right if you're a a young 30s something female I get this all the time from a lot of women who reach out to me who are ending relationships that were really stressful for them or they've been single for years and they're trying to figure out how do they find the right person or how do they create the right relationship for them that's going to be a a long-term partner if you're a female in your young 30s what should they be thinking about like should they be focusing first on themsel growing themsel or what are the
things they should be looking for in the right partner I just wrote my current blog which is a little bit of a critique of this taking care of yourself first okay yeah yeah so um because you you learn to love yourself in the context of your relationships with others you know we this idea that you go first to work on yourself here and then you prepare this little nice little package and you bring it to relationships that's that is completely off actually it's it's it's active you do do you need a good amount of self-awareness
but you also need to be in relationships because it's people who help you become more aware practicing it practicing it but other people let you see who you are it's by being with others that you get to know who you are not just by sitting there alone and say who Am I who am I right but this is a relational perspective on life and I will stand by that read the newsletter I really poured myself into that one because I'm tired a little bit of this no what I will say to you but I'm tired
of the go fix yourself first and then go be in a relationship relationships help you to become who you are that's what happens between children and their caregivers the next thing is intend instead of constantly thinking who's the right person I'm going to find why don't you ask yourself who do you want to be who should the other one be no maybe it's for on occasion ask who will I be as a partner who have I been till now in my relationships how have I shown up what is it that I do not just you
know finding the right person that's now what does it mean to find the right person and there I will say the simplest way of looking at it is this there are many people you will love and they are not necessarily the same people that you will make a life with are you looking for a love story or are you looking for a life story o that's good you understand yeah there many people have had love stories this a whole different story I never thought for a minute I would live with these people take something else
to have a partner in life with whom you're going to go through the pains the sufferings the challenges the you know the all of that can you have a life partner and still have a love story of course of course you want the life partner to be a love story too but the love stories per se are not life stories it's different ingredients it's different values you there's some things that you don't need in order to have a beautiful love story with someone it it lives in its encapsulated version on its own you're not thinking
can I do this with you can I get Old With You can I take you to my parents can you know I do we share similar it's about values life not just about feelings so when you looking for the right person it's not just what attracts you it's who can you build a life with how many values in common do you need to have with your partner life partner because the important ones there's not how many but there are a few of them that are really that are really important which ones would you say that
make a break based on your experience I think I I'm not going to say them in order of importance but one of them that really matters is your relationship to others if you are a person that values relationships that sees the presence of others in your life as Central and you are with somebody who does not want Community or does not know how I mean I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you but their value is you do things alone you live alone you rely on yourself you you know you don't
bring people over to the house I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday you know and he loves to have people over and she just nobody should come over to the house she wants her space her space the whole thing and I'm thinking wow this is a tough one it's not just about the H it's his whole life is about being with people and her whole life is about not being with people necessarily that's not how she experiences them now the question is is she drawn to more of what he has to offer and
is he drawn to more of what she if these are totally more yeah then then okay it's different values come together and they they mix and match but if you have these two separations like that so that's one one of the beautiful questions I ask in how is work is um were you raised for autonomy or were you raised for loyalty were you raised for self-reliance or were you raised for interdependence which one would you say for me it was that self-reliance mean what you have nobody will ever help you as well as you can
help yourself you only have yourself to count on don't trust people you're on your own bu or raised for loyalty inter dependence loyalty you never alone there's people around you you owe others others are there for you relationships is what makes you I think that was both based on like circumstances correct the circumstances made you reliable because you were alone with Mom but the messaging was you have me yeah yeah of course okay yeah so I think both I think that question is a fundamentally interest interesting question okay that people can ask themselves when they
partner in business and in love raised for self-reliance or loyalty yeah okay interdependence are you part do you see yourself as connected to others and it's your connections that give you a sense of anchoring meaning relevance importance all of that or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own I think travel osity you often will have a complimentarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on you know and then another person your question about wants to be alone or doesn't want to travel wants to stay doesn't want but it's
also likes Comfort likes repetition likes the familiar um I think the religious values if you have a person who who you know those those matter a great deal um cheap children do you want family or do you not want family if you you know if you want a family then make sure that you find someone who wants a family what do you some point of being what are you going to do try to convince some you know now I don't think you have to have the same values on everything I think you have to have
a similar outlook on life which is a vision like exactly the same as when you a vision do you you know do you want to own a home do you think that economic achievement is important do you want to live in an extended family you think that living intergenerationally really is important and you have somebody else who says you know I don't want your parents over right you know do you do you want to live in more than one place you know I think these are essential you know money mhm feelings or emotions religious beliefs
attitude toward life it's not a specific value about something it's the a value is a cluster of things it's a cluster of importance of systems of meanings that's a value
