The old Prophet said, "These words are like a lamp for your feet so you can see where to walk, and words are like a light for your pathway so you can see where to go. With words, you can show somebody where to step and where to go. " One of the best phrases I could give you for the day is: "Don't be lazy in language.
Don't be lazy in language, because the gift of language can create a career. It can help somebody see the way into the future; it can help somebody change from who they are to who they would like to be. It will help you to see the gift of your own intellect.
There's an innate vocabulary in all of us that helps us to see and helps us to translate what's going on in the world, what's happening, so that we can make good decisions instead of poor ones. We can make fewer mistakes this year than we made last year. One of the major things to pray for is to be gifted in language, because it can have such a dynamic effect on your children, it can have such a dynamic effect on your business, it can have such a dynamic effect on your customers, and it can have such a dynamic effect on your business partners.
Not continually getting better and better at the gift of language would be a great mistake. So, jot this down: make one of the books a very important book, and that is the dictionary. Come to a word you don't understand, and look it up.
So, what is this word, vocabulary? You need the practice—practice everywhere. If you're going to give someone a gift and send a little card, practice making this little card something they'll keep and remember for the rest of their lives.
Not ordinary, extraordinary; not like everyone else, different than everyone else. It's the practice of using your gift of saying things another way until a light turns on—another way that expresses something heartfelt that the standard or ordinary language wouldn't express, couldn't reach, couldn't paint these mental pictures. It's okay to give flowers, but don't let flowers do all your talking; flowers have a limited vocabulary.
Guess what flowers say? "You remembered. " That's about all they say.
Flowers don't say, "Nobody in this world affects me like you do, love. " See, flowers talk, but they don't say that. You've got to put it in the little card: "Nobody in this world affects me like you do, love," and then you sign it.
And see, long after the flowers are gone, somebody's going to keep the words. The words are more powerful than the flowers, so don't let flowers do all your talking. See if you can't choose the words that are meaningful, words that are unique.
The more you do this, practicing every little occasion to say something well—whether it's a little talk, a family gathering, or whether it's training, or whether it's inspiring, or a little class on Sunday morning—whatever it is, keep improving. Keep improving. Find a new way to say it, a new illustration, a new story.
You'll get better. When my wife, Judy, and I parted ways, wow, that was a unique experience. I wrote this little note: "Dear Judy, as often as the night comes, so does my sadness; as constant as the day arrives, so is my love for you.
I wish for you, and I wish the best for you, and I understand that dilemma. My life is here where you touched me. If ever you would call, I would be there to be touched again.
" It wasn't very long; it was just a few words, but I tried to express what was going on in my heart and soul at that moment. So I'm asking you, don't fail to say it. Here's an expression we've heard: "Words are no substitute for action.
" That's true. Let me give you another one: "Action is no substitute for words. " It's okay to do, do, do, but you’ve also got to say, say—express it.
As clumsy as it might be to start, begin a better program of better communication, saying it better, saying it better. Here are the four steps to good communication: Step one, vocabulary. First of all, vocabulary!
You've got to work on your vocabulary. Some of my friends took a survey among prisoners working on a rehabilitation program. They weren't particularly looking for this, but here's what they found: there's definitely a relationship between vocabulary and behavior.
The more limited the vocabulary, the more tendency towards poor behavior. When you think about it for a while, it makes sense. Words are a way of seeing.
If you don't have a good vocabulary, you can't see very well. Can you imagine the mistakes in judgment when you can't see very well? At Harvard University, they did an interesting study over a period of 50 years to find out why some people moved up financially in their lives and why some countries moved up financially.
What they found regarding people was that it had to do with vocabulary. A wise man once asked me, "What is the purpose of words in human life? " People said, "Well, to communicate.
" He said, "Yes, but it's more than that," because a word is a condensed thought, and one word can have many meanings. Think of words like love, freedom, family, and success. These can fill entire books and libraries.
So he said, "Every word that you know is a condensed thought. The more words that you know, the better you can think, because you can put these words together into more complex thoughts. As a result, you can think better and make better decisions.
" So what they found is that people with the very best vocabularies rise to the top of their. . .
Societies: the more words that you learn and understand, the better you can think, the better results you get, the better life you have. Next, words are a way of expressing what's going on in your head, what's going on in your heart. What if you can't see well and you can't express well?
You can imagine the tragic scenario of five years of that, ten years of that, twenty years of that—showing no improvement. Behavior now becomes a major problem, and that person's world gets smaller, and smaller, and smaller. Why?
They can't see, and they can't express, and finally, they don't need much bigger place than a 10x12 cell. Their world is so small anyway; they don't need much bigger place. I'm asking you to stretch your vocabulary.
To build my early vocabulary, I used to put three or four words I didn't know on a card and put it up on the sun visor of my car. Back in those days, I traveled a lot by car. Sure enough, by the end of the day, I had mastered two or three words.
Since vocabulary is a way of seeing, if you can't see well, you can imagine the errors you can make and how they compound as life unfolds. So, it's very important to have a good vocabulary. I would ask you: one of the most important books in your library should be the dictionary.
Step Two: Sensitivity. Next is sensitivity. You've got to understand—we use the phrase "where people are coming from," where they've been, what's going on.
Sensitivity training is so important. People—not like you—people that have got challenges and problems and difficulties. You've got to do your best to be sensitive to other people, where they find themselves, the pit they might be in currently.
What's going on? Be sensitive to that. Always remember, people are carrying a heavy load.
There was a wonderful line I read that said if every person who complains about their problems could come from all corners of the earth and take and pile their problems in a heap, and if each person could see the size and gravity of the problems of others, they would sneak forward, shame-facedly, and take their petty problems away and creep into the night. I think it's an interesting thing when you consider that we have problems, but so many other people have vastly greater problems than us. When you tune into other people's problems and concerns, it's amazing how much better your life is.
Here are two of the greatest things said about Jesus: one, it's said he was touched—he was touched by where he found some people. He was touched by the misery he found some people in. He was touched, and here's the other word: he was moved.
It said he was moved. Touched and moved. If you really want to communicate well, you've got to be touched and moved—not just by your own drama of life, but by the drama you know is going on in other people's lives.
Sensitivity: how does an adult, aged 40, talk to a child who's 12? You've got to be sensitive, not just to your current situation. One of the best ways to identify with a child who's 12 and you're 40 is to remember when you were 12.
Go back, go back, remember the scenario, and let it hit you again; let it touch you again. Mr Schultz, who only went to the eighth grade in school, gave me the classic point to ponder here when I was 25 years old, and it was put in such simple terms I've never forgotten it. Let me put it in those same terms for you.
Here's what he said: learn to express, not impress. That was so helpful for me because it's easy to engage in language just designed to impress instead of express. But Schultz said if you want to touch somebody, learn to express sincerity from the heart, not impress.
Impress builds a gulf; express builds a bridge. Identification is building a bridge. If you're meeting somebody for the first time, it's simply getting acquainted, building a bridge, making contact.
Here's one of the clues: find something you have in common. That's where you start—something you have in common. Here's the clue to really affecting people: start with where they are before you try to take them to where you want them to go.
Meet people where they are. If somebody's hurting, you've got to meet them in the hurt. If somebody's in trouble, you've got to start with the trouble.
The key is to start where somebody is. If they're in trouble, you've got to start with trouble. You can't talk success if somebody's in trouble.
You've got to start, first of all, talking trouble so that when somebody is stricken in the heart, and you've had this experience—maybe not as deeply, but somewhat of an experience of being stricken in the heart—when you meet somebody and you're trying to help them, you can talk about being stricken in the heart, and it'll have substance, it'll have meaning, it'll have depth, and you start there, and then start building the bridge and start building the path towards solving the problem. Step Three: Read your audience. Here's number three: read your audience.
So, let me give you some clues on reading. Number one is simply to listen. Part of reading is listening.
You pick up a lot of clues as to what else to say, what all to say, by being a good listener. From early times, I think we've learned: to be a good speaker, you've got to be a good listener. If you want to communicate well with someone, you talk; let them talk.
You talk, let them talk. In fact, Mama said with two ears and one mouth, you should listen twice as much as you speak. You talk, so active listening is very, very important in relationships.
Active listening means the person is really there. Put down the magazine or newspaper, turn off the television set, lean in, and be there the whole time. Sometimes people are shy, and I can tell you this: the way that you overcome your shyness is very simple.
Tune in to the other person, ask questions, and then listen carefully to the answers. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Get out of yourself and don't be preoccupied with what the other person is thinking about you; instead, focus on encouraging the other person to talk about themselves.
The more the person talks about themselves, the more they like you. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. When you go home at night, don't talk about your day at all; instead, ask her and ask the kids about their days, and listen closely.
The more you listen, the more the person trusts you; the more they trust you, the more they like you; the more they like you, the more they open up to you. So, treat your family members, and treat everybody you meet, as though they were your best customers. Their jokes will be funnier, their conversation will be more interesting, you'll pay better attention, and you'll have far more patience.
Just try that. And by the way, as I mentioned, women are wonderful communicators; they're fabulous listeners. They're far better than men.
Men are 95% more likely to interrupt a woman than a woman is to interrupt a man. Be sure to pause before replying. When you pause before replying, it raises the self-esteem of the other person because it tells them that you're carefully considering what they said rather than just jumping in.
Ask questions for clarification. Always ask, "How do you mean? How do you mean exactly?
How do you mean? " Well, that's interesting. "How do you mean?
Well, that's really good. How do you mean exactly? " And then listen and practice listening.
Finally, paraphrase it in your own words. Remember, when you can paraphrase what the person said, this is the real test of listening; this is where you really prove that you were truly listening. So paraphrase it in your own words: "Well, let me make sure I understand what you said.
You're concerned about this, and this happened, and that's what happened. " Uh-huh. Now take the time to paraphrase and think about paraphrasing while you're listening, and you'll always be a better listener.
Number two: you've got to read what you see. Part of it is just being conscious—right? Body language.
Reading what you see. Here's what we teach in leadership skills: don't mistake courtesy for consent. In a polite society, we learn sometimes to be courteous, but that doesn't mean we buy the story.
With somebody being polite—smiling and nodding—you've got to make sure you don't misread that and stop short of full persuasion. Don't mistake kindness for acceptance. In a polite society, we've learned to be kind, but that doesn't mean we've accepted.
So part of this is a little more subtle in reading in a polite society whether or not somebody is buying your argument, if they're being persuaded by your presentation. So body language—picking up those signals. Now here's the one that's probably the most effective, but it's probably the most elusive: reading the emotional signals.
This is an area where women probably have the advantage over men in picking up the emotional signals. I think men can learn these skills, but I think women have a lot of this automatically. However, it's something we all have to learn.
Emotional signals—picking up the signals of whether to change your language, be sharper, or to be softer; to go after a problem or to ease back and give it time to soak. Part of this is just picking up the feelings, picking up the emotions, being sensitive to the situation. This is not easy stuff; this is extra learning, extra skills.
But this is called summit learning for those extra measures of rewards that come from communicating by learning these extra skills. It is very important to read your audience: how are you coming across? What is the effect from a child to an auditorium full of people?
Here’s the final part: intensity, words mixed with emotion, words mixed with hate, words mixed with love, words mixed with faith, words mixed with courage—that’s what's powerful. Words have a certain effect, but words loaded with emotion have an incredible effect. Words loaded with emotion can move nations; they can help people change directions.
Look at Hitler and his ability to preach; look at Stalin, his ability to preach. Lenin, as wrong as they were, believed it with all of their hearts—disastrous results—but they put everything they had into it. The emotional content was unbelievable and powerful—yes, in an evil direction, but it can also be used for a good direction.
This intensity, strength, power, emotion—my words may reach you, but if I can't touch you with my spirit, if I can't touch you with my emotions, my feelings, my beliefs, then I probably haven't affected you very much. The feelings, the belief, the commitment—all that I am. If I can put more of what I am into what I say, there's no telling what miracle I can wrought; no telling how much of an effect I can have.
Real persuasion comes from putting you into what you say. But now here's part of the clue, and we call these extra refinements of leadership skills: learning to measure your emotions. That's very important—to learn to measure your emotions.
You don't need an atomic explosion for a minor point. Enough, but not too much. We call this understanding how to measure.
The flow of your emotions can cover a point, okay? But if it needs heavyweight stuff, you reach and get it. If it needs a milder approach, you learn how to measure it in milder, easier terms.
But it’s very important to measure your emotions, your feelings. So here’s the key to effective communication: well-chosen words mixed with measured emotion. That’s the basis of affecting people with good communication.
Well-chosen words mixed with measured emotion. And one last point on communication: if you want to get good at communication, you have to be aware of doing it every day, as a practice session of getting better, so that when the real important occasions arise, you will have the gift, you’ll have the style, you’ll have the sharpness, the clarity, the substance, and the emotion. I have a key phrase for you: actions are no substitute for words.
Don't fail to say it. Now, we’ve heard the old expression, “words are no substitute for action. ” That’s true.
“Talk, talk, never act” — that’s not good. But this also isn’t good: “act, act, and never talk. ” Accept every opportunity to go make a little talk.
If that’s going to be your business, get better at talking to your kids. Come up with more illustrations, come up with more ideas, read an extra book on how to communicate with teenagers so you’ll have something a little better to say. And then just practice it.
Get good at it. Get better at it. Practice everywhere.
If you’re going to give someone a gift and send a little card, practice making this little card something they’ll keep and remember for the rest of their lives — not ordinary, extraordinary; not like everyone else, different than everyone else. It’s the practice of using your gift of saying things another way until a light turns on — another way that expresses something heartfelt that the standard, ordinary language wouldn’t express, couldn’t reach, couldn’t paint these mental pictures. It’s okay to give flowers, but don’t let flowers do all your talking.
Talking flowers have a limited vocabulary. Guess what flowers say? “You remembered.
” That’s about all they say. Flowers don’t say, “Nobody in this world affects me like you do, love. ” See, flowers talk, but they don’t say that.
You’ve got to put in the little card: “Nobody in this world affects me like you do, love,” and then you sign it. Long after the flowers are gone, somebody’s going to keep the words. The words are more powerful than the flowers, so don’t let flowers do all your talking.
See? You can choose the words that are meaningful, words that are unique. The more you do this — practicing every little occasion to say something well, every little occasion to say something well — whether it’s a little talk to the family gathering, or whether it’s training, or whether it’s inspiring, or a little class on Sunday morning, whatever it is, keep improving.
Keep improving. Find a new way to say it, a new illustration, a new story. You’ll get better!
The gift will belong to you, and the effect could be electrifying. When my wife Judy and I parted ways, I wrote this little note: “Dear Judy, as often as the night comes, so does my sadness; as constant as the day arrives, so is my love for you. I wish for you, and I wish the best for you, and I understand that dilemma.
My life is here where you touched me. If ever you would call, I would be there to be touched again. ” It wasn’t very long; it was just a few words.
But I tried to express what was going on in my heart and soul at the moment. So I’m asking you: don’t fail to say it. Here’s an expression we’ve heard: “Words are no substitute for action.
” That’s true. Let me give you another one: “Action is no substitute for words. ” It’s okay to do, do, do, but you’ve also got to say, say, express it.
As clumsy as it might be to start, start a better program of better communication — saying it better, saying it better.
