days. We're left with 3 days. Let's say you go out for 2 days and you have 1 day left and that day is your birthday.
So, how can we study? >> Where are you? >> Mark's teacher is calling me.
Hello, Miss Johnson. Hi. Your son hit another student.
Really? Why would he do that? They were at recess.
They had a race and Mark won. And the little boy caught an attitude and he hit Mark. Okay, so let me be clear.
They were at recess. Correct. And my son Mark won the race.
Yes. The other kid hit my son. Yes.
And then the other kid got beat up by my son. I guess you can say that. So why are you calling me again?
Because he put a bruise on a student and now he's having a rainy day. Actually, it sounds like my son is having a sunny day and the other kid is having a rainy day because my son won the race and the fight. Ma'am, miss.
Ma'am, what if the little boy's mama comes up here? Then the little boy's mama can catch Mark's mom's hand. Ma'am, are you going to be giving me half your paycheck?
And why would I do that? Because I'm doing half your job right now. Have a good day, ma'am.
Beep. >> Hey class, today you're going to tell me what you want to be when you grow up and why. Who wants to go first?
Jacob, I want to be an engineer cuz I like to build things. Wow, that's great. I hope you can achieve that.
Mike, I want to be a doctor cuz I want to help people. That's amazing, Mike. Mark, >> I want to be a billionaire so I can go to the most expensive clubs, have the baddest girl, and so I can give my girl a Lambo.
>> Okay, >> I'm not done. And I want to buy her a million dollar apartment in Paris and let her use my private jet so she can go anywhere she wants to go. And I want to wrestle with her three or four times a day, if you know what I mean.
>> Okay, on to the next person. Melanie. >> Um, I'm too shy to say.
It's okay, Melanie. You can tell us. We don't judge.
Except for Mark. We can judge him. >> Well, miss, to be honest, I want to be Mark's baddest girl.
>> Oh, great. >> Bro, can you guess this word? >> Um, is it corn?
>> No. It makes loud noises. >> No, this is not acceptable.
I'm going to tell your mother and the principal after school. >> Huh? >> After school?
>> Where's my son at? >> Is your son Mark Adams? >> Yes.
He's being held in the principal's office. >> What? Hi.
What is going on here? Miss Johnson here is explaining it right now. He was showing this to his friend asking what word is it and he said it makes loud noises.
Exactly. He should be taught a lesson for using dirty words. >> Wait, Mark, what was the word?
>> I'm sorry to break it to you, Miss Johnson, but the word was horn. I think you're the one who has a dirty mind. >> I can't stand teachers that are dirty minded.
You're fired. >> Oh, great. >> Okay, class.
I hope everyone's ready for your presentations today. Mark, you'll be going first. Okay, so I decided to write a poem about my life.
>> Wait, wait, wait. A poem? This is an English class.
It's a math class, >> but it has math in it. >> Okay, go on. >> 2+ 2 is 4.
My ex-girlfriend is a But it's cool. 10 - 7 is 3. That was my age when my dad left me.
He'll be back. 1 + 1 is 2. This morning I stepped on dog poo and it sucked.
5 - 4 is 1. My mom once said, "You're not my son. " That hurt.
1 - 1 is zero. My grandpa is my biggest hero. Then he died.
10 divided by two is five. I'm still waiting for my dad to arrive one day. The end.
>> Oh, great. >> Good morning, students. Turn to chapter 2.
>> Good morning, teacher. >> Quiet. What did I just say?
>> Sorry, teacher. I just wanted to say >> you're still talking. >> What's so funny you missed Adam?
>> Nothing. Nothing. Sorry.
>> Good. Now, who can tell me the answer to question one, chapter 1? 20s x >> students will raise their hand when they answer.
Do I make myself clear? >> Yes, teacher. Sorry, teacher.
>> Question two. Mark, answer, please. >> Uh, I'm not sure.
>> Out. >> What? >> Teacher, is the answer 25.
1? >> You get out, too. >> What?
>> I said students will raise their hand. >> I'm so sorry. >> Please follow instructions.
Both of you get out. >> Fine. >> No, please.
I've never got in trouble before. >> Out. I teach the best.
I'm a teacher. No, I'm the parent. I teach my kid better.
>> I'm the coach. I teach the best. >> We teach the best.
>> Steve, did you really turn in a blank piece of paper? Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.
That's amazing, dude. Last time you didn't turn in anything. I see improvement from you.
You're going to get a 100. Really? Thanks, teach.
Um, Mr Smith, I actually turned my work in and did the assignment. Why does he get the same grade as me? You think I care, Carl?
Okay, class. For your final, just read an old book and draw me a funny picture and I'll give you a 100. >> Hey, I love this class.
>> Mister, is that even an appropriate final? Carl, what are you talking about? Shouldn't we have something more challenging as a final?
>> Oh, you want something more challenging? All right, the rest of the class, just draw the picture. And for Carl, you have a 15-page essay.
What? That's not what I meant. You should have kept your mouth shut.
So, class, I don't really feel like grading, so I'm just going to leave my laptop open in case y'all want to give yourselves a 100. What? How did that happen?
All of a sudden, when I came back from the bathroom, everyone got 100. Mr Smith, this is not right. I deserve a 100.
Everyone else didn't do any work. Oh no, Carl's grade dropped to a 60. How did that happen?
>> Oh, great. >> Enough talking. You're on thin ice.
>> Why are you on the table? >> You said I was on thin ice. Get down right now and hit the books.
>> Take that. What do you have to say now? Algebra.
>> If you don't want to be here, then leave. >> Goodbye, Miss Johnson. >> Oh, great.
>> I'll wait. I'll wait. >> I know, right?
Bro, what is she waiting for? >> I don't know. Just put your hand up.
I'll wait. Fingers on lips, please. >> If we want to act like children, and that's how we're going to be treated.
Okay. Fingers on lips, please. Um, excuse me, guys.
It's a little loud in here. >> Um, I'm a person, too. >> No, you're not.
>> Shut up, loser. Okay. All right.
I'm getting really sick of you. You're all 12 years old. This is terrible.
Will you be acting like this in your own home? >> What? Talking?
Yes. >> Get out. >> Okay.
>> Good job, Ella. Okay. Who thinks they know number four?
Uh. Oh, Bill. Is it 25?
Not quite. Anyone else? Uh, yeah.
Rebecca, is it 39? Almost. Anyone else want to try?
Anyone? Last chance. >> Yeah, it's 48.
>> Hey, Mark, raise your hand. >> Okay, class. I hope everyone did their report on what they want to be when they grow up.
Mark, you're up first. >> Okay, I've looked over everything and I decided I want to become a thief. >> What?
Mark, how did you get to thief? >> You said you wanted the best for me and to be successful and have nice things. Yeah.
>> Yeah. Well, a lawyer wants me to become a criminal. A baker hopes I need to borrow money.
A landlord hopes I can never buy my own home. A dentist wants my teeth to rot. Doctors hope we get sick and need medication.
Mechanics hope our car breaks down. The gym owners hope we get fat. And funeral directors hope we none of them wish me well.
So, the only one that wants me to have nice things is a thief. So, I'm going to be a thief. Aren't you proud of me?
>> Hey, class. I want you to draw something scary on a piece of paper. And when you're done, raise your hand.
Yes, Sarah. >> This is what I drew. >> What is it?
>> Lightning. >> Oh, yeah. Lightning can be scary.
Bryce, here's mine. What is that? Well, miss, what comes after lightning?
Thunder. I'm scared of thunder. Oh, very good.
Anyone else? Anybody? >> Me.
I'm the only one raising my hand. >> Fine. Mark, >> this is what I drew.
>> Oh, what did you even draw? >> A period. >> Mark, what is so scary about a period?
>> Well, miss, I really don't know, but I know my sister missed three of them, and she's freaking out. >> Oh, great. Give me your phone.
I'm going to put it away. No, give me your phone. I'll put it away.
I'm sorry. You'll get it after school. >> Oh, great.
>> Give me your phone. Oh, my mom texted me. It's an emergency.
I don't care. Give me your phone. But it's an emergency.
What am I supposed to do? If she wants to contact you, she can contact the school, then we contact you. >> Oh, great heavens.
>> Give me your phone. >> Oh, great heavens. >> Here, give me your phone.
>> No. >> You better give me your phone or I'm calling your mother. >> Call her then, cuz you didn't pay for it.
>> Oh, great heavens. >> I'm calling her right now. Yo, New Yo class, guess what?
Our English teacher is absent, so we have a free period. >> I smell happy students. >> Okay, class.
I'll be taking over. Who can solve this problem? >> What?
>> Mark. And this is why you're failing, cuz you're not being smart. >> Speaking about being smart, let's see if you can answer this question correctly.
A mom has three kids. April, May. What is the name of the third kid?
Stop playing these games cuz this is so easy. The answer is June. >> I'll give you one more chance.
A mama has three kids. April, May. What is the name of the third kid?
>> May, June, uh, July. >> Wrong. And this is why you're failing to teach me.
Cuz you're not smart. >> Oh, heavens. >> Does anyone know the answer?
Mark, you're in big trouble for being late. >> Sorry. My grandma was in the hospital.
>> Oh, I'm so sorry. You get a pass. >> Thank you.
A month later. Does anyone know the answer? Mark, why are you late again?
>> I told you my grandma is in the hospital. >> Oh my gosh. Still, it's been a month.
Is she okay? >> Yeah, she's a doctor. >> Oh, >> if you ever experience some of these situations, here are some comebacks that you can use when your parents catch you lying.
>> Son, I told you not to eat the cookies. >> Mom, I didn't eat them. >> Son, I know you ate the cookies.
You're such a liar. >> Yeah, I'm the liar, Mom. >> Yeah, you are.
>> Three things, Mom. Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. >> Oh, good.
>> When a teacher calls you out for failing the test in front of the whole class. >> Mr Adams, can you please come up and explain to the entire class why you are the only one who failed my test? >> Sure.
Hey guys, I failed Miss Johnson's test because um Miss Johnson, you failed to teach me. >> Hey class, I'll be taking attendance and hopefully it won't be as weird as the last class. Let's start with you, Legma.
What? I swear to myself that I wouldn't yell to a kid today. Please don't make me a liar.
What's wrong with legma? Next. My name's Jim.
Jim? That's normal. Nice.
It's spelled G Y N. What were your parents thinking? My parents wanted to be able to say they had an at home gym.
Huh? That's actually why my name is Ferrari. Miss Johnson, don't yell.
Don't yell. It's not their fault. Okay, next.
>> My mom named me cigarette. She tried to give me up several times. >> Oh, you little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually, she's sleeping through class. One day, the teacher caught her napping and tells her, "April, who created the universe? " April didn't wake up, and a boy next to her named Mark jabbed her in the rear.
"God almighty! " she shouted. And the teacher said, "Very good.
" And April fell right back to sleep. A while later, the teacher asked April, "Who is the Lord and Savior? " But she didn't wake up again.
So Mark came to the rescue again and jabbed her. >> "Jesus Christ," she shouted, and the teacher said, "Very good. " Then she fell back to sleep.
The teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child? And again, Mark stabbed her with a pen.
April jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your >> The teacher fainted. " "And what does this mean if Mark? " >> Oh, sorry.
>> I don't want to interrupt your conversation while I'm teaching, but what are we talking about right now? >> James Town. >> Well, do you want to tell me what it is?
>> The first permanent English settlement. >> Oo. Sh.
Nuh-uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, there should be no audience participation right now. Last one.
When was it founded? I went over this at the very beginning. >> Uh, got him.
>> 167. >> That is correct. Eyes up here.
It's not my time you're wasting. It's yours. >> Do you live in a different time zone then?
>> Enough. I'm sick of you. >> Well, maybe you should go see a doctor, miss.
>> Move seats, please. Are you being serious right now? I'm dying to find out.
>> Someone help. My teacher's dying. >> Oh, great.
1,380 / 20 equals Yes. Mark, >> do you have a dirty mind? >> No, of course not.
>> Okay, so if I prove you wrong, I get to leave class early. >> Okay, fine, cuz I know I don't have one. >> All men have one.
Some are small and some are long, and some men don't use it. But every man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
>> That is disgusting, Mark. You're going to be in big trouble, mister. >> The answer is his last name.
And since I proved you wrong, bye. I'll see you tomorrow. >> Oh, great.
>> Okay, class. Put your notes away. It's test time.
Here you go. >> Hey, teach. >> Yeah, what's up?
>> I'm done. >> Done already? Wow, that was quick.
Are you sure you're done? >> Yeah. >> Okay.
All right. Ooh. Oh, wow.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Hey, class. Listen. Take your time.
It's not about how quickly you can get this test done. And make sure to show your work. >> Hey, Mark.
What do you want to be when you grow up? >> A rapper. >> In your dreams.
More like a dumb, ugly rapper. Kaye. It's okay, teach.
I got this. >> Twinkle, twinkle, little star, you should know what you are. And once you know what you are, the mental hospital is not so far.
>> Hey class, I want you to use fascinate in a sentence. Yes, Molly. >> My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep and it was fascinating.
>> That was good. But I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating. Tommy, my family went to Disney World and I was so fascinated.
Well, that was good, Tommy, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated. Anyone else? Oh, I don't want to pick him cuz he plays too much.
But maybe he won't this time. >> Hello, miss. >> Okay, Mark.
>> My aunt Susie has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her balloons are so big she can only fasten eight. >> Hey, class. I'm going to be asking questions about dinosaurs.
And whoever gets the answers correct gets extra credit on homework. >> Ooh, I need that. >> Which dinosaur has a really long neck?
Jeffrey, that's a bronosaurus. That's correct. Yes.
Which dinosaur is the one that flies? Vanessa, that's a pterodactyl. Correct.
>> Yay. >> Last one. Why can't T-Rex clap?
>> Me. I know. I know.
>> Okay, Mark. >> I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure because it's extinct. >> Oh, great.
>> Don't be smart with me. Principal's office. What?
>> Hey, Miss Johnson. >> Yes, Mark. >> Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation like the letter H in hour or honor?
>> We're not ignoring them. They're considered silent. >> Huh?
I'm still confused. During lunch break. >> Hey, Mark, since you're going to the cafeteria, can you heat up my lunch?
>> Okay. >> 5 minutes later. >> Here you go.
>> What happened? I told you to go heat up my food, but my food is gone. >> Oh, my bad.
I thought the H was silent. Oh, great. >> Hey class, today I want you to name something that ends with tur at the end.
T O R and that eat things. Yes, Jimmy. Alligator.
Very good. That's a big word. Ashley.
>> Predator. >> Yes, another big word. Good job.
Yes, Mark. >> Vibrator. >> Um, that's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.
>> Well, my sister has one, and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow. >> Oh, great. >> Hey, Mark.
Are you okay? >> No, teacher. What's the problem?
>> My dad's in the police station and my mom's in the hospital. >> Oh gosh. Are you all right?
Is there anything I can do to help? >> Uh, I want to go home, please. >> You want to go home?
Um, okay. You can go home. I give you permission.
>> Really? Thank you, teacher. >> Of course.
Make sure you come back when you feel better. Okay. >> Okay, I will.
Hey, teacher. >> Yes, Jessica. >> Where is Mark going?
>> Oh, he's able to leave because his mom is in the hospital and his dad is in the police station. Yeah, because his dad is a policeman and his mom is a nurse. >> What?
Mark, come back here this instant. >> I can't hear you. [Music] >> Um, hello.
You guys make sure you are reading the questions carefully. I'm seeing a lot of people mess up the short answer. I'm not going to say names.
What? But make sure you are reading the questions carefully. >> Oh, great heavens.
>> Why aren't you in school? Your mama I shall call. I am sorry teacher.
My sister is in hospital. Paulina is in hospital. Yes, I am so upset.
I am sorry for shouting and I am sorry for the threat. How many days off do you need? They say she might be here for at least 100 weeks.
I can't stop my tears. My sister might be in hospital for years. Is she dying?
Can I speak to Paulina? Yes, you can. She's right over here.
How you feeling, darling? I hope you're feeling worse. I feel pretty great since I got my first job as a nurse.
Wait a minute. And I am giving you my >> Oh, great heavens. >> Hey class, today Kaye is going to perform a song for us called I miss the friendly mailman.
Go ahead, Kaylee. [Music] >> Even when we ordered none, he says they're all real fragile and for my special. But if they are that breakable when smashing them till dawn, she must be signing up for scams on Fireox cuz they keep on talking about the junk inside her box.
Then daddy saw him walking out of mommy's room. He ran to grandma. I'll carry it full of glue.
Now someone else said the last guy went snorkeling and sleeping with the fish. Oh, great heavens.
