The Classic Friars Club Roasts - Season 1, Episode 1 - Johnny Carson

[MUSIC PLAYING] [DRUMROLL] ED HERLIHY (VOICEOVER): Tonight, the Kraft Music Hall presents "The Friars Club Roasts Johnny Carson," starring Steve Allen. [APPLAUSE] Dick Cavett. Groucho Marx.

Ed McMahon. Don Rickles. Ed Sullivan.

Flip Wilson. Tonight's Roastmaster, Alan King. And our guest of honor, Johnny Carson.

All brought to you by Kraft, Kraft for good food and good food ideas. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of New York, the Honorable John V. Lindsay.

Thank you. Well, we've gathered here to honor one of our own, Johnny Carson. Tonight, for the first time, on Kraft Music Hall, the television audience is invited in to see the Friars and to see the kind of kidding that comes only out of respect and admiration for one performer for another.

Two other famous guests were supposed to grace the dais tonight, Richard M. Nixon and Hubert H. Humphrey.

Unfortunately, they were both forced to decline. Mr Nixon said he couldn't remember who Johnny Carson was. And Mr Humphrey said he did.

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] But I wanted to be here very much tonight, not only because I'm a Friar, not only because I admire Johnny's talent, and not only because I'm fond of him as a human being, but because, in my business, where you can lose your job by only one vote, it's silly to take chances. As mayor-- as mayor of this city, I feel it's my duty to tell you of the many wonderful things that Johnny has done for New York. For instance, he goes to Las Vegas several times a year.

Actually, he-- he really does very many generous, civic-minded things for New York City. I just wish I could think of one at the moment. Because of Johnny's enormous popularity, many forward-thinking citizens are trying to convince Johnny that he really belongs in politics.

The leader of the movement is Joey Bishop. Actually, he has a great future in it and I don't know why he doesn't do it. He has everything that any politician could want, a national reputation, fame, good looks, his brother's already on the payroll.

Friars are well-known for their benevolent activities. They've raised millions of dollars for charity. When any needy person or institution found themselves desperate, they could always turn to the Friars for help.

And a large city like New York provides many reasons for its mayor to lose sleep. Johnny Carson is the nicest one I can think of. Now, I'd like to present the man who is the historian of the Friars Club and who will referee the rest of tonight's proceedings, our Roastmaster, Alan King.

[APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] Thank you, Mayor Lindsay. While you were being such a big hit, your car was towed away. [LAUGHTER] Truly an honor to be introduced by the mayor of the great city of New York, a man who can always be depended upon in any crisis during our school strike, the nursing strike, the firemen's strike, the police strike, the subway strike, the newspaper strike.

This man took us through all these crises. He got the garbage off the streets and back into the homes, where it belongs. Honored guests-- What am I doing?

I'm reading. That's what I'm doing, Carson. As Toastmaster, it's always an honor to be part of a tribute to-- to one of the greatest stars in the entertainment world.

But tonight, we gotta settle for this cockamamie over here. I think the best way to tell about Johnny is to read from his publicity release. See.

This is put out by NBC. They were responsible last year for "Captain Nice. " Another great show.

This is put out by the press department that couldn't make a star out of Moshe Dayan in Israel. That's not on there. I just added that.

"Johnny Carson--" and, again, I quote, "Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa. " There's a message there somewhere. "And-- but with all the aspirations and ambition of a young man, he wanted to move to the big city.

So at the age of eight, his family moved to Norfolk, Nebraska. " I've been there. The cab drivers ask the passengers where to find a girl.

And-- "From his earliest days, Johnny Carson was destined for show business. At the age of 12, he began his career as the Great Carsoni, gypsy, magician, and ventriloquist. He built his own dummy, which he affectionately called Ed.

" Why are you looking at me, McMahon? It's right there in the release. "Next, we find Johnny in Lincoln, Nebraska--" Couldn't stay away from the big cities.

"--where he made a--" oh, this is a beauty. "--where he made a name for himself on Station KFAB as part of a cowboy act called 'The Radio Rangers. '" You remember them folks, don't you?

"He later made a bigger name for himself conducting the children's hour. He was picked up on a 414. " One time.

"Having 24 hours to get out of town, we find Johnny in Los Angeles, the star of a game show called 'Earn Your Vacation,' which he did. He wasn't on television for five years after that. " With his last $183, he stole a car and drove to New York.

By the time he got to Phoenix, she was rising. And she found a note hanging on that door. It was your landlady.

You beat her for the rent, you bum. But we wanted to honor Johnny tonight before he disappears from television completely. But what a tribute, Johnny, to see these giants of show business on the dais.

This is truly praise unto Caesar. They haven't come to honor you, but to bury you. I'd like to introduce the first pallbearer of the evening.

He's a very, very nice man, very talented man, star of his own morning show. We're very proud to present Dick Cavett. [APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] I expect that the heavy-going roasting will come later, because I, as you know, have worked for Johnny.

And I-- I'm here sort of-- well, I thought I could serve two functions at this point. One would be to maybe clarify some things that have been said about Johnny-- since I was an employee of his and know him a little closer than some people, clarify some things that weren't necessarily true that maybe appeared in papers and things. And then, the other thing I might do is mention some things that Johnny I think ought to be praised about and seldom is.

Those two functions, about what I would do. First of all though, I would like to let everybody in the country in on one big secret. Ed McMahon really thinks Johnny is that funny.

[LAUGHTER] Johnny, however, is a guy who is very good to his writers. And I'm in a position to say that. He-- he won't do what some performers will do.

If you take him a joke that he doesn't like, he won't cut it up in front of you or downgrade it in front of the other writers and embarrass you. He'll wait till he gets on the air and do it then. Johnny has volunteered for telethons, often.

Often he has. You don't see him on that many, but that's because the people producing them can't meet his salary demands. But he-- he has volunteered.

And he's not antisocial in spite of that article that came out a couple of years ago that said he's antisocial, has no close friends, that sort of thing. Not true. I was at a party that Joanne gave at his apartment and all of Johnny's close friends were there.

And interesting people they were too. I had never met Martin Bormann. And the other person there was interesting too.

I would just like to say that there's a reason why there's a relatively small dais here tonight. There are only, what? 9, 10 people on it?

A lot of people refused to do this tonight, because they said they didn't even want to be connected in any way with anything which might, even in jest, seem to say that Johnny was not a great person. And I think that's a tribute to him. Most of them used the same phrase and turning it down too.

"He'd get us somehow. " May I say though, in-- in-- actually next to closing that I have worked for Johnny on his staff. And probably the real tribute to a person is what the people on their staff think of them.

And I know that every Monday, we would have a meeting on Johnny's staff, in the year and a half I worked with him, of the six or seven people he considered his key people. And-- you know, producers and writers, those people. And we had those meetings every Monday.

And every week, the phrase would be used by someone, "Aren't I lucky to work for a guy like Johnny Carson? " And in the year and a half that I worked there, I heard that phrase every single Monday, from over 270 different people. When comedians sit around and discuss comedy, the name Groucho is mentioned with all respect and great admiration.

GROUCHO MARX: This means I'm gonna die up there. ALAN KING: You'll never have a nicer introduction to a funeral, I promise you. I wanna hear what you say at the finish.

His legendary lyrics, caustic wit-- GROUCHO MARX: I'm sick of that word "legendary. " --has established him as one of our most outrageous humorists. He makes Don Rickles look like the Flying Nun.

And don't think that wouldn't be an improvement. His remarks bear witness to two of the funniest words in the English language. Ladies and gentlemen, Groucho Marx.

[APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] You're looking fine tonight. You're much taller than I thought you were. Friars and-- and guest of honor, when I was asked to appear here tonight on the Kraft Music Hall to honor Johnny Carson, my immediate reaction was to give up my citizenship and move to Czechoslovakia.

[CHUCKLES] Gee. I thought they'd yell at that. A deadly silence came over Appomattox.

Frankly, I cannot live in a country that will honor a man whose only claim to fame is that, from the side, he looks like Audrey Hepburn. [LAUGHTER] I thought that one would be deathly silent. Boy, did I get fooled by a lousy speech.

Don't worry. Your time is coming. Actually, when you're commanded to appear at this kind of a turkey, you-- you naturally feel privileged and honored.

But in my case, it's ridiculous. I hardly know the man. He's a complete strangler-- no, stranger.

I'd have bet on that, Johnny. He's a complete stranger and not even a close one at that. Sure, I've played a few stories about Johnny Carson.

But a man's private, sordid life is his own. Nevertheless, I had done some research on little Johnny. I went back to the scene of his childhood, Nebraska.

Isn't that true? It's Nebraska. You keep shifting around the Midwest, I don't know where you're from.

I went to Nebraska to talk to Johnny's mother. I'm happy to report, she remembers Johnny. She doesn't remember his father.

But she remembers Johnny. Then, I called on his old high school teacher. And I asked her, what kind of a student was Johnny Carson?

But she didn't remember Johnny. However, she did remember Johnny's father. You know, I try to watch Johnny.

I tuned in three times. One time, Jerry Lewis was the host of "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. " The second time, Harry Belafonte was the host of "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

" The third time, I was the host of "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. " I've never known Johnny Carson to host "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. " We're honoring a man who doesn't show up for work.

He could be the mayor. Let me give you an idea of the friendship Johnny Carson and I have for each other. I was on Johnny Carson's very first "Tonight Show" six years ago.

I'll never forget the first night I met him. And heaven knows I tried. I was in my dressing room, at least that's what they said it was.

It was the only dressing room I ever saw with 12 sinks. He rushed in, dropped some change in the machine, pulled out a comb, a nail clipper, got a squirt of perfume, and left. The last time I saw him was about 40 minutes ago.

I had the same dressing room. Two sinks had been removed. He came in and said, boy, am I glad you're here.

The nail clipper doesn't work. Well, for-- for your information, Mr Carson, the perfume's worn off too. Johnny, I've never asked a favor of you, because, frankly, you're not the warmest person in the world, even in your underwear.

But I'd like to ask you a favor anyway. Can you get me Hermione Gingold's phone number? That's the worst impression of Groucho Marx I've ever seen.

What would a testimony do? Without the presence of his left-handed man, the tower of strength of "The Tonight Show," one of the greatest shot putters of our time. I've seen them put away 30, 40 shots a night.

Ring-a-ding. We bring you the number two man. He tries harder.

Ladies and gentlemen, big Ed McMahon. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] [HICCUPING] Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Mr Mayor, boss.

10 days ago, we-- Johnny and I celebrated our 10th year working together. And it's been kinda nice. In all that time, we've never had an argument.

Or a laugh. [LAUGHTER] You sit down, you're great, right? You should see me lying down.

If Johnny and I ever disagree about anything, I come in, express my opinion, he listens. Then, he expresses his, tells me his point of view. I kiss the hem of his coat and I go home.

There's been a lot of kidding here tonight about my drinking. And actually, that's-- well, it's just a gag. The truth is that Johnny has never seen me take a drink.

By the time I get to the party, he's usually under the table. But you know when a man reaches the pinnacle of success, people begin to gossip about him. I've heard people say he's cold and he's calculating and he's ruthless.

But you know, a lot of times, friends will overemphasize a man's good points. You know the many trips I've made to the coast with Johnny, he always characterizes me, kinda kidding around, as kind of a lethargic lothario. Right?

A career cruiser, so forth. Things like that. As a matter of fact, on the last trip, right, our wives went out to California and had a delightful time.

That's what they told us when we called them from Miami. Remember? Since I spend so much time with Johnny, the big question asked is what is Johnny Carson really like?

What is he down deep inside? Most often that's asked to me by his wife, Joanne. May I say seriously that-- that it is 10 years we've been together and I'm very pleased about that.

Thank you, Johnny. Thank you. You're funnier than that song.

Blink your eyes. That's how they know you're here. Flip Wilson was discovered on "The Johnny Carson Show.

" He was a very big hit. He came on-- I guess the timing was right. He came on when the show was in dire need of comedy.

He came out right after one of Johnny's monologues. Or was it during? But he was a riot.

I'm sorry about that, Flip. I didn't that way. Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of our soul brotherhood of comedians, Flip Wilson.

I like to say that Flip Wilson was discovered on "The Tonight Show. " And 43 years since, Johnny Carson has, on numerous occasions, shouted across the airwaves of America "I found Flip Wilson. I found Flip Wilson.

" The pages were telling me that, during the day, when they come in in the morning, they'll say "Good morning, Mr Carson. " And he says, "I found Flip Wilson. " Now, what I'd like to do is give you a few of the details relating to how Johnny Carson discovered me.

What happened leading to my first appearance on "The Tonight Show? " First, I did an audition for a talent coordinator. His office was in the maintenance section downstairs at NBC.

I was told that the offices were located there, because the talent coordinators also have to clean up Johnny's dressing room. Now, I had to do 15 minutes of material for a guy who was on his hands and knees scrubbing a floor. When he finished the floor, he told me that he would have to have a greater insight into my personality, so that he could determine whether I was panel material.

And the best way for him to get to know me would be for me to help him wax Johnny's car. Once I'd been accepted, I was told that the most important guests are put on first. As I stood in the wings for five nights waiting to go on, I noticed that the pretty girls in miniskirts with their knees showing were always put on first.

So I went back to the talent coordinator and I asked why I had been bumped five times. And he said Johnny likes knees. And he tells us to hold the close-ups on the girl's knees.

That's what's been causing us to run out of time. He said, if you show Johnny your knees and he likes them, you'll be on right away. So I went back to my hotel and I sent him a picture of a beautiful girl in a miniskirt with her knees showing.

And I signed it "Flip Wilson. " And I also put a "P. S.

Will I see you after the show? " Well, 4 o'clock that morning, I received a phone call from Johnny personally. And he said, "Hello.

" So I answered the phone. And I said, "Who is this? " He said, "It's Johnny Carson.

" He said, "I'm calling to invite you on the show. " I said, "Are you the Johnny Carson what be on television all the time? " He said, "That's right.

I'm calling in regards to your card. " I said, "You got the picture then, didn't you? Did you see my knees?

" And I received an invitation to appear the next night. And he promised me I'd be brought on first. And he asked about-- if the part about seeing him after the show still went.

I told him yes. This was my break. In fact, he came straight to my hotel and sat on the side of the bed and told me he was depressed and asked me could he see my knees.

This is really a switch for me. I'm going to introduce Ed Sullivan. GROUCHO MARX: That's what I've been waiting for.

What a thrill that will be. 20 years ago-- 20 years ago, he burst forth upon the television screen with the impact of a soggy marshmallow, man who has contributed as much to show business as Sammy Davis Sr. And the resemblance doesn't end there.

It is especially significant that Ed is with us tonight, because just six months ago, the Friars gave a similar dinner honoring the fact-- he still thinks this one's for him, yeah? He was just overheard saying to Groucho, don't you think it's running a little late? Little samples of the sparkling wit you'll be hearing from my-- from my longtime boss and dear friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Sullivan. [APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Mayor, esteemed guest of honor, as I look around this star-studded dais, I notice I'm the only one here who's not a professional comedian. [LAUGHTER] GROUCHO MARX: You can say that again.

Right, Mr Mayor? You've just seen your car for the last time. I've had my share of shticks.

Believe me, it hasn't been easy walking out on the stage every week for the past 20 years and saying, "Let's hear it for the fabulous Flying Walenskys. " This guy's great. GROUCHO MARX: He didn't get where he is by luck.

You know, it wasn't so long ago, on October 5, 1955 on a Sunday evening, that a young and nervous Johnny Carson came backstage to our show, walked up to me, got on his hands and knees, and said, "Shine, Mr Sullivan? " And there was stooping before me a great comic genius. Any man who would put a brown polish on a black shoe is no dummy.

Right, Rickles? 40 years and this dummy's still on. Anyway, Johnny made it.

And there are reasons for his huge success. I don't wanna take full credit for it. But I did teach Johnny everything he knows.

I taught him how to speak. I taught him how to stand, how to move gracefully. This klutz is teaching him.

Keep going, egghead. Your teeth are starting to lock. The guy that was supposed to be here got sick.

ED SULLIVAN: But the thing that really annoyed me is since Johnny is much younger than I am, how come when he introduces guests he gets to sit down? Why didn't I think of that? He always sits down.

Yeah, and it wouldn't be safe for you to sit down. Well, two things happened that Johnny Carson would've made-- Can I get a Xerox of this? Johnny, would you stand up now and take a bow?

Let's give him a real big hand, folks. I can't help it. It's my shtick.

Thank you. I'd like to introduce a gentlemen. He's a prolific author, composer, inventive comedian whose shows have introduced some of the funniest comedy characters seen on the tube.

It's been said that he's conducted more man on the street interviews than Fanny Hill. See, if you do them slow, it works. The man who started "The Tonight Show.

" We're very happy to have him with us, Steve-arino himself, Steve Allen, ladies and gentlemen. [APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] Thank you very much, Alan, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Mayor, brother Friars. I must say, this is one of the craziest evenings I've ever seen.

Just think of it. 87 comedians up here on the dais and out in the audience and Ed Sullivan gets the biggest laugh. Don, you were very funny while Ed was on.

We're gonna miss seeing you Sunday nights. [LAUGHTER] I'm laughing, but I'm burning up. And-- but, really, we've had a lot of laughs.

Not tonight, of course, but over the years watching Johnny. Ed, originally, I thought this was a good spot they gave me. Now, it's kind of a different situation.

Of course, it's not the first time I've run second to Ed Sullivan. So I-- I feel rather comfortable in this kind of a position. But like the rest of you, like all of us and millions all over the country watching right now, I regularly watch Johnny, as Alan mentioned, in my capacity as the originator of "The Tonight Show.

" Frankly though, I watch the program with slightly mixed emotions. Nothing-- nothing negative, but just mixed emotions. You might say that I feel toward Johnny the way you feel about a guy who marries your first wife, especially if your first wife was a hit.

But I can just tell by watching Johnny on so many nights that he has just as much fun doing that show as I did. And it really is, seriously, quite-- quite an enjoyable way to make a living. And sometimes I do get a little bit nostalgic for the old days.

Once in a while I maybe go up to my projection room and Jane and I sit down and we look at some of the old routines I used to do on the old original "Tonight Show" about 15 years ago. Or if I don't have time to see them that way, I just wait till 11:30 and watch Johnny. You all know Johnny Carson the man.

And you know that he's such a complex and interesting person that I-- I guess I could go on talking about him for another, oh, 30 seconds or so. But, really, there are some people here in the audience tonight who have known Johnny longer than any of us, who know him-- Why are they here then? We'll have to go out and find that out.

I'm coming right out there to find out. [MUSIC - HENRY MANCINI, "BABY ELEPHANT WALK"] I knew I was putting on a little weight, but "Elephant Walk? " Anyway, I know one very dear friend of Johnny's.

His dearest friend in all the world, of course, is a lady that you absolutely will insist on meeting and you should meet, because she's quite lovely, Mr. Johnny Carson. Joanne, would you stand up here?

Joanne Carson. Joanne doesn't know what she's going to say, and I don't know what I'm going to ask her. What are-- what are Johnny's hobbies?

Anything that interests him. STEVE ALLEN: I hope so. Let's see now.

How long have you been married? Five years. Five years.

Well, you've done a good job. And I learned just yesterday he's going to renew you for another five. Well, Joanne, it's very nice to talk to you.

I don't want to embarrass you or put you through any comedy routines here. I just, as I say, wanted the folks to see how lovely you are. It's nice to have you with us.

Thank you. Now, John is a very fortunate man. Not only does he have, as you've seen, a very lovely wife.

But his secretary's also quite attractive. Your name? - Jeannie Tays.

- Jeannie-- - Tays. Tays. Would you stand up please, Jeannie?

What kind of a boss is Johnny? He's marvelous. Well, that goes without saying.

But, I mean, is he a kind of an impatient fellow? Or does he do his own dictation? Or does he show up at the office every day on time, that sort of thing?

Not his own dictation. No. I don't want to do jokes.

He's marvelous. He's-- he's good. He sounds like a boy scout.

STEVE ALLEN: We could use some jokes to tell you the truth. How did he happen to hire you? By just the regular way.

You mean his regular way? Moving right along once again. Thank you so much.

Nice to talk to you. Now, this gentleman, I've been told, and I hope reliably, is indeed-- are you not, sir, Johnny's barber? - Yes, I am.

- Very nice to have you with us. And your name? Jerry Spolina.

Jerry Spolina. I guess being Johnny's gotta be at least once or twice a millionaire, is he a big tipper? Is he a big tipper?

I asked you first. No, really. Is he?

Well, let me tell you this way. He can-- he's very punctual. He comes maybe-- - He's very what?

Punctual. Oh, punctual. I see.

He comes in about 10 minutes ahead of time, and he always wants-- he says, well, you know, I waited 10 minutes. I don't have to tip you this time, do I? And I have to give him coffee besides.

You give him a haircut and coffee and he actually doesn't tip you? Well, not all the time. No.

Scandal. It's true. What do you charge for a haircut?

For him? $25. For that money, I wouldn't give you a tip myself.

Well, Mr Spolina? Right, Jerry Spolina. Very nice to meet you.

You were a good sport to put up with my guff. And it's nice to meet you. Well, John-- this last two minutes, all of a sudden, I feel like Ralph Edwards.

You see how quickly they forget? This is your life. This is my death, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, John, all seriousness aside, you know, they say that you can tell an awful lot about a man by the friends he's made. And Johnny, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, you're in big trouble. But I'm going to finish straight if it kills me.

And it may. We would not-- really, we would not have gone to the trouble to put this show together with this honor, the mayor, and all these very great entertainers and show business personalities-- we would not have showed up, and I'm really serious about this, with no jokes if we didn't feel a great fondness for you and a great respect. Thank you, John.

At every function of this sort, along with the roasting and poking fun, at the honored guest, of course, you must have at least one person on the dais who can bring a little sobriety, bit of distinction to the occasion, someone whose soft-spoken manner and delicate delivery is the essence of humility and gentleness. Don Rickles is a man who will go down in history with such names as Heinrich Himmler, Attila the Hun. In truth, Don is one of the most well-loved guys in our business.

The only time you really feel insulted by him is when he doesn't insult you. Don't worry, Johnny. Tonight, you will not be deprived.

Ladies and gentleman, here he is, Mr Warmth, Don Rickles. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] I would like to say, first off, that this evening is one of the big bomb, dull evenings of my life. [LAUGHTER] I like to welcome the honored mayor.

Good to see you, sir. Having a good time while the city is being destroyed? What can he do to me?

He's not Jewish. I'm only kidding you, Mayor. I never met you.

Make a note of that. Once in a while, they move your body or they're gonna throw dirt on you. It's a great treat to have Ed Sullivan being wheeled in here to be with you tonight.

Johnny, I'd like to say, from the bottom of my heart, nobody likes you. You're a vicious guy. I hope you go back to Nebraska and get a fungus all over your body.

His mother was supposed to be here tonight, but the pickup broke down. She's out on the highway with his father going, "Our Johnny loves us. " Isn't this fun, Ed?

You're staying up late. Later on, you're gonna watch Johnny take a shower. I see you in the shower.

The water runs up. The water runs up. That's right.

What am I, Johnny Belinda? This too fast, Mayor? I'm only kidding you, Mayor.

Get rid of the mayor, Ed. [CHATTER] You never knew a big star would wear a clip-on bow tie. Anyway, I'll say this.

Johnny has been a friend of mine for a lot of years. I've been out with you very, very-- quite a few times in California. And I wanna say publicly, he's definitely cheap.

The last time this man went to his wallet, Chester Morris' picture moved. That's his lovely wife. And I'll tell you, I get you, Joanne.

You're a wonderful girl. Remember the old days, when you did "Night Train? " She's a wonderful girl.

Ever since the bulb blew out, she couldn't do the number. I kid Joanne for one reason, because I never liked her either. And good luck to the Italian barber.

Could I see your papers? And of course, Ed McMahon, good luck to you, wino. And Steve, as a friend, that suit went out of style about eight years ago.

I'll be off in a minute, Mayor, and you can find out if you're still the mayor. I do wanna say though, will the band come out from behind the linen? Good-- good to see you guys.

That's Kay Kyser's old band. They passed away in the back. I'll tell you thought, it's-- it's a big kick.

Isn't this fun, Ed? Huh? Try to move your gums, see if the teeth are working.

Ed keeps sitting there going "Where's the apes? " Anyway, isn't that a good one, John? How does it feel to hear laughter instead of sitting up there at 12:00 at night interviewing Huntz Hall?

But I'll tell you, to all of you, I-- I kid you, Johnny, and the honorable mayor, I say this in gesture, not that I have to apologize, because you're a wonderful man. Remember backstage when you came over to me and said, "I'm the mayor? " He's calling the cops and they're all sitting here drinking.

I always say in my humor, it is delightful when you kid big people. The mayor is a very prominent man. Everyone on the dais is prominent.

My whole life, my dad, rest his soul, he told me, "Don, if you laugh at authority and you try to do it with dignity, it is fun. " Johnny Carson, as Alan King mentioned, gave me my start on television with the late night shows. And I'm very grateful to him.

I kid about him. I flew here from California in his honor, not that I should win a medal for that. But it is nice to know that someone is that important to you that you can take time out from your career to pay respect to a guy that gives his all.

And when he believes in you, he certainly goes all the way. Mr Carson has done everything in his power to further my career. I am forever grateful on behalf of my wife and my little baby girl, Mindy Beth, and my mother in Miami.

You are a good man. I always say that, because she's in the will. But to you, John, really, may God be good to you and I wish you what I have, people that care.

And you certainly do have that. Bless you. Thanks.

To show you how much we really care about Johnny Carson, we're gonna let him follow Don Rickles. Ladies and gentlemen, it's all been said. Our guest of honor, Johnny Carson.

[APPLAUSE] [FANFARE PLAYING] That I did not expect. When an audience stands, I get a little bit embarrassed. I always get the feeling they're leaving.

If you learn to cut hair, you'll get a tip. Those of you who are watching this telecast tonight, many of the people sitting here in front have been to these Friar's testimonials before. And the great hazard about being selected as the guest of honor is that you appear last.

And, of course, all the guests come up here to the dais and usually are brilliant and get tremendous laughs. And, you know, it's difficult. Fortunately, tonight, that wasn't the case.

This is gonna be a cakewalk. You really got the new season off to a flying stop, didn't you? First of all, I would like to thank his honor, the Social Director of Fun City for being here tonight.

He has had a few hectic weeks, the last weeks with the teacher strike and the Long Island railroad not running, policemen, the firemen, sanitation strikes. If you'd've taken the vice presidential nomination, you wouldn't be in this mess now. And it's usually traditional at this time to-- to thank the Roastmaster, Alan King.

Alan, thank you tonight for doing that. I wanna thank Dick Cavett who-- Dick Cavett is like Ed McMahon, of course, in that they both used to work for me. Dick, I didn't think you'd go this far, stealing Phil Foster's old act.

Steve Allen, I've never seen you better than tonight. And that's a damn shame. Steve, later on is gonna do one of those hilarious things for you that he does so well.

We're gonna put a telephone on the table and Steve is gonna make an obscene phone call to an elderly-- to an elderly heart patient. Ed Sullivan, I wanna thank you for leaving your crypt to be here. Ed is-- Ed is one of the rare anomalies in our business.

A newspaperman who speaks as well as he writes. Ed is an inspiration to children taking public speaking all over our country. Ed opened his mouth and the words come out lying in state.

Now, Don Rickles has his own television show for the first time. This season has only been on a few weeks. Right?

And is receiving national exposure. I've known Don for what, 10 or-- 10 years, I suppose. And I've always enjoyed his joke.

But now that he's a big star, two-- two years ago, he'd come to my dressing room with a sport coat and a tie. You know, give me a break. You know, I was standing out there.

Today, he's moved to the West Coast. He's a big star. He's unreachable.

Called you several times in the past week and you were out walking your rat. But now that I have received equal time tonight, as you know, the Friars is-- with all the fun and the kidding, it is always a kick and it is always a thrill and a personal honor to be honored by the Friars. Because I think if most performers or most people, whatever you do with show business, whatever job it is, I think what most people want is, oh, the admiration and possibly the respect of the professionals in your business.

And it's nice to know that these gentlemen and you here in the audience would show up. It gives me a great feeling. And I thank you very much.

[APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] ED HERLIHY (VOICEOVER): Kraft Music Hall has been brought to you by Kraft. Kraft for good food and good food ideas. To get tonight's recipe free, write Kraft "October TV Recipes, Box 1718, Chicago, 60690.

A postcard will do. This is Ed Herlihy.