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Man, the very moment my stick man lips graze the tip of that sweet sweet zaza, it's wrapped for all the food in the fridge. And as soon as that THC tickles my brain, it's GG's. The food in my closet is already consumed, bro. And [ __ ] when I run out of food in the crib, I give my condolences to the local McDonald's workers, cuz man, I'm about to have those [ __ ] working overtime. Now, listen, man. And shout Out to all my big homies out there. But I'm going to make it clear real

quick that I am not one of y'all. In fact, I make sure that I am precisely 64 pixels wide at all times. However, I will say mentally and in my heart, I am a little bit of an EDP 445. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I like food. What I was trying to say is that I like food. And uh usually I can resist food, but once that devil's lettuce gets a hold of my brain, I Become a certified fat ass. I'm talking 750 pixels wide at least. I'm eating anything in sight. And

as soon as I run out of food, I go to a new site and eat everything in sight again. And honestly, this [ __ ] is becoming a problem, bro. No [ __ ] buddy. Your arteries are clogging. >> Yeah. Yeah. And your blood pressure is through the roof. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that too. >> And you're developing type 7 diabetes. >> Wo wo. Type seven? I thought there was Only two types. >> There was. until your fat ass decided to eat 87 ice cream sandwiches. How the [ __ ] do you stomach 87 ice

cream sandwiches? Anyways, man, the munchies are lit, bro, cuz it's the only time you can truly taste each individual atom as it hits your tongue. Like, eating some good food while high is like a meditation, bro. Like, when you're zooted, munching on some Doritos, and you start closing your eyes, [ __ ] you Might just [ __ ] around and become the Dorito. Now, this happens to me on a routinely basis. And as heavenly as that experience is, I must warn you, when you come out of your Dorito coma, you will be at least five

bags deep in that [ __ ] And your hands may never be the same. Man, I'm still trying to recover to this day. Yeah, my Doritos still taste like fingers, bro. And if staining my fingers orange and developing a new type of Diabetes sounds bad, my munchies addiction gets worse, bro. Because when you combine the zooted desire for food with the distorted judgment of the baked brain, [ __ ] that's the perfect equation to put me into crippling debt. Especially back in the day, because as a young, the only thing I was cooking was my

brain cells, bro. So that meant I had to buy food. And to put it into simpleton terms, well, I was broke as [ __ ] I remember one hot Sunny day, me and the boys were chilling at a carnival with some of our other boys. And one of those boys whips out his dad pen. And so, of course, everyone flocks around that dude and chiefs the [ __ ] out of his dad pen. And 15 minutes later, that [ __ ] hit. But you know what hit even harder? The goddamn munchies. And so there I

was walking around the carnival absolutely blasted with $50 to my name looking for something to eat. And don't get me wrong, the carnival had Lots of options, but they were really taxing out here. And for a dude with 50 bones to his name, I needed to find the most bang for my buck. And there I saw it. It It was beautiful. A pink ice cream truck glistening in the summer sun. So, you know, I had to hop in line. And as I'm waiting in this line, the dude in front of me turns around and he's

like, "Damn, bro. You look high as giraffe balls, dude. What? Me? Nah. Nah. What? Me? No. Hey. Hey, don't worry, Dude. I am too. Oh [ __ ] So, me and my new found homie are just chopping it up, talking about how sensational this ice cream is about to be. And soon enough, it was the homie's turn to order. Yo, dude, let let me borrow one of those cookie dough ice cream cones. All righty. Here you go. That'll be 12 bucks. $12, bro. That That's like half my net worth. Trust me, it's worth it, dude.

Yo, let me get a a cookie cookie uh Cookie cone. All right, cookies and cream. Here you go. And as I lick that thing, man, that [ __ ] was sensational as [ __ ] But as I turned around, I seen the baked homie step into a paw hole and absolutely fumble his ice cream cone. And I'm not going to lie, that was some of the saddest [ __ ] I ever seen. So I go walk over to give him some of mine. Hey man, you want some cookies and cream? Oh [ __ ] Thank

you, man. Bro, did you just drop both of our $12 ice cream cones? [ __ ] Then we were back in line like nothing ever happened. But man, waiting in that sun, my mouth was parched and my eyes were dry. And by the time we made it to the end of the line, I was looking like dried up Spongebob. Bro, hey, it's you again. Can I get the the cookie cone? The cookie cone? The cream? The one with the cream. Yeah. And at last, after dropping half my net worth on ice cream, I took a

big bite of that ice cream cone. And man, I felt every sugar granule, every atom, every proton and electron contained within that bite. And for the time being, the munchies were cured. When you link a girl and you both bring a friend, man, what could possibly be better than a twoman mission? >> Threeman mission. >> And when you go on a three-man mission, you need to be able to trust those Homies with your life, bro. Cuz I don't know why, but 100% of the time you go on a threeman mission, somebody's got to take one

for the team, bro. Like, it's just inevitable. And if your homie isn't willing to eat the [ __ ] sandwich in order to see the gang succeed, the entirety of the gang is eating the [ __ ] sandwich, bro. And on top of that, you need your homies to have your back when you crack a shitty ass joke. Cuz if you're in a group of six people and not A soul laughs, Yeah. Yeah. N you're done, bro. Like, you're cooked. You're sauteed, bro. Like, pack it up. It's over with. Like, [clears throat] yo, guys, what

do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? Oh my god. What do you get? Wait, no. Let me guess. Let me guess. Uh, no. I don't know. What do you get? Kicked out the petting zoo. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I sold. I sold. I sold. Actually, that's a really good joke. Facts. >> Wait, [laughter] it was. And lucky for me, I got the two most perfect dudes for the job. Bob and Billy. So, you know, we were no strangers to the game. Like we had 99 chemistry, bro.

We [music] were like Jordan, Pippin, and Rodman setting up these plays, passing, alley, and dunking that [ __ ] in these streets. They called us the real big three. And one day, the real big three hopped on a plane to Mexico. And this story takes place way way way back like like a month Ago. And this story doesn't just contain one threeman, not two threemans, but three different threeman missions. And with these three different chances, will me, Bob, and Billy be able to find love in Mexico, or will we get set up and kidnapped by

the cartel? Find out coming up on this episode of Billy Bob and Chains. Wait, wait a minute. So, boom. We get to Mexico and we're staying at an Airbnb. So, we start with all the essentials. We unpack, get some food, Check out the rooms, download Tinder, play some music, get settled in, you know, [ __ ] like that. And some of you may be thinking, "Damn, chains Tinder [ __ ] I I didn't know you were down bad like that." And let me just clear this up. All right, I'm not okay. I'm down horrendous. And

you really don't know me at all if you thought I was going to leave Mexico without running a threeman with the homies. So, I'm just doing what I got to do. Don't hate the player, hate The game. So, we got there on a Monday and for the first few days we're exploring. We're trying some food, going to the beaches. It's great, you know? A bunch of nice and relaxing [ __ ] But at night, it was grind time, bro. I was swiping more than a girl with daddy's money, and I was shooting more shots than

Drizzy Drake at his local middle school. So, by the time Thursday rolled around, I secured the first threeman mission of the trip. And when I told the boys, they were hyped as [ __ ] I mean, Bob was so excited, dude almost made a facial expression. So, before we went out, we had to get teed up. And lucky for us, we spent half our food budget on a few bottles of vodka. So, we're absolutely down in that [ __ ] until our Uber pulls up. We hop in the Uber and get dropped off by some

bars where we plan to meet the girls. Now, keep in mind, at this point, all I've seen of this girl is Pictures. And you know, there's a brutal catfishing epidemic going on. So, let's just say it's completely in the realm of possibility that I set up a link with three big buff Mexican dudes. And Lord knows I'm crossing my fingers like like no. No. Like, hopefully there's like no big buff Mexican. I don't I don't want the big buff Mexican dude. So, my heart dropped to my balls when I got a tap on my shoulder

and turned around to see a not so buff Mexican dude with another Not so buff Mexican dude with the three girls. Oh, hey. Hey. Oh, no. Don't worry. These are just my friends, by the way. >> Hey, yeah, what's up? And not only was I relieved that she wasn't a jack dude, but she was fine, nice, and she spoke English. Same with Bob's girl and Billy. Yeah. Nah, he had to take one for the team for sure. Hey, bro. I'm sorry, but but this is just the way the cookie Crumbled. [ __ ] bro. C,

can we get another cookie? Too late, bro. It's already crumbled. And Billy took that [ __ ] like a champ, bro. So, all eight of us go to a bar and we're just talking, getting to know each other and [ __ ] And I notice Billy just keeps the tequila shots coming. I mean, we were only 10 minutes into the conversation, but this dude is 10 shots deep at this point. And all of a sudden, this dude starts laying down that Google Translate Riz and he's Dropping hard eye emojis and [ __ ] And I'm

like, damn, respect. I I mean, he's taking this extremely well. And after about 30 minutes of talking to this girl, I look over at Billy and I start to see some wild ass emojis being thrown around like, "Oh [ __ ] Bob. Yo, I think Billy forgot he's the one taking one for the team." So me and Bob cut him off of the tequila. And then my girl is like, "Hey, do do you guys want to come over to our place?" >> Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. >> Is Is he all right? >> Yeah, he's fine.

So, we hop in their whip and go to their crib. And at this point, it's getting kind of late, so we're just chilling, listening to music and things of that nature. When me and Bob realize Billy and his girl are nowhere to be seen, so I turn to Bob and I'm like, "Yo, should we like should we stop him?" Damn, bro. You're right. We can't let him do that [ __ ] And listen, Bro, I I've never been the type of dude to [ __ ] block. But if it's the homie who's about to interlock

with a chalk chick at this o'clock, I'll walk up, knock, and lock and block that [ __ ] if I have to. And so I did just that. I walked up, knocked, of course, unlocked the door, and respectfully, I I blocked that [ __ ] Yo, what are you doing? >> Uh, I'm taking taking one for the team, remember? >> Nah, nah. I I think the team's doing Just fine, man. >> But you know me, I was I was going to do it for the team. Like for the >> I don't think the team needs

this one, gang. >> No, no, no. Remember, I'm I'm I'm supposed to be like taking it for the like this is for the [sighs] >> Yeah, you right. Let's just go home, Billy. No. Wait. Wait. How are we going to get home? We're in Mexico, man. Shut the So, we said our goodbyes, got in the Uber, and man, I felt like a basketball coach whose son just lost to a special needs team. Bro, hey, listen, bro. I had a lot of tequila tonight. I'm sorry. Yeah, I I just >> Billy Billy, I'm not mad. I'm

just disappointed. Damn, bro. I just I I And the next morning, we woke up and I'm not going to lie, we felt it a little bit, especially Billy. Billy was in physical and mental agony, but we have a secret method to get rid of any hangover Instantly. It's called vodka. So, we're practically eating this bottle for breakfast. And once everyone was healed up, we hit the beach and had a fantastic day. It was stupendous really. And once the sun started to set, we got some food and man, it was gas, bro. I had the best

nachos of my life. And as I'm consuming this orgasmic meal, I get a little notification on my phone from a new girl. Yo, you got any friends? [laughter] Oh [ __ ] And I'm like, hell Yep. Then she's like, I'm going out with some friends tonight. You guys should come. And I'm like, hell. And just like that, we secured our second threeman mission. So, we absolutely house that [ __ ] meal, go back to the crib, get ready, tea up, you know the drill. We hop in the Uber and get dropped off in the same

area where the clubs and bars are to meet these girls. And when we get there, Bob and Billy are both praying they don't got to take one for the team This time. And I'm there just chilling like, "Yo, this is why I set up the threemans, cuz then I never have to take one for the Shane. Is that you?" >> Oh. Oh [ __ ] Uh uh. Who's asking? It's me, Sarah. Oh, no way. Really? Like, like really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. You must be looking for the other chains. No, don't worry.

This happens all the time. Oh, no. No. Chain chains for real. Yeah. Look at this. This is you. Oh, [ __ ] Would you look at That? I I guess it is me. [laughter] [ __ ] Like, [ __ ] I don't know how she did it, but she got my ass, bro. I got catfished nicely. But I guess it was just my turn to take one for the team. And I look up at who she brought and she pulled up with four straight dimes for the homies to choose from. Like, bro, why me? So,

we're walking and the girl I'm temporarily associated with is like, "Hey, let's go to the club. Let's go." So, we go to this club, eight people Deep, and the girls are like, "Yeah, let's buy a bottle." >> Where's your money? K. No. Wait, wait. I I could have swore you spoke English. Oh, yeah. No, no. I'm fluent for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You said you wanted a bottle, right? >> Yes, please. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got bottle money? Ah, no. Iniendo. No iniendo. No. Ablo. And now I'm starting to get the vibe that whole time

these girls just wanted A free bottle. And as soon as I start catching on, she starts upping her game. Like, oh my god, you're so strong. Look at these muscles. So, I go to give Billy one of those side eyes. And when I look over, these [ __ ] are completely lost in the sauce. Yeah, I'm buying a bottle. Everyone bottles on me. So Billy pulls me aside like, "Yo, we got to split a bottle, bro." Nah, I'm really not [ __ ] with this girl. >> Come on, bro. Please. I need it, bro. Just

Just take one for the team. Come on. Take one for the team. All right, bro. I'll split it with you. >> Thank you, bro. >> I got you. So, are you guys getting a bottle? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're We're getting a bottle. >> Oh my god, you're so strong and you're a baller. >> Yeah. Yeah. A baller. The [ __ ] I don't know, bro. She's weird as hell. Yo, uh, Can I get a bottle for this table? Yeah, for sure. What do you want? Listen, bro. Just give me the cheapest [ __ ]

you got. Oh, I feel you, bro. Times are tough. You know, that'll be 1,100. God damn. That's a lot of pesos, bro. Pesos? Yeah, like uh 1,100. That That's a lot. That's That's a lot of pesos. Nah, Migo, that's USD plus $500 to walk it to you with a Chicago fee of $350. And for the tip, it'll uh it'll just cost you your left testicle. No, it's my favorite nut, bro. Yo, Billy, we don't got it like that. Yeah. Hell no. Let's just not get it, bro. At least these girls already [ __ ] with

us without it, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Facts. Yo, uh we're uh we're not going to get the bottle. >> A Why not? You can just You can just buy it. It's not that big a deal. >> Nah. Nah. It's uh it's cuz we uh we don't got enough money. They [ __ ] dipped, bro. Quick as hell, too. They All just evacuated, bro. No, bro. That was my wifey. And I'm just over here thinking, damn. I'm just glad I didn't have to see that [ __ ] through, bro. But Billy, yeah, he was really

going through it until he got distracted by some other random girls in the club. So, at this point, all three of us are on the dance floor absolutely [ __ ] that [ __ ] up when I start getting spammed on my phone. So, I go to check who it is, and it's the gold digger girl like, "Hey, we We all went to the club right beside it, but we we can all split this bottle. It'll be $86 per person plus tip. That'll that'll be 95 each." And she's literally telling me the whole price breakdown

of this bottle. She She pretty much just sent my ass an invoice and I'm like, "Hell no, I don't care if that [ __ ] would have been free. There is no way I'm ever going to see this girl ever again." And then I get a tap on my shoulder and it's three big buff Mexican Dudes. I'm just playing. It was the gold digger girl, but this time I I probably would have preferred the buff dudes cuz this girl grabs me by the arm, pulls me outside with all her homies, and starts breaking down the

price again. Okay, the bottle is $700, but you just got to pay $95 each. Okay, yeah, we're in. Let's do it. No, what? Billy, chill. So, I call an emergency meeting with the homies and we huddle up and I'm like, "Listen, you guys can go with them if you want, but There's no way I'm going and paying for this girl's bottle. [ __ ] that, bro. You're right. We could find something better for sure." So, we jump ship. Absolutely abort mission. Yo, what's that over there? I'm not stupid. I'm not falling for that [ __

] Nah. Is that Jeff Bezos handing out free bottles to catfishes? Wait, wait, wait. What? Where? Where? Where? So, we evacuate and start roaming the streets when I get a tap on my shoulder. I take a deep Breath, turn around, and it's the girls from the OG3, man. Like, oh my god, Chains, what are the chances? Yo, what's up? And me and Bob are hyped, but Billy's over here having traumatic anime flashbacks and [ __ ] You guys should come with us. We know the best spot here. Oh [ __ ] Bet. [ __ ]

So, they take us to this club bar thing and it's [ __ ] bumping. But as soon as we get inside, Billy disappears, bro. And I don't even blame him. He's staying as Far away from this girl as possible. Not because he's scared of what she's going to do, but because deep down he's scared of what he might do. But regardless, me and Bob continue to respectfully obliterate the dance floor for about an hour straight. And then the girls are like, "Hey, it's getting kind of late, so we're going to head out now." I bet.

I bet. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. And once me and Bob had officially decimated the dance floor beyond repair, we Realize there's an upstairs that leads to a balcony. So, of course, me and Bob go to explore that [ __ ] And as we walk out onto the balcony, we see Billy with this one girl who looks our age, who happens to have a friend [music] who also looks our age. And once again, Billy is absolutely laying down that Google Translate wrist. But this time, this time, he's really cooking. So me and Bob start talking

to her friend named Mia. I get her Instagram and then Billy's like, "All right, let's go. The Uber's here." Uber. Uber to where? Oh yeah. No, my bad. I forgot to tell you, but uh Chamilleia and me are coming back to the B&B. What the [ __ ] Don't you think we got to discuss [ __ ] like that? >> Uh nah, bro. What? All right, Uber's here. Let's go. So Billy and the girls go to the Uber, but me and Bob stay back to discuss what the actual [ __ ] is going on right

now. Yo, this is a bad idea, right? But we can't let him do this [ __ ] Alone. [sighs] [ __ ] Bob. Do we even have a choice? So, we leave the bar and start walking to the Uber when this girl stops me and she's like, "Hi, what's your name?" "Oh, I'm Chains. What's your name?" "Oh, my name's Sophia." And Sophia's trying to make some small talk and [ __ ] like that, but Billy's already waiting in the Uber, so I'm like, "Well, it was nice to meet you, but I got to go." "Oh,

well, let me Get your Instagram real quick." So, I give her my phone. She follows herself and then gives [music] me my phone back. And when I lay my eyes on the screen, I realize we have a mutual. And I'm just surprised cuz we're in Mexico, bro. So, I go to check who it is, and it's Mia. And at this moment, everything started piecing itself together to make our third threeman mission. So, I'm like, yo, you know Mia? Oh, Mia. That's like my best friend. Why word? You mean this Mia? Oh my god. Mia. So

Sophia hops in the whip and we're all just talking and then Mia says, "Yeah, so like uh we don't have work tomorrow." Oh [ __ ] Do you guys work together? >> Yeah, we do. >> Damn. What do you guys do? Oh, you know uh we dance. >> What? Uh where do you guys dance? >> Like uh like like like in the club. >> Oh [ __ ] Yeah, that's what's up. Uh uh yo yo, how old are you guys by the way? >> Uh 21 24. >> Damn. Oh, [clears throat] sorry. Uh, do you

guys happen to have any uh you guys happen to have kids by chance? >> Of course, I have two. I have a baby boy. One of them. >> Oh, [ __ ] Yo, Bob, you think it's too late to uh, you know, abort mission? And I don't know how, but none of that information seemed to phase Billy in the slightest, cuz now he's out here making out with this girl. Like, [ __ ] them kids, bro. And the whole car ride, I'm just thinking, "What the [ __ ] is going on, bro?" But soon enough,

we arrive. We all hop out of the whip, go to our B&B, put in the code for the lock box, get the key, unlock the door, and go inside. Now, for context, the crib had two couches and a master bedroom. And that bedroom is where I used to sleep. And I say used to because as soon as we got to the B&B, Billy and Camila went straight to my room and start uh Playing Patty Cake. Loud as hell, too. And so all of us are just sitting on the couch like uhas. [ __ ] And

this [ __ ] Billy was just making up for every single time he had to take one for the team. And after the longest 20 minutes of my life, Billy walks out of the room smiling from ear to ear like, "What? Why is everyone looking at me? [ __ ] you guys could hear that?" Then Billy cops the girls an Uber. They dip and I'm looking at Billy Like, "Bro, what what like what the actual [ __ ] just happened?" Hey man, listen. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. No, bro. You are crazy. And

at this point, it was probably 4:00 a.m. or something. So, I go to my room to look at where I'm supposed to sleep, and there's a bunch of looped up rappers on my bed, and I'm not talking, diddy. So, needless to say, after a long night, I slept on the couch, and we all woke up rotten, bro. So rotten, even the vodka Method wouldn't work. So, we decided if anything could make us feel better, it would be a plate of the world's best nachos. So, we get ready, leave the crib, and then Billy's like, "Yo,

who's got the key?" [ __ ] I don't got it. Bob, you got it? I mean, it's probably on the counter where we always put it, right? Yeah. Facts. We checked the counter, it's not there. We checked the tables, not there. We checked the couches, bedroom, kitchen, nowhere to be seen. So, we scavenged the entirety of the Airbnb. We even looked through every single bag of garbage and it was nowhere. Bro, did those girls finesse our key? Nah. Nah. Camila wouldn't do some [ __ ] like that. >> She would, bro. You don't even know.

How would you know? You don't know her, bro. I know her better than you know. Chill. Mia texted me. She said, "Let's go to the pool today." Oh [ __ ] Uh, Camila texted me the same thing. Damn. And in My head, I'm thinking about it and I'm putting everything together. [ __ ] Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh, I think so. These girls stole the key and invited us to the pool so the crib would be empty so they could get three big buff Mexican dudes to pull up and loot the crib. [

__ ] I knew it. Damn, she got my ass, bro. So, hell no, we didn't go to the pool with them. And for the next few days, we were on high alert. We would only leave the crib in Pairs, and one dude would stay back strapped up with kitchen knives, ready to take on three big buff Mexican dudes. Pause. Until it was Monday, the night before our flight home. So, we're packing everything, getting ready to go home, and I hear Billy shout, "Uh, chains. Yo, what's up?" Yo, guess what I got, bro? Uh, chlamyia. No,

gorrhea. What? No. Herpes? No. No. It's in my suitcase. Your suitcase got herpes. No. No. It's the key. >> How the [ __ ] >> I don't know. Halloween is the spookiest time of the year. Everywhere you look, it's vampires, killer clowns, old dudes in white vans trying to steal some children, which are all very scary things, especially killer clowns. But none of these spooky things scare me more than my worst fear. going to jail, dropping the soap, and getting my booty snatched up. Now, that's some real Spooky [ __ ] right there. And I

know some people are going to be thinking, "Oh, that's just a myth. It's a stereotype. Nobody actually gets their booty snatched up for dropping some soap." But when it comes to my booty, I don't want to [ __ ] around and I sure as hell don't want to find out. But everyone knows drinking can heavily influence your judgment. And on one specific day, my judgment was affected and I found myself [ __ ] around. And everyone knows what The chart depicts. The more you [ __ ] around, the more you find out. This story takes

place in grade 10. It was a crisp Halloween night. The houses were decorated, the leaves had fallen, and the jackos were lantern. And as me and Billy walked down to the homie Bob's crib, we could pretty much smell that Halloween spirit. And when we knocked on Bob's door, we were surprised the homie Bob didn't open the door. It was Bob the Builder. Dude was fully suited up from Head to toe. And when me and Billy seen that, we already knew we needed some costumes. So, we go to Bob's closet and come out absolutely dripping into

Mario and Luigi costumes, mustache, and everything. But now that we undeniably had that [ __ ] on, we still had yet to find something to do. But lucky for us, the night was still young, so we got to brainstorming. All right, it's Halloween, bro. We We got to do something. Yeah, let's go find a party. Bet. Let me check where they're at. Mhm. Okay. Yeah, there's no parties, bro. [ __ ] I mean, we could trick or treat. [ __ ] we might have to, bro. And just as three 15year-olds decided we would knock on

strangers doors asking for candy, our Halloween was looking grim. And not in a good way. But you know what they say, can we fix it? Yes, we can. Because Bob pulls through and sets up a goddamn threeman mission. And just like that, Halloween goes from an L to a W night. And I thought the homies and I couldn't get more hype. That is until Bob pulls out a bottle of Hennessy. And you would have thought Peach took the kids the way I was abusing that bottle. And we passed it around until we were all tipsy.

Then we started walking to Khloe's house for the little Halloween 3 man. And it was already 9:00 p.m. at this point. So we're walking through the neighborhood admiring these decorations when we see the creepiest house of them all. It was Chloe's crib. So we walk through a whole graveyard just to knock on the door and Chloe opens it looking like a whole angel. I I mean like like literally like she had the halo and the the the wings and [ __ ] So we go up to her room where her two friends Lucy and Mia

were and we sit on her bed and I'm not going to lie, [snorts] it was a little awkward, bro. I was sitting there with my Mario fit, my little mustache. Like so uh uh Chloe, why'd you choose to be an angel? Uh I Don't know. I just liked it. Uh why' you choose to be Mario? [ __ ] Uh you know, uh mama mia, am I right? [ __ ] [ __ ] Then Chloe whips out some tequila and all of a sudden we're playing drinking games and [ __ ] but honestly, I was just

trying to get drunk so it'd be like, "Haha, drink up." Oh no. All right, it's your turn. Wait, you're you're supposed to get into my cup. What the [ __ ] And after purposely selling multiple games of tequila pong, I was feeling what some Would call [sighs and gasps] completely and utterly drunk as [ __ ] And next thing I know, we're playing spin the bottle and I was up. So, I spin the bottle and it spins and spins and lands on Chloe. And in my head, I'm thinking, "Woohoo!" And just as Mario's about to

get some peaches, we hear the door open downstairs and Chloe's like, "Oh [ __ ] my parents are home. Hi." So, me and the homies run into her closet with a bottle of tequila and we can hear Her dad come into the room. >> Hey, what's going on up here? >> Oh, you know, we're we're just watching scary movies. >> All right, I'll be downstairs watching TV. Let me know if you need anything. >> Thanks, Dad. And once her dad went downstairs, we all came out of the we we exited the closet and Khloe said,

"You guys got to sneak out through the front door to just be super quiet." And so we creep down the stairs and peek around The corner and Khloe's parents are right there with a clear sight of the door. So we know what we have to do. We take a shot for good measure and then run to the door. And my drunk ass couldn't even figure out how to unlock this [ __ ] door. Hey, who is that? Uh uh uh. It's me. I'm Mario. Then we ran out that joint. And we didn't stop running until

I got a call from one of my homies named Dave. He was like, "Yo, what are you doing right now?" Oh, no. Nothing Really. Just drunk as hell running from Khloe's angry ass dad. Yo, that's what's up. Come link me and Joe at Stickman Elementary. And we had nothing else to do. So, we pull up and it's Dave, Dave's girlfriend, Joe, and Joe's girlfriend. And they got some couples costumes going, but I couldn't help but notice Dave and Joe were shyied up. What are you? If the Simpsons grew up in Chicago? Nah, I'm just Homer.

Yeah, but I mean Homer doesn't usually wear a [ __ ] ski Mask. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I just wore this cuz we graffiti the hell out of this school. What? Joe was here and Dave was too, bro. What the [ __ ] were you thinking? What? Oh, you want me to include your name, too? No. No. Hell no. And just as we become guilty by association, four cop cars come zooming down the street. Oh [ __ ] it's the cops. Run. And the cops hop out of their cars and start running at us with

flashlights. So, we head for the forest. But to get to the forest, we had to run across this longass muddy field. And in the middle of this field, there was a huge pothole. And how did I know that? Cuz I seen Marge absolutely eat [ __ ] right in front of me. And don't get me wrong, I was absolutely plastered. But as the cops got closer and closer, I could practically see myself getting caught and dropping the soap. And you know, I wasn't going to let that happen. And so with all that adrenaline, I Mario

Jumped that [ __ ] pothole and hauled ass into the forest. And right when you get into the forest, there was this deep creek with a log going across it. But when I look back, I see the cop's flashlight getting brighter and brighter. So I say, "Fuck it." And take a run at this log. I got a good two steps and then my drunk ass slips. Boom. Right into the muddy creek. But I don't have time to give a single [ __ ] So I run through this waist high muddy water And then we regroup

and check who made it. I see Bob, Joe, Dave, and Dave's girl. Yo, where the [ __ ] is Billy? No. Where's my girlfriend, bro? Oh, she ain't [ __ ] A few yards back. Whoa, wait, wait. What? Is she okay? Did she get >> Wait, Shut up. Billy's calling. Yo, where are you? I I'm hiding behind a tree right now in the middle of the field. The the cops are looking for me. I bet we're coming. I got to go. [ __ ] No, bro. If you go, you're going to get caught. Listen, bro.

I have to. He He's the Luigi to my Mario. So, I go back in to save Billy, and my main man Bob comes with me. So, we get to the edge of the forest and see Billy absolutely [ __ ] his pants trying to hide from these cops, but they keep getting closer and closer. So, Bob turns on his flashlight and both cops look at him. >> He's right there. >> Get over here. >> And while the cops were looking for Bob, me and Billy both run for the street and we ran and ran. But

once we were at least five blocks away, we text Bob like, "Bro, we both made it. Are you good?" And Bob's like, "So Bob makes it out of the forest and we all link up." up and we take a moment to appreciate the fact that none of us went to jail. And more importantly, none of us got our booty snatched up. And after our moment of appreciation, we were like, "Yo, Maybe we should have just went trick-or-treating." Yeah, bro. Some Reese's Pieces would hit right now. I mean, it's not too late to buy some candy.

So, we all go to the store and cop the biggest packs of candy we could find. Then, we walked back to Bob's crib and enjoyed the rest of our night while [ __ ] up some Halloween candy. First dates have the potential to be magical, fantastical, romantical, a night you will never forget. But they Also got the potential to be straight booty. I mean, first dates are just a gamble, bro. Especially if it's from a dating app. Like, you could show up to your first date with a 5'4 blonde Tinder girl and end up finding

out she's 59 and she's brunette and she's a dude. I mean, first dates from dating apps is kind of like buying one of those Spongebob popsicles from an ice cream truck. Like, you know, it's not going to look the same as the advertisement, but The question is, how [ __ ] up can it really be? And let me just say extremely [ __ ] up. I'm talking massive buck teeth, eyes crossed with a bite taken out of it. And I'm not talking about the popsicles. And these are the exact reasons my very first date was

not from Tinder. also because I was in grade 7 and uh that that would be illegal. And when I was in grade 7, I was 12 as as most grade sevens were. And for whatever reason, me and my homies loved going to The mall after school, which was weird cuz we had no money. So after another successful day of walking around and being too broke to buy anything, we walked back to the bus terminal by the mall. And as we walked up to our bus stop, we see these two girls waiting there. And the closer

we got, the more familiar these girls started looking until we realized one of them was in our class. And so we walk up to them like, "Yo, are you Kate?" "Oh [ __ ] Billy Bob And Chains. What's up?" "Oh, nothing much. How are you guys doing?" "Oh, I'm good. Uh this is Jessica. She's new to our school. Uh hi. What's up? Hello, Jessica. What What brings you guys to the mall?" "Oh, nothing much. Just uh just walking around and not buying anything cuz we don't have any money." Yo, us too. And so we all

get on the bus and we're just talking and [ __ ] for a good 20 minutes until my stuff comes up. So I'll pull the thingy, but before I Get off the bus, I asked Jessica, "Yo, Jessica, uh, do you Snapchat by any chance?" "Yeah, yeah, I do. Let me add you. What's your Snap name?" And I remember I had some shitty ass username like, "Oh [ __ ] it's um MLG pronoscoper Illuminati confirmed." >> [ __ ] get the [ __ ] off the bus. >> Uh, sorry, one second, please. Um, where was I?

MLG Prooscoper Illuminati confirmed. And when I got home, I went on Snapchat, accepted a request, and we Started talking. And we snapped all night to the point I was smiling, kicking my feet in the air and [ __ ] >> Yo, I'm [music] coming in. >> No, no, no. Wait, wait, don't, don't. I'm uh I'm beating my meat. Wait, [ __ ] Yo, what boy has you smiling like that? Boy, it's a girl, man. Shut the [ __ ] up. Oh. Oh, [ __ ] You're serious? Well, wait. So, the whole time you're watching Powerpuff

Girl, it just had a good plot. Okay, bro. Okay, so this is what you got To know. and my brother started running me through the dos and don'ts of being in a talking stage. All right, listen. Don't text her too much, but don't text her too little. Don't talk to too many other girls. Yep. Nope. That that won't be a problem right there. Yep. I know, buddy. And uh you also got to talk to her at school. So, the next day at lunch, Bob, Billy, and I walk over to Jessica and her two friends, and

we start talking again, and we make plans To go to the mall together. And boom, all of a sudden, we started forming a little friend group. It was me, Bob, and Billy with Jessica, Kate, and Nikki. And we start hanging out damn near every day, hitting the mall, buying nothing, going to Nikki's house, doing nothing. But we had fun. And so, inevitably, Bob and Kate start having a thing. Billy and Nikki start having a thing. And that just left me and Jessica. And so, one late night, we're on Snapchat with my Feet kicking in the

air faster than ever. And Jessica hits me with a, "So, I've been thinking, well, uh, I I like you. I like you back." So, and I typed up, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" I [ __ ] threw my phone across the room. nervous as hell. I get the notification and when I go to check what she said, she was like, "Yes, I do and call me Josh Giddy the way I just bagged this 12-year-old." But the next day at school when me, Billy, and Bob walk up to our Girlfriends, I started getting all

nervous and [ __ ] There was something about the title of being a boyfriend that just had me [ __ ] bricks, bro. It was like, "Hey, Chains, how are you?" "Oh, you know, I'm good." "Oh, yeah. Uh how are you?" "Oh, I'm good." >> [sighs] >> But now that all three of the boys had acquired girlfriends, Billy was like, "Hey, why don't we all see a movie this weekend?" Like, like, "It'll be a triple Date." That's a great idea. >> Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. It's a date. Uh, triple date. Yeah. [ __ ]

Yeah. And by the time the weekend rolled around, I was still terrified of the fact that I was going on a date. And to be honest, I was also scared of the movie, bro. We came to watch It, which as a 12-year-old sounded like straight nightmare fuel, bro. But nonetheless, me, Bob, and Billy hop on the bus, and arrive at the movie theater fashionably Late. And so when we walk through the doors, there was our three low girlfriends excited for our first dates. So we all walk up, hug, and then go to get our tickets.

And I dropped my entire life savings on her ticket and then go into debt for mine. But nonetheless, we head to the theater. Wait, should we get popcorn? Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, man. Uh, how much is a large popcorn? Uh, large popcorn. That'll be $10. Damn. What happened? Are Are you okay? Yeah. I Just realized they ran out of popcorn. Are Are you [ __ ] stupid? >> Yeah. No, don't worry. Thank you, man. It's no problem. Have a good day. And we got to our seats and sat down and the movie began. And

as the movie progressed, I realized it wasn't even too scary. But about 20 minutes deep, I get a tap on my shoulder from Bob and he gestures to me the fact that him and Kate are holding hands and I look over to Billy and Nikki and they're all Cuddled up and [ __ ] which meant I had to make a move, bro, which inconveniently made my hand start sweating bullets. So now I was in a position where I couldn't just grab her hand while my [ __ ] was sweaty as hell, cuz then she'd think

I'm weird. But then I also couldn't just sit there and do nothing the whole time cuz then she'd also think I'm weird. So, I just started doing the only thing I could think of, which was blowing on my hand like some Hot soup. And believe it or not, made me look [ __ ] weird. But at least my hand was dry. So, I go and hold her hand. But when I do, I make a grave mistake. A a tactical error, bro. When I held her hand, my hand was on top and hers was underneath against

the armrest. And my dumb ass was scared I was going to crush her arm or some [ __ ] And I don't know where I got the idea that I even could crush her arm from, bro. cuz those 12-year-old stickman arms couldn't crush A [ __ ] pretzel if they tried. But for whatever reason, I decided my best option would be to hover my arm slightly above hers so my one lb arm couldn't come down and [ __ ] demolish her forearm. And you know, this was cool for about 60 seconds until I started feeling

the burn, which started hurting so bad that I forgot I was even watching a movie. I was just 100% focused on thugging this [ __ ] out. And about an hour into the movie, I was just [ __ ] Shaking relentlessly. I mean, at this point, it wasn't even about not having this girl think I was weird, cuz Lord knows it was too late for that [ __ ] But now, it was about proving to myself that I could finish the movie this way. And sure enough, I did. But at what cost? Wow. You You

were so scared. You were shaking. Huh? No, [sighs] I I wasn't scared at all, actually. Oh my god. Are you sweating? No. So, you know, looking back, it Wasn't my best performance. You know what I'm saying? But with that being said, after that triple date, Billy's girlfriend Nikki ended up breaking up with him and gave up on dating dudes as a whole. So, I mean, it could always be worse, bro. A Can I pet your dog? Yeah, for sure. A What's your name, little guy? His name's Ben. >> Ben. >> A He's so cute. I

just I I just want to I I just want to punt that [ __ ] Man, these intrusive thoughts I be having make me wonder whether I belong in maximum security prison [music] or not. Like, I don't even mean to. But the thoughts that pop into my head are so menacing that I can't even say this [ __ ] on YouTube or this video will get taken down. Then I'll be cancelled. Then my whole channel will get deleted. Then I'll be thrown into a psych ward. And then I'll be put on the [ __ ]

death Penalty. Like these thoughts that pop into my head are so alarming that they make me want to beat my own ass, bro. Hey, man. Uh, why'd you just sock yourself in the face? Oh, well. Well, we see. I was about to push that unsuspecting toddler into the deep end for no apparent reason. So, yo, this guy's about to assault a minor. >> Hey, you can't do that. >> But it's not like every single intrusive thought I have is bad enough to get me Convicted. Like whenever I'm walking across a bridge, I have to use

every cell in my body to fight the urge of just tossing my phone into the water. Like there is literally no benefit from doing that [ __ ] But there's just something inside of me that would feel so much satisfaction with just seeing my phone dissipate into the water. You know, maybe you get that urge because it would just be satisfying to do some [ __ ] that's out of the box. Some [ __ ] that Nobody else would do just to just to break the simulation a little bit cuz I could be having the

best day of my life. I could wake up, get the meanest pumping, hop in the shower, eat the most fire breakfast, and draw the most pristine stickman I've ever drawn. But as I'm casually walking beside a bunch of cars that are going 65 m an hour, I'm still going to have the urge to just throw myself in front of a car, bro. And it's not even on some emo [ __ ] Like, I Want to live, but I also want to dive into some oncoming traffic. But at least I'm not the only one who does

this. like you like other people do this, right? Like it's normal, right? But half the time, an intrusive thought will just be to do some goofy [ __ ] Like you're just forced to imagine the consequences of what it would look like to start throwing it back on a Tuesday at 2:41 p.m. And every once in a while, you'll just be chilling and you'll witness a [ __ ] fall to the intrusive urges. Get off the table, bro. [ __ ] He let the intrusive thoughts win, man. Now, I don't even know if these count

as intrusive thoughts or not, but as a dude, when I'm walking down the street, I'll just be going on with my day, chilling. Then all of a sudden, I see a car and I'm like, if I don't make it to that tree before this car, I'm going to die. A [ __ ] Honestly, these kinds of Intrusive thoughts are are kind of motivating. Like, it's the same thing as having a hype man at the gym, except instead of that positive reinforcement, if you don't get those three extra reps, you're going to die. It's like whenever

I'm at the gym hitting those Bulgarian split squats. I be having mental wars with myself. That was a good set, man. I think we're done. Five more reps or you're a [ __ ] Damn. Good [ __ ] All right, I think we could wrap it up. 10 More, [ __ ] Who the [ __ ] going to carry the boats? >> I told you we should have stopped, bro. 15 more or you like dick? Now that I think about it, there's a good amount of people in prison right now who just succumb to their

intrusive thoughts. Cuz intrusive thoughts are just like that demon on your shoulder telling you to do the most devious [ __ ] possible. And I know there's a bunch of [ __ ] out there who just listen to that little Guy. Hey man, you see that lovely old lady right there? Yeah. Yeah, you're going to hit her with a mean right hook. Well, well, what's in it for me? Nothing. [ __ ] All right. But to be honest, there is a handful of times where I've let the intrusive thoughts take over. One of the most

memorable was way back when I was 5 years old. Me and my older brother were just [ __ ] around doing some 5-year-old [ __ ] Keep in mind, this Story takes place before your boy had even developed consciousness. So, I was just a little munchkin doing munchkin [ __ ] Then, suddenly, this urge came over me. It It was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. It It was dark, irresistible, and for no apparent reason, I bit my brother's arm. And this was probably the most satisfied I'd ever felt in my entire life. But it

was followed by shame and regret because I had no excuse. Ow. What? Why the [ __ ] Did your dumb ass just bite me, bro? Um I I felt like it. And one of my lowest IQ moments of all time took place when I was in grade eight. It was godamn sewing class, bro. And I remember I was having a particularly miserable day. So I was just going through the motions. We were all gathered around this big table with our sewing machines, some fabric, and some scissors. I remember I was working on some shitty little

big chungus stuffy. But on this particular Day, the sewing machine cable was looking was looking mad thick and juicy. And like I said, I was having a bad day, which is exactly why the intrusive thoughts decided to catch me at my worst. [music] Do it. What? To do what? Oh, you know what to do. You're the one with the scissors in your hand, buddy. How did these even get in my hand now? Cut it. Cut it, chains. No. Why the [ __ ] would I? The wire exploded with smoke and my Heart dropped so fast,

bro. And everyone around the table just stares me down. And I'm thinking I can somehow cover this [ __ ] up. Like I didn't just take some [ __ ] scissors and snip that [ __ ] like an umbilical cord. Maybe I could convince the teacher the cord snipped itself or some [ __ ] But as I look down at the scissors in my hand, there's literally a chunk missing from the scissors. They look like they survived World War II, but barely. The scissors Are all charred up and [ __ ] And just like that,

my plan of convincing her I didn't cut it went out the [ __ ] window. You take one look at the cord, one look at the scissors, and one look at my dumbass face, and you could piece together exactly what happened. So, my sewing teacher walks over looking pissed as hell, and she tells me to go sit in the corner. So, I take my charred scissors and sit in the corner like I'm a 5-year-old. But to be fair, I made a 5-year-old decision. Like, I was in grade eight. I was 14, bro. What kind of

14-year-old cuts the cord to a sewing machine cuz he felt like it? Like if my 14-year-old son did some [ __ ] like that, I would tell the kid I'm going to get some milk and I'm calling it quits. I would have to have another kid and try it all over again cuz that kid is going nowhere in life, man. So, as I'm sitting in the corner realizing I'm a disappointment, it was one of those Moments where you [ __ ] up so bad you don't even feel any emotions. I was just sitting there straightfaced

like, "Well, [ __ ] me." It was really one of those moments where you just you you just want to stop existing. So after the class ended, the teacher came over to me and she said, "Chains, why the [ __ ] did you cut the cord of the sewing machine?" "No, Miss Sewing, you got to hear me out." Okay, this better be good. Chains Looking mad juicy and the scissors just teleported into my hands. I I don't even know you did what? Ah! Mom, it was the intrusive thoughts that that they told me to do.

I'm about to intrude that ass. >> The [ __ ] >> Yo, I just got robbed by a gay homeless dude in Japan. Who's with me? You know, like anyone. Yo, anyone? Yo. Yo. Yo, is this not relatable? >> No [ __ ] way, bro. >> How the [ __ ] does that even happen? What Are you going to do? >> Not again, bro. Now, I'm not going to lie. Japan is one of the safest countries in the entire world. And apparently, there's only 3,65 homeless [ __ ] in the entire country. So, in order

to get robbed by a homeless dude in Japan, you either need to be unlucky as [ __ ] or just a complete dumbass. But way back when this story took place, I was a certified [ __ ] Bro, at the time I had the critical Thinking skills of a newly born chimpanzee mixed with the spatial awareness of a [ __ ] of a [ __ ] Joe Biden on top of the decision-making skills of Joe Biden's son. So, with [snorts] that being said, this story takes place way way way back a few weeks ago when

me, Bob, and Billy huffed on a flight to Tokyo. And as soon as we arrived in the city, we started absorbing all that food, bro. sushi, ramen, [ __ ] cow testicles, you name It, we ate it. And after an entire week of decimating every last crumb of food in Tokyo, we thought, "Well, that was fun. I guess it's time to go home." Yeah, I guess so. And as we're ready to pack it up, we overhear a few people talking. >> Oh, hey, uh, Konichiwa, we we come from the United States of America. Um, how

do we go to Osaka? >> Yeah, man. Uh, Osaka has some of the best food in Japan. Just [music] just Take this train right here and you're there. >> Wow, you're English. Very good. >> I'm from Washington, [ __ ] >> Oh, I see. I see. Uh, Washington deep sheet. Is that Chinese or >> Holy [ __ ] Did you hear that? >> Yeah. Yeah. No, that guy's [ __ ] clueless. No, no, no. I'm talking about Osaka. Apparently, the food's even better over there. Oh [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. But uh, don't you think

we had enough Food already? I mean, [ __ ] we are in Japan. [ __ ] it, bro. Let's go. So, we hopped on the train and got off in Osaka. And like the certified fat asses me and the boys are, we were looking around for some food. And the moment we seen all you can eat Wagu beef for just 30 bones, we all knew what had to happen. We walked in that [ __ ] and wasted no time. We were running through that meat like Tiana Trump in her prime. Cuz sometimes we were burning

the meat, Sometimes we were taking it raw. But at the end of the day, the meat filled us up and made us happy. So we thanked the owner, left the shop, and headed [music] back to our hotel. And man, I was full as hell for for like an hour and then I was like, "Yo, who's trying to get some more food?" The [ __ ] bro? Bro, we just ate a whole goddamn cow. Yeah, we did. Like, we probably just canceled out the life work of five vegans in one sitting type [ __ ] And

it's already like 8:00 P.m., bro. It's dark as hell. Well, I'm going to go out anyways. You know why? Why? Cuz we in Japan, man. Get your fat ass out this goddamn hotel. So, I got my fat ass out the goddamn hotel and started walking around. And all I took with me was my phone, the key to the hotel, about $100 worth of yen, and a smile on my face, knowing I had never in my life been robbed by a gay homeless dude in Japan. But little did I know, all that was about to change

on this Wild ass Friday night. Now, if there's one thing I learned about Japan is that everyone there is very kind, extremely polite, and a raging alcoholic. I'm talking they clock out of work at 6:00 p.m. and they clock into the bar at 6:02 and they don't leave until I mean [ __ ] they don't leave until it's time to go back to work, bro. Cuz the Japanese people work hard, but their liver works harder. But regardless, I'm casually walking through the city when I hear Someone yell from across the street. >> So, naturally, I'm

like, "Yo." And they're like, >> "Come here." >> And I'm like, "Shit." Okay. So I walk across the street and see three individuals posted outside this little bar shop thing like >> yo I'm this is twin sister Shiggo. >> Hey it's my first day working here. Come inside. Come inside. [ __ ] I don't know. I'm just trying to get some food Somewhere tonight in Osaka. I don't know if it's like >> you want Osaka [ __ ] night food. >> Yeah. I mean I guess I want Osaka [ __ ] night food. >> Reads

a sign. >> Osaka [ __ ] night food. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. [ __ ] I mean >> you know what? Come get shots. I take [ __ ] We in Japan. So they take me inside and everyone there is just happy as [ __ ] They got Rihanna playing on the Speakers, dudes bringing out shots and the chef was turning up so hard. Dude started twerking and damn that boy was cooking. Bro, what should I mean? Like he was cooking with the the food. Like man, [ __ ] But the vibes were

just so good and inviting that I felt like I just got welcomed into this Japanese family. And so we all cheers and take the shots. And now I'm drinking. And I'm drinking with only one goal in mind, and that's to keep up with my newly found Japanese family. And so to prepare my stomach, I get me some Osaka [ __ ] night food. And it was scrumptious. But as I'm slurping up this kebab, I see Emmy come back with three more shots. And she's like, "You want one?" [ __ ] we in Japan. So we

take the shots and I'm talking to Emmy and one way or another, we start talking about our alcohol tolerance. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. It takes a lot for me to get drunk. Not as much as me. Wo, is that a bet? Yeah, It is, [ __ ] So, we're drinking everything in sight. Vodka, soju, sake, tequila. It's a competition. Now, I made the bet in the first place cuz I'm twice her size. But one thing I forgot to account for was the fact her entire lineage had been training generations for this very moment.

So, she's taking these shots to the face like, well, [ __ ] like Tiana Trump in her prime, and I'm going shot for shot with her. And after taking about eight shots, I was Feeling it, bro. Yo, let's go play darts. Uh, I mean, I never really played darts in my life, but [ __ ] we in Japan. So, we pull up to a darts bar, just me, Emmy, and Uto. And I had never played darts a day in my life. But you ever just try some [ __ ] and you're just inherently good at

it? Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. That [ __ ] was not me, bro. I was dog [ __ ] I was out there looking like I was drunk as hell. I was drunk as hell. Cuz in order to Play, each person had to buy a soju. So now I'm about 12 shots deep, throwing darts, trying to hit a circle the size of a P while this little Japanese girl's pushing me and [ __ ] Cuz to her, this was a game. To me, this was survival. Cuz every time you lose, you got to take a shot.

And if I keep taking shots like this, these shots about to start taking me, bro. And sure as hell, I lost the first game. I took my shot and Emy's like, "How drunk are you right now?" And I can't let her know I'm losing this bet. So I'm in that [ __ ] like, "Drunk? Nah, no. No [ __ ] Where I'm from, we brush our teeth with a bottle of Jack. Ah, okay. Then, uh, then loser takes two shots. Yeah, let's do it. [laughter] So, one thing leads [music] to another. Now, I'm 16 shots

deep. And Emy's like, I'm going to go to the washroom. I I'll be right back. And then Yuto is like, >> yo, chains, we must talk. >> Oh [ __ ] Yeah. What's up? Now, Uto had a Strong accent and very limited English. So it really went some like >> Amy bomber. >> Huh? >> Amy have bomb. >> Yo, you told I don't speak Japanese, dog. >> No. Amy, use bomber. Swipe left, swipe right. Bumble. >> Oh [ __ ] Amy uses bumble. Okay. Okay. >> Yes. And she text the bumble guy. Come here. >>

Oh, hell no, bro. I'mma have to abort mission. >> Me, too. >> You, too. >> Hi, Emmy to you, daddy. [ __ ] Emmy. >> Oh, [ __ ] Facts. Let's dip. So, we sneak away to the elevator and we're spamming the up button trying to leave and this [ __ ] is just not coming, bro. So, we both peek around the corner to see if she's coming and she notices us. Oh [ __ ] guys. We're leaving. Yeah, we are. We are leaving. [ __ ] So, we all get in the elevator and Uto

whispers in my ear like, "When the elevator open, we run." And I'm drunk as [ __ ] but I was the fastest kid in my elementary school. So, as soon as the doors open, we hauled ass, bro. And I just kept running till Uto was like, >> "Stop. We go to bar." >> And I'm just having a great time existing at this point. So I walk into this bar all drunk like, "Where the hoes At?" Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Uh, where the where the bros at? >> Uto took me to a

gay bar, bro. Now, of course, there's nothing wrong with a gay bar, but it was the fact that after drinking 16 shots, I just sprinted full speed away from a cute Japanese girl to run straight into a room filled with a bunch of sweaty gay dudes. And these [ __ ] were looking at me like I'm some fresh meat or some [ __ ] And it really just had me questioning my entire Life. I was in that [ __ ] confused, frustrated, drunk as hell, ready to crash out. I was going to leave that bar

looking like I was like like a like a fruit explosion. >> No, no, Sebastian. What the wrong video? What the [ __ ] Oh, hey. Hey, is that Diddy? So, you're trying to see a fruit explosion, huh? >> So, I left the gay bar, called up Emmy, we link back up, and the first thing she says to me is, "Fuck you. [ __ ] me. What? No. [ __ ] you. Why'd you run from me, bro? You were inviting Bumble dudes and shit." What? No. What? What are you even talking about? I mean, you said

like, "You know what? Don't even worry about it." Uh, okay. Well, let's go to the club. And I'm like, "Shit, we in Japan." >> [music] >> So, we're at the club doing club [ __ ] And after an hour or so, she's like, "Let's take some shots." And I'm like, "Shit, we in Japan." I am black out Drunk, bro. I don't even know how many shots deep I am at this point, but all I know is I'm so drunk I gain the ability to [ __ ] teleport. So, I'm in the club and as soon

as I blink, I'm in a bar. Then I'm in a club, back to a bar, to a new club. McDonald's bar, karaoke club, bar, love hotel, love hotel. The man, what? What the what, man? What the [ __ ] You said you wanted to sleep. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. No, I probably said some [ __ ] like that. I don't [ __ ] know. So, we walk into our room and the very first thing I notice, the hub on the TV, vibration devices on the bed, protection everywhere. Shorty just lured me to the Japanese freak chamber,

bro. I blink and we teleport to the bed. But we were just talking like, >> "Yo, UTO said you were inviting dudes from Bumble." >> Oh my god. Okay. U's a liar. Listen. Listen. I I got to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone. Yeah. Nah. Yeah. Yeah. Nah, I won't tell a soul. You know, I will not post this on YouTube, clip it up, post it on Tik Tok, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram reals, or anything like that, you know? Like, Yeah. That'd be that'd be weird. Uh, okay. Um, okay. Uh, so Uto's homeless. Wait,

wait, what? Yeah, like he he just goes to the gay bar and then goes back to a dude's house and sleeps there. Damn. Oh, man. I didn't even know. And then he steals their money. Wait, wait, Wait. He what? Yeah, he he just steals their money. Uh, wait. But it's just the gay dudes, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's mostly just the gay dudes. I check my pockets, the money's gone. [ __ ] You said it's only the gay dudes. Yeah. No, he he just steals from the gay dudes. [ __ ] I want to go

home, bro. So, I leave the love hotel and at this point the sun is coming up and I'm still drunk as hell, walking like a zombie. I pull out my phone to go use Google Maps and That [ __ ] dies, bro. So, now it's just me and my last few brain [music] cells trying to make it to my hotel before I pass out. And I'm stepping over Japanese [ __ ] blackout drunk sleeping on the [music] sidewalks thinking I can't end up like them. But honestly, I have no clue where I am, no clue

where the hotel is, and no clue what time it is. And after what felt like hours of aimlessly walking around, I blinked and I fell asleep, bro. And when I woke up, I was in my bed. I genuinely don't know how, who, what, when, or why, but [ __ ] I wasn't complaining. But by the time I got out of bed, it was 6:00 p.m. And I didn't remember [ __ ] I had to go through my camera roll and piece everything together like the hangover. But at least that Friday night, I learned a very

valuable lesson. Don't try to outdrink the Japanese [ __ ] bro. you'll lose every time. There's a lot of things in life that I don't really understand, but if there's one thing I can truly comprehend, it's being grounded. Because in my time, I've served a total of 547 days and 16 hours in the slammer. And through a year and a half of extensive firthand research, I've come to the professional conclusion that getting grounded is straight ass. Bro, you're locked in your room with no phone, no computer. Like, what do you want me to do? Think

about my actions? Hell no. Being grounded. Had a young me doing the stupidest [ __ ] ever, bro. Like, I was popping handstands, hitting my head against the wall, playing with the doors stopper thingy. [ __ ] I got so bored. I even read a few pages of a book like an absolute nerd. And now that I think about it, Percy Jackson and the Battle of the Labyrinth was actually a spectacular read. Now listen, there's only one thing worse than being grounded, and that's being falsely Imprisoned for life. Well, now that I think about it,

there's a lot of things worse than being grounded, but but one of which is being grounded during summer. Bro, there's something about being able to hear all the happy children, the ice cream trucks, your homies having fun, the hoes throwing rocks at your window asking you to come outside. Will you just cry yourself to sleep? Because there never was any hoes throwing rocks at your Window asking you to come outside. It's just you, your Percy Jackson books, some used toilet paper, and the existential thoughts in your head questioning if it's even worth it. And listen,

I'm sure everyone can pick up on the fact that I'm a really intelligent dude. Smart all around, really. But trust me when I say, I wasn't always this smart, bro. In fact, in kindergarten, my dumbass fully believed with my whole heart that being grounded meant your parents would just Dig a decent-sized hole in your backyard, toss you in, and bury you alive for the time being. And so, I'm sure you could imagine my surprise when my OG friend of five days said, "Yeah, I got grounded for two whole weeks. Holy [ __ ] [ __

] balls, dude. Are you okay?" No, man. It's really hard. I I didn't get to touch any of my toys or anything. Damn. How long ago was that, man? Oh, I'm still grounded. What? No, you're not. Yeah, dude. I'm grounded right now. No the [ __ ] you're not. And I wouldn't truly find out what being grounded was until 7 years later. I was in grade 7. It was a beautiful sunny summer day at approximately 11 a.m. And me and the boys were freely roaming our city. Little did I know, we wouldn't be free for

long. And as the boys and I roam the city looking for a move, one of Bob's girls calls him up and is like, "Okay, so my friend Becky is in Hawaii for a few days with her family and she said I Could bring you over." And just like that, Bob could have wrapped it up and claimed some cheeks, but the boy Bob was never one to leave the homies behind. So, not only did he convince his girl to let us come, but he went above and beyond. He got his girl to bring some of her

friends over, too. And now we're hyped because we had now located the move. been quite a marvelous move if I do say so myself. Now, keep in mind, all of us knew Becky and had been to Becky's House many times before, but Becky was all the way in Hawaii, so she had no clue about the marvelous move about to take place at her own crib. But regardless, me and the homies walk into Becky's crib and they low-key got a little get together in the works. I see Bob's girl, I see Bob's girl's friends, and then

I see a mutual friend of mine named Dennis and he brought his girl. Now, a little backstory about Dennis. Dennis was 2 years older than me, making Him in high school. And to be fair, from grade 7 to high school is a colossal difference. Dennis was taller, had a more developed frame, and Dennis even had some facial hair in progress. The amount of facial hair that put my peach fuzz to shame. And to put it quite simply, Dennis was a menace. But regardless, that's my homiey's homie. So, I walk up and dap him up. And

then everyone heads over to Becky's room. Now, keep in mind, Becky had simply Invited Bob and Bob's girl to come over, and somehow we ended up being eight people deep in that joint. And so, that means technically the other six of us were straight trespassing. So, we were all chilling in Becky's room, chopping it up for a good hour and a half until eventually people start exploring her house. Now, in Becky's room, it was just me, Bob, Bob's girl, and Bob's girl's friend named Lily. And so we're all just talking until I hear someone yell

from The room down the hall, >> "Yo, Chains, get in here right now." >> And I don't know exactly what I was expecting to see as I walked into that bathroom, but it was absolutely not seeing Dennis drop a condom filled with water on Billy's head. And of course, I laugh because that's that's comedy gold right there. But it also made me realize maybe we shouldn't be here dropping condoms on each other's heads. But who was [snorts] I to tell Dennis what to Do? He had facial hair, so he was practically a grown man to

my standards. So, I just turned around, went back to the room, and continued chilling with Bob. And as we talked, the music progressively got louder, and Dennis progressively became more of a menace. And it had got to the point where the speakers were booming and Dennis was lobbing condom water balloons off Becky's balcony. And then one time, Dennis either almost hit or just missed Becky's neighbor with one of these condom water balloons. So, this grown man looks down at a condom that seems to have fell from the heavens. Then he looks up and sees Dennis

scrambling inside the Becky's crib with the speakers blasting music. And then he continued on his way. And we were all just having a fantastic time in Becky's room until we hear the downstairs door swing open. And we all absolutely [ __ ] our pants and run onto the balcony. >> Hey, I just texted the family who lives here and they said no one is supposed to be in the house. Everyone needs to leave right now or I'm calling the cops. And that's exactly what we did. No messing around. We were out that hoe. And we

all went to Bob's girl's house for an emergency meeting cuz we were all scared as [ __ ] And now Bob's girl and Becky are texting and Becky's like, "My parents are pissed. [music] They want to talk to everyone's parents and they know How many people were there." So we all devise a foolproof plan. Okay. We give Becky our phone numbers, tell it's our parents' phone numbers, and we act super disappointed in our children. We all agreed on this plan and the emergency meeting was dismissed. And over the next few days, we all got texts

from a very unhappy Becky's father who made sure to specify the amount of condoms that were found in the bathtub. We all respond with some [ __ ] along the lines of, "Hello, Mr. Beckerson. I'm very sorry to hear about the inconsiderate acts of Chains and how he's invaded your home." Rest assured, Chains will feel the wrath of this thick leather belt as it repeatedly beats against his cheeks to discipline him for his heinous actions. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. But come to find out, Lily's dumb ass responded with some [ __

] like, "Dear Mr. Beckerson, thank you for letting me know, but Lily did nothing Wrong as she didn't know she wasn't allowed there. Plus, she didn't even make a mess or anything on God. Put some respect on my daughter's name. Period." And just like that, our foolproof plan got [ __ ] And Becky's father texted each of us saying, >> "You are coming to the house at 3:15 p.m. today or I'm calling the cops." >> And [ __ ] looking back, Becky's father was most definitely bluffing. Like, say I didn't go. What was he going

to tell The cops? 911, what's your emergency? Hey, uh, there there was eight kids who invaded my home 3 days ago. Okay, sir. Did they break in? No. Uh, well, no. No, no. My my daughter my daughter gave them the key. Sir, why the [ __ ] are you calling 911? >> There was condoms in the bathtub. But like I said, I wasn't very smart and I didn't have the brain capacity to think that far ahead. So, everyone shows up to the house and Becky's father sits us Down and makes each of us individually call

our parents and explain what we had done. And I went first. Hey, Mom. Uh, so I went to Becky's house the other day, but she was in Hawaii and I I wasn't really invited. There there was condoms in the bathtub. >> Needless to say, we all got our [ __ ] whooped. And I received my very first grounding with a sentence of one month in the slammer. Listen, bro. In this world, there's Levels to clout. You could get yourself some Instagram followers. You could stack up a few bands. You could even be famous. But there's

only one spot in life that is superior to the rest. A spa so glorious and sought after that they are idolized like no other. >> It's me. I've got the infinite money glitch. >> Come on, Jimmy. You know it's me. I need a max win. >> Man, shut the [ __ ] up, Drizzy. I'm Literally Kanye West. >> Nah, but I'm the top G. >> All right, little bro. Let's go band for band. [music] Then it's me. >> But but I'm the fastest kid in my school. Bro, I don't know who decided speed would be

the deciding factor for who's the king of the school, but all I'mma say is that motherfucker's the goat, bro, because I was the fastest kid in my school. I was clapping everyone in Races. I was breaking track records and I had all the 9-year-old baddies, man. I wish I could still pull like that. All right, it's just a miscommunication, you know? Like, when I say 9-year-old baddies, I didn't mean like >> Explain it to the judge, buddy. Sick [ __ ] And because I peaked in elementary school, come with me and we'll take a look

back at some of the first years of our lives and maybe some of the best. Am I right? [sighs and gasps] [snorts] Kindergarten. Coming into kindergarten, kids were either excited or terrified as [ __ ] for their first day. I mean, I would be pretty [ __ ] pissed, too, if I knew this was the beginning of me being locked up every day for 13 years. But kindergarten was funny as hell because these kids had no clue what was right and wrong. So, they'd be saying the most outrageous [ __ ] for no reason at

all, bro. Hey buddy with the hat, can you pass me The skin color crayon? Um, I mean, at this age, kids were just walking NPCs, and I can't even blame them. I mean, they haven't developed consciousness yet, bro. Like, at this age, recess consisted of catching bugs, playing on the monkey bars, and [ __ ] eating sand. And I've talked about the high school bathrooms and all the wild [ __ ] that happens in there, but to be honest, the elementary school bathrooms blow that [ __ ] out the water, bro. Cuz these Kids aren't

hitting vape tricks. No, they're hitting toilet trick shots trying to set some world record for the farthest piss taken from the toilet. And let's just say even Stephen Curry couldn't splash that three-pointer. So essentially, [ __ ] was just pissing on the ground. Like, you need to walk into that bathroom 110% alert or else the next thing you know, you're getting that R. Kelly treatment, bro. And I remember my kindergarten had those Green, yellow, and red cards to show how good you were that day. But there was always that one kid with the permanent red.

I'm talking the teacher didn't even bother to change his [ __ ] the next day cuz everyone knows as soon as he walks into class he's doing some [ __ ] [ __ ] For me it was this kid we'll call Dennis cuz he was a menace bro. He was always loud, always throwing [ __ ] But besides being a menace, he was also a truth speaker, a fact spitter for better or For worse. Cuz this little guy had no filter. Okay Leah, you're up first for our show and tell. Okay. Um I brought my

favorite painting of mine. Uh, this right here. This one's me. And this is my dog, Peanut Butter. >> That [ __ ] is mad. >> Dennis, what did we say about saying the truth out loud? I I mean I mean not not the truth. I'm I'm talking about like he was the only dude I knew who could talk over the quiet coyote. I mean, to this Day, if I see one of those things, I just can't like I just can't talk over it. I mean, maybe he's going to eat me. I don't [ __ ]

know. But there was one thing that could shut Dennis up, and one thing only. Boy girl seating arrangements. Dennis always had so much to say until you put him beside Isabella and Leah and all of a sudden it's like, "Hey, what are you drawing?" >> Nothing. A Is that your dog? Maybe. [ __ ] He's just like me for real. Like to this day, you know? Oh [ __ ] And then we go outside for lunch. And don't get me wrong, eating sand for fun was great and all, but as kids got older, everyone started

to play games. Some of which consisted of tag, manhunt, soccer, basketball, grounders, red ass kickball, jump rope, tetherball, and what is possibly the most goatated game of all time, four square. This game was legendary, bro. But this [ __ ] used to Get heated as [ __ ] I mean, kids were making truses, making whole clans, and that right there was real beef. Like, if you caught the ops lacking at nap time, it was on site, bro. What? Oh, no. Wait. You're a poopy ass. But man, crushes were everything in elementary school. Like, if you

told anyone you had the smallest crush on a girl, words getting out fast and the entire class is going to be organizing a wedding for tomorrow. But some kids just didn't use their Words. Like this one girl in my elementary school who most definitely had a crush on me. I mean, once again, I I was the fastest kid in my elementary school. So, as I was saying, this girl had a crush on me, but she didn't like using her words. So essentially, she just like she just beat my ass. I mean, what better way to

tell someone you like them? And she must have really liked me, bro, cuz you could see it when I came home. Like, Oh my god, James, what happened? Oh, well, uh, I think this girl at school likes me. Oh yeah, that that's great. But but why do you have so many bruises? Well, well, Mom, I think she really likes me. No, I think you need to go to the hospital. Yeah, yeah, probably. Yeah. And there was also that one kid who went around teaching people swear words just cuz he could. And of course, when I

learn some shiny new words, I'm going to use them. I I mean, I still [ __ ] do. But I remember just talking with my friends, dropping the fbomb, feeling cool as hell. And then one time, I see this girl hauling ass over to the teacher and whispering into her ear. And I already knew what was going down because this girl was the biggest snitch known to man. Like unprovoked. It was like a hobby or some [ __ ] to her. And her name was Aaron. But like her real name was Aaron, spelled E R

I N. Yeah, how's it feel to get snitched on, buddy? But getting in trouble in elementary school was tough cuz they would act like you were committing war crimes for the smallest things. Like when I got snitched on for swearing, I was in grade four. I was a big boy. You know what I'm saying? But my teacher was pissed, bro. Chains, you can never say that word. It's horrendous. Um, what does horrendous mean? >> It's not good. Okay. A [ __ ] My bad. Chains. Oh, sorry. It's just stuck in my [ __ ] brain.

Chains, cut it out right now or you get detention. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, [ __ ] And I'm not going to lie, the most cursed part of elementary school was the talent shows, bro. Cuz the teachers expect you to be all quiet and serious and [ __ ] but it was literally a real life try not to laugh. Like, how am I supposed to be serious when Jimmy's up there [ __ ] out Minecraft parodies? Like, it's comedy gold. I mean, at my school, it Was less of a talent show and more of a

come on stage in front of the entire school [music] and do whatever the [ __ ] you want for 10 minutes type of show. And man, that [ __ ] was brutal. It was like watching paint dry. But if the paint was 7 years old and standing on a stage in front of the entire school nervous as hell, [ __ ] his pants cuz elementary school had some weird kids, bro. Like those kids who used to put glue on their hands to let it dry so They could peel it off. Or the kid who would

just straight up eat the glue. Or the weird kid who would secretly take a bite out of every single foam football. Like, how are you that hungry? The kid who only wore shorts through rain and snow. The kid who was mad at everyone for no reason. The kid who wouldn't stop yapping. The kid who always had to flex how strong their dad is. My dad is so much stronger than yours. He can beat up your dad with his pinky finger. He can Bench press 625 lbs. Wait, wait. What even is that? You don't know what

a bench press is? No. No. No. What the [ __ ] is a dad? The kid who thought he was Albert Einstein. The snitch named Aaron lives at 354. Stickman way. The fake snitch. Bro. Bro, you won't believe what I just did. What'd you do? I just put my juice box in the recycling. Get this. With the straw inside. I'm telling the teacher. I'm Bro, teacher. Teacher. Uh, Jackson. Yeah. Can I go to the bathroom? The teacher's pet named Aaron. E R I N. Postal code 3310. And of course, the fastest kid in the school.

You know what I'm saying? That was me. I I was him. I I was the fastest kid in my man. Way back when, there was a time when you couldn't catch anyone under the age of 30 chief in a vape. Until one day at Vaporizer Laboratories, they were cooking up and made a flavor that would change the game forever. Cotton candy. Now, this revolutionary Flavor forced these grown ass 30-year-old men to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves, >> "Damn, what do I look like as a grown ass man sucking on this

goddamn cotton candy stick?" >> So, they do what any responsible adult would do. They give it to their children. I mean, [ __ ] kids love cotton candy. All of a sudden, business is booming for Vaporizer Laboratory. So, they start cooking up even harder. Boom. Sour Patch Kids juice. Boom. applesauce juice and boom, baby food juice. These babies will be sucking that [ __ ] like a soother. Kids first words will be looking like yo. >> Oh my god, honey. Jackson's going to [clears throat] say his first words. >> Yeah. >> Oh, let's hear it.

Yo yo, pops. Well, let me bump my head off that 50 nick guava ice G. >> Yo, just wait till they drop that breast milk flavor, bro. [ __ ] These newborn babies won't even know what hit them. They'll be returning customers for life, which which will probably be like 12 years max. Now, the reason I say all this is to let you know that vaping not only intruded my high school years, but also my years in middle school. I was first introduced to these bad boys at the ripe age of 13. And with a

little bit of that good old peer pressure, I Folded, bro. Like, what was I supposed to do, bro? Like, like not take the hit? Yeah. Yeah. No. No. I probably should not have taken the hit. But from that point on, I started doing a little dabbling, you know? I mean, as a 13-year-old, there's only one answer to someone asking, "Yo, dude, you want to try a hit of this blueberry guacamole milkshake ice flavor, dude?" And that answer is abso fuckingutely, dude. And I was never a fiend or anything, but I Will say I popped a

few ghosts and blown a few O's back in my day, but it had never gotten to the point of me owning a vape until one day. This story takes place way way back in grade seven. Me and the boys were posted in science class dissecting cow balls or some [ __ ] when Mr. Principal burst through the door like, "Is Tessa here?" "Yeah, yeah, she's right there." And I look at Tessa and she just tosses her vape over to her homie Kate. And I seen that [ __ ] clear As day. But Mr. Principal's old

ass must have forgot to wear his contacts or something cuz he runs a quick pat down on Tessa looking for said vape. But sure enough, he doesn't find it. Miss Rhodess told me you were vaping in her class. Is this true? No, I would never. [cough] Okay. And then the bell rang and everybody knew what that meant. It was nut break. Now, I don't know who the [ __ ] decided to name our recess Nutre, but I will say Most of the students understood that that [ __ ] was short for nutrition break. However, some

kids took it a little too literally. Weird ass school, man. But this specific nut break, you best believe me and the boys weren't busting nuts or eating nutritional foods because Billy had something else on his mind. Yo, who's got you smiling like that? Who? Me? Nah. Nah. Nah. It's nobody. It's nobody. >> Yo, you got a crush on Tessa? [laughter] What? To Tessa? Me crush? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a crush on Yeah. Oh [ __ ] Go talk to her, bro. talk [laughter] to. No, no, no, bro. It's simple. She's new to the school.

She's probably looking for some friends. So, just just walk over, introduce yourself. [sighs] You're right. I'm just going to do it. Yes, sir. Hey, I I I I just Did I just sell that [ __ ] Yep, you did. Then the bell rings and we all go to PE class. Now, in my middle school, your Class was your class. You just have the same students and the same underqualified teacher teaching everything. Like Lord knows Mr. Donaldson shouldn't be teaching PE, but [ __ ] here we are. And so while we're playing dodgeball, I'm trying to

coach Billy on how to confess his love for Tessa, but I'mma keep it a buck. I was speaking straight out of my ass. Bro, I don't know the first thing about confessing love. Listen, bro. I'm the Expert when it comes to confessing love. All you got to do is walk up with confidence, introduce yourself, and then ask her to be your girlfriend, bro. Okay, simple. Let's practice. Hey, Vanessa, my name's Billy, and um do you want to do you want to be my girlfriend? Damn. And after the proper training, by the time lunch came around,

Billy was prepared to do what had to be done. All right, listen, bro. Whatever happens out there, me and Bob got your Back. And remember, the worst she can say is no, bro. >> [sighs] >> All right, I'm ready. You got this. Hey, Vanessa. I'm Billy. Um, I seen you in science class today and you were looking very pretty and um, do you want to do you want to be my girlfriend? [laughter] [ __ ] no. She laughed, bro. She laughed in Billy's face and he walks back to us with tears in his eyes. [snorts]

She laughed at me, bro. Well, at least at least you you know what they say. >> What? What? >> If if you can make her laugh and giggle, you can make the cheeks clap and >> right now, bro. >> You're right. Too soon. Too soon. Needless to say, that brother Billy went home that night, listened to Juicew World, and cried himself to sleep. [ __ ] The next day, Billy didn't even say a Word, but I could hear Lucid Dreams on full blast in those earbuds. Man, it's a tough sight to see. Next thing I

know, Mr. principal bursts in the class talking about, >> "All right, Tessa in my office right now." >> Now, I don't know why she was in trouble, but whatever she was accused of, she's guilty, bro. And she's also guilty on one third degree count of breaking my man's heart. And as I'm busy Praying on Tessa's downfall, I get a little tap on my shoulder like, "Take this. Mr. Principal's looking for it, and he's not going to check you." Who Who's is it? It's Tessa. Don't worry, it's safe with me. And it was safe with me

cuz that [ __ ] was now mine. The only way she could get it back is if she repaired my boy Billy's heart. And that just wasn't happening. And soon enough, Tessa comes back from Mr. Principal's office and she didn't say a Word. We had nutbreak, nothing. We went to PE, nothing. And then we went to math class. And as I was chilling in math class, calculating the square root of pi and [ __ ] I get a tap on my shoulder again. Tessa wants her vape back. vape. What vape? The the the one I

handed you this morning. You know it was purple. >> Oh, that vape. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I threw that [ __ ] in the bushes. So, she reports back to the person who gave her the vape and she reports back to the Person who gave her the vape, etc., etc., until Tessa finds out and she looks pissed. So, she whispers to her friend who whispers to her friend, etc., etc. What? What? What bush did you throw it in? Oh, the the the one out back. And to put it in perspective, the bush out back was

[ __ ] massive. It was this huge conglomerate of straight prickle bushes. And so pretty much her vape was gone, bro. And I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face, knowing I Not only saved Tessa's lungs, but also Billy's heart. The next day, I went to class, sat down with the boys as always, but something was different. Tessa and her homies were nowhere to be seen. I shrug it off and continue to make some groundbreaking studies in science class until I hear Billy like, "Bro, no [ __ ] way." So, I

turn around to not only see Tessa and her friends waist high in prickle bushes looking for this vape, but I also see Mr. Principal Forcing them to do it. Now, this was truly a beautiful sight to see revenge play out this perfectly. Like Billy was sitting at the window the entire class watching him do a whole search party for this vape that was posted in my pocket. And just when I thought Billy couldn't get happier, the next day Tessa and her friends had to present a PowerPoint to the entire school on why vaping is bad.

Uh so uh vaping is bad because like like uh when the vape enters your lungs, well It's not good for your lungs. Man, karma is real cuz not only did Tessa understand how it felt to be laughed at, but the next day my friend came up to me like, "Can I use that vape for the day?" And I wasn't using that [ __ ] So I said, "Yeah, sure." And at the end of the day, you'll never guess what she told me. Bro, yo, you still got the vape? No, no. I I threw it in

the bush. I'll back. [music] >> Yo, Chains, I I'll pay you five bucks if you pull that fire alarm right there. Oh, >> Chains, do you know why I've called you into my office today? No. You see, that little stunt you pulled has led you to a oneweek suspension. God damn it. What does suspension mean? It means for the next week you are prohibited from coming to school. [ __ ] What? What does prohibited mean? James, you can't come to school For the next week? Hold up. So, you're telling me because I pulled the fire

alarm, I don't have to go to school for a week? Yes, it's a suspension. You are Man, I got a lovehate relationship when it comes to getting suspended from school. Like, on one hand, [ __ ] you you just don't have to go to school. But but on the other hand, >> suspended? Oh, I'm about to suspend that ass. Ah, [ __ ] Ow. [ __ ] [clears throat] >> All right. I don't recommend getting Suspended. That [ __ ] is not worth it. But how do I know? This story dates way, way, way back

to grade seven. It was a cold winter day at Stick Man Middle School. In fact, it was freezing cold. And this gave Billy a great idea. Yo, the pond behind the school is frozen. Let's go [ __ ] around on it. Oh, I'm down. Okay, bet. So after school, we got a group of five homies and we headed over to the frozen pond. Now to paint the picture, behind Stickman Middle School was Stickman Elementary School. And behind Stickman Elementary School was this frozen pond, meaning we had to walk through Stickman Elementary School to get to

this pond. But nonetheless, we walk up to the pond and instantly I see this big red sign that says hazard. Do not step on ice. Guys, the the sign says do not step on ice. What the sign? What? Watch this. Oh [ __ ] Look it. It's sturdy as [ __ ] [laughter] [ __ ] And even though Billy's dumb ass Fell in, the ice was actually pretty sturdy. So, you know, we're gliding around eating [ __ ] hitting the meanest ballerina spins you've ever seen, and and and eating [ __ ] And we were

having some good old harmless fun. In fact, our grade seven selves were having the time of our lives on this frozen water. That is until what do you guys think you're doing? Uh, we were just just walking on the ice. >> M Did you guys not see the sign? What? What sign? I I I could have swore I put a sign right here. Nope. No sign at all. There was no sign. I have no clue what you're talking about. Okay, but but you guys have to get off the ice. Well, why? Nobody's getting hurt. Yeah,

we're safe. Okay, it's your choice. You're going to regret this. So, we continued with our ice skating antics for approximately 10 more minutes until the same lady came back up to the pond. But this time, she was equipped with a Sony Alpha A7 mirrorless digital camera with the extendo lens. In other words, she was quite literally about to catch us in 4K. But, but at least she doesn't know what school we go to. Hey. Uh, what school do you guys go to? >> Not stick man middle school. >> Absolutely not. >> No, definitely not. [

__ ] she knows. We had to think quick. How are we going to smoothly get out of this situation without getting in trouble? So, we Called a boys emergency meeting. We huddled up and discussed our best plans to get out of this situation. And after combining all of our genius grade seven brains, we made the ultimate plan. If we started mooning the camera, it would then be illegal for her to take pictures of our middle school cheeks. I don't know how this became our best option, but regardless, we put the plan in motion. I mean,

me personally, I got a little shy and kept my pants up, but Some of the boys were out there going crazy, looking more caked up than Summer Ray. And after a little while, the lady must have decided it wasn't a great look to have a camera pointed at some 12-year-old cheeks. and she left, which means the plan had worked flawlessly. Now, the next day at school, I had completely forgot about it to be honest. But strangely enough, while I was sitting in math class, I hear the little class phone start ringing. Uh, hello. >> Oh,

yes, he's here. >> Oh, okay. >> Yeah, I'll I'll send him your way. Thank you. >> Uh, chains, Mr. Principal wants to talk to you. And at this point, I should have picked up on why I was being called to the office. But I had complete faith in our foolproof plan of mooning this stranger that the thought of being in trouble didn't even cross my mind. That was until I walked into the office to See every single one of the boys sitting in Mr. Principal's office. But mama didn't raise a snitch. So, we started capping

our asses off. So, uh, what did you guys do after school yesterday? >> No, nothing. I I I played Fortnite. >> I I was doing a homework. >> Don't play stupid with me. I got a call from Mrs. Principal over at Stickman Elementary. So, tell me, what were you doing on the pond yesterday? >> I I I wasn't there. >> It wasn't us. >> I I don't know what you're talking about. >> I don't even know what a pond is. >> I see. Well, I've got evidence. And as he shows us this undeniable evidence, you

can see this dude Billy's cheeks in the corner of one of the pictures. So I slowly look over at Billy and he looks over at me. If you don't stop laughing right now, you're all suspended. That's it. You're all suspended. >> And as I explained the situation to my mom, let's let's just say Mama Chains was not happy. >> Pain. I've felt pain. He's felt pain. That dude's felt pain. >> What? No, I haven't felt any pain. We've all felt pain cuz you know what they say, the only things truly guaranteed in life is death

and pain. Wait, what about what about taxes? >> What is this? Chains for real? >> No. And I hate to be all controversial here, but pain that [ __ ] hurts, bro. Specifically, the little [ __ ] that just does one damage has no business hurting so bad. Like stubbing your toe or biting your tongue or or [ __ ] paper cuts. Like, that [ __ ] shouldn't even hurt, bro. It's paper. It's not scary. Oh [ __ ] And I still remember the first time in my life I ever took some real damage and

felt some real pain. And it Was back when I was 4 years old, which meant I was still learning the controls of life and [ __ ] Like, yeah, I could run, but it was low-key like watching a dude play Fall Guys if he was drunk and fried and asleep. But regardless, one day I was bored doing four-year-old [ __ ] and then I seen my arch nemesis, a [ __ ] chair. and I instantly knew what had to be done. I had to assert my athletic dominance by running and jumping over this chair. [music]

So, I Take a deep breath. I run up, jump, and clear this chair clean as hell. Now, keep in mind, I was 4 years old, so that was probably that was probably the coolest [ __ ] I'd ever done in my entire life. So, you know, I had to show my mom to make her proud of the man I've become. Hey, mom, watch this. What the hell are you doing, Chains? Hey, man. Just watch and learn. Oh [ __ ] I [ __ ] ate it, bro. Like that was the type of pain that hits

so Hard you can [ __ ] taste it. And damn, that [ __ ] tasted ass, bro. Like, have you ever taken a soccer ball straight to the schnoz? Cuz that [ __ ] will have you smelling pain, tasting pennies, and seeing tears, which is bad, but like who the [ __ ] invented the funny bone, bro? Cuz that [ __ ] ain't funny. Like, bro, you can't just call some painful flash [ __ ] funny and expect it to be humorous. >> No, no, no. The bone is called a humorous. >> Yeah, shut up.

How humorous is this, buddy? >> Not humorous. >> Yeah, that's what I thought. In fact, I think it's the opposite of humorous. Like, yo, did you guys know one in four dudes is gay? >> Wait a minute. >> Gee, I sure hope it's Owen cuz he's sexy as hell. [laughter] >> Y'all hit the funny bone, too. >> If I had a pain tier list that went from [ __ ] ain't nothing to I'd probably rate hitting your funny bone a solid. It's the same as stubbing your toe real hard. Like you just need a moment

to take a few deep breaths and say a few slurs and that [ __ ] just heals itself. But if we're looking at some top tier brutal, agonizing, excruciating pain, getting kicked in the balls. Now, for you 19.8% female audience, I know you might not be able to understand what this feels like. So, let me just Give you a quick overview. Imagine having balls right now. Imagine getting kicked in them. That [ __ ] hurts like a [ __ ] I remember one time in grade six, me and my homies were playing a good old

game of soccer. And we were playing with the big homie. I mean, the really big homie. Like the dude had more chins than a Chinese phone book. Like last time we went to a restaurant, bro looked at the menu and said, "Okay." Hey, and I Couldn't even tell you how big he really is cuz last time he stepped on the scale, it said one at a time, please. So, what I'm trying to say is he was a big dude and big dudes got big legs and big legs produce hard kicks. And during this grade six

soccer game, I unfortunately found myself leg spread wide open, freshly dropped testies exposed to this absolute unit. wound up to kick the ball and well, pain. Just pain, bro. Followed by a moment of Silence from everyone on the field. And I don't know if the moment of silence was for me or for my next generation of kids, the big homie just wiped out, but I felt that [ __ ] And I felt it in my stomach. And there was really only one sound I was able to make in that moment. >> [groaning] [screaming] >> Now,

I know what a lot of you guys are thinking. Getting kicked in the balls is nothing compared to child birth. Child Birth is so much worse. This guy's a misogynist. And no, I don't give people massages. And I might be the first to tell you this, but I've experienced both getting kicked in the balls and childbirth. And honestly, child birth wasn't even that painful at all for real. But to be fair, it was it was probably a little worse for my mom. So, like [screaming] now we all know physical pain very well, but what do

you call that deep torturous Pain you feel when your dog dies in Minecraft? That's that psychological pain. Like the pain you feel when you're watching a banger YouTube video and an ad interrupts you out of knowledge or like the pain you feel when you just got done making some toast and peanut butter and that [ __ ] flops on the floor face first. It doesn't hurt physically, it hurts spiritually. Like there really is levels to this [ __ ] bro. Cuz now when you start adding psychological pain onto The physical pain of things, we got

to start adding new tears to this tier list. Cuz imagine peacefully sleeping in your bed and you get woken up to the pain of your girlfriend kicking you in the ball, which of course hurts physically, but then you realize you don't even have a girlfriend a and you live alone. So, just to knock a few more off this tier list, a razor scooter to the shin, stepping on Lego is a solid. Now, Getting [clears throat] socked in the face is an interesting one, cuz that [ __ ] can range anywhere from all the way to

getting the sonic range knocked out of you. And if that shit's a good enough punch, you might not even feel anything. Now, for the tier, I would say that's the [ __ ] where you just take one damage. Like, eating some food that's too hot or getting a brain freeze or or when you're laying in bed with your phone and that [ __ ] slaps you across the face. Like, It's just minus one HP and and mine is 5 IQ. And if anyone's seen that [ __ ] it's probably a lifetime dead of aura. Now,

I'mma keep it a stack for something to be in the [ __ ] ain't nothing tier. It's just got to be a good ass day, bro. Like, some days I'll just be feeling invincible, bro. I wake up, roll out of bed, [ __ ] ain't nothing. Eat a nice hot breakfast. [ __ ] ain't nothing. Stub my toe while simultaneously getting socked in the face. [ __ ] ain't nothing. Get a Bad phone call. >> Oh yeah, Chains. This This is Dr. D's. Um, I'm sorry to break the news to you, but uh, you know,

you tested positive for chlamyia. >> Hey, man. [ __ ] ain't nothing. Oh [ __ ] Who's this? >> Yeah, I wasn't finished. Uh, you also tested positive for herpes, syphilis, gorrhea, hepatitis. You got a whole ecosystem on your [ __ ] Honestly, at this point, our best bet is just to chop That thing clean off. >> Oh, well [ __ ] [ __ ] ain't nothing. >> No. Yeah. No, no, it's definitely something. We're chopping your meat off. >> Yeah, but on some days, bro, it's just like Yeah. No, that's it. I quit. I'm

done. I'm going to sleep. Good night. And I know this might sound like some freaky ass [ __ ] but I feel like some pain lowkey feels good, bro. Like in school, I used to always put the front chair Legs on my feet just to feel the pain or even like eating some spicy ass food or like >> Oh yeah. Or or like getting spanked. Yeah. Yeah. No. [ __ ] Nah. Nah. I was thinking some more like like taking a really hot shower or like >> getting whipped. [laughter] No. Yo, George, shut the [

__ ] up, bro. I'm trying to make a video and [ __ ] >> Sorry. My fault, pimp. My fault. >> All right. Um or what about what about When you like uh >> getting slapped in the face, bro? Shut the [ __ ] man. Hey yo. [screaming] >> All right. Next up, we got Billy presenting his baking soda volcano experiment. Hey. Hey guys. How we doing? All right. So, uh, you see, if I put a solid amount of baking soda in here and then a little bit of vinegar here, um, it's supposed to explode.

>> [ __ ] Quickly organize a single file Line in alphabetical order. Hey, I'm first. No, you're not, bro. I'm first. Your last name is literally Johnson. I have two last names. Listen, bro. I'm not saying we shouldn't have school drills and all, but what I am saying is the school drills we do have are straight [ __ ] Like, if there was a fire in my class, I'm jumping straight out the window. The [ __ ] There is no way you'll catch me waiting for Alexander and Arnold to debate who's First in line while

I'm out here getting sauteed. And [ __ ] fire drills aren't even close to being the worst of the drills cuz we got lockown drills. Now, I don't know who planned out these drills, but godamn these drills are ass. Now, if you never had lockdown drills, they're pretty much a foolproof plan set in place to completely counter anyone pulling up to school with a strap. You see, the plan is pretty simple. You lock the door, gather all the students into The corner of the class, and you turn the lights out. And the reason we turn

the lights out is so we can politely tell the intruder that nobody's home. Now, if every classroom followed these steps perfectly, we might even be able to convince the dude that it's a pro D-Day or something. Now, listen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I really do. But there's one minor flaw in this plan. [snorts] [sighs] The the the shooters in the class, bro. You're out here telling the opposition your exact game plan, then you're surprised when bro pulls up to the hiding spot. Like, [ __ ] it's just easy pickings at

this point. Now, earthquake drills, man. The game plan here is to essentially hop under your desk and start counting. Now, when I was in kindergarten, I thought this whole earthquake drill thing was a fun game we played to learn how to count. But 12 Years later, we were still counting. Like, let's be honest. What the [ __ ] is counting going to do? Are you telling the earthquake how long it has to dismantle the school? Cuz I'm pretty sure it doesn't give a [ __ ] how long it takes. Me personally, I feel like the

best way to see if an earthquake is over is by observing whether or not the entire [ __ ] building is shaking. But listen, I will say this. Out of all the drills, the earthquake drill is pretty Valid. Like, whoever thought of this one was kind of cooking. I mean, these desks are pretty much made out of steel, bro. Like, out of all my years, I've never seen one break before. So, it probably provides some solid protection. But [ __ ] me personally, I'm still jumping through the [ __ ] window, bro. I don't care

how many times I practice crouching under my desk. If I ever felt the slightest shake in the ground, I'm out of that hole. So, if you carry the 674 To the power of two over to the 47, you will find Oh [ __ ] Wh Why did ch change just dive out of the window? [ __ ] I don't know. Now, I'm going to keep it a stack. I've never done a single tornado drill in my life. So, after doing some quick research, it looks like you just um you you do this. Now, I don't

know [ __ ] about tornadoes, but what I do know is that I'm not going to be doing this [ __ ] Like, I'm no scientist, but I Don't think the doggy position is going to stop the tornado from packing you up. So, to be honest, once again, I'm jumping out the [ __ ] window, bro. Like, that's just my default reaction. And if that tornado ends up putting me on a t-shirt, then so be it. At least the last position I was in before I died was not the face down, cheeks up pose. But

bro, imagine being the kid who poorly timed his piss and now the fire alarms going off midstream. And you Don't even get to know if it's a drill or not. Then there's the whole do you wash your hands dilemma, right? Cuz cuz you don't want to get trapped in the fire and [ __ ] die. But on the other hand, you don't want to just not wash your hands. Cuz if it's a drill, then then then you're just left with dirty ass hands. And while you're trying to decide whether to wash your hands or not,

the class is outside taking attendance. Like Roselina here, Jared Here, chains. Chains. Oh, [ __ ] Where did chains go? I don't know, bro. [ __ ] Oh, no. No. I was just in the bathroom. Woo. Oh, you you scared me there for a second. Wait, did did you wash your hands? No, I I was in a little bit of a rush. Get back in there and wash your hands, buddy. Uh, now the thing about school drills is they happen pretty often. I mean, every few weeks they throw in a fire drill here and a

little earthquake drill There. So, when the firebell actually goes off, [ __ ] just assume it's a drill. They're out here horsing around making jokes and [ __ ] while the school's actually getting [ __ ] cremated. But after almost all the drills, our alphabetical single file line goes out to the front of the school and on the field with every other class. And the amount of buffoonery that goes down on this field is insane, bro. I mean, everyone walks in with a single file Line, but after 5 minutes, that [ __ ] looks like

a Travis Scott concert, bro. Like I remember one time my high school got a bomb threat called in. So every class assembled the good old alphabetical line and we went out onto the field and we were out there for a minute, bro. I remember looking around and these [ __ ] were running the world's biggest game of duck duck goose like there wasn't a whole ass bomb threat called into our school. That same Day, one kid brought a football to the field and all of a sudden [ __ ] are running a pickup game while

we're waiting to see if our school is going to explode or not. And of course, the teachers tried to stop it, but these kids just used that as a diversion play and got another touchdown. All right, so now that we thoroughly dissected each and every school drill, it's only fair we hit them with a tier list. So, let's see what we got here. Uh oh. Oh, we're Starting with lockdown drills. What are we saying? Uh [ __ ] F tier. Holy [ __ ] they are ass. All right. Uh next up, we got fire drills.

Now, these drills do get the job done, but I'm not going to lie. I'm not [ __ ] with this whole single file alphabetical [ __ ] So, I'm going have to give this John a C tier. Now, tornado drills, uh, you got to go in the doggy position. Bro, I got no choice but to give this a D tier. And last but not least, my personal Favorite, earthquake drills. That they're still kind of ass. B tier. And bro, I know some of y'all may be thinking, you you can't just talk [ __ ] about

the school drills and and not present any better solution. Well, lucky for you, I have devised the best and only way to fully counter any natural or artificial disasters. It's simple. For a guy like me who's 7 feet, 325 lbs, 0.5% body fat, and a 7 foot wingspan, I just simply remove myself from the situation. However, I do understand that I am built different. So, for your average Joe, I have devised another plan. It's also simple. the moment some [ __ ] goes down, everyone runs at full speed out of the building. And of course,

some would argue that not everyone is going to be able to make it out of the building in time and that some people are faster and stronger than others. And you know what that's called? Natural selection. You see, if I was principal, instead of Running students through [music] these impractical drills, I would be running students through a different kind of drills. I would have my students in peak physical condition. Instead of a fire bell, I would have a push-up bell. At any given time, if that [ __ ] goes off, you drop down and give

me 50 or your ass is getting expelled. You see, this way, when there's a fire, everyone can simply remove themselves from the situation. Or in other circumstances, they can simply Intervene. Okay, chains. Welcome to your first day at Jim Jordans. These are our new product, Bieber. Uh, just smile and remember, >> the customer is always right. >> Okay. Yeah. Yeah. No, I could do that. >> All right, I'll leave you to it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, hey, sir. >> Hey, can I get some beaver bites? >> Uh, yeah. How many? >> All right. [laughter] How

about this? Hey, let me get a pack of Justin Bieber's balls. >> That's funny. Yeah. How many do you want? Hey, let me get a pack of Bieber sacks. >> Okay. Yeah. How many, bro? [laughter] >> Hey, let me get a taste of Justin Bieber's Weber. >> Back in my day, I used to work at a fast food place called Jim Jordans. Now, for legal reasons, this is not Tim Hortons, okay? It has it has Jay's and [ __ ] Like, they don't even look that similar, bro. But honestly, working at Jim Jordans, I felt

like Johnny Sins. The way I'd put on my uniform and go to work just to get the soul sucked out of me, bro. And instead of dealing with a bunch of fat asses, I'm dealing with a bunch of fat asses talking about, >> "All right, so I ordered an extra-L large BLT with ranch, extra bacon, no veggies, and I only got five strips of bacon. I want a new one." >> Uh, okay. Yeah. Um, where's the sandwich? >> Um, I ate it. >> Of course you did, bro. Like, you do not need more food. I

don't think your arteries could compensate for any more bacon. >> Yeah. Well, no. No. My My doctor said I'm in shape. >> I mean, yeah, bro. You're in the shape of a circle. I mean, I don't even know how you made it through the door. Oh [ __ ] Damn. Now, believe it or not, I was a Jim Jordan's Hall of Fame employee. [ __ ] I was the best in that whole goddamn establishment, bro. And no, it's not because I was the sexiest, hardest working, strongest, most intelligent dude they'd ever seen. It's cuz everyone

else was ass, bro. On the drive-thru, we had the Indian homie Dill Pri, and the only English he knew was the Jim Jordan's menu. Bro, >> welcome to what can I for you? >> Hey, just uh just give me a moment. >> I give you donut. >> No, no. I I need time to think. >> You need chai tea drink. >> No. No. C Can you wait or not? >> Okay. One tart. >> No. Wait. >> You want eight? >> No. Okay. Stop it. You know what? >> Okay. Chocolate donut. >> Then over making the

food, we had this sweet 83year-old lady, Linda, who was 20 Years too old to be doing this [ __ ] >> Okay. chains. [music] Here's the cheese bagel. >> Thank you, Linda. But um Yeah. Yeah. This This is the ninth cheese bagel you've given me in 20 minutes. >> Oh my good gracious. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, what's this? Oh. Oh, cheese bagel coming right up. And overworking the counter, we had Sebastian. Now, don't get me wrong. Sebastian was a really nice guy, but he had a little Hint of the tism, you know, like

like No, he he had a lot of the tism. Like it it was more like the tism had a hint of Sebastian, which is cool, of course, but it did mean that he would absolutely yap at every single customer who came in the store. [ __ ] I'll never forget this one time a girl came in the store and just ordered a muffin. Like, >> welcome to Jimmy's. What can I get for you? Hey, can I can I just get a fruit explosion muffin? Can you guess what Sebastian said next, bro? Maybe your total is

175. Cash or card? Uh, for here to go, none of the above, bro. The sentence that came out of this motherfucker's mouth was >> a food explosion muffin. >> Yes, please. >> That sounds an awful lot like a hate crime to me. [laughter] >> Yeah. Not Yeah. Can I get my muffin, please? >> Do you get it? You get it? >> Yeah. Yeah, I get it. >> Okay, listen. It's like >> You really don't need to explain. >> Explosion. Okay. It's like if you took a bunch of gay people. >> That's Sebastian. And over on

drinks, we had this dumbass 15-year-old who's always spilling and [ __ ] That was me. Yeah, that was me. I I was ass, too. But like, I was still the best by default, though. So, the point is our Jim Jordan's crew was looking like a group Of clumsy villains from a Disney movie. But just because we were all really ass at our jobs doesn't mean we were useless. Cuz if there's one thing we knew how to do, it was making people's days even worse than they already were. You pull up to our drive-thru all happy,

just wanting a small coffee. [ __ ] you're leaving with a small hot tea and some suppressed anger you'll probably bring home and let out on your wife and Children. You pull up to our drive-thru just wanting a breakfast sandwich. You're leaving with nothing cuz we ran out of eggs and cheese and bread and the breakfast and the sandwich. You pull up to our drive-thru pissed off, complaining about how there's not enough mayo in your wrap. Bro, you're leaving with a wrap filled with super special secret Sebastian sauce. So, I'm sure you could probably tell,

but we had to do a lot of customer service and talk our way Out of a lot of mistakes. And by we, I mean me, bro. I was the designated customer service dude. Cuz before it was me, it was Dill Pre. And that [ __ ] would usually go something like, "Hey, I just took a bite out of my chicken wrap and it literally tastes like someone busted a nut in that shit." >> A nut? >> Yes. Someone busted a nut in my goddamn food. >> You want a donut? >> No. >> And then before

Dill Pri, it was Linda. >> Hey, I just took a bite out of my chicken wrap and it literally tastes like someone busted a nut in that [ __ ] >> Oh my heavens. That That's horrible. I'm sorry. I'll get you a refund right away. Ah, >> thank you. Uh uh hello. Uh >> oh. Hello. Hello. Uh uh welcome to Tim Hortons. I mean Jim Jordans. What can I Get for you? >> God damn it. And before Linda, it was Sebastian. >> Hey, I just took a bite out of my chicken wrap and it literally

tastes like someone busted a nut in that [ __ ] >> Oh yeah, that was me. >> Now, of course, our elite Jim Jordan's crew had a manager, Magnus. Now, Magnus was strict as hell, but she would only show up like once a month. But whenever she did show up, she Was running this gym Jordans like it was the military or some [ __ ] Cuz usually I'd be 54 minutes into my 30 minute break playing Clash Royale. But when Magnus was there, bro, [ __ ] I'd clock into my break, make eye contact with

her, [ __ ] my pants, and then clock right back out. She was so intimidating that whenever she would show up, I would never spill a drink. Sebastian used real mayo. Dil Pre spoke fluent English. And Linda would be so stressed out she'd Forget to forget. She was running this place so much like the military. She had my ass waking up at 4:30 every day. And when Magnus was teaching me to do customer service, she really loved to say, >> "The customer is always right." >> So, of course, I listened. But it was low-key a

crazy statement. Cuz honestly, the customer is never right, bro. It doesn't even matter what we're talking about. It could be like, "Hey, how you Doing?" "Hey, I'm doing good. Can't complain. I mean, it's a nice sunny day outside and all." Damn, this chicken wrap is good as hell. I am 100% sure nobody busted a nut in this. And I don't know about you, but I personally have never complained about my fast food order ever. I usually just get my order, check the bag, realize instead of a Big Mac, they gave me a Mc Chicken with

a bite taken out of it, cut My losses, and I keep it pushing. But some of these [ __ ] in the Jim Jordan's drive-thru come in like you just murdered their entire family and then took a [ __ ] in their coffee. Oh [ __ ] >> Hey you, there's not enough sugar in my [ __ ] coffee. >> Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Do you want me to add more sugar in? >> No. This is unbelievable. Now, I swear these angry customers love to throw Around the word unbelievable, but I'm not

going to lie. We forgot to put sugar in your coffee. It's pretty [ __ ] believable, bro. I mean, look at the staff. We're getting paid minimum wage. The guy who took your order doesn't speak English. The guy who made your orders is a 15-year-old running off two hours of sleep. And the rest of our staff is playing [ __ ] patty cake. You're lucky we even had enough brain cells to get you the coffee. And I'm Going to be honest, it was a blessing that I was broke as [ __ ] and really needed

that job. Cuz if I didn't, I would have crashed out for sure. >> Hey, some dumbass forgot to put cheese in my [ __ ] grilled cheese. >> Oh hell no. Yo, Linda, you hear this ungrateful piece of [ __ ] >> Oh hell no. You keep running your mouth. I'm about to grill your cheese, [ __ ] >> What the [ __ ] is your old ass going to do? >> And I busted in your sandwich last week. >> Wait, what?