shyness isn't a biological problem it's a philosophical problem when you feel shy you believe there's an insurmountable gap between you and other people and the other people were created from this otherness which makes them completely different from you so this is going to sound like a judgment but your shyness is an excessive way of feeling special because this otherness we're speaking of is the general assumption that other people never feel lonely they never make social mistakes they're completely self sufficient they know everything they need to know they never want to be bothered or spoken to
and they do not share in any of your All Too Human secret desires confusions or anxieties about life so to overcome shyness you need to change your social philosophy but before we do so let's get clear that we're on the same Plage Plage page with our definitions by shyness I don't mean social anxiety or introversion social anxiety is the persistent fear of socializing even after events have finished introversion is the preference for choir and less stimulating environments whereas shyness is the fear of being judged by others while an event is happening of course these three
things can overlap especially the first two but we're just going to hone in on shyness but before we get into the how-tos of how to overcome it I just want to preface with one thing shyness is incredibly normal imagine you're a caveman back in the day sat outside your stable making cheese or whatever you were doing back then you suddenly look up to see a barbarian with a beard appear over the hill and you say guys stop stranger come down here we're making cheese he's got an axe inviting him with open arms into your village
for a tour and a bit of cheese would likely result in you losing two legs and your family being no more so your shyness isn't a pathology it's a way of protecting yourself from potential danger but you're led to believe shyness is a pathology because you exist in a society that is optimized for extroverts and go-getters so your shyness is incredibly normal and understandable but taken too far of course it can get in the way of your socializing so now let's cover how to overcome it when you feel shy you become inwardly focused and you
let your imagination run wild you convince yourself you're a complete outcast at the event you're at you have nothing worthwhile to contribute to any conversation let alone start a conversation and you feel there's a spotlight on you at all times exposing all of your flaws to other people but most of all you convince yourself that other people are completely different from you so instead of approaching other people as if they're completely other to you that you belong to the group of anxious boys and she to the clan of attractive girls or vice verser or that
they belong to the rich upper class and you to the average middle working class human ize this person and try to find the common ground between you both to exemplify this about two years ago I was a Salesman in a very busy gym and it was my job to cold call people but also around 30 times throughout the day strangers would walk into the office knock on the door and ask to be given a tour around the gym to see if the membership was worth signing up for so it was my job to turn on
the Charisma sell myself sell the facilities in the hopes that they sign up for the membership but when I first started the job I felt very shy giv T I had no idea what to show them or let alone what to speak to them about on that long walk down that long lonely Corridor towards the gym but one day one of my sales managers told me something I will never forget he said leis no matter who walks through that door whether it's a 17-year-old kid wearing skateboard clothes or a 57-year-old woman dressed as if she's
about to go on a dinner dat you can always find one thing about that person that you like and one thing that you both have in common so the next time you feel shy that's your job find one thing about this person you're speaking to that you like and one thing that you both have in common no this last thing probably won't be too hard to do considering we all have a nose pair of eyes butt cheeks a family that we love and hate the secret desire to wake up and spend your day doing nothing
but scrolling watching on unusual memes and eaten cornflakes as well as the occasional thought of what happens after death and what is life all about finalized with the occasional urge of when you stood at a high place like a cliff to Chuck yourself off just me okay but uh to find these two things you have to be in a conversation and your shyness is likely going to hold you back from openin conversations with people so here are some tips to get the ball rolling let's say you have an upcoming social event that's making you feel
nervous you've got a party to go to or a networking event or you have to go into the office to work or you have to meet your good God partner's family for the first time set intentions give your mind something else to pay attention to rather than going inward for example I just want to have one meaningful conversation with someone and then when you achieve that objective early on you'll feel accomplished and you'll have an abundance mindset of anything else I do while I'm here is now a bonus because the objective has been achieved life
hack the best intention to set to Stave off shyness is try to make one person feel as comfortable as possible put all the attention on them away from yourself number two open yourself it all starts with your body language consider your nonverbal cues like a trailer for a movie they let other people know what might be coming which means whether you're a friend or a foe you're approachable or you're not so a few things eyebrows and eyes keep them very relaxed don't be alert on edge constantly scanning your environment keep them chill second of all
loosen your shoulders don't be so stiff and rigid and closed off to people you might be naturally but remember whatever your body is signaling to the external world it's also signaling to your brain what emotions you should feel we're tensed off and stiff oh my God that means there's a threat in the environment spark anxiety now that's the conversation going on with your body and brain loosen your shoulders second of all sounds weird but tilt your head tilt your head don't be so stiff in your neck a lot of the times as men we do
this to assert our dominance but people who tilt their head especially in conversations are seen as more attractive and more approachable cuz think about it I'm exposing the main art that carry oxygen to my brain so if I just have a nice open posture with my neck and I got loose shoulders I don't have to approach people other people can see me and see that oh yeah he's a pretty approachable guy he seems like he's angling for a conversation perhaps now he can signal people across the room and be like hey look exposed come chat
by the way animals do this all of the time so the next time your dog looks up at you and it's like just say oh cheeky Bugger I know what you're doing trying to butter me up number three call out the obvious notice something about someone and bring it to their attention for example you're at a network in event and you see someone stood towards the exit and they're constantly checking it have a brief walk over and as a passing comment say seems like you're ready to leave and see if they reciprocate your energy back
this will take courage it will but other things that you can use similar to this is empathic statements so you can use this to open or flow within the convers ation you look happy or looks like you're having a good day this signals to other people that you care about their well-being and you're willing to receive them what this might look like in a conversation is let's say you're at an event with loads of people there you can approach someone and with a simple opener say hi my name's John what's yours Vicki looks like you're
having a good day if they genuinely look like they're having a good day I sure am but it's been a long week oh so you've been quite busy lately I sure have 60 hours of work and she continues the framework is so you you follow up what someone has said with a brief reflection and an interpretation of what that might mean but don't worry if you get the interpretation wrong more often than not other people will correct you and it just keeps the conversation flowing you don't have to say this after everything they say you
can use it in your first few sentences and then it's up to you to take the conversation wherever you want it to go finally Point number four always have one default topic to rely on you might want to ask people about their favorite music music their favorite meal their job or their hobbies that will help you stay clear of those moments in conversation when you're unsure of what to say next but if you do make a social mistake and you fumble your words or you feel you're coming across as awkward or you spill milk all
over yourself this is what other people do inside when they see your social mistake they go oh my God thank God thank God I'm not the only one you humanize yourself and enable them to connect with you when you make a social mistake feel free to end the video here but if you want to go a little bit further I have two mindset shifts for you one question and a closing tip shyness can also arise because you put other people and events on pedestals for example if I was to introduce you to your favorite celebrity
tomorrow you'd likely become quite shy because you've idolized them in your mind so too if an attractive stranger randomly approached you you might become tongue tied and shy because you believe they're way out of your league so destroy the pedestals put no one and no thing above the level at which you put yourself not in an egotistical way but with the wholehearted understanding that we're all human and no one deserves the title of being anything more than human as the French philosopher Michel Monte said even sat upon the the highest Throne you're still sat on
your ass we all put our trousers on the same way we all urinate in the same way more or less remember you need to dep pedestalize events as well cuz let's say you've got something upcoming that is now making you feel nervous you feel nervous in anticipation of this thing because you've heightened the importance of it so have an attitude towards it whether it's a job interview you're meeting someone for the first time you've got a party upcoming or you're going on a first date have an attitude in your mind where you're like uh yeah
whatever it's not that important I'll go see what it's like and I'll be back sooner or later and it's just a part of my life of course while the thing is happening be enthusiastic about it but in anticipation of it be like yeah whatever I did this recently about 3 months ago I was invited to do public speaking for a big company in Croatia in front of their 50 employees shouts out Y and modash and the crew and upon the invitation I felt quite nervous in anticipation of it but the way I rationalized it in
my mind was whatever I got plenty of things on this month it might be fun might not be but either way it will be a cool holiday but while it was happening of course I was enthusiastic about it so have an attitude also consider this perspective change you're a buyer you're not a seller shyness can also arise because you believe you have to prove yourself to other people and that they must like you lest they discover your inner reprehensibility but in the same way that you'd adopt the mindset of being a buyer if you're being
Tor around a house for the first time and the salesman would be the seller to soften you up for the sale adopt the same approach when you're socializing stop creating the dynamic that you have to prove yourself to other people and start fostering the dynamic that other people have to prove themselves to you not in an egotistical way again but with the wholehearted understanding that your time is extremely limited you will take your final breath one day which means you could be spending your time doing anything else right now but you're spending it with this
person so your presence has purpose but as mentioned if you fear exposing yourself in social situations I'd like you to keep this question close at hand how exposed can you be it's a bit of a weird question but if you ask it of yourself in those moments when you feel shy you'll begin to see it as a challenge then you might voice your genuine opinion in that conversation despite that voice in your head telling you not to or you'll hold eye contact with people for longer than usual just to see what happens or you'll ask
that stranger in the queue at the cafe where they got their Co trainers from and then you'll gift yourself the opportunity to realize exposure doesn't kill you and it's only by exposing yourself to the world that you're able to gift others the once in A- lifetime opportunity to get to know you and remember if wor comes to worse and you do make a social mistake you say the wrong thing you fumble over your words or you spill milk all over yourself most people probably didn't notice and even if they did notice then at least you've
given them the ability to connect with you and realized that that time when they spilled milk all over themselves or said the wrong thing they don't need to feel embarrassed about because other people do it too we're all human but the last thing I want to leave you with is labels are for food not people which is to say you don't need to keep calling yourself shy and keeping yourself rooted into one psychological dimension of being as Alan watt said you're under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago stay disciplined playful and
dangerous adios
